4/14/2015 c11 4pumadelic
Sahara's dog voice is well achieved and funny: I particularly like the leash as hateful-stopper-of-smells etc Her relationship to Al has just enough detail but I find ambiguous...not sure if he is a serial killer, turning women into werewolves or meat or whatever- the notion of hide and seek works well as a sinister misunderstanding of what this is all about.

The Aliph section is well written but feels less original, although there is an underlying theme of flesh spirit conflict.

So Al is Aliph and Sahara is his shape shifter?

You've riffed very well on all the implications of the word meet as well as on a master pet relationship. It is effective - and grisly - nice job.

4/9/2015 c11 2Orgaya
Initially I had the thought that it was going to be about a dog given the title. With the next few paragraphs, that was confirmed, although without ever saying it, which is good. I was thinking to myself that this was a pretty decent portrayal. Nothing unique, per se, just a dog wanting a belly rub or being hungry. Mistaking certain nuances of the human world for something else.I had figured that the guy was using the dog to lure women in, a tactic I have seen before when wanting a date, so again, nothing new. It was humorous.

And then "hide and seek" was mentioned. This was odd to me, something that broke the pattern. It then slowly dawned on me what this was turning into. We were privy to the mindset of a dog belonging to a serial killer. At first, I thought this was utterly brilliant. I was all excited, and frankly, I wish it had ended with "I obey". This would have been one of the coolest short stories I've read in a long time!

...

Then... the italics happened. What? Was this from something else? I skimmed over it because frankly, I was already engrossed in what had happened previously that all of this talk of vessels and... other things pointing to weird paranormal nonsense threw me so completely out of the story. It returned, sure, but I have no idea what that was about nor did I wholly care.

So, the story with the dog - perfect. Chilling, excellent twist. The stuff in italics? No idea. Unsure what to make of it. Written fine, sure, but I couldn't care less about it. Sorry. The twist, however, was enough to make me vote for this piece.

4/6/2015 c8 14Virtuella
This is exquisite. I love all the little details, like the hand that gropes for the missing hair or the clothes with the frayed edges. It makes the character very vivid. The simile in the first sentence is great, it immediately conjures up this image of a small, neat figure.

I’m not sure if I’d been prewarned by you mentioning that it’s an unreliable narrator, or whether I would have picked this up anyway, but I think there is a creepy undercurrent from the start. The sentence about the dug out pride momentarily creates sympathy for the narrator, but then comes this sentence that I found creepiest of all: “every time we touch, I want to melt into the warmth of your skin and sink down into your flesh to spread like a blush through your veins until I reach your heart.“ It is exactly the kind of language that is sometimes considered erotic but which bears witness to a very unhealthy obsession and a desire to possess the other person.

It’s a powerful story that I don’t want to pick apart further, suffice to say I read it sitting on the edge of my chair.

4/5/2015 c11 43LuckycoolHawk9
I like the way you show this romantic relationship between shapeshifters because it shows a different side between two animals or an animal and a human interacting with each other which is a great thing and leaves you wondering about things. I also like how you characterize Sahara because she has a unique overprotective personality of all which draws into her character quite well and leaves you wondering. I however dislike the fact that it is not clear what species any of these characters are because it detatches from the interactions. Otherwise great start.

4/4/2015 c5 Jalux
[Character]
I like the moment of self-reflection when she realizes that she's acting like a weak girl which is exactly what she hates because it raises the question is it wrong to be weak in these situations? Perhaps maybe but it is also human and understandable as well. I thought the best friend was a cool character but a little flat and cliched in some respects. It is a short story though so it can't be avoided.

[Technique]
The use of the various lines of thought and the mashed words was confusing at first but I think at the end you get used to it and I feel it adds quite a bit to the story. There's a layer of complexity you can reach but delving into their heads like this. It also makes it easier to see who is talking.

[Ending]
Very bittersweet ending, it's terrible in a way because they died but at least it was together and yeah I suppose it touches on the theme of if it's worth living if your loved ones are dead. It's also very emotional and I personally felt most people would connect to Jay at the end, maybe not so much for Mach although glimpses of him through Jay were good.

[Dialogue]
Dialogue reads quite well and especially the last few lines between the lovers was very somber. You could feel Jay's sense of helplessness and even defeat in some of her lines and I found this really cool to read through because of the strong dialogue.

4/3/2015 c3 14Virtuella
Woah. I am mightily impressed. This story intrigued me from the very first moment. I thought (hoped?) for a while that we were talking about mannequins here, but it soon became clear that the situation was much more sinister. What a brutal examination of where our society’s consumerism might lead!

There is so much in this story in the way of real world issues that are hinted at – human trafficking, the sex industry, artificial intelligences, brain-washing etc. The people in this story commit the ultimate sin – treating human beings as things. And it is chilling to consider that we are already doing this to a degree. This scenario is merely the logical extension.

The tone of the story worked very well. The spare, understated prose has a mechanical feel to it that fits the theme perfectly. The sandwiching of current and past scenes also worked well. It was puzzling to begin with and then gradually the whole story emerged.

That “the data files that contain her personality” get lost, just as Claudia had feared, is a moment of bitter tragedy. It also makes me think of what dementia does to people. Whether this was your intention or not, it adds another interesting layer to the story.

