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6/7/2014 c11 Ivan Smirnoff
Forgot to mention the fact that I am currently posting as a guest but I am far to lazy to sign in and I am the same IvanSmirnoff as the one with the real account.

A chapter starting off with a fifteen year old girl having a shower of angst?! Am I reading an anime!?

But really, at least some things left to mystery were answered. You really nailed it with the whole, teenage girl angsting over which guy she truly loves. Addie actually feels like a human, the others, not as much. You also acknowledged the fact that Michael acts like a creepy stalker and Dickie acts like a creepy man-child. I'd like to see Addie go with the third option and choose neither, but I guess that she is a sensitive teenage girl and not an independent young woman. The bit at the end is a little sudden and being someone who has had an experience with such things, I can say that it is a much slower build-up than that, but I guess that Addie is some kind of super messed up so it's mostly passable.

Another way of explaining Addie's attachment to both could be that she has always been alone, (it seems like it) and now that two guys are paying attention to her she latches on to them a bit. Though that does have some unfortunate implications. At least she's able to acknowledge the fact that something is messed up with her.

Keep on going, hopefully our reviews have helped you for the better.
6/7/2014 c10 Ivan Smirnoff
Things are a bit confusing. I want to get into the story, I really do, but I spend most of my time trying to figure things out. It took me a little bit of reading to figure out who was who. At first I thought that it was Dickie talking to the first person person, then I remembered that Dickie is some kind of snake being and the first person guy calls himself a Pythus. (I see what you did there) I'd really suggest either keeping things third person, or keeping Addie first person and everyone else third.

Your other reviewer is doing a great job of critiquing and I'd follow her advice. I get that you want to keep some things from us readers, but right now you're on the verge of making things into a mind screw, and unless you want that then I'd suggest making things less confusing. For the most part this is romance but things are moving at mach speeds and I'm finding it hard to keep up or get attached to the characters. (which is precisely what you want to do with romance) Michael seems very selfish and all around uninteresting and Dickie's personality seems to like changing without warning, at first he seemed like an egocentric prick who took a fifteen year old to a secluded place to make out, now he's talking about staying away in order to keep her safe. If you're trying to show some character development I'd suggest slowing things down.

To do this you could bring in Addie's friends, her father, any other character's family, Michael's now ex-girlfriend (though that might add more unnecessary drama), or the other wrestling team guys. I think something that could make things more interesting would be to bring in somebody who isn't really involved in all this, also known as, a normal human. Somebody who could look at all this insane stuff and agree with us readers that this stuff is confusing. It'd be a character that the others could explain stuff to so that we don't feel left out by feeling like the only ones who don't know what the hell is going on.

This review is already incredibly long, but I'd like to point out that revealing the name of the person that Dickie was talking to at the very end of the conversation felt like a little bit of a cheap way to keep information from us and surprise us with who it was.

I hope that my dumb ramblings were at least a little helpful.
3/1/2014 c9 Lasgalendil
NOT a pedophile, huh?

Then that whole 'I'll pin you down" line probably ought to make like a hockey stick and get the puck out of there.

Again, I don't feel very attached to Micheal. "Looked back at the girl?" His 'true love'? The one he has to protect? "I'll deal with you later?" That's all very possessive and stalkerish. He's just found out that Dickie, a guy his age, has been seriously pressuring her sexually and his first response is not guilt for leaving her, the urge to comfort her, assure her he will never leave her in such a vulnerable position again, or rage at Dickie for taking advantage of her, but Immagonna go beat the shit out of him, then you? This guy is emotionally immature.

Too much 'coldly', too much obsession with 'some other rapist guy' taking advantage of her, too much 'my' Adrianne vibe going on here. He's more worried about her hiding her arm than he is how she actually feels. Stalker with a capital T there.

They way you chapter and POV jump is a negative for Micheal's storyline. As readers we need to see what happens in the interim. Dropping the whole 'flying by a window' line like that is glib, and doesn't seem in Micheal's character. If anything, he was the very emotive, uncontrolled one compared to Dickie's sarcasm and self-assurance. Addie has the best, most distinctive voice, and you write her well because she's very similar to you. Dickie's POV's are the second best, but again it's more difficult for you to portray a voice that is older and male. Micheal…Micheal feels like Edward Cullen and Jacob Black had a lovechild who's entirely superfluous.

You've got to slow down your storytelling. Reel this in. Show us emotions, not just tell them. This chapter and interaction is far too short. She slaps him, he asks about her arm, he uses telekinesis on her WITHOUT ASKING, then leaves? Where's the heart? The conversation? I'd like to see an Addie who doesn't slap guys because 'girl power!', but who cooly ignores him to let him know just how done with him she is. Text. Pick up the phone. Go online. Shrug him off. Make it clear to him through her actions and 'uh huhs' that she could care less about his reappearance after what he put her through. Have her be passive aggressive, and have that frustrate him because before they had been so open. That would be a natural, longer progression to the wound on her arm, and make more sense of his slow mounting anger at her for something she can't ever hope to understand, and something about himself that he can never tell her.

