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6/30/2014 c3 3DeviouslyDifferent
You're very talented at description. Did you know that? The world seems very real as do your characters thus far. That being said I'm a little confused. Is this supposed to be post-apocalypse? I believe that's what your synopsis said. If so, why is the a Dairy Queen and gas stations? Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't go to work of I didn't have to. And if these guys do fake exorcisms for money does that mean demons don't exist in your story? Because you do mention them.
6/30/2014 c2 DeviouslyDifferent
I adore the petulant nature of your character. It reminds me of Dean from supernatural. It's both good and bad. Good because I like supernatural. Bad because familiar characters in a similar world makes it appear like you're making an unoriginal story. Perhaps changing some of his mannerisms or giving him bigger motivations than surviving and performing fake exorcism. Pretty sure Dean does that or something similar. It's well written though.
6/30/2014 c1 DeviouslyDifferent
Bright start. I love when a book starts in the middle of things (I know the proper term but can't spell worth a damn). Your main character is mildly interesting which is a great thing for a first chapter. Most characters are dull as f**k in the first few chapters so bravo. There were some minor issues I found. First, I thought Ceil was your main characters brother for the first little while. Might have been just me missing something though. Also you used a swear word and it just felt awkward using "assshole" instead of "ass." I'm guessing you don't swear much hahaha. But those are just me nitpicking since generally your story is solid and interesting.
6/21/2014 c12 649Jave Harron
Been rereading lately, and noticed some improvements in the writing. The scenes are much more vivid this go, and the dialogue seems stronger. That said, looking forward to more.
6/20/2014 c11 2N.D.Iverson
I love conspiracies! I'm glad you cleared up the time frame thing, I had been wondering about that since the chapter that Darren had the memory of writing 3/33/333 as a date. I like that you can really tell the difference in who is the narrator. Darren is a lot more mature and together, while Leon is kind of mentally immature and a lot more optimistic. Usually when people do a POV change, the characters kind of blend together, but not in your story. Very well done.
6/20/2014 c10 N.D.Iverson
I love the laundromouth pun! So I noticed some more monster sized sentences in this chapter. I like that Leo sort of acknowledges all the work Darren puts in, even though he isn't an 'astro-projectionist' like the rest of them. Please don't take offense to this, but I think I like the story better when it is in Darren's POV.
6/20/2014 c9 N.D.Iverson
That's kind of a cool power Leo has there, being able to manipulate dreams like that. He could go either way with that power, down a path of evil or a path of good. I hope he stays on the good side. I found myself slightly confused in the middle, when the dream turned into memories. It was kind of hard to follow as a reader. Maybe just smooth it out a little.
6/20/2014 c8 N.D.Iverson
You mention that Gabe restrains himself at night, but in the early chapter (I think it was chapter 3?) when Darren woke them all up in the camper, there was no mention of restraints. In fact, I think I remember Gabe having his tattooed arm slung over his head (but maybe I am remembering wrong...). This was a very emotional chapter, with both Gabe and Darren facing their family that was less than ideal. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but was having their home town in Kansas an homage to Supernatural? Just because Sam and Dean are from Kansas too.
6/19/2014 c7 N.D.Iverson
I really like Darren, you have created an amazing character. He is funny at times, caring and just a nice guy. Wish there were more of his type in real life :P The fake exorcism was a great scene, it's just unfortunate that we don't get to see what's going on but that's the point. Darren is upset that he can't be of more use and it weighs on him. I loved this chapter! It was such a great character developing part.
6/19/2014 c6 N.D.Iverson
You tend to capitalize certain words that, in my opinion, don't need to be; like the word business in this chapter. Haha she made him vegetable soup? Not sure if that was a pea soup, exorcist reference or not... I noticed a random 's' at the end of a sentence, probably just an editing mishap (I have lots of those). "Are you sure, I could stay and watch" she met my eyes pleading- should the could be changed to a couldn't? This is a very interesting group of people you have here, which is a great pull for your story (not that it needs it, your story is awesome).
6/19/2014 c5 N.D.Iverson
Salt, devil traps, traveling the country solving problems for people, kind of reminds me of the show Supernatural :P But I love that show (the old seasons anyways) and any other fans will love this story just as much. I love that you show just how important Leo is to Darren, it's a really realistic dynamic relationship. I also feel bad for Leo, having his own father treat him that way.
6/19/2014 c4 N.D.Iverson
Wow, I was excited for the explanation of their fake exorcism's and you did not disappoint! I like that they are actually doing good rather than purely faking it, by curing the mental illnesses that the church are ignorant to. I loved the physical descriptions of the manifestations that go with each type of illness. I did notice a few errors. The word Tatted at the beginning should be tattooed (I think?) And you capitalized elementary, which isn't necessary.
6/19/2014 c3 N.D.Iverson
I am really curious as to how they pull off these fake exorcism's. I also find myself feeling bad for these astro-projectors, I can't imagine how awful it would be to be tossed into the dreams and nightmares of others! It's clear Darren is in a way their leader and he seems like a good one. Again I noticed some long sentences that could use some breaking up but not many errors.
6/19/2014 c2 N.D.Iverson
Again, another great, descriptive chapter. There's not too much going on in this chapter but I feel that it was done well. You revealed that Darren's group is wanted in a very original and cool way. One thing though, I feel brackets aren't necessary in first person because you are already in the head of the narrator, comas would work better. But that is the only issue I spotted, you are very good at editing. I'm jealous :)
6/19/2014 c1 N.D.Iverson
Wow, this is very well written! Your description is amazing, color me impressed. I only noticed a few errors, like not capitalizing Church in a couple places when you have capitalized it in other spots. Also, I noticed some monster sized sentences. They're not incorrect per say, but maybe just break up a few because it makes it easier on the reader. I am very intrigued by the premise of your story, for a second I thought Darren was a demon but you went in a very fresh direction so kudos!
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