for Western Fantasy Story2/16/2014 c1 
5WaterBudget
What I liked: the intensity of this scene. Nice flow, just enough description and the poetic language helped in that. Also, the concept of a western type society with fantasy elements is pretty nifty.
What I didn't like: the confusion of the names and the cussing. At the beginning, someone who is beside Thomas speaks, and we never hear of Thomas again in this chapter. Maybe it was a stylistic thing, but it only confused me. It also took me too long to figure out who was Gaz and who was Dave.
Overall: It was okay. Maybe I feel ambivalent because what happened was kind of brutal, and the cursing didn't help. However, it looks like a story that could grow on me depending on the direction it takes (I'm a fan of fantasy, you see).
5WaterBudgetWhat I liked: the intensity of this scene. Nice flow, just enough description and the poetic language helped in that. Also, the concept of a western type society with fantasy elements is pretty nifty.
What I didn't like: the confusion of the names and the cussing. At the beginning, someone who is beside Thomas speaks, and we never hear of Thomas again in this chapter. Maybe it was a stylistic thing, but it only confused me. It also took me too long to figure out who was Gaz and who was Dave.
Overall: It was okay. Maybe I feel ambivalent because what happened was kind of brutal, and the cursing didn't help. However, it looks like a story that could grow on me depending on the direction it takes (I'm a fan of fantasy, you see).
2/12/2014 c1 C. V. Atwood
I will be honest, this isn't my cup of tea. I'm not big on swear words or westerns. That being said, you are a good writer. Your descriptions of actions are very good. It is like you are watching a movie. "Her coat tails flurried dust into his face" is gold. I would warn, however, that while cursing does add character it can also detract from the overall reading experience when it becomes overwhelming, and there is a ton in this very quickly. I might tone it down a bit up front and build up to more as the story develops. I worry that this much in Ch.1 may turn off readers like myself before we even get into the story.
I will be honest, this isn't my cup of tea. I'm not big on swear words or westerns. That being said, you are a good writer. Your descriptions of actions are very good. It is like you are watching a movie. "Her coat tails flurried dust into his face" is gold. I would warn, however, that while cursing does add character it can also detract from the overall reading experience when it becomes overwhelming, and there is a ton in this very quickly. I might tone it down a bit up front and build up to more as the story develops. I worry that this much in Ch.1 may turn off readers like myself before we even get into the story.
1/24/2014 c1 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
I think you have captured the general flavour of a Western, or at least the showdown/shootout part, so good job on that. It's great that you did so without the obligatory tumbleweed and bar scene. I also like how you insert elements of magic etc into a Western; I normally don't read Westerns but when there is this element of fantasy, I'm drawn to give it a try.
For improvement, I'd suggest some editing: SHAKE his head with a smile / AN unruly child / Would he be alive?
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
I think you have captured the general flavour of a Western, or at least the showdown/shootout part, so good job on that. It's great that you did so without the obligatory tumbleweed and bar scene. I also like how you insert elements of magic etc into a Western; I normally don't read Westerns but when there is this element of fantasy, I'm drawn to give it a try.
For improvement, I'd suggest some editing: SHAKE his head with a smile / AN unruly child / Would he be alive?
1/22/2014 c1 20Ventracere
First line, comma inside of the quotes.
"Bandonna" should be bandanna?
There are problems here and there, and at two points, you capitalize "father". For consistency, you could choose between one or the either, capitalization or none.
I enjoyed the back and forth and the tension that you created in the piece. It makes sure the first chapter isn't a slow paced or boring and encourages readers to continue on and come back and reread it again. I think the profanity is a little bit much in the beginning, but that may just be a preference of mine, it lowers a bit of the appeal, but I understand it is within the moment and intensity of the actions.
20VentracereFirst line, comma inside of the quotes.
"Bandonna" should be bandanna?
There are problems here and there, and at two points, you capitalize "father". For consistency, you could choose between one or the either, capitalization or none.
I enjoyed the back and forth and the tension that you created in the piece. It makes sure the first chapter isn't a slow paced or boring and encourages readers to continue on and come back and reread it again. I think the profanity is a little bit much in the beginning, but that may just be a preference of mine, it lowers a bit of the appeal, but I understand it is within the moment and intensity of the actions.