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1/27/2014 c2 4HighOnBrokenWings
Hey again,

So after she drives away there's a following paragraph that seems to be from another scene. I'd definitely recommend putting a break between the first part and the following part where she starts talking about her omelette, as it had me a bit confused. I ended up having to reread that paragraph to get what was going on. Her mother reminds me a bit of my own if I'm honest. Authoritative but emotional. Puts on a hard demeanour in order to get her way.

I feel like the paragraph after the encounter with her mum had a few issues. First of all, it was just too big, and therefore became hard to read when I was in the middle of it as I kept losing my place (maybe it's more down to the fact I'm a little special :P). Secondly, for me there was just too much description. Instead of showing what she was seeing in a natural way, it came across as over descriptive and a wee bit clunky for a first person narration. Instead of having her be consciously aware of her surroundings to the point that it feels like she's recounting them to the reader, have her naturally think as though she was driving.

Is she new to the school? If so, how does she know about Reese? For a moment I thought the guy at her car was damn-well going to kill her! I was quite happy to see that she atleast has one person that she gets along with! Ah, now that I read on I see that she knows them outside of the school, which has answered my own question.

I'm interested to see where this goes! Welcome back to FictionPress!
1/27/2014 c1 HighOnBrokenWings
You! Yes, you! I remember you, however, I'm sure your name was far more extended back in the day, something about a beast ring a bell ;) I was browsing the romance stories a day or so back, and just opened all the ones that I liked the sound of in a tab. Odd that yours was one of them. Anyway, onto the story!

That first paragraph seemed a little bulky at first and it took me a second to get into the rhythm of your writing. However, when I did, the images became quite vivid in my mind. I especially like that last line of the first paragraph. I do feel like there are some grammatical issues in this, where some things could have been worded or ordered slightly differently to make it all flow better, but other than that it was excellently written!

I'm extremely curious to see what happens next, and I really like that you've left some ambiguity to the prologue. You don't want to be telling the readers everything too early on!

Very interesting sounding story, I like the main character. Time to read on!

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