
1/18/2014 c1
1Rose Specktor
Umm, wow. This certainly is mysterious. Alright, so a few grammar mistakes.
Original:
This was all happening at a fancy hotel rich kids payed for everyone and everything.
Revised:
This was all happening at a fancy hotel, which rich kids had payed for everyone and everything.
Original:
"Hey, Demetrius", Jay called. "Bring Shannon over here".
Revised:
"Hey, Demetrius," Jay called. "Bring Shannon over here."
Actually, the quotes, I think, are the main grammar mistakes. You put the commas and periods outside of the quotes, but they are supposed to be inside. All in all, an interesting story.

Umm, wow. This certainly is mysterious. Alright, so a few grammar mistakes.
Original:
This was all happening at a fancy hotel rich kids payed for everyone and everything.
Revised:
This was all happening at a fancy hotel, which rich kids had payed for everyone and everything.
Original:
"Hey, Demetrius", Jay called. "Bring Shannon over here".
Revised:
"Hey, Demetrius," Jay called. "Bring Shannon over here."
Actually, the quotes, I think, are the main grammar mistakes. You put the commas and periods outside of the quotes, but they are supposed to be inside. All in all, an interesting story.