Your other reviewer (not me…) was right. You hide too much from your audience, and you pick a young character into far too many sexually compromising scenarios. The question of 'where's her dad?" "Why does he let her hang around with/be alone with/only make friends with much older guys?" are important and need to be addressed. The story I'm hearing is of a teen who's been left alone. Show us that. Is her dad constantly working to provide her a future, and that's why he's not a part of her present? Is he drunk? Out with friends? Too busy writing scripts and managing the wrestling thing to be a part of her life? Is he selfish or selfless? Addie is the most interesting character, and her dad, her life, her hobbies, her interests, her gambling (which hasn't been mentioned since chapter 1), her friends haven't been a part of your plot so far. You need to SLOW DOWN.

Right now, Addie is interesting, but she isn't really likable. I guess that's your point, having her monologue while she's kissing Dickie how the good girls would be disappointed, and there's nothing wrong with casting the anti-heroine as your protagonist, but right now you have NO likable characters, no light moments, no hope. This is YA, so the tone is pretty much genre-wide, but I'd like to see some light at the end of the tunnel moments from Addie's POV, even if it's talking with her dad, seeing how hopelessly and wrongly optimistic he is about "their life is going to be better in Terre Haute!" then making some sort of pessimistic, realism commentary. Alternatively, since Micheal was her Guardian Angel, I'd like to see her happier, lighter, more carefree when she's with him, only to have her hopes and heart crushed by his disappearance. This needs to be more emotive, more gut-wrenching. Right now it's all rather blasé and depressing.

I'd also encourage you to find, follow, and review for at least 10-20 other young adult/supernatural stories. PM me with which, and I'm going to follow your reviews to see if you're reading and reviewing like a writer, rather than reader. I want to see what you think is "constructive criticism" and suggestions for making a story better, and see how that impacts your own storytelling.
2/27/2014 c7 Admiral Akbar
This is a trap.

I'm holding chapter 9 hostage until chapters 1-7 have been revised. Cue evil fishy laughter.
2/27/2014 c4 Darth Vader
If you must insist on ascribing POV's, my young Padawan, you must do so consistently. Is it all caps? Bolded? Half-bolded (WHY?) Why is there a title at the top of this chapter and none of the previous?

Consistency is the key. Also the Force.

…and bolded, italicized, underlined AN's unseparated from the text of the story? Soliciting reviews, no less? What are you, a beggar? And these futile promises to fix the problems…fourteen I have left you, my young Padawan. You begin to disappoint me.

Your evil assignment is to rid the universe of these inconsistencies of AN's and chapter titles/POV's as well as the abomination of center alignment. I demand this be done.

Your pal,
Vader
PS: On further thought, the above should read Master. Toodles!
2/27/2014 c3 Darth Vader
No left alignment? And a bolded, underlined, unseparated AN? Without capitalization of the first letter? I expel you from the Sith order.

…but Holy Fuck. Paragraph Three...
2/27/2014 c2 Darth Vader
No left alignment? You shame the Sith.
2/27/2014 c1 Darth Vader
This isn't left aligned yet. You disappoint me, my young padawan.
2/17/2014 c9 IvanSmirnoff
This story is good so far. I don't quite understand why Adrianne, a fifteen year old has two men in their twenties interested in her, but it's become pretty clear that something isn't quite right. All of these people are obviously some kind of supernatural being and Addie is somehow mixed up in all this.

As for complaints. I don't understand how a bird man could fly around a city unnoticed. I also don't quite know why Addie's father seems completely apathetic that two older guys are doing things with his daughter that most parents wouldn't approve of. Also I'm not quite sure what establishment allows a fifteen year old to gamble seeing as how most set their minimum age to 18.

You seem to love confusing the hell of your readers but there's no problem with that. I hope you continue writing. May the words come easily to you.
2/8/2014 c8 Guest
Oh, much better!

I think this Dickie is a hell of a lot more angry and vulnerable all at once. I also like that the conversation is more impersonal, takes place over the phone, and yet is so much more emotional in content. The distance between the two physically but the deeper, more personal and more complex subjects discussed is a wonderful contrast. Both of them reveal what they really think. Dickie was genuinely attracted to her, and Adrienne had decided to give him a chance despite him being a dick and despite already liking another guy who treated her much better.

How would "A tear fell from one of my eyes. Then another. There was no one here, and no would could tell through all the rain. So fuck it, I cried." sound instead? More angry/dejected/disgusted with himself rather than weak and broken? I don't know if you want his breaking point to be here or not, and keeping him angry/disgusted might allow you to continue to use his character as guy who's trying to come across as cool and detached, putting on a brave face for us and himself, despite all of us knowing differently.
1/31/2014 c8 Lasgalendil
Okay, right now your writing is suffering from the Katniss conundrum. If Dickie knows all these things about his own race/self/people/struggle, why does he need to break fourth wall and start telling us all about them in the middle of an emotional torture scene? This chapter had a lot more potential for action and high stakes emotion, but his voice over during the 'interrogation', for lack of a better word, comforts us into knowing he gets off both alive and easy.

