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6/10/2014 c3 2lilymarie96
You really develop your character (Diana) quite well in this chapter. She's very likeable- with a low-pay job yet she's something very special, which I really like. Certain things about her really capture my interest; how she was very willing to help with the things from the otherside, the strong handshake, liking the mismatched chairs. Your writing is very, very good and I almost feel like I'm reading something that has actually been published :D! There was one thing I noticed in this chapter, was when we first meet Tony I thought he was going to be a threat, a bad guy trying to harm Diana by the kidnappery way he says dont speak, that his voice is very low, saying to go ahead and call the police seemed a lot like the threat of "scream but no one will hear you" and he seems threatening. And then it almost seemed a little too abrupt that you made him sweet and overgrown-babyish, that wasn't at all what I thought from the first impression. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but there should probably be more things earlier when they first meet indicating that he is/will be entirely harmless. Great chapter though! I love the idea of the firehouse as a safehouse, and that they're called the firehouse boys. It's very sweet! I like the little mismatched family there and can't wait to read more about them.
6/10/2014 c6 FictionWriter12
Yet again, another great chapter, though more oriented toward giving mind-blowing information to the main character.
I liked how we got more information on Markus, and how he has a harsher time there than what was let on. We see, for as young as he is, that he still has been through a lot of painful situations.
There's also the part with the other two ghosts that help the "Firehouse" group keep tabs in the town, which gives them a bit more background.
I plan to read the rest of the story from here.
6/10/2014 c2 lilymarie96
One thing I really enjoy is Diana's very realistic inner thoughts, which feel like the perfect length and describe funny things that most of us wouldn't say aloud we think about, like the firm handshake and the questioning about the roles of characters from Lord of the Rings. She is a very likeable character so far, especially with small details like this! I found very few gramatical errors in this chapter, but I just wanted to point them out to you really quickly. Your line when you write "..." I guess my vocal chords are still catching up to the rest of me, so I'll settle for a nod. " I think instead of using an ellipses, you should describe the kind of noise she made (a hum, small choking noise, she just sat with her mouth open?) just because it's kind of hard to see picture/hear what "..." would sound like in our heads. Also, for the audio recording, there were a few sentences in italics that didn't really need so be because they were just Diana's thoughts, which have not been italicized so far. But I liked this a lot, the family living in an old firehouse is a really neat concept. I'm hooked already!
6/10/2014 c5 FictionWriter12
I really thought this chapter had a lot of beneficial information. We got to see a bit more of Diana's life, her power, and the description and use of such a power.
This also was a very nice intermediate chapter, since nothing bad happened, but the reader gained more knowledge.
Beyond that, we got to see the "Firehouse's" family life; They weren't just business, they actually had this whole tiny ecosystem.
All in all, a very good info-oriented chapter.
6/10/2014 c1 lilymarie96
I really liked the description of the typical blonde haired child, i could picture it very well and it seemed to say a lot about your character! I also really liked the subtleness at which you said that she could see her breath in April, it was creepy and has the reader speculating just what could it be that she's told to run from. Also, it's cool that you have your character with a pretty common condition that isn't usually explored. It seems to me like most people will go for the big ones like cancer or psychosis or have nothing. I like the representation, and I think you've handled it pretty well! Nice cliffhanger too. Onto the next!
6/9/2014 c4 FictionWriter12
This chapter really flowed from the last.
One thing I liked was how you made the "Demon Worshipers" in this any age; it brought a lot emotion into the story for a few characters, as well as for the reader. Speaking of emotion, that panic attack part made me feel for Diana and feel like I was about to have one too.
The ending to this was well done in having her power come out in a desperate time; not in a bad way, not in a good way.
The only thing I have to say otherwise is that the way you used your dialogue caused me a bit of confusion, every once in a while. I sometimes thought that it was still one person talking, but it was told that there was actually a different person speaking.
Beyond that, this story is fantastic so far.
