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3/13/2015 c3 5ChimericalWrites
This was a very good chapter. I liked Tony, and as last chapter all of your characters come across very well, they have distinctly different personalities and tics that help the reader distinguish, recognize, and relate with them. The explanation coming from a ghost was a good detail, this way it is harder for her to dismiss as crazy then if she is hearing it from another person. I also liked that you didn't try to explain magic too much, you gave enough explanation to ground it while still leaving it mysterious and unpredictable. I'm glad her visions are going to be in dreams and not rhyming prophesies. Nothing wrong with them I'm just not particularly fond. The only thing that slightly bugged me was how eager she is to jump into the fray when she knows how completely inexperienced and unprepared she is for this world. OF course this kind of overreaching self-sacrifice could be part of her personality and I just haven't seen enough of it to be concreted yet.
2/19/2015 c2 ChimericalWrites
Nice first chapter. You jump right into the action but with the viewpoint character being in the same boat as the reader, you don't leave the reader feeling lost. Diana already has a very strong sense of voice and character to me, which is awesome. I'm not crazy about the prophecy, but that's just because I have a disposition against prophetic and "chosen one" stories. That being said I've ready many stories like that that were wonderful and utilized the prophecy aspect very well. I really like the set up for this opening and feel like this will be one of those exceptions, just give me a few chapters to warm up to it :).

The only issue I had with this chapter was a very small one, the sighting of the demon. Until she says to Patrick "What was that" it was unclear that she saw anything, I just thought she was looking away from the road and accidentally swerved out of the lane. Since you have a first person narrative a small explanation of what she's seeing won't jerk the reader out of the action or slow down the tone. It could even be just glimpses, or something that she barely registers before explaining what she saw later to the group. But I think you at least need to have some sort of "I look at the road and see-" addition, even if its just one sentence.

But like I said, very small issue. I like that you set up the grandmother in the very beginning with the eccentric comment. As soon as she said that I was like "Oooh I bet granny knows something!"
10/19/2014 c30 4R. Ficst
Very much enjoyed. :)

I'm glad for this summary of how their lives go on at this time, but I'm curious now about the scene in the future, and how all these guys' lives progress to that point, who the kids in the scene were, etc.

Thanks for posting!
10/14/2014 c30 4apocalypsetheory
Damn, the last couple of chapters were gripping! I hit the kidnapping part of the story and then literally burned through the rest without regard to the coursework pieces I was supposed to do. It does slightly follow the heroes always win without any deaths trope, but other than that it is superb, the ending is pulled off really well, the climax is a nice change of pace from the usual 'main character goes badass and kills everything' with her being unable to do anything but hold on to life. The structure of everything is great and all that jazz, I couldn't really find any errors in terms of the writing, i suppose it's just the 100% happy ending I'm not fond of but that's just me, and you did pull off everything really well. Possible sequel much? Nice work :)
10/7/2014 c11 apocalypsetheory
A gripping story with very convincing characters. Each character's reactions in this story are more human than most in the category. The story flows very well, as even when there is a short time-skip it doesn't feel like the reader has missed out on anything. The story itself is very well thought out, and doesn't fall into the trope of the main character being an instant prodigy in the new world she has been dragged into. My only complaint is the lack of insight into her life outside so far. People say they dislike things that could be considered as 'filler' but I do think a certain amount of filler just having a short period focused on them during their day to day life with no drama for a day or two helps the reader get a better grasp of the character. Brilliant story, I've been reading it in what little spare time I have and I've rarely put it down in those times.
8/30/2014 c2 11Literastiel
All right, your descriptions are ON POINT! Your comparisons, analogies, little quirks of language are brilliant! By the way, 'like a bat out of Hell', I'm afraid I'm going to have to steal because that is too perfect. And the reaction of Diana to 'it's a demon' is what, in England, we call a 'Uwotm8' reaction. Just 'No. Bullshit! What are you on?'. And I love how he was offended by the idea of doing drugs, it made me chuckle.

