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2/12/2014 c2 4Jitterbug Blues
I love the language in this - you use such unusual imagery that feels alive and even seems to jump out of the page because of its vibrancy. I think it really works because it makes the emotions more striking and poignant, painting them in words so to speak.

I also like the flow of the writing style: you write simply but lightly, and it makes the reading process not just easy, but quite an experience. I think this a very poetic piece that one could read aloud without any awkward breaks, because of how beautifully constructed it is.

I’m also in love with how you manage to say so much in few words; you’ve managed to depict a complex relationship of emotional co-dependence, mutual hatred and admiration rolled in one. It's dark and depressing, but in a beautiful way (as if the narrator were trying to fool herself thinking that all of this was right).

Beautiful work!
2/2/2014 c2 1k+Faithless Juliet
First off, I adore all of your detail here. You often use metaphor and symbolism to your advantage, and I think that shines through really well here. In particular I liked the line about how living with him was like a natural disaster.

I did think you could work on the structure of this just a bit. I don't mind the length but I do think this feels a bit "list-like" as in each paragraph starts with a new idea about him/her and the story doesn't feel like it blooms and reacts to itself. As I said it didn't feel short, but maybe just reworking a few things to make them sound more organic. Keep up the good work.

Juliet
12/29/2013 c2 4Veronica Fay
Hi! This was extremely beautifully written! I was drawn very quickly! You write about a destructive relationship in a unique way. I found it very gripping. I also loved this line "Instead of love, he says her name." Amazing! Loved all of this.

-Veronica
12/28/2013 c2 carlalegre
RG-Easy Fix

A beautiful piece. I love your use of metaphors. My favourite line in this piece has got to be when you compare their cohabiting together to "every kind of natural disaster that has ever ripped through the heartlands."

You have a way with words that makes a prose piece like this seem poetic.
Their endless cycle is very sad to watch. They each battle their own demons but will do nothing to help the other.

Great job. Very intriguing and thought-provoking.
12/27/2013 c2 3Kristin Li
So my review for some reason didn't post. I'm pretty annoyed, so sorry if that comes off. This is for Chapter 1, by the way.

I enjoyed the last eight paragraphs. I think they were the most refreshing part of the story, especially the ending.

I don't know if comparing her to the ocean works for the story, since you compare the guy to the ocean in the opening. I think it makes more contrast if the character's metaphors are separated out a bit more.

The Nicotine part seemed a little bit weak. The rest seems original, but Nicotine is kind of a common metaphor.

The part with starting with "He wanderlusts for the caverns of her ribcage" is really good, but I'm not sure if I like how you compare her breasts to mountains and her stomach to desert.

Mixing metaphors is usually not recommended, but I think it works in this story. Very complex, which I like.
12/27/2013 c1 Kristin Li
Why didn't my review post? That's annoying! Ugh!
12/27/2013 c1 4Jitterbug Blues
Hoboy, I was about to review this as a freebie, but here we go :D

This is an eerily beautiful piece, just like a love poem but without the cliche lines or sentimental fluff. It's simple, and it's heart-breaking and you use some very unusual imagery to pinpoint a very touchy subject.

I like the narrator's helplessness and his earnestness in trying to tell what he feels for this woman; I like how his worry and concern so clearly shines through. I love your beautiful lines. I like a lot of the power behind the lines.

I don't have any concrit to add - maybe tone down some of the less subtle imagery? Some of your imagery might be even more powerful this way, but I'd have to re-read for better crit.

Still, lovely writing :)
12/27/2013 c1 13alltheeagles
For the Review Game, Easy Fix

I like your interesting metaphors - love note in the winde, the reference to the rib, caddy / outlaw, nicotine, odes to death. They're very diverse and yet cohesive. I think it shows you put a lot of thought into this piece.

I also like the irony running through the entire piece: how his desire not to be cliched is in itself a cliche. How her problem is actually stemming from his attempts to help her overcome that problem by not directly acknowledging it. How he thinks that his indirectness, however poetic, will help her when all it takes would be a direct word.

Thought-provoking writing. Cool.

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