Just In
for The Dragon Lady

10/2/2014 c2 Elysha
You write wonderful stories!
5/21/2014 c1 4m. b. whitlock
I really like this. The world you are painting has depth and fascinating, sparkling details. The entrance of the fire fairy guy is wonderful. I think the way Avon is incapable of holding back from approaching him is a very illuminating comment on her character.

I do find Avon to be a really intriguing person. The concept of having a former powerful mage working as a prostitute is great and I can imagine you will find all sorts of exotic twists and turns as you unravel this tale. I am wondering how old Avon is. It seems like her days as a mage existed in an earlier era, generations before the time period of the opening setting. I ameager to find out this and many other mysteries that you have conjured. :)

Cool stuff so far. Here are my notes:

Like the whole opening paragraph, especially this bit:
"Avon, the most expensive pleasure maiden of Madame Espasa's, knew her worth down to the copper and always got the best bid."

I like the way you describe Avon's appearance for the most part, but I don't know about describing her skin as "walnut-colored". It might just be me, but since walnuts have a wrinkly shell and the nut inside is full of crannies and cavities it makes me think Avon's skin might have a similar texture, which I don't think you want. Why not say something like 'her dark, rich skin, the color of mahogany' or something? We usually see mahogany as a beautifully polished, smooth wooden surface. Gem stones or metals would work as well… :)

"And who could have bought out Lord Brakino's night?" is it 'Brakinos' or 'Brakino'? You spell it both ways in this paragraph.

"dressed in a gossamer dress of near-see-thought emerald-green material" 'near see-through' not "see-thought" I think. ;)

Lots of funky, hazy imagery here but I would brake up this super run-on sentence: "Avon would wait behind the silken curtain while smoking her long, thin pipe that added to the heady scent of the room, swinging brass lanterns above let out the sweet incense smell of saffron, and her client would either join her here or call for her to come to them."

"that propagated the room." ? Think you mean 'populated the room', no?

Really like this set-up:
"Perhaps he wanted her to be the aggressor and beg for his company?"

I would change the colon here to a semi-colon:
"Avon do something she'd thought herself incapable of these days*:* she blushed."

"How did he know that name?"
This line is a little confusing because we know her name is Avon so it's really a question of how he knows her earlier title. You might also want to consider having Avon's former name be different from the one she uses now as a prostitute. Many people who work as entertainers or sex workers have 'stage names'. The fire fairy