I noticed one case of mis-editing 'as if he can will get us there faster' just as they get to the safe house. But I honestly didn't notice anything else. I'm looking forward to the next one.
8/23/2014 c1 Literastiel
This is a very interesting start. A captivating beginning to a story. I can't see where this story might be going, seeing as the foreshadowing used can be considered vague or simply lacking in specifics but it works well. I'll be very interested to see how you have the main character interact with others. I don't have anything truly negative to point out, but if I see one I'll point it out. I'm genuinely happy to see the developments.
8/8/2014 c6 3Kryptonian54
I don't understand the part where Joel gets irritated with Patrick and Markus. To me, it read like they were answering her questions just fine. Did they volunteer information? No, but then again, I think it's respectful to only answer the question the person asked. If they wanted to know more, they would find out. Who knows, maybe the person only wants to know the gist. Furthermore, do explain what a soul is at some point. You mentioned something about a person having an aura about them. Is that the soul? Is the soul something physically inside a person? Is it in another dimension? Or is it the energy they are emitting when they use their powers? It's explicitly stated that it's in the brain but it's unclear as to why a person needs a soul or how it works. I'm saying this because the term may have different meaning to different people. And it's an intriguing concept.

You have a couple of "y'all" that is spelled "ya'll".

I think the "Told you he's good" from Patrick was premature. I suggest showing Markus' moves and then have Patrick say that. It makes more sense.

Spelled Tony "tone" once.

I like to picture how the scene where Markus blows out the light from the light bulbs without breaking would go. I think your set up to establish the parameters of the story is well done. The reader must know the rule of the world you create; otherwise, anything goes.

I noticed that there are a lot of references to popular movies/books. Even though I thoroughly enjoy this because it's the way I talk, I don't know if it will fly well under a publisher's eyes. I'm just saying in case you ever want to get this published.
8/8/2014 c5 Kryptonian54
I know I said that I liked it when you put her thoughts in with someone's dialogue but I feel like you do it too much in this chapter. After a while, I had to read a paragraph more than twice in order to understand what the original speaker was saying.

I don't understand Paul's anger. Here is a person who is clearly completely unaware of what is going on and yet, he's acting as if she attacked Markus on purpose? That doesn't make sense. If a baby had accidentally broken an expensive vase, the parent wouldn't act as if the baby was doing it on purpose. Well, this is assuming that the parent is a good one. It just didn't seem like a real reaction. He would be angry, yes, but he wouldn't not act as if she's doing it on purpose. Especially after the way he behaved when they were at the stairs.

I don't understand how using green fiber bags is hippie behavior but it is the South so the folks down there can be weird. Fyi, SAT's take less than four hours. Each section and the breaks are timed precisely. Unless it's different in the South, which I wouldn't know.

You keep describing how Joel looks every time they meet. I don't know if you're trying to show how Diana is perceiving his behavior from his looks or not. It just seems odd that she still feels the need to describe him again after dedicating a whole paragraph two chapters prior to doing so. Maybe I was wrong and she ends up with him instead of Patrick. Maybe she's looking at them both. I don't know.

You have "ya'lls" instead of "y'alls" in on the paragraphs towards the end.

Overall, this story is still intriguing me. I don't know if it's because she's an insomnia and I'm waiting for that to somehow interfere with her powers or if I want to know more about the satanic cults. Wouldn't put it pass me to be that dark. Nevertheless, the story is paced well and the interactions between the characters is entertaining. Sometimes, however, I found myself not being able to distinguish between Patrick and Joel. Diana's interaction with each kind of feels the same. I can't put my finger on it but it felt too similar to me.
8/8/2014 c4 Kryptonian54
-Paragraph 73, Sentence 6: What does "There, but for the grace of God, go I" mean? Maybe you're missing a few words?

I enjoy you telling us her thoughts as someone else is speaking. It adds the element of comedy to the story. The description in this chapter was much better than in the previous ones. I can enjoy it a bit more since their seems to be less commas and the sentences are more coherent.

Already, I can see that Paul and Diana are going to "get it on" later on in the story. I don't know what to make of this. It's such a mainstream to do but it does have it's uses.
8/8/2014 c3 Kryptonian54
-Paragraph 5, Sentence 2: purpose of the "though"? Doesn't seem to have a specific purpose.
-Paragraph 32, Sentence 2: I don't get this sentence. Is she thining that Tony wants to make her crazy or that she looks crazy talking to Tony? Is that why she responds with "Oh no he does not"?
-Paragraph 35, Sentence 6: I would use "or" instead of a comma between "me" and "of".
-Paragraph 35, Sentence 7: sentence should read, "I barely slept once since I got home. When I did, sporadic nightmares kept waking me up." See how it reduces the amount of commas and makes the sentences more coherent?
-Paragraph 36, Sentence 1: who is they?
-Paragraph 38, Sentence 3: No comma between "stimuli" and "after".
-Paragraph 61, Sentence well it seems like one long sentence: is the "y" after "sunshine" intentional or were you going for "sunshine-yellow".
-Paragraph 63, Sentence 2: Do you mean "psycho-analyze"? Not sure what "sicko-analyze" means.
-Paragraph 118, Sentence 3: Capitalize "i" at the end.
-Paragraph 124, Sentence 3: I think you mean "it's" not "its'".

