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6/1/2014 c1 1Everfew
General Électricité electric company sounds a bit silly. I can speak French, but the only French word is 'électricité', and I don't understand why the name of the company isn't fully in French, instead of a mix of English and French.
2/22/2014 c6 janlynumich.edu
Another enjoyable chapter. I like the villain, or more accurately, dislike him. Setting the guy off to sea, what an end. Interesting...US war with China. Keep it up.
2/22/2014 c5 janlynumich.edu
I liked this. Very good. Good dialogue. Seems to flow nicely. Nice detail about the director and the diamond.
2/14/2014 c5 2S.D Stevens
twiddling his thumbs—They hadn't handcuffed his hands to the chair - do you you need the capital T after the line? is it a new sentence? If so then take out the line if not then swap the T for a t. You do the same again a little bit further in. The grammar checker on my office sweet says not to put a capital in.

A good chapter. Never under estimate the power of a non action chapter. It gives the writer chance to introduce aspects of the story without it being lost within the action. For me you reveal a lot, more about Keegan's personality and his own self importance, a start of a new relationship between Thomas and Keegan, more of the love/hate relationship between Thomas and his boss and the obvious unfolding of the plot, its such a tiny bit but it adds a lot to the anticipation and mystery.

I like Keegan, think I said that before, so don't go hurting him! You see what you have done? Making readers care for your characters is crucial and you have managed to do it. Well done.

Nit pick time :) which are getting less and less, your writing skills have come a long way since I first picked you up on here.

he couldn't shake the feeling that his every twitch being scrutinized by eyes from behind the one way glass. - does not flow. Cant help feeling it needs a 'was' in there.

and a tan pea coat - is that a new colour?

So you're saying that someone else planned the robbery, and that you just provided the means for the robbers to get into the store. All without your knowledge? - I would swap that last full stop for a comma.

skeptical - sceptical (or is it one of those uk/usa differences?)

Sorry for the delay in reviewing this chapter, life has been hugely busy! Too busy. Looking forward to the next chapter. As always.

xXSuziXx
2/5/2014 c5 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Hey,

I enjoyed this chapter. As you said, not super action-y, but these sorts of scenes are always necessary in action stories. Besides, who doesn't love a good interrogation scene? I really like the power struggle you've developed, and how it really does seem like Thomas will perpetually have the upper hand, yet Keegan does have several tricks up his sleeve being the "expert" in their future operation. I never actually have gotten to reading it, but it reminds me of the Lisbeth Salander novels.

I love the opening sequence where we see Keegan's thoughts, and his first impressions of Thomas. it's interesting, because I never really thought as Thomas a cold person until you showed him through Keegan's eyes. I love it when different narrators of stories meet each other - I've been hearing it since middle school, but they always used to say that characterization comes in huge part from what other characters think of a certain character, and you did a lovely job showing that in this chapter. I especially found the bit where Thomas sticks his nose up at Keegan's lack of personal hygiene. Oh, the hilarity that will ensue when these two work together.

If there's anything to comment on, I feel like Thomas might not necessarily question his superiors' decision to give Keegan the computer for his own fear of security breech. I feel like with the day this story is set, he should know that the CIA has ways of making sure Keegan doesn't mess around. Perhaps he could still be unhappy, but rather that they were following Keegan's wishes. Just a thought. :)

Overall, though, nice job! Can't wait to read more.
1/16/2014 c4 Janet Sutherland
Again, I'm very pulled into the action. He seems like he has outsmarted them. Nice mix of dialogue and action.
1/13/2014 c1 1Writy
Hi!

So, I am discovering "Source Kill". Well, first of all I really like your "style", the imagery made me smile which I like since it's a nice addition to basic "action stuff"... Clearly, this wouldn't be the same if it was all written in a grim tone. Maybe I totally misread that sensation of "playfulness" displayed by the thieves, but if I didn't, let me tell you that I enjoyed it!

The funny thing is that I just started a story that... well... opens with a robbery. There is also a flickering light in it! The setting is however very different. Strangely (or not), the setting of this first chapter made me think of the video game "Pay Day", with an eclectic group of heavily armed robbers. I wonder where the CIA and Anonymous actually take part in this plot, but I suppose I will find out!

Anyway, this was a nice opening, well done!

Here are a few things that may or may not be typos (I am French, so I am not sure):
"the fastest growing jewelry companies": Maybe "one of the fastest" or "company" singular?
"a few million": might be my bad english but "a few millions"?
"obssesive": "obsessive"?
"it's best": "its best"?

