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for The Junkman and the Len's Keeper

3/17/2014 c1 The Anonymous Critic
A very riveting prologue/first chapter, may I say, and I also want to thank you for the good read. Your descriptions are simple, yet effective, and I enjoy your writing style because of how it allows readers to surmise things for themselves. In other words, the cliche advice, "Show, don't tell" is very apparent in your writing. You don't hold the reader's hand. Instead, you give them vivid glimpses of what's going on and it helps to keep the reader's interest as they are introduced to your world.

As an non-professional critic, it is my job to critique stories, but when I read yours I found little to no flaws. Besides maybe one or two grammar mistakes (which barely even stand out), I would, however, suggest you add more imagery that appeals to the senses. You give plenty of things for our mind's eye to feast upon, but I feel you need to feed the other senses.

Let us hear the moaning of the swirling, cold wind and the quiet sniffles of Yana as she mourns the dying girl they find. Let us smell the slight iron tinge of blood as you describe what they find. Let us feel the frigid cold breeze as it enters Yarrow and Yana's lungs and pierces their very soul.

Things like that, you know? The main objective of the writer, IMO, is to entice the reader's senses and ensnare them so deeply with a metaphorical, literary 'hook' that they absolutely CANNOT bring themselves to tear away from our stories. You have a good grasp on this, as well, and my interest was kept at a constant rate as I read your first chapter.

I also liked how you hinted at different plot ideas while the main characters are dealing with traveling, going into the junkyard, finding the girl, etc... Like, you mention how the dying girl's blond hair is a sure sign that she is from the Observatory; it makes the reader wonder, why? Why do the people of the Observatory have physical traits that set them apart from the villagers?

Also, why is she so hot (not appearance-wise, lol)? Why was Yuli sick? Why is it forbidden to enter the Grounds? Does the dying girl have the same sickness as Yuli did/does?

Things like that keep the reader's interest. And, might I say, you EXCEL at this sort of foreshadowing.

Anyways, I don't wanna ramble for too long. ;) But just know that what you have here is a genuine gem, and I look forward to read what happens next.

The Anonymous Critic

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