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7/7/2014 c1 7heatheatheat
Problems (by paragraph):
1 - I would change it to "...The professor's voice rang throughout the silent lecture hall."
2 - "full well" seems a bit unnecessary to me. I would just eliminate it from this sentence.
3 - I would change it to "My instructor said with a smile, showing that he knew I hadn't been paying attention." I would also put the words 'in fact' inside of commas.
4 - In the third sentence where the character is talking about Dr. Miles' classroom examples, I would change the one that made fun of art students to "...I don't always talk to art students, but when I do, I ask for an order of large fries." In the next sentence, I would put a comma right before Professor.
5 - I found many places here in which commas are needed.
6 - The "looking away from the professor" part seems unnecessary. I would just alter it to be "Once more, I put my pen to a spare..." Haha commas...
8 - It should be "vampire's hair" since you are discussing that it is her hair.
22 - In the third sentence, I believe you meant "...a fawn trying to tell his friends that his goat legs were just a prank." You accidentally wrote "we" instead of "were". Since you mentioned a guy in her class is a fawn, I would change the part about the siren having guys "fawning" over her to a different word such as "gawking".
24 - There doesn't need to be an apostrophe in the word cameras.
26 - I would change the first sentence to something like "Kat fell silent again and I continued to look around the room." The original wording sounds too repetitive to me. In the next sentence, I would put a comma after "wore off".
27 - I'm not a fan of how the first sentence is worded, so I would suggest changing it around.
28 - In Tabitha's dialogue, I would eliminate "Right now" and begin it with "We need to leave...". It sounds like she's saying "now" too much. Instead of calling the room an auditorium, I would refer to it as a lecture hall. I would change the beginning of the second to last sentence to "Besides missing it's eyes,..."
31 - When she mentions her car is a Mazda, it leaves me wondering what kind of car it is. I have a Mazda Miata, which is relatively small, so that came into mind. If that is the car, I wouldn't call it a Mazda for short, I would call it a Miata.
33 - I would eliminate the word "back". I don't really feel like it improved the sentence by being there.

Plot and Characters:
The professor- is he just a professor or does he have his doctorate? I'm assuming that he has his doctorate, which would make him Dr. Miles. You could always refer to him as a professor or instructor or whatever, but if you are going to mention his name, you should really only call him Dr. Miles.

I think you need to work on punctuation a bit. There are quite a few places I have seen that could use commas, but lacked them. I would re-read the chapter and insert commas where you pause reading in your head.

Sexy pin-up vampires. I love it.

Wow, it did not take long to get some action out of this chapter! Random class-wide electrocution? Interesting! I totally did not see that coming... nor the fact that Tabitha and other students were supernatural beings.

I can't wait to find out about Tabitha's family and her past. It is such an intriguing storyline. I've always loved the ones that have the supernatural living alongside humans in secret.

I really like this story so far. It's kind of weird, but definitely interesting. I have so many questions I'm sure will be answered in the future chapters, such as: What was all that electrocution business? Why were the supernatural creatures' human disguises eliminated? What is going on?

