for The New Age2/24/2015 c2 
2Unconsciousness
Hey! I know this chapter was posted a long time ago, and I would love to read more of your story to finally get up to date, but I'll review this one nonetheless c:
There's something very prominent in your writing style, i've noticed in your style of writing. You tend to describe the little things a lot. I don't want to be mean, but I think at some points in the story, it gets a little tiring to be reading all these descriptions of whatever might be. Ease off of the descriptions a little bit and focus more on what the character(s) is/are thinking.
I hoped this helps! I really want to put some time aside to read more, but I'm a bit busy at the moment. c:
2UnconsciousnessHey! I know this chapter was posted a long time ago, and I would love to read more of your story to finally get up to date, but I'll review this one nonetheless c:
There's something very prominent in your writing style, i've noticed in your style of writing. You tend to describe the little things a lot. I don't want to be mean, but I think at some points in the story, it gets a little tiring to be reading all these descriptions of whatever might be. Ease off of the descriptions a little bit and focus more on what the character(s) is/are thinking.
I hoped this helps! I really want to put some time aside to read more, but I'm a bit busy at the moment. c:
1/1/2015 c1 Unconsciousness
Okay, here it is, after a long long while xP
I really like your writing style! This story definitely looks promising to have an interesting plot.
A few things that I noticed though was that you sort of explain things too quickly. I mean, it's nice, knowing what's going on, but I think that it could be spread out a bit better. I know that you have yet to describe a mutant, and I'm really excited to find out a bit more about them, but yeah. Just be careful about the info that you let out.
There were a few typos with grammar and capitalization, and if you want, I can point them out to you specifically.
One more thing. You mentioned this makeshift government, but I had no idea what you were talking about. That could be something that you could fix a bit, unless you've explained it in other chapters.
Peace :3
- Unconsciousness
Okay, here it is, after a long long while xP
I really like your writing style! This story definitely looks promising to have an interesting plot.
A few things that I noticed though was that you sort of explain things too quickly. I mean, it's nice, knowing what's going on, but I think that it could be spread out a bit better. I know that you have yet to describe a mutant, and I'm really excited to find out a bit more about them, but yeah. Just be careful about the info that you let out.
There were a few typos with grammar and capitalization, and if you want, I can point them out to you specifically.
One more thing. You mentioned this makeshift government, but I had no idea what you were talking about. That could be something that you could fix a bit, unless you've explained it in other chapters.
Peace :3
- Unconsciousness
11/27/2014 c5 1TheTigress
I feel so bad for Panda. I hope he finds a place to stay soon.
It feels like most of the focus of this chapter is just about Lucas at school which is actually kind of boring, since this is a post-apocalyptic story so the readers are interested in reading about struggles and adventures, not what classes he has and what girl is bothering him. I'm not saying that it shouldn't be mentioned, but it shouldn't be the focus of an entire chapter. I would actually focus more on Panda and make his conversation with Lucas a little bit longer and more emotional, and then go back and cut out some of the school stuff that we don't really need to know.
How you described Lucas is exactly how I imagined him lol! Great minds think alike, huh?
I hope we get some more mutant action soon. XD Something tragic is loooong overdue.
1TheTigressI feel so bad for Panda. I hope he finds a place to stay soon.
It feels like most of the focus of this chapter is just about Lucas at school which is actually kind of boring, since this is a post-apocalyptic story so the readers are interested in reading about struggles and adventures, not what classes he has and what girl is bothering him. I'm not saying that it shouldn't be mentioned, but it shouldn't be the focus of an entire chapter. I would actually focus more on Panda and make his conversation with Lucas a little bit longer and more emotional, and then go back and cut out some of the school stuff that we don't really need to know.
How you described Lucas is exactly how I imagined him lol! Great minds think alike, huh?
I hope we get some more mutant action soon. XD Something tragic is loooong overdue.
11/16/2014 c4 TheTigress
For Chapter 3: Great job on this chapter! With every chapter I notice that your writing improves, which is awesome! One minor thing I noticed is that you spelled adrenaline wrong on more than one occasion- it needs an "e" at the end. Other than that I can't find anything to complain about.