Now, since I am French, I can suggest these:
Electric company should probably be EDF (Électricité de France) in my opinion, but you are clearly not set in our present, so you are free to chose whatever you like! You are the author after all!
Amélie would be "frenchier" than Amelia (as Jacques with Jack)
If you want to use French, here is a translation for the sentence where Jacques asks when the lights will be fixed: "Quand ces lumières seront-elles enfin réparées ?" (Most formal) / "Quand est-ce que ces lumières seront réparées ?"
1/12/2014 c1 smiling smiley
First, I want to say I love the description of your story. Anonymous and the CIA sounds fascinating!

I like how you put their code names in quotes. And I like how you began the second part of the story with Jacques showing the lady the diamonds. It seemed almost humorous because they didn't know the poop was about to hit the fan. lol

The characters are fine, not too detailed. This is good since you can choose to either leave them be just to introduce the story or develop them later if they will come up again.
Also, Jacques and the lady both seem equally annoying, so the pity for them is limited. By the end of the chapter, I'm not rooting for any of the characters in particular, but for action to happen. I don't know if this was your intention or not, but I like the effect.

Action: I think the beginning was a little slow. I did appreciate the details, but perhaps it was a little too detailed (for me, at least). If you wanted to point out the damage the guns could cause, consider a brief, one sentence flashback of Fives seeing the damage those guns could do. That way, you add imagery instead of technical detail and build up Fives' past some more.
The action definitely picked up once they started robbing the store. The descriptions were great and you had a nice balance of dialogue and action.

Overall, I think the thrill of the story would benefit if the thieves talked about who was hiring them. Is the group/person scary? What's the feeling associated with them? It would be more exciting if both sides felt there was something at stake.

Logic: the logic seems fine. I am wondering why they need such lethal weapons. Perhaps it will be brought up later.

Grammar/punctuation/writing:
"Donot fire" should be "Do not fire." Also, "unless forced to" just sounds odd to me. Maybe find another way to phrase it?

"the man was right, he wasn't" there shouldn't be a comma. It's a comma splice.

Also, I want to know what King is saying. Please translate it?

"Don your hard hats, let's make some money" also has a comma splice, though I don't think grammar is as big of a deal in dialogue.
1/12/2014 c4 9boona
Salutations, I really like the attempted escape Keegan tried to pull off and his quick thinking. From what I read so far his personality seems to come off as a slacker with a quick working mindset. Though he utterly fails to catch on to the fact his smart watch was his undoing till he is caught. The flow as usual is well done and your action scene is fast paced. Nice job with the emp device, and don't forget to include not responsible for any deaths in your disclaimer.
1/12/2014 c3 boona
Hello, Alright lets begin with answering your questions. This is a good break from the action of the last two chapters. The banter between Thomas and Gates is actually pretty well done, and Helped flesh out your characters more. This helped me visualize what I was reading and enjoy the chapter more. As for learning about the plot a little more and of Keegan that was nicely done as well. This gave it a feeling like it was real debriefing and introduction of another important element.
Keep up the good work, ciao.
1/5/2014 c4 2S.D Stevens
I still feel sorry for the kid :) and I didnt want him to get caught, so when he made the phone call I was like 'no you daft sod!' I wanted him to make a dash for it between the cops and hoped he made it. He may be a lazy bugger and cheats at games (I hate the cheats) but there is something likeable about him. I dont know if its because he's the underdog.

I have to ask this, are all door numbers just Velcro'd on in the states? That is the only bit I found unbelievable. Although it did make me think that he had done it before just for laughs.

The link to the action and gaming while in Keegan's head was a nice touch. Also, how he immediately thought the cops were there for him. Guilt is a great motivator and that came over very well.

A couple of nit pickings

fetal - foetal

walk as casually as he could away from it 's back - need a space after the full stop

rearview - one word? Not sure it is.

the police officers hung their heads and tried their best to try and avoid her withering glare - tried their best to avoid her - would be enough.

plexiglass - plexiglas

aluminum - aluminium 8P

Looking forward to the next chapter :)
xXSXx
1/5/2014 c3 S.D Stevens
A very good way of adding mundane information into the story. I like the back ground stuff as well as the action. I like to know what makes a character tick, and how you have Thomas reacting to the information and stuff really paid off in that respect.

I cant help feeling sorry for Keegan, he's just a kid, a nerdy kid at that and even though the report has him mixed up with some dodgy stuff it all seems a little blown up. I don't know if that's what you meant to do but I like how its panning out.

There is a lot going on and a lot to take in but its in good proportions to the action, so far. I get the impression that Thomas has been handed a last chance case, mess this up and he will be given that desk job he so despises.

I don't have any nit picking for you on this chapter. I'm not saying they are not there just that I cant pick them out today! Other than the usual American/English spelling differences.
1/4/2014 c4 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Hello!

Ah, this chapter was fun! I love how you introduce your characters in such exciting ways - it fits perfectly into the thriller genre, and it's just delightfully different.