Hopefully, we get paired up again, or maybe I'll just come here in my spare time to put in some SBC class and review. Keep up the good work girl!
6/27/2014 c4 2lilymarie96
ahhh no not a cliffhanger ;A;
Your explanations for things are pretty awesome and well thought out. I also like the little indicators you've written in about creatures (like how Tabitha gets offended when Kat asks if she's a fairy) and things that disguise things from humans, like the sh***y male enhancement website covering up a real one for magical folk. Those little details are a lot of fun! I'll be looking for some new updates from you :)
6/27/2014 c3 lilymarie96
I really like the addition of Jack the raven, hopefully he will be able to be of use to the two of them! Dang, those grey creatures sound very creepy. I hope we hear more about those in later chapters; what they are and why they were staring like that. I found it funny that Kat needed all that stuff, and I see nothing wrong with a little humor in an apocalypse story. It makes it unique! I also am hoping to hear more about this monsters in society idea, as well as maybe more about what it means for Tabitha to be an elf! Maybe when Kat gets curious and begins to ask questions?
6/26/2014 c2 lilymarie96
"Gesturing for Kat to stay low and keep quite" -quiet
"Normally I would respond to her odd choice of places but I was to busy" -too busy. Also I have been meaning to ask you if the title for "To Far Gone" is meant to be that way? In in: "Location- Far Gone" or if you meant "Very/Dangerously Far Gone", and if so that would be "Too". Sorry to mention that here but I didn't want to forget!
Now, because only commenting on grammar is boring, about your plot! I liked the way you revealed the character's looks in this chapter, and I found it funny and ironic than an elf would be 5"10' and taller than her human friend :) I kind of like the mystery you've set up..like who let these demons out anyway, who turned off the proverbial switch to show the mythical creature's true selves, and who this woman/goddess is. I really like the pacing of this as well, you don't make it too short or drag it out either.
6/26/2014 c1 lilymarie96
Okay just saying I REALLY LIKE THIS IDEA. A LOT. I love that you didn't reveal that the main character was an elf until that weird magic thing, then said the ears thing, THEN revealed what she was. Awesome storytelling, and I loved that you gave the readers the impression that she was completely normal in the beginning. I also applaud the use of some lesser known mythological creatures instead of the very overused ones like vampires or werewolves. The harpies and sirens were a nice touch; and I liked that you explained how sirens-in-disguise were "those girls" who boys fawned over. Pretty much genius ;) On that note I'd like to ask if you might include Selkies in this? They're a really cute creature of Celtic origin and are basically seal mermaids. I would look it up just because I find it fun to read up on lesser-known myths (you might too, I'm guessing), and just saying Selkies are one of my favorite mythological creatures. They don't really cause any harm, they just like to swim around all day or dance on the beach :) But sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a rant. This has a very interesting idea about monsters being hidden in society and I'm really digging it. The only problem I had with this chapter was the ending. Those demons seemed scary as hell, and terrifying that they are taking down students (which I assume means kills or at least mauls). The ending seemed a little abrupt and out of place, maybe you should mention that the laughing is more of a hysterical type or they are so freaked out they don't even really know how to act. Other than that I didn't even see very many spelling errors. And I have a feeling I am going to enjoy this story a lot :) :)
6/24/2014 c4 2spoonla
No! Not a cliff hanger ;_;
6/24/2014 c3 spoonla
It's good that there is more character development on Kat's part. I like how, though it's a gruesome scene, the characters are pretty chill about it. The story is very interesting so far and already has things that make me want to keep reading it. Also, I forgot to mention last chapter, there were some missing commas that were distracting from the story. But other than that, no complaints.
6/24/2014 c2 spoonla
I'm really enjoying reading this because, even though the story has some creepy bits, the Tabitha's commentary is pretty funny. There is some good character development in this chapter and the visual descriptions are well written.
6/24/2014 c1 spoonla
This is a great first chapter because it jumps right into the story and hooks the reader. It is well written and easy to follow. I like how even though I just met the characters, their strong friendship isn't just obvious, but believable.
6/23/2014 c2 FictionWriter12
I'm glad we got to see what these characters looked like in this chapter.
There's also a lot of action that adds to the story, but it's not too over-powering; the characters have their goal, and this is something getting in the way.
