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8/13/2015 c18 Guest
Kate this is such an amazingly cool story! It should be a movie
8/13/2015 c1 linda.is.a.human
Your story is awesome!
You are such a good writer :)
8/13/2015 c1 creepystalkerfan
Finchie I'm not teasing you it's actually pretty cool
9/16/2014 c14 8MetricRainbowZebra
I love how Melissa looks up to lumina as like a figure of strength. And how she's like 'yeah lumina wouldn't let this get to her why should I'
8/20/2014 c3 13alltheeagles
Oh, this is a short chapter! Haha, the observation about the Principal’s office is spot on, and it also gives us a clearer picture of the kind of person the principal might be, ie maybe he doesn’t really care about the kids as much as he should? I like the touches of humour you inject into the story through Melissa’s reactions. It helps to lighten the overall mood of the story so that it isn’t all gloom and doom. Finally, I suggest ‘the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree’ or ‘like father like daughter’ instead of ‘parents rub off on their children’. Just because I think that’s something that a teacher would say...
8/18/2014 c2 alltheeagles
I like how you have more ‘showing’ in this chapter, ie you show that Melissa is no pushover, and that she’s kind of obsessed over Lumina with her constant ‘what would Lumina do’ questions. It’s a little creepy, but hey, I can take a lot of creepiness so that’s no problem. The other example is how you’re dropping hints about Lumina’s true nature (which I think I can guess at, but I’m keeping it to myself for now) through her physical appearance. For that matter, I was proven wrong by her sudden heroic appearance because for a while I thought Lumina might be an imaginary friend!
You have some missing apostrophes like CAN’T and THAT’S. Maybe it’s FP – it sometimes swallows up text for some reason. Anyway, if you feel like checking out my stuff, come give Haunting the Forgotten a try! :D
8/18/2014 c1 alltheeagles
For the RF EF

I like the way you kind of tricked the reader with the opening scene and it was actually a dream? Or a memory, maybe. And actually the girl was in class daydreaming. I’m not sure why the phrase ‘brown haired girl’ and its variations is used so many times, though. Isn’t the brown-haired girl just Ignis/Lumi? I also like the sweet friendship between the girls – brings back happy childhood memories (although they’re not really kids, are they?). The depiction of the bullying is also pretty realistic, so we understand that Melissa is a lonely girl. On the CC side, I’d say that the writing is a tad heavy on the telling in this chapter, as opposed to showing. Not that it’s bad to have ‘telling’ passages, but the showing kind of writing is usually more fun to read than the other kind.
Unfortunately I haven’t read the first version of chp 1 so I can’t tell you if this one’s better, but it’s pretty good. It made me want to read more to find out Lumina’s secret, so good job there!
8/15/2014 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
I liked the opening - your descriptions there were nice, very vivid and definitely gave me a taste for the setting, as well as providing the scene with a nostalgic, tender atmosphere. I think some of the writing could have been just a teensy bit tighter there, especially the way you were introducing the girl, but it's just little technicalities, and I think you have a good hand at writing settings (and the tightening of writing just comes with more practice and lots of reading, so it's something you improve naturally over time anyway).

I liked how you introduced that little plot twist in there - the girl being turned out of her little fantasy setting, and thrust back into the reality of her classroom. That was clever, because I didn't see it coming, and I think it made the reality of her life so much more dramatic.
8/15/2014 c1 deadaccount2019
.Hi there from the RG! :) Just before I get started, wanted to say that my reviews can get pretty critical, however I wouldn't be reviewing or reading if I didn't enjoy some part of it. Hope this is helpful.

The overall writing does need some work. The goal of your story's perspective appears to be limited-third, which works great for establishing a more personalized focus and allows more attention to other elements of the story, but during the dream sequence the perspective seems to shift between limited- and omni-third perspective, which made it difficult to follow what was happening.

Your sentence structures read very smoothly most of the time (about the only one that really needed work was when Melissa and the man both come around the corners). You vary the length, structure and subjects/actions very well so that there isn't a droning or unfulfilled sense while reading.

The setting could use more work in the class and hall scenes. The dream sequence was very vivid and reminded me a lot of my grandmother's neighborhood growing up, but the class and hall received virtually no detail, which causes the reader to fall into generic imagery. You don't need a lot; just sprinkle a detail here and there (is the hand clammy because the A/C is on on a humid day? etc) to help give it a little more atmosphere.
8/12/2014 c1 90Timbo Slice
The story certainly starts off rather touching with a tender moment between friends that did a good job of conveying their innocence as children and I can appreciate the (minor) characterization of Melissa being the loner whose only friend is someone I suspect doesn't exist or is an alien or something and the way she finally stood up to the bullies was cute.

The writing itself was pretty bare bones as there were no real descriptive transitions to make the story flow, it was more like plodding forward trying to get the reader from point A to point B without a constant prose. This may be more on the technical side of writing but your story can suffer from lack of a descriptive voice that only comes from SHOWING what the character is feeling through her eyes rather than TELLING us as the author, not to mention several misplaced words (autocorrect I'm assuming?) and grammatical errors that can easily be remedied through careful proof reading.
8/5/2014 c6 12 Turtles
Black-robed killers? Very scary! And I kept wanting to scream at Melissa "JUMP!" when she was just watching them come closer.
And I love the contrast between Lumina and Melissa. Lumina seems like she is much more calm in an emergency.
Toward the top of the chapter, when you say, "She seemed to be having some huge mental argument with herself," that's a good thing to show by describing Lumina's face and body language.
Also, maybe use short sentences between when the attackers arrive and Melissa jumps to create more tension.
Great job so far!
8/5/2014 c5 2 Turtles
Ooh, there's a lot of drama and mystery! It's very suspenseful. I like the setting! :)
One thing maybe to add is what the principle is doing at this time. Is he alert? Does he know what's happening? Lumina probably wouldn't want him too see what's in the trapdoor, right?
Goooood job!
8/5/2014 c4 2 Turtles
Great job! The dialogue is realistic and I love the description of the principle in the sixth to last paragraph. Also, Lumina, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (Sorry, had to get that out). Also, I like how Blausage sounds like sausage...:) It makes a good picture of him, though I don't know if you meant that.
One suggestion is to maybe include more information on movement in between the pieces of dialogue and generally, try to use the word "said" instead of different synonyms. It'll focus the attention on the dialogue more.
Awesome work!
7/26/2014 c3 2 Turtles
Ooh! Mystery! Can't wait to see what happens!
7/26/2014 c2 2 Turtles
It very good! There's hardly any grammatical/spelling mistakes and the writing is very smooth.
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