3/26/2015 c2 rkalanau
Part-time: Chapter 2
To be honest, I found this style hard to read… while ‘organized’, the choppiness made it hard to get to the end. Had to go back a few times to re-read paragraphs of it again, to understand what was going on. I can tell you are a good writer, however the delivery needs to be more, clear? And… far less choppy… to me it was akin to kayaking down a choppy river, getting hit by a large wave, than being hit with yet another while trying to get going again. Glad other people got it and liked the style.

Lady lumps? Made me laugh, appreciated the wit.

Must be my imagination, but I originally ‘thought’ this occurred out in the street, and he was dancing in a store window for their amusement, not sure how I arrived to that… however further in, was surprised to find that this is occurred in a classroom. LOL, sry, am a newbie reviewer, bear with me.

I like how you explain: he assigned her a small fraction of his attention. To me this comes across as a character that is intelligent, self aware, and controlled…

All in all the chapter is ok. So what will he do now, and most of all what will he do about her knowing whom he is? He clearly comes off as the stronger character in this chapter, in my opinion.

3/10/2015 c9 4m. b. whitlock
RG EF #6702

Find X

Opening:

I like the opening very much though I do find a few parts just a tad confusing. I think the best of it is SKB’s entrance and how Izzy is so thrown off by it. :)

I do think you could simplify the language here some:
“The balding bush that he was huddling behind was a poor mediator between his goose-pimpling skin and any outraged stares, even with the help of fading dusk light.”
‘Mediator’ sticks out some for me and kinda needlessly implies agency on the part of the bush and doesn’t quite work for me in the context of the sentence. Perhaps something like, ‘The balding bush he was huddling behind poorly concealed his goose-pimpling skin from any possible outraged stares,” just suggesting.. ;)

“The shadow of the bush shifted and birthed another shape – a slender four-limbed one,”
“Four-limbed” makes me think she’s an animal – non-human animal ;) — at first. Cool. Works to show her difference from the beginning.

I don’t understand why he was changing though. If you choose to revise this maybe explain a bit more…?

But was he ever naked?:
“She laughed. "It's not like I've never seen a naked guy before.””

Writing/Techniques/Style:

Interesting repetition of the word ‘bald’:
“The bald statement made him flush.”

Bald originally meant ‘white’, specifically ‘white spot on the head’ (like a horse might have, think ‘Bald eagle) or ‘shining’ in Middle English. It didn’t get it’s current definition of ‘lack of hair’ until much later. Perhaps an association with the word ‘ball’ or just the fact that bald men had white hair on the sides or shiny bare heads. Anyway, I’m wondering if you are getting at something here…

Makes me wonder how old they are:
“"We'll be good little children and keep this to ourselves, right?" she said with a sly, exaggerated wink.”

Like this line:
“He was quite good at being inconspicuously absent.”

In fact I very much like the thematically based format you develop throughout the piece with these repeated phrases at the top of each section describing things he’s ‘good’ at, also:
“He was fairly good at Maths.”

Character:

Like this moment for developing his character:
“He couldn't think of anything else he might have done that would qualify as a Very Important Matter. It weighed on him – if he was in trouble, he wanted to at least have some excuses prepared.”
He appears to be a quite sensitive and thoughtful person. Showing us his anxiety over getting in trouble for doing something ‘bad’ is a very effective non-clichéd way to convey his need to be accepted.

Great character here:
“He wondered fleetingly how it might feel to be the elusive 'X' that was always being sought for in Maths problems,”
The girls seems more like an ‘X’, and he does seem like a more solid ‘Y’.

Really like her re-entrance here:
“He looked up at the voice, and into his head jumped the movie he'd watched at Ben's. Pale skin, long black hair and cold hard eyes – he was apparently face to face with the supernatural protagonist of the movie. “
Adds drama and excitement, much more than if you had simply said she showed up again. The multiple identities thing is cool too. :)

Funny:
“ The expressionless face that she said it with made the swearword seem coarser than it actually was.” And she didn’t even use the actual swearword. Like it. He really is a ‘shouldn’t’ guy.

This is an interesting development:
“He was referring to her straight-A results and regular awards for academic and extra-curricular achievements; virtually every student in the school knew her full name from it being repeated so often during assemblies,”
It’s a little surprising to me that she’s such a stellar student. Not what I expected after her peeping on him and climbing like Catwoman.

Dialogue:

Whoa:
“ "All I'm good for, according to my parents, is to spread my legs wide open so some man can stick his glorious manhood in so that nine months later, another glorious sample of manhood will burst out through the same hole.””
That’s some serious dialogue! ;) I wonder would she really use such a shy term as ‘manhood’. Why not have her use ‘dick’ or something earthier, more shocking (cause I feel like she may want to shock him). ;)

Like these lines a lot!:
“"Yeah, I'm a good girl. You're a good boy. We're two effing balls of shiny effing goodness.””
I definitely hear her voice there.

What an intriguing dark ending. I’m not sure whether she actually dies lying on him or if you are symbolically showing how after they get married a part of her dies as they become conventionally ‘good’.

Really liked it!

vb,

mbw