The fight with the mutant was a little bit hard to follow. That is one area where more detail would have been good. I think some very dark and terrifying adjectives would have been great here too, since this is the first time the reader is experiencing a mutant attack and you want me, as the reader, to be horrified and on the edge of my seat. For example when the mutant was on top of Lucas, you could have written something like: "It's yellow, bulging eyes leaked a putrid liquid. The mutant made strangled noises, and Lucas could feel its breath on his face. Jagged black nails sunk into his flesh, the mutant's hands trembling with its overwhelming blood lust." - That was only an example. I actually don't know enough about the mutants to accurately describe them. I just used the image of a Walking Dead zombie in my head, but you get the point.
For a moment I was expecting the mutant to turn out to be Panda! I was biting my nails hoping that it wouldn't be him, poor guy.
So are the mutants alive or dead? I guess that question will be answered in the future, hopefully. Also, did Lucas get bitten? And does that matter? Or was he just scratched? Again, more description would have been nice. I understand that he was attacked, I just don't know HOW. All you described was pain and blood.
For Chapter 4: I can't believe Lucas cares so much about his homework, even when he almost died, lol. It's pretty much the only thing about him that drives me insane!
Ok, so I guess he wasn't bitten? He was scratched...and damn those were some pretty bad scratches then. So I'm guessing that mutants are not infectious, and if they are then it's probably through bites alone. And if so, that mutant didn't bite Lucas even though he had ample opportunities to do it. Ah well... like I said before, these questions will hopefully be answered in time.
Why is his mom so concerned about who brought him home? Does she know something he doesn't? Hmm... I can see her getting upset about the bag of course, but she seems to be nervous about more than just some mysterious supplies.
Interesting turn in the plot. I look forward to finding out what EARTH is...
For Chapter 3: Great job on this chapter! With every chapter I notice that your writing improves, which is awesome! One minor thing I noticed is that you spelled adrenaline wrong on more than one occasion- it needs an "e" at the end. Other than that I can't find anything to complain about.
The fight with the mutant was a little bit hard to follow. That is one area where more detail would have been good. I think some very dark and terrifying adjectives would have been great here too, since this is the first time the reader is experiencing a mutant attack and you want me, as the reader, to be horrified and on the edge of my seat. For example when the mutant was on top of Lucas, you could have written something like: "It's yellow, bulging eyes leaked a putrid liquid. The mutant made strangled noises, and Lucas could feel its breath on his face. Jagged black nails sunk into his flesh, the mutant's hands trembling with its overwhelming blood lust." - That was only an example. I actually don't know enough about the mutants to accurately describe them. I just used the image of a Walking Dead zombie in my head, but you get the point.
For a moment I was expecting the mutant to turn out to be Panda! I was biting my nails hoping that it wouldn't be him, poor guy.
So are the mutants alive or dead? I guess that question will be answered in the future, hopefully. Also, did Lucas get bitten? And does that matter? Or was he just scratched? Again, more description would have been nice. I understand that he was attacked, I just don't know HOW. All you described was pain and blood.
For Chapter 4: I can't believe Lucas cares so much about his homework, even when he almost died, lol. It's pretty much the only thing about him that drives me insane!
Ok, so I guess he wasn't bitten? He was scratched...and damn those were some pretty bad scratches then. So I'm guessing that mutants are not infectious, and if they are then it's probably through bites alone. And if so, that mutant didn't bite Lucas even though he had ample opportunities to do it. Ah well... like I said before, these questions will hopefully be answered in time.
Why is his mom so concerned about who brought him home? Does she know something he doesn't? Hmm... I can see her getting upset about the bag of course, but she seems to be nervous about more than just some mysterious supplies.
Interesting turn in the plot. I look forward to finding out what EARTH is...
11/4/2014 c3 TheTigress
This is for Chapter 2: I like how you utilized flashbacks here. As opposed to the one you used in chapter one, which had seemed a little out of place, these flashbacks in this chapter were just right. Especially the flashback where Lucas remembers seeing his first mutant. Very well done. The plot progresses nicely here, although I still think that some of the details are hard to get through (like when you talk about school and homework and what they eat for dinner, ect). Those details can be important to know at times, but don't let it distract from the emotion and the action. A good rule is to ask yourself: "Is this important to the plot? Is this going to lead somewhere interesting?" And if it doesn't meet that criteria, just leave it out. On a completely different note, I really want to know where those strange notes are coming from. XD
This is for Chapter 2: I like how you utilized flashbacks here. As opposed to the one you used in chapter one, which had seemed a little out of place, these flashbacks in this chapter were just right. Especially the flashback where Lucas remembers seeing his first mutant. Very well done. The plot progresses nicely here, although I still think that some of the details are hard to get through (like when you talk about school and homework and what they eat for dinner, ect). Those details can be important to know at times, but don't let it distract from the emotion and the action. A good rule is to ask yourself: "Is this important to the plot? Is this going to lead somewhere interesting?" And if it doesn't meet that criteria, just leave it out. On a completely different note, I really want to know where those strange notes are coming from. XD
10/28/2014 c2 TheTigress
Ok, so I finished reading chapter one yaaaay! So this part of my review is just me pondering what I just read. I pointed out the things that could be improved upon earlier, so now I'm just dissecting the characters and the story. This is actually for chapter one but I had to post the review from chapter two since it won't let me review chapter one twice.
Yes I do tend to ramble on, I apologize in advance.
I find it ridiculous that they still care about school and football games and homework after all of the destruction they've survived. I'm actually not criticizing your plot though- even Lucas and Panda themselves agree with me, which means that the characters are aware of how futile their situation is. I wonder if that's going to come into play later on in the story? It would be pretty neat to see their silly attempt at society crumble and they slowly turn into animals. Now I need to read more to find out what happens! With how unique this setting is, I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised regardless. Disregard my twisted ideas... I tend to get carried away... :)
Box and whisker plots. Why the heck does he need to learn those NOW of all times? Lol. I don't know why I thought that part was funny. Maybe it's because I remember crying over MY math homework once too. And doing math homework during an apocalypse has got to be the pits man.
I can't wait to find out more about the mutants, and about Panda and what's going to happen to him. The mutants must be pretty frightening for him to not even attempt to go back home.
Ok, so I finished reading chapter one yaaaay! So this part of my review is just me pondering what I just read. I pointed out the things that could be improved upon earlier, so now I'm just dissecting the characters and the story. This is actually for chapter one but I had to post the review from chapter two since it won't let me review chapter one twice.
Yes I do tend to ramble on, I apologize in advance.
I find it ridiculous that they still care about school and football games and homework after all of the destruction they've survived. I'm actually not criticizing your plot though- even Lucas and Panda themselves agree with me, which means that the characters are aware of how futile their situation is. I wonder if that's going to come into play later on in the story? It would be pretty neat to see their silly attempt at society crumble and they slowly turn into animals. Now I need to read more to find out what happens! With how unique this setting is, I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised regardless. Disregard my twisted ideas... I tend to get carried away... :)
Box and whisker plots. Why the heck does he need to learn those NOW of all times? Lol. I don't know why I thought that part was funny. Maybe it's because I remember crying over MY math homework once too. And doing math homework during an apocalypse has got to be the pits man.
I can't wait to find out more about the mutants, and about Panda and what's going to happen to him. The mutants must be pretty frightening for him to not even attempt to go back home.
10/26/2014 c1 TheTigress
Ok so your plot is good- I like how you explained wwIII and I like how you described the setting. However, I feel like you tried to put way too much information into one chapter. It was almost like reading a textbook at times. Maybe if you reveal details more slowly and through other ways other than just explaining it in a long paragraph it would be more intruiging. The less oeople know at first the more they WANT to know. It leaves the reader with a sense of mystery and makes them want to go on out of curiosity. You can reveal plot details and character development through actions, dialogue, and flashbacks. You did have one flashback but it sort of seemed out of place. I would have put it closer to when we actually get to meet Panda later in in the chapter. Also I didn't get to finish reading chapter one (I'm on my phone and in a bit of a hurry... I got to the stargazing note part) so I will finish it when I can and adjust my review accordingly. As of now, I also feel like this chapter could be broken up into two. The first chapter should be like a catchy introduction that introduces your main character and their world. It's normally in the second one that you start the actual development. But that's just me. I also spotted a few smalll grammar/spelling mistakes but nothing big. Overall the story has potential but I'd like to feel more emotion and not be bombarded with so much info at once.
Ok so your plot is good- I like how you explained wwIII and I like how you described the setting. However, I feel like you tried to put way too much information into one chapter. It was almost like reading a textbook at times. Maybe if you reveal details more slowly and through other ways other than just explaining it in a long paragraph it would be more intruiging. The less oeople know at first the more they WANT to know. It leaves the reader with a sense of mystery and makes them want to go on out of curiosity. You can reveal plot details and character development through actions, dialogue, and flashbacks. You did have one flashback but it sort of seemed out of place. I would have put it closer to when we actually get to meet Panda later in in the chapter. Also I didn't get to finish reading chapter one (I'm on my phone and in a bit of a hurry... I got to the stargazing note part) so I will finish it when I can and adjust my review accordingly. As of now, I also feel like this chapter could be broken up into two. The first chapter should be like a catchy introduction that introduces your main character and their world. It's normally in the second one that you start the actual development. But that's just me. I also spotted a few smalll grammar/spelling mistakes but nothing big. Overall the story has potential but I'd like to feel more emotion and not be bombarded with so much info at once.
10/23/2014 c1 1echogirlcapri
"Welcome to the New Age" sounds like that Imagine Dragons song. Or maybe it's just me :P
Anyways, so I once heard that no one knows what WW3 would be fought with, butt WW4 would be fought with sticks and stones. So I thought this sounded pretty interesting from the start.
I'm actually going to start reading now. I promise.
I love the first paragraph. How it uses all the senses. It sounds - dare I say it? - like a professional novel's beginning. Almost like that Fahrenheit 451 book we read a few years back. It...incredible, really! Nice job.
[ without any other way to communicate; Lucas could tell the makeshift government they were building wasn't going to last long ] comma instead of semicolon, I think.
[ still standing cities ] should be hyphenated: "still-standing cities"
[ blow-up ] I believe you mean "blown-up" but yeah, my spellcheck just changed that too :P
[ mutant ] I don't know much about mutants (although truth to be told I am a mutant) but I think this word should be "mutate" since it's a verb. Yes?
Random question: did you make the cover for this? It's cute :) and better than I could have done (I used an app for mine, so I cheated).
[ had to make due ] I almost missed this, but it's actually "make do" :D
[ "-was estimated that seventy five million people died during the course of World War II-" ] is this his mom speaking? She's the next person mentioned, so I thought it must be her. Oh, and did you mean WW3? I'm not sure...
[ Lucas's dad scared him, he didn't know what had overcome the kind, gentle-hearted person that he had once knew ] two things, because I'm a grammar Nazi: 1) I think it needs to be a semicolon or a dash or a period there instead of a comma, since there are two independent clauses. 2) I'm pretty sure it should be "he had once known"
It's cute how he meets Panda, and that's an adorable name :) I think Lucas is a pretty nice guy - and he doesn't really have much choice, does he?
I like how they play football scrimmages against each other. It highlights how much they're struggling to have a normal school life. I really, really like that. They just want to be high schoolers, even though this terrible war has happened, and they're doing their best to keep pushing onward. It's a great sense that you've created here.
Haha, the girls like Lucas :)
Lucas is a great guy to help Panda! I'm really liking him so far, it's just really sweet that he wants to talk to Panda about his "home" life and ... just aww!
I really feel for Panda. He doesn't want to lean on anyone. He wants to be able to survive on his own, but I think when he says "why does graduating matter anymore?" he really shatters the fragile delusion the school is creating, that Lucas really wants to believe in - that's they're a normal high school. It's a heartbreaking moment.
Wait, I though they couldn't see the stars?
Aww, "his dad could care less" ? I thought that was a really meaningful line. His dad honestly doesn't show any concern for his son? Maybe it's just a facade, but still ... :(
OK, finished. I honestly can't say how much I like this. It's fantastic. You're tone is consistent, it's real, it's ... just great. Ach, I don't know what to say ... think I exhausted my thoughts writing this ... although for review trades, my reviews are usually about this long!
I can feel that Lucas is trying not to be dragged down by his bad mood and struggles. I admire him for that. Chaz isn't trying so hard to be positive, but he's younger, so it's understandable. Mostly, I really admire his mother. She knows she has to keep the household running and she's doing the best she can. I love that.
Oh, and I don't know if you know I'm from the Campfire? I'd love it if you could review Boys Bantam for me. I'll definitely be reviewing more of this later, since it's fab, and I really hope we can make this a review trade for real :)
Cant wait to see what happen next!
Cheers,
Your #1 fan, Cap
1echogirlcapri"Welcome to the New Age" sounds like that Imagine Dragons song. Or maybe it's just me :P
Anyways, so I once heard that no one knows what WW3 would be fought with, butt WW4 would be fought with sticks and stones. So I thought this sounded pretty interesting from the start.
I'm actually going to start reading now. I promise.
I love the first paragraph. How it uses all the senses. It sounds - dare I say it? - like a professional novel's beginning. Almost like that Fahrenheit 451 book we read a few years back. It...incredible, really! Nice job.
[ without any other way to communicate; Lucas could tell the makeshift government they were building wasn't going to last long ] comma instead of semicolon, I think.
[ still standing cities ] should be hyphenated: "still-standing cities"
[ blow-up ] I believe you mean "blown-up" but yeah, my spellcheck just changed that too :P
[ mutant ] I don't know much about mutants (although truth to be told I am a mutant) but I think this word should be "mutate" since it's a verb. Yes?
Random question: did you make the cover for this? It's cute :) and better than I could have done (I used an app for mine, so I cheated).
[ had to make due ] I almost missed this, but it's actually "make do" :D
[ "-was estimated that seventy five million people died during the course of World War II-" ] is this his mom speaking? She's the next person mentioned, so I thought it must be her. Oh, and did you mean WW3? I'm not sure...
[ Lucas's dad scared him, he didn't know what had overcome the kind, gentle-hearted person that he had once knew ] two things, because I'm a grammar Nazi: 1) I think it needs to be a semicolon or a dash or a period there instead of a comma, since there are two independent clauses. 2) I'm pretty sure it should be "he had once known"
It's cute how he meets Panda, and that's an adorable name :) I think Lucas is a pretty nice guy - and he doesn't really have much choice, does he?
I like how they play football scrimmages against each other. It highlights how much they're struggling to have a normal school life. I really, really like that. They just want to be high schoolers, even though this terrible war has happened, and they're doing their best to keep pushing onward. It's a great sense that you've created here.
Haha, the girls like Lucas :)
Lucas is a great guy to help Panda! I'm really liking him so far, it's just really sweet that he wants to talk to Panda about his "home" life and ... just aww!
I really feel for Panda. He doesn't want to lean on anyone. He wants to be able to survive on his own, but I think when he says "why does graduating matter anymore?" he really shatters the fragile delusion the school is creating, that Lucas really wants to believe in - that's they're a normal high school. It's a heartbreaking moment.
Wait, I though they couldn't see the stars?
Aww, "his dad could care less" ? I thought that was a really meaningful line. His dad honestly doesn't show any concern for his son? Maybe it's just a facade, but still ... :(
OK, finished. I honestly can't say how much I like this. It's fantastic. You're tone is consistent, it's real, it's ... just great. Ach, I don't know what to say ... think I exhausted my thoughts writing this ... although for review trades, my reviews are usually about this long!
I can feel that Lucas is trying not to be dragged down by his bad mood and struggles. I admire him for that. Chaz isn't trying so hard to be positive, but he's younger, so it's understandable. Mostly, I really admire his mother. She knows she has to keep the household running and she's doing the best she can. I love that.
Oh, and I don't know if you know I'm from the Campfire? I'd love it if you could review Boys Bantam for me. I'll definitely be reviewing more of this later, since it's fab, and I really hope we can make this a review trade for real :)
Cant wait to see what happen next!
Cheers,
Your #1 fan, Cap
8/24/2014 c14 Guest
This story is great so far! Definitely can't wait 'til the next chapter.
This story is great so far! Definitely can't wait 'til the next chapter.
7/7/2014 c1 RandomReader
OH MY GOSH.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST SCI-FI STORIES IVE EVER READ ON FICTIONPRESS.
I only discovered your story today and I've only read the first chapter, but it's already so amazing I can't put it down.
I read your bio, by the way.(Imagine Dragons is my absolute most favorite band. Ever. Monster and Nothing Left To Say/Rocks are my favorite songs though.)
Anywho, I hope you'll continue writing Welcome To The New Age.
It's really inspiring when a fellow author creates something AWESOME.
-RandomReader
OH MY GOSH.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST SCI-FI STORIES IVE EVER READ ON FICTIONPRESS.
I only discovered your story today and I've only read the first chapter, but it's already so amazing I can't put it down.
I read your bio, by the way.(Imagine Dragons is my absolute most favorite band. Ever. Monster and Nothing Left To Say/Rocks are my favorite songs though.)
Anywho, I hope you'll continue writing Welcome To The New Age.
It's really inspiring when a fellow author creates something AWESOME.
-RandomReader