There's a few places where his one-liners really stand out well, such as the last two paragraphs. However, "the nerve of that guy" doesn't sound harsh enough for him. It's the right emotion, wrong expression for his careless, extra-tough-guy persona.

Hmm…the interaction between the two of them here at the end is…intriguing? It makes it feel like a lot of time has passed, that they're friends or an item. Just the casual way he calls her-I'd like to see the reason if indeed he hasn't spoken to her since the last kiss (because from their conversation and manners it seems like they have, and have spent a lot of time getting comfortable with each other). Does he now realize what's at stake? That she's in danger? That hell, she's just a kid who he and Micheal have dragged into a mess that will kill or harm her?

What this chapter needs is a little more of the same I've been saying: Elaboration. Tell us more about the intervening events.

Your bad guy…I don't get the same visceral reaction to him that I do your other characters. I know it's partly due to the fact that we never see a chapter from HIS perspective, so something like that might be useful.
1/31/2014 c7 Guest
You write the YA part of this story so well it's a bit frightening. I think it's because we never get to read teen stories written by, you know, actual teens. We just see famous author's impressions of what a troubled teen experience *might* be, that it often comes across as a caricature.

The two paragraphs about the dream were confusing, and I know they're supposed to be due to the nature of them being, you know, dreams…but they're some of the weakest I've come across in the story yet. I guess it's because you usually write the characters feelings and thoughts so well and Addie has such a concrete, mature voice that seeing her muffled like this is jarring. Would adding commentary from her like "well, that's effed up", or "I consulted a dream diary once. What a load of shit" make this seem more in character for her?

You already know my opinion on his character, but this chapter just seems a bit more creepy than the last. Yeah, 'kindly'. It's like he's using her emotions against her since being brash and abrasive isn't working.

…if it really is 'kindly', then hopefully we'll see this scene again from his perspective. You might even want to throw a chapter or two before the aggressive kiss scenes in from his perspective to tell us why he is so fascinated with Addie. From the last chapter it seems he's after her solely to upset Micheal on many levels. SPOILERS. Don't tell me. Just keep writing!
1/31/2014 c1 Guest
So I know you're completely stoked for the next couple of chapters, but I'd really encourage you to start 3rd drafting these first seven chapters while you write the first drafts of the next. While you're in writing burst mode (that's what I call mine, at least) it's hard to rein yourself in and take the time, but it's worth it so when you do have the down days and can't write, the product you're looking at seems so good, so polished, so perfect that the characters (and readers) are begging you to write more.

So go back. Play around with the summary until it kicks ass. Put this chapter into formal paragraphs with side-justification. I know you said you did it for artistic reasons, but to most readers it will just appear to be the mark of someone who is either new to the site, too inexperienced know better or too lazy to change it. That's not the reputation you want going into your first paragraph! You've put so much work into this, breathed so much life into your character of Adrianne, that this deserves the chance to get read and shared.
1/31/2014 c6 Guest
The lines like "Almost." as a separate paragraph are some of the best. When your character can pull asides and one-liners you know you've got him pretty down pat.

The "Oh, shit. Not him. Anyone but him." Also shows us both the terseness of his real character when he's not putting on this macho persona and the level of panic contrasted to his earlier rantings and ramblings really made his discomfort stand out.

Again, here's the link and why I don't like him: /games/theday/ Hopefully he'll become a rounded character and we can see why he does these things or what makes him feel this way about himself and especially his attitude towards girls. Again, I hate his character, but I think your angle on possible redemption will be one of the most interesting aspects in this story. I've read supernatural, and on a genre level it's same old, same old for most of them. But every once in awhile someone makes a powerful statement about life or growing up through a fictional media, like JK Rowling did, so I hope that that's what you can accomplish here in the YA genre.

*I'd lose the bolded AN's at the bottom of each chapter. Your profile looks a lot less messy and more mature now, so I'd encourage you to put the effort into the fic itself to make it as clean and sharp as possible.
1/31/2014 c7 Lasgalendil
I just thought of something.

…this is labelled romance/supernatural.

Oh, you fool :) This is the very epitome of YOUNG ADULT GENRE. Seriously, this is the textbook, wikipedia, urban dictionary definition of what young adult stories consist of. Angst. Broken relationships. Absent families. Weird hobbies. Dangerous liaisons. Bad choices. Self-dependence. Exploration.

So yeah. I don't want to be just that nagging, editor-like person who has no right to tell you what to do since she's 1) not a published author 2) not a professional editor and 3) never actually published a story on this site, but yeah. I think changing the category of this fic will get you a much wider exposure. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW POPULAR THE YA GENRE IS RIGHT NOW? TFIOS is the #1 bestseller at the moment, and hasn't been out of the top ten since it's publication. Just sayin'.
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