Oh man, it's so bad to say, but Keegan makes me think of one of my friends - extremely smart, lazy, and loves doing things on the Internet. But, in general, you really did a great job of developing his character, and making him realistic even after one chapter. Everything from the little stuff like his attempt to make his house nice with the rack and his work aspirations to the bigger actions he did really fleshed him out. I loved that scene where you showed Keegan hacking his game - your detail was great, and so few authors actually show what goes into hacking, and I think it truly helps show how smart you have to be to understand it, let alone actually do it.

Then, with making the EMP, I was thinking, jeez, this is gonna be one of those super smart sort of perfect characters, isn't he? Then, you delighted me with how he got arrested, and how it was for such a stupid thing. Only someone like me really finds utter joy in seeing characters fail, but I'm so glad you let it happen.

Hmm, in comparison to Thomas (I think I indirectly answered your first two questions), he definitely seems a lot more naive, but he seems like he'd be a bit more of smartass than Thomas. I suppose that just comes with age. But, I think they'll find some way to mesh together, and I'm excited for that.

Personally, I like Thomas better, but I think I prefer his cool and something about how he handles situations. Hah, I guess I like a guy who rocks at his job, and is part of larger organizations. Dunno. I'm willing to change my favorite character.

Hah, don't worry about your story not being exciting - you're good.

Great job!
1/4/2014 c1 3LuminaRay
This was so nice!
Sometimes when people write about crime and all, they add too much useless gore or too much information about the weapons and such. But this was really well-written.
I liked the nicknames you used! It was a real original idea.
It was nice paced and didn't seem at all rushed which i myself sometimes do.
I didn't like the 'Jacques' character at first, somehow i got the idea that he was...sort of...crude.
But when he defied the thieves, i thought that he might not be so bad.
I liked 'fives', he seemed almost conflicted about what he did. He might not have admitted it but he didnt really like his line of work, so to say.
The ending wasnt really a cliff hanger, but i really wanted to know what would happen next.
Keep up the great work!
1/4/2014 c2 2S.D Stevens
How did I like the chapter? Loved it, it’s pretty fast and had me at the end of my seat, and ignoring the kids (don’t worry they are not little, the youngest is 14 and old enough to fend for himself)

Thomas, to me is an overconfident, cocky beggar, seems like he sees himself as a bit of ‘jack the lad’ (not sure if that’s an English phrase - thinks everyone likes him and his humour, thinks he can breeze though life without paying any consequences) .

Did the chapter show of his skill set, I don’t know, I’m not sure I know what they should be apart from like James Bond (don’t knock it, I love James Bond) In that case then yeah, but I’m sure there are much more skills up his sleeves.

The action was believable, the only problem I had was that you tried to put too much into the descriptions. Narrow your field of vision, if your character can’t see it, smell it, sense it don’t write it. Not during the action anyway. The knife fight was good, loved how you described the blade. Knife fights are never neat things, they are messy and fumble worthy and all that came over well. It was a bit short but that’s what was needed, if you had dragged it out it would not have fit as well.

Heres the nit picking :)

locals and tourists alike went about their business as the city opened its eyes. - very nice :)

though the barest hints of grey were creeping into his short dark blonde hair, like the first warnings of frost in winter. - again... fab writing :)

They were out for blood. - they are inanimate objects, so I don't buy this sentence. They were sent for blood... they cant want it themselves.

fumbling with the tether to the boat - to the boat isn't needed. Same when you mention the owner of the boat, just the owner is enough. The whole paragraph is over loaded with tagging the boat. Short sharp sentences will add to the urgency and fast pace of the story.

He came back up just in time to see a gondola carrying two lovers and a gondolier drifting peacefully across his path like a graceful... - that bit, by the time you have read it the boat should have smashed the dam thing to bits... short fast.

oppurtunity - opportunity

aluminum - aluminium 8P

Deng and Thomas... yes we know the fight is between them, you have a bit of a tag overload in the chapter :) Don't just assume your reader cant follow the story, show some faith in your own work.

spinning like a game of Russian roulette. - I like what your trying to say but it doesn't quite do it, does a game of Russian roulette spin or does 'something' in the game spin? Maybe its that?

The metal gleamed with sadistic glee as it streaked towards Thomas's heart like a heat seaking missile. - that made me smile :) I like the sadistic glee bit... but seaking seeking.

You have me split between yelling at Thomas not to kill the guy and saying 'go on kill the bugger' :) its great :)

and whistled past - missing a space

odor - odour

His hearing came back slowly at first. First, the first first isn't needed - haha no pun intended. [His hearing came back slowly. First,] its cleaner less cluttered :)

I cant see a link with the first chapter YET, but that's the fun of getting into a good book. Looking forward to reading the next chapter, which I will hopefully do later today. (Having a PJ day but my bum has gone dead so need to walk around the house a bit :) hehe )
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