As for any errors, these were the only ones I found- "Weaving through the chairs was far to slow..." "But it must have been frm when the..." "Neither or us were fat by any stretch..."
6/23/2014 c1 FictionWriter12
This is an awesome story concept.
I really enjoy Tabitha and Kat, as well as the professor who makes all the jokes for the 'interesting' people. I didn't expect the quick change for Tabitha to be an Elf; it really boosted the story.
I think this chapter went just fast enough.
6/17/2014 c4 2Anne Redwood
I love how Kat doesn’t pause for breathe while demanding answers and asking questions. It’s both realistic and amusing. Her comment about Wikipedia is funny. Love the cliff-hanger.
There were a few comma things, but we all struggle with that. I think I made a few suggestions in earlier reviews, but I’m not sure. If I didn’t and you have questions feel free to message me. A quick note about quotes within dialogue: use these kinds of ‘quotes’. Example: “…Not ‘cake is a lie’ kinds of portals…”
I’m a bit confused about when Tabitha is explaining the letter. She said it was from her birth mother, but then said that the internet wasn’t around when her mom was. Why would Kat snap after talking to her family? There’s a blank where Tabitha says “I knew it was a lot to take in…before I was introduced to (blank)”. Is there supposed to be something there?
One small word thing is that you said “you own me an explanation”. Did you mean “owe”? At one point you also said “and” instead of “an”.
Hope this helps.
Anne
6/12/2014 c3 Anne Redwood
I love how determined Kat is to pack before leaving. That sounds like some of my friends. Tabitha’s comment about an apocalypse showing the basic human desire to live is both funny and painfully true.
There are a few missing commas like the first and second chapter. One needs to go after any name in a line of dialogue unless it’s the name of the speaker. For example: “Kat, we have to get to my house” or (random example) “I know, Mom, but this is mandatory.” A comma is also needed towards the beginning of sentences like “Grabbing my purse, I followed…”.
One minor mistake is that you used “heard” instead of “herd” and “peak” instead of “peek”. I do this kind of thing all the time.
Something I’m trying to understand is why you made Tabitha an elf and incorporated other mythical creatures into the story. Maybe I just haven’t read enough yet.
If you have any questions, feel free to message me. Hope this helps.
Anne
6/12/2014 c2 Anne Redwood
Okay, so I really like Tabitha’s sense of humor, especially where she brings up the zombie apocalypse. The use of Sesame Street in Kat’s swear made me laugh.
One thing I did notice was that you forgot to use a ‘ to make something possessive.
There were a few sentences that were worded weirdly. The one where Tabitha’s climbing up the stairs, for example. Instead of saying “…in as close to silence as I could manage…” you might want to say something like “Climbing up the auditorium steps as quietly as I could manage…”. Another one is when she mentions her jean legs brushing together. “Unfortunately I could not prevent the slight swish of my jeans rubbing together or the soft thump of my runners hitting the floor” might be another way you could word it. This is a personal preference so you don’t have to, it’s just a suggestion. I also don’t think you need the sentence “She was all curves where as I was a bloody box.” You describe the girls in the following sentences that create this image without you having to state it. Again, though, this is just a personal preference.
One thing I do suggest doing is italicizing Tabitha’s thoughts to separate them from normal dialogue.
I am wondering why you put their descriptions where you did. When I think about their situation, it feels strange that she’s focusing on appearances when they need to escape.
Hope this helps.
Anne
6/12/2014 c1 Anne Redwood
Hey! The idea of mythical creatures living amongst normal humans is one I’ve always found interesting. I’m curious to know what happens next.
There are a few grammatical errors. One that I saw several times was a missing comma before the word “but”. I may be wrong, but I was taught that a comma usually comes first. Commas were also missing at the beginning of some sentences. For example: “Even when he was not writing mean things about art students Professor Miles…” There should be a comma after students. There were a few sentences like this. Another thing I noticed was that some words weren’t capitalized despite being the first word in a dialogue. Even if there’s a comma before the dialogue, the first word needs to be capitalized because it’s basically another sentence.
A few things in the plot confused me. First, Kat, and the others, adjusted very quickly to the sudden knowledge that their friends were mythical creatures. If that happened to me, I’d be freaking out for at least an hour, probably longer. Second, they were shouting and laughing even though there was still a demon nearby. Wouldn’t that draw its attention to them?
Hope this helps.
Anne
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