6/9/2014 c3 FictionWriter12
I really enjoyed this chapter. There was a lot of well organized information, and great descriptions of quiet a few things-
Not gonna lie, I'm kinda fond of Tony, whom I thought you gave great traits and personality.
Also, we still are getting a good amount of information about Diana as well, whether from dreams or just her thoughts on herself.
I thought your views on magic and demons were pretty different from the norms- Magic is really weird and unknowable, and the demons don't posses humans helping them, instead they use their services to find things they could find useful (including other vessels). I liked these ideas.
6/7/2014 c2 FictionWriter12
I enjoyed the action in the beginning, and then the quick cool-down with that wash of sadness at the end; it had a really good flow the whole time. Again, really good thoughts and description, especially during the scene where the were chased by the Sentinel. I thought the part where you tied in the grandmother was really interesting, as I thought that that might have been a possibility when I read about her. All in all, I can see nothing wrong, and the story is fantastic with its plot line.
6/7/2014 c1 FictionWriter12
I really like the amount of back-story you give. Showing the slow spiral that the main character goes through, ending with the sleep deprivation, really sets a feeling of sympathy for her. The great descriptions also help set the mood, and bring up suspense at the end with that one word- "Run."
6/4/2014 c2 JaveHarron
Really liking this story so far. You've got a solid amount of work behind the mechanics of the demons and how they interact with the world, although you haven't shown everything yet as to draw us in. Your narrator has a fairly solid voice, and I noticed very few grammatical errors. Going to watch this story.
6/3/2014 c1 JaveHarron
Okay, a decent starting chapter. You've got some good description and a fairly solid narrative voice for your narrator for now. I noticed a few grammatical errors, though. Still, looking forward to seeing where you take this idea.
6/2/2014 c4 Guest
I think you've finally hit your stride with this chapter. The errors are less prominent and your descriptions of characters add a lot to the story itself. Diana is easily relatable a no one would be ble to cope with the knowledge dropped on her easily and you make it clear that she doesn't. I would like to know more about why the demons can't get in the house but I assume you will reveal more later on. The only thing that still needs some work is your dialog. The lack of having points such as "Diana said" or "markus snickered" ect. Make her little side comments a little difficult to read if your not positive who the speaker is. All in all though I like that story.
6/4/2014 c13 2N.D.Iverson
Was the REO Speedwagon part a reference to a particular Supernatural episode perhaps? :P
I'm glad for Margret and Joel but why do they have to keep it a secret? Man I love Tony, he's just such an awesome character. Duh-duh-duuhhhhh who could that be?
6/2/2014 c5 3DeviouslyDifferent
Love the nerd references an I am definitely a Trek fan too. The force just isn't my style lol. This was a good chapter and I'm genuinely interested in where it's going. So much so that I'll probably continue reading. Your grammatical errors have definitely decreased and though some of my comments still stand you have obviously progressed as a writer and I'm impressed by your changes through out. The characters are compelling, though slightly static, for being this far along. Good work.
6/2/2014 c3 DeviouslyDifferent
Well done chapter. It's compelling and I love Tony, and the little sumo wrestlers. I've already explained the grammatical problems I have with the story so I shall not reiterate myself rather I'll focus on the story itself this time. Your plot is pretty simple, like a teen novel with the gradual unveiling of everything and it makes for a good, light read. You don't bog it down with unnecessary information and you actually get things to happen in your chapters. There's a couple things I'm wondering at this point such as: why are her parents not trying to find out where she went the other night especially if her truck is that loud? Her mom has three photo albums for each kid but doesn't notice her child drive off at one in the morning? And how can her beaten down old truck do 120 miles per hour? My 2013 car can barely do that. Or did you mean 120 kilometers per hour? I which case could you either change the location or the speed because Americans don't like the metric system? However those are more minor things. Essentially the characters of your story are interesting and believable. They are not Mary-Sues at all which is lovely and they each seem like they would have interesting back stories. All in all you have thus far built the foundations for a great story.
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