The amount of commas overall is very distracting and keeps the reader, at least me, from really immersing into the story. I'd find a better way formulate your sentences. Most of the them are huge sentences with a lot of unnecessary commas. You also keep putting comma's in the phrase "oh God." It's not necessary to put a comma there. If you do, it sounds like you're saying "oh *silence* God" which sounds like you're about to talk to God instead of just saying a phrase.

Her first reaction to Tony seems a bit odd. I'd think that after her night of horror she would be a bit more jumpy or at least alert for the possibility that whatever was chasing them the night prior, found her.

These flaws seriously prevented me from enjoying the overall story. I really like the pacing of the story and the way things are starting to unfold. I would appreciate the dialogue and imagery more if you addressed your comma issue.
8/6/2014 c2 Kryptonian54
-Paragraph 13, Sentence 2: No comma between "oh" and "God".
-Paragraph 14, Sentence 1: No comma between "other" and "slightly".
There are many times when you introduce the dialogue but it's not done in a fluent manner. There shouldn't be a comma after the quotations if you're going to start a new sentence, such as when you wrote in the fifth paragraph, second sentence, "They could see' I could". It should be, "They could see.' I could". The only time you have dialogue followed by a comma is when you're going to write "so and so said" or a variation of that. You could also have a comma before a dialogue, as in part of the paragraph, but that would also require a period at the end of the dialogue.

So far, I think the story is very intriguing. The most intriguing part is the sayings that Diana uses. I know many people don't talk in movie and/or book quotes but sometimes I find myself doing it so it's a way I'm connecting with Diana. I also like the prophecy. I would make it more abstract so that it isn't too direct but it's fine the way it is.

I would also like to point out that the recording seems weird. At first, I thought it was someone talking about what was going on. Then I realized that it was the narrator describing what she was hearing from the recording. I suggest making her narration non-italicized and the dialogue from the recording in italics. That way, it's clear to the reader what is coming from the recording and what is being interpreted by the narrator.
8/6/2014 c1 Kryptonian54
-Paragraph 2, Sentence 5: No comma needed before "and".
-Paragraph 4, Sentence 12: Comma between "pills" and "I".
-"See here" and "see now" are a bit confusing. Since the reader never actually gets to see the pictures, it seems a bit weird to say this. It's better for a film but not particularly for a book.
-Comma at the end? Shouldn't it be a period?

I find this story interesting so far. I kind of had a bit of a hard time getting into the story because of the second and third paragraph. Their wording is kind of confusing to me but I made it through. Definitely interesting that you incorporated the dreams she's had. They reveal enough to know that something weird is going to happen but not too much so that I know what narrator's role is going to be. Insomnia is something that is interesting because it makes the reader wonder "what does a person who doesn't sleep do?"

I've learned that on Fic Press, most writers write super short chapters so I can see why you suddenly end the chapter. It's not something I particularly enjoy since I like having chapters involving a complete action but it's something I have come to terms with.
8/6/2014 c1 L. F. Bartley
I really like this story. There's a lot to be proud of in the way of content and how it is written. I love the first person narrative. It always makes the reader relate to the character more. I personally feel that this allows the reader to enjoy the story more, but that's a matter of opinion among writers.

For the most part, the story flows smoothly and there are no punctuation or grammar errors. At the end, however, there are a few. Also, I felt some of the language could be changed to allow the story to flow more smoothly and also to give it that "creepy" feeling I was getting in the chapter's middle. Excellent job on that, by the way.

I feeling there is something missing here too. There's nothing...eye widening...about this first chapter. Nothing that makes me go "Woah!".
8/5/2014 c30 Malvos
So good! Now i'm all giddy, ha, who needs sleep? Can't wait to read it again!
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