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for The Falcon Knight

1/15/2014 c1 48Michael Panush
Well, I can appreciate your urge to write and I hope you continue and keep improving - but I think you really need to reassess your priorities and style when it comes to telling stories, as well as what you think is appropriate and tasteful. I'm sorry to say that this story here was not very good at all. It came across as a very bad George R.R. Martin imitation, with pointless, callous sexual violence, shallow characters, and lackluster descriptions. Let me try and list all the problems.

First off, why do you call the knights 'ser' instead of 'sir'? Ser is from Game of Thrones. This ain't Game of Thrones. Don't copy Game of Thrones. Be original. That goes for the world and characters too, all of which seem to be firmly in the pseudo-Medieval world of Game of Thrones. I don't want to read something's that's exactly like Game of Thrones when I can just read Game of Thrones. Please try and be more original.

Also, your editing needed a lot of work. I lost count of the number of run-on sentences. You had lots of misplaced commas or missing commas. You really need to pay more attention to your grammar or else the meaning of your story becomes confused.

The story itself was very short and lackluster. Your main character was nailed to a cross (like Conan in one story...), got freed, and then killed the bandit queen who had nailed him there. There was no challenge, no real conflict, and it ended far too quickly. You can do better.

The characters were also pretty bad. You would introduce maybe cool characters in a sentence and then refuse to develop them. I really don't know what's motivating the main guy (I can't even remember his name...It was a Game of Thrones-sounding name, though...), besides simple vengeance. He seems like a knight errant sort of guy. What motivates to travel around picking fights? The same is true with the villain. Does she just commit crimes for kicks?

Speaking of the villain - the sheer tastelessness of this story just overwhelmed me. It was pure misogyny. The bandit queen was exactly an an 'evil woman' stereotype. You even had a good warrior babe to contrast her with. You were pretty much saying 'women being hench-wenches of hero knights is cool, women leading anything will lead to roving bandit rape gangs!' Fantasy's gender politics are already pretty terrible, but even Tolkien does a better job than you have here. Now, you can have evil women - but they need to be complex characters, like Cersei in Game of Thrones - not blank stereotypes. Then there's your 'justice through rape' ending. Rape is an extremely serious subject and it should never be trivialized, especially not for some 'ironic payback' at the end of a fantasy story. And if the misogyny wasn't bad enough, your story also falls into the traps of racist fantasy with it's 'dark-skinned raiders.' Something tells me that our heroes are all European and white, right? Come on, man. Fantasy needs to do better.

All of these flaws can be fixed. The editing and the story structure just require more time and energy. But I urge you to think about the politics of your story first. I don't know if you thought about the implications of these ideas before you started writing, but you really need to. Because gender bias and racism actually exist, I urge you to fix them in your story first. I do think that you can be a good writer, but you really have to work on your flaws first. Please keep writing and let me know if you want me to edit anything else.

1/12/2014 c1 7WhisperingZephyr
Nice set-up thus far.

I like the dialogue. Has a very old-time feel to it. Imagery and action both have flow.

Didn't see any spelling error, but a few missing commas.

Good start. Keep it up.

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