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8/21/2014 c6 L. F. Bartley
Here we go! Finally some action!

If eyelashes were something I admired in a girl, I wouldn't say they were similar to a horse's. That killed the moe moe.

Fattest crush...not the best words.

You need to proofread and edit. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but it needs to be done.

This is just a personal side note, but try using a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter. It will make the reader want to read on.
8/20/2014 c13 2S. D. Forogar
I have some Good and some Bad, as always!

The GOOD: As in most of my reviews, I can continue to see this story's character development as its strongest point of note. The way each character interacts, and their own distinct personalities, truly make the piece as a whole stand out. As well, I would like to note that the plot (despite being SLIGHTLY generic) is powerful enough to gri an audience, and I'm glad that it hasn't thus far 'fallen apart' through continuing to read this story. In fact, I'm even more invested in this aspect of the piece than I was since my last review!

The BAD: As for for Chapters 12 and 13, I find that they're rather 'sub-par' at the basest level of writing, as compared to the rest of the piece. It seems amateurish, and blatant mistakes in writing (such as run-on sentences and improper placement of commas) are common. These points I can normally overlook, unless there comes a time when they distract heavily from the story. This is, unfortunately, one of those cases.

I was confused, at first, with the detail-work. In areas it's quite adequate, in others even vivid, but then there are points in these Chapters where I feel like the story 'left me behind,' so to speak, or just generally didn't provide me enough information (such as the chase after Gabriel, where the trio is on foot).

The flow is a bit jumpy, as compared to all previous Chapters. A good example is during Darren's 'nap' on the bench outside, whereby there's no pause or page break, or any other form alike that would normally indicate any 'blank' passage of time. The aforementioned chase scene is also a fine example of this, as well, since it seems like the group reaches their destination in less time than it would take an audience to really get a sense of what's actually going on.

All in all, I still enjoyed reading these Chapters, but that may in part stem from my previous liking of the story in general. I'd recommend the author revisit her / his more recent Ch-12 and Ch-13, and revise any portion that might seem weak or ineffective.

So, in conclusion, I was mildly disappointed in the sloppy additions to this piece, and though I continued to enjoy aspects of the story simply through their effective, raw power, I can't give an honest review without mentioning my dislike of Ch-12 and Ch-13.

As a NOTE: I'm quite pleased with the additional work placed into revision of all previous chapters, and so this review does not stand as a definite, set-in-stone piece. If these issues are corrected, I'll have no issue in retracting my comments, as obviously my prior reviews stand out-dated in a few ways already. I still look forward to following this story, and I'd recommend any Readers to do the same!
8/20/2014 c5 L. F. Bartley
Okay, same advice as before. You need to proofread and edit. However, by this chapter, I had hoped that you would be getting into the main story line. Where's the conflict? Where's the drama? Where's the random explosion that makes everyone go "Who did that?"

Personal Notes:

These chapters tend to be very short. I think most of them are less than 2000 words long. You can combine two chapters into one so that the readers get into the main story line quickly in their minds. This dialogue, while amusing, is becoming boring.
8/20/2014 c4 L. F. Bartley
Again, reread your story and polish it. Some words are missing and some things could be written a little differently. For instance:

"It was like Leo was a black sheep and my training got us bleach." This sentence doesn't make sense. It would make more sense if you said, "It was as if Leo's existence was a stain on the family name and my training as a priest was supposed to bleach it out."

I personally like how you described the MIs. If they were given physical forms IRL, I could imagine that they would look like that.
8/18/2014 c3 L. F. Bartley
I can find no fault here. The story is smooth, it progresses enough to make me want to read the next chapter, and IT'S INTERESTING! You've planted the hook and I'm on the line. That's what you needed to do in the first two chapters. No offense to your writing, because I understand that some important story details need to be laid out at the beginning, but a publisher will only read the first five pages of a story before getting bored, so you gotta hook your audience early. Can't wait to see what happens next!
8/18/2014 c2 L. F. Bartley
In comparison to the first chapter, this one is much more well written. It flows very smoothly and I find it easy to follow. I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you struggle with beginnings? I ask because I struggle with them.

As before, I suggest you go through here at least once or twice more and polish your story. That's just the perfectionist in me, I guess, but I don't think a story is complete until the writer can honestly do no more with it.

Great ending except that sweetheart comment. Sorry, but no straight guy would say that. :P
8/18/2014 c6 JWT
First off, I really like the concept of this story - you've got a fun set up anyway with a bunch of youngsters in a van conning people, but with this awesome supernatural twist, and despite the fact that they're doing good you've still got that gritty criminal feel. The beginning was great - straight in with the action, and rather violent action which drags the reader in straight away. The narrative voice is always in character and I like the tongue-in-cheek tough-guy humour of it.
I also enjoy all the "Amen" and "Thank the Lord"s that you use, considering their situation. It's such a simple but clever way of conveying personality.

I did notice some grammar thing as I was reading:

"The rest of us piled out, black clothes in hands, I was feeling a little dazed." - That last comma should be a full stop, or if you want to keep the dazed bit in the same sentance you'd have to rework it a bit.

"... stolen priest's uniforms..." - Because the uniforms are generic uniforms of any priest, rather than all belonging to one specific priest, I think this should be treated as "uniforms of the priests" rather than "uniform of the priest", so the appostrophe would come after the s to make it a possessive plural - "preists' ".

"... and alternated stretching between legs." - I wasn't entirely sure of exactly what you meant in this sentance so you might want to reword it. Unless I'm just being an idiot, which is entirely possible.

"...Priest's shirt..." - Same thing with the apostrophe. Also you have been inconsistant about using a capitol or lower case P for Priest, so that's something to watch out for - I do this sort of thing all the time.

I really liked the little bit of background with Kara and how they found her. I would like to hear a bit more detail about it, but later (maybe you do that). As an interjection into this scene it has the perfect length, tone and level of detail and is very nicely placed within the action.

"...Leo wouldn't like this the most out of the three of them, no doubt..." - I found the phrasing of this a bit odd, so thought I should point it out, but there isn't anything wrong with it at all if that wording suits Darren, and of course you know him better than I do.

I liked Darren's little fantasy about the fuzzy-slippered old lady. I also found the description of the house amusing. The humour you use fits so perfectly with the narration.

"I'm deciding that I like her" - If you intended this to be a direct thought, perhaps you should put in in italics or something, otherwise it could look like you have slipped into a different tense by mistake.

There are a few instances where you use commas of full stops after speech when the other would be better. For example, "..."Thank God you're here." She said nervously..."
Remember that if whatever comes after the speech sould ultimately be replaced with "said", then it's a comma; if not, it's a full stop.

"...as nice as the rest of the house, this room..."
"...for the exorcism, I made sure..." - Comma splices.

I enjoyed the "salt gag" you have running through this chapter.

"Then, there was a hell of a lot...Then, the real work started." - One of these sentances could be worded a bit differently, just to avoid using two "Then" sentances starts so close together.

So far I think the pacing is fine. You have fitted in quite a lot of detail about the characters, setting and situation already but it doesn't feel too rushed or crammed in or anything. I definitely don't think it's too slow.

Sorry it's taken a while to do this review and I look forward to doing the rest - I'm excited to see where this plot is going! Happy writing to you :)
8/17/2014 c1 L. F. Bartley
The story is very interesting. I'm intrigued and can't wait to see what happens in Chapter 2. Your vocabulary is excellent and it reflects your intellect. That being said, it doesn't really look like you've polished this too much. You should read your own work every so often so that you can make it better.

There are some long sentences here that are easy to get lost in. I had to go back and reread some of them more than once. Consider breaking them into shorter sentences.

Also, the language in this first chapter isn't smooth. "Cars swished over a darkened bridge, the raindrops coming down in soft sheets that pattered on the black skin of the man's umbrella that was balanced on one shoulder." That last part could be taken out. It's irrelevant to the story. Also, who's umbrella? At first I thought it was the narrator's. Need to make that clear at the beginning that you're talking about a different person.

Lastly, the ED joke? Didn't get that. Might want to scratch that.

Like I said, I just think it needs a good polishing. It's very well written. You should be proud of this story.
8/8/2014 c11 3She Doesn't Row
This was a really interesting chapter. I was curious about the world they live in now and what had happened in its history. The whole concept of being post-rapture is intriguing, as well as society's refusal to advance because they think God likes them the way they are now. I think that's a good way to have the setting to similar to our time - ie. camper vans instead of hover crafts. I also really like Darren and Leo's relationship, it's really nice and brotherly, and you write it well!

I noticed this chapter had a lot more typos and strangely-worded sentences than normal for you, so I'll just quickly jot down the ones I noticed:

- "arguements" in the first paragraph.
- "Leo made talking about complications in his projecting was just about as comfortable as discussing hemorrhoids . . ." Cut out "was".
- "I told them we'd be there in pretty soon." Cut out "in".
- The sentence "If we ever were caught, I would probably be jailed for a few years…" uses "but" twice, so I'd change one of those.
- "He seemed troubled by the little wrinkle that was forming between his eyebrows." Unless Leo is worried about a wrinkle, this sentence could do with restructuring, or maybe "judging by the little wrinkle".
- "... it's been tougher than a normal life on the road" could be reworded. Maybe "it's been tougher on the road than a normal life"?
- "Any I realized…" should be "And".
- "I didn’t want to go back inside without him, so I’ll just wait." Change in tense here.

Also, Darren's dismissal of Leo when Leo says he doesn't feel too good seemed off, since earlier he had spoken to him about how he thinks his soul has been wounded, which would seem like a major deal to me. Other than these little tidbits, this was another cool chapter, and you did have some really great phrases in here, so nice work! And that last paragraph was lovely. :)
8/8/2014 c10 She Doesn't Row
I like how you went about this chapter. During the dream sequence, I think the writing style and descriptive words you chose to portray it were really good at conveying the confusion and bewilderment Darren was going through. The purposeful lack of punctuation was cleverly used! At first I wondered if Ciel was some kind of demon who had an effect on Darren, but all was answered when he woke up, haha. I had also forgotten about Ciel and was wondering where the story was going to be heading, so I think you chose a good time to bring him up again, now that we know the characters and their pasts! I noted that a few times your tenses got a bit mixed up, like the sentence "The angles in the store shift" instead of "shifted". I can see why you might want to use present tense in the confusion of the dream, but it was a bit inconsistent, as most sentences were past tense and then some were present tense and then back again. Not sure if that's what you were going for, and on second thought I suppose it adds further to the disorientation of the scene, but just letting you know! And good old Gabe at the end, the keeper of the sleep! :)
8/6/2014 c8 She Doesn't Row
Another great chapter! Gabriel's old house was creepy and had an eerie feel to it, and your descriptions were on point. It was also really interesting learning a bit about witches, which adds to the feel of the world you've created, but also learning about Gabriel's past. I feel bad for him having to live with someone like his mother, and the part when he tells Darren the people are already dead, that's why the voodoo doll's eyes are closed, was probably my favourite part of the chapter. I think it basically summed up Gabriel's resistance of going into the house in the first place, as well as the sadness of child-Gabriel growing up and being exposed to horrible magic deeds. I think this chapter has given us a great insight into his character, so I look forward to keep reading more. Nice work! :)
8/6/2014 c6 She Doesn't Row
So far I like all the characters, and I like how you didn't introduce them all and their backgrounds in one go, but rather took your time with it. I think the group has an interesting dynamic going on! I really liked your description of the lady's house in this chapter, too - and Darren's commentary over it and the woman. "I'm deciding that I like her." The joke about the potato chip potential and the salt was great, and all in all this was a very entertaining chapter! :)
8/6/2014 c4 She Doesn't Row
This whole idea of "fake exorcisms" is really cool, and I absolutely love the concept of mental illnesses actually being demons inside the mind. It's brilliant! And the way you described them, particularly Depression, was really well done. The narration is also great, I think you utilize the first person POV really well, and it's really interesting learning about Darren's past with the church! Onward to read more. :)
8/3/2014 c12 JaveHarron
Okay, been a while since the story was updated before this, but I assumed you've gone back over the previous chapters. The father coming into things was largely unexpected, but given what we've seen of the family life so far, it wasn't a healthy one. Looking forward to how things unfold.
7/31/2014 c3 She Doesn't Row
Hi! I think your story is well written so far, it flows easily and your characters (mainly Darren at this point) have been developed quite well and quickly, which is great! Darren is an entertaining protagonist, and I'm really interested to keep reading more about him and the astral projectors - by the way, this whole concept is really refreshing, I've read too few stories involving astral projectors! (Too few involving, one author's works and the movie Insidious, haha.) But the whole idea of astral projecting is really interesting, so I can't wait to read more of this story! :)

P.S. The line "smug shit-eating sibling smirk" is brilliant, and so true!
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