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9/20/2014 c1 2Kayla2175
For the review game poems, depth

Flow: This poem flowed quite well. I liked that you put the headers; Metalwork, The Bends, at the beginning of each new section. It made it simpler to read, cutting it into sections like that.

Enjoyment: I really enjoyed this piece. It was unique and intriguing to read. You did a great job with incorporating the use of metal in our society into it.

Word choice: I thought you used some great descriptive words/phrases in this piece. Phrases/words such as,"chrome, ephemerals, the young inherit our spent gods, fashion gilded temples," are all good words that help produce images.

Other: When I first looked at your title, I had absolutely no idea what it meant, and I still don't. I feel as though you might draw in more people if you had a more understandable title.

Overall, this was a nice read.
2/13/2014 c1 387tolerate
Your title intrigues me, although if I have to be completely honest, I don't actually know what it means, or what language it is in—but all the same, the exoticism of it pulled me in right away. Out of all five parts, my favorite one would be the fourth one: Veil. I loved that part mainly because of the because [in line two: so we fill our regrets with because,] and I felt the impact. The strength of that line was amplified with that particular word—had you used 'reason', it would've been completely different. Your writing takes on a passive voice, which I appreciate, and there's a sense of involvement when you write in first person plural. It is inexplicable for me, but I thought it was more factual when you wrote it like this rather than first person singular or second person. This poem revolves around building things, birth and death, and about legacies—how people pass down things in a way that wouldn't be exactly the same as it first started out. I liked the transition. My other favorite line would be [and we pray to the gods we build; / we become what we deserve.] I like your elements of nature (fog, sun, river) and human elements (blood, veins, bones) and thought the way you combined them didn't beautify them but instead took them as they were. That is another thing I appreciate. Your ending was perfect—might I say, it broke my heart. It's like I didn't know it hit me until it actually hit me, and then everything just came pouring down. You started out with minimum emotions and gradually dissolve it into words that carry strong emotions. I have many interpretations of your poem but the one I feel strongly for would be that in this discussion of god and man, perhaps both of them are one and the same. This is the type of poem I'd read again and never get tired of it and its depth. Impressive work.

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