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8/20/2014 c3 Knavethefish
I enjoyed your story very much. Your character is fine, and your setting is a bit sad for no reason I can see, but otherwise your story was fun. I very much liked the conflict with the Tier 4 demon. The fight itself had a nice feeling of flow to it. My biggest issue is that you have too much detail. You left very little to the imagination, and that can be bad in some cases. When you described the Heroes of the Heart, it felt clumsy when you crammed as many adjectives in as you could. Try being a bit more vague and let the characters become individuals through their own words and actions.
7/5/2014 c3 2Demon Writer Guy
Fist things first, there's a typo in chapter 3:
"Are we ready for this, skar? I call out with a tinge of caution in my voice." The speech mark should be at the end of the question mark.

So far I like the story. The scarf idea is really cool and I like the mixture between magic and technology as well (though I feel like that the charon app needs some explanation) However, most of chapter 3, the MMO specifically feels very unnecessary, and almost like a different story altogether. I also feel like the MMO was too realistic, other than the start screen there was nothing to tell it apart from reality.

The writing is great. The descriptions of the monster and Ishmeal are creative and detailed, and the things like 'drip drop' add the the story's atmosphere. Other than the one I already pointed out I didn't encounter any typos in your writing.

So overall, I like it so far. It has a unique premise and I'll continue to read more of it as you update.
6/10/2014 c3 JaveHarron
Okay, here's my second review of what I've seen so far. I've still noticed a few grammatical errors and the like, but dialogue still sounds fairly awkward and stilted. There's still the videogame scene I don't see the point of, as it seems to add little thematically to the story at all. Besides, what kind of raid goes directly to the boss instead of a stronghold of minions first? Other than that, your description of the sword reminded me of a Chinese dao, a nice chopping saber. While the blade you describe seems somewhat thinner, it's still a good hack and slash style blade. I still like the scarf bit, though.
6/9/2014 c3 3DeviouslyDifferent
So this chapter was different. It didn't seem to fit in with the rest of your story at all. The pace was hurried and seemed like you just rushed to finish the chapter rather than just writing for yourself. I understand the toll that placing a deadline on yourself can have but its really noticable in this chapter. The online characters are introduced in a rush that leaves a reader with far to much information at once and the entire chapter feels unnecessary. If the entire point was to introduce Skarlet then you could have gotten rid of most of the chapter. It just makes the story feels disjointed.

Its still a well written fight scene and your description is very strong but you messed up a couple of dialogue quotes which is just nit-picking and simple editing. The only real problem I'm having with the story as a whole is how one dimensional your main character seems. Its like you haven't fully thought through who he is. It is completely understandable that a character isn't fully developed this early into a story but you may wish to put a lot of thought into exactly who your character is and why he does what he does. Is he a pacifist? Passive - aggressive? Caring? Where is his family? Do they know he smokes? Does he hate jocks? Or nerds? Has he had lots of crushes? Or only one? There are lots of things that make a character. Try to make yours as well rounded as possible and your readers will appreciate it. Just continue introducing him in the same way you have (avoiding the massive info dumps that scream mary-sue) and you will have a great story in no time.
6/9/2014 c2 DeviouslyDifferent
It was an exciting chapter and good amount of detail. There were a few places where you lost that detail and it got slightly muddled. In particular, where he wraps the scarf around the creatures neck I'm not positive what happens. Does he flip around the creatures neck? Or does he run around the creature? Or is he just spinning in place?

Outside of that it's an excellent chapter with a good flow and a good creature. The demon is an interesting combo of everyone's kind of fears that make for a good beast.
6/9/2014 c1 DeviouslyDifferent
I like the writing style. The dripping rain gives an ominous feeling to your story and it flows smoothly. I noticed you really like commas, and though there were only a couple of actual comma splice errors you could eliminate a whole lot of commas be rewording your sentences. That's more of a personal thing though. The only actual question I have is why did he pick up the one cigarette butt but not the other?
5/27/2014 c3 JaveHarron
Okay, a few issues here. While I enjoy the idea of tech magic hybrids, especially the cell phone from the previous chapter, the line between computer game and reality was thinner here. While that may have been what you were going for, it just came across as lazy formatting. Here I was hoping for a "Shadow Out of Innsmouth" kind of story, but hey, that's just me. The scarf is a neat idea, though.
5/27/2014 c3 2N.D.Iverson
So I must say I really loved that the red scarf is "magic" so to speak. I honestly can say I really have no complaints about your grammar and spelling, you write well. There are a few things I have to mention. The first chapter gives no indication as to what genre the story is in. So if a reader were to pick it up, they would not be able to tell from the first chapter that this story involves demons and magic.
Also (this may just be a personal preference) I don't like it when authors try to emulate monster sounds ex) gwwwwaaaaarrrrr. I feel describing it would work better.
I loved how you pointed out the cliche of Ishmael, I do this in my own writing.
Overall, a good read :)
5/25/2014 c3 FictionWriter12
I really like this story! I would suggest re-reading the end of the first chapter, and middle of the second for any minor grammatical errors. But beyond that, well done in word choice and onomatopoeia usage!
5/14/2014 c2 4Flivelle
Hey, you might as well add a few more 'Drip Drops' before the 'Tick Tock' at the end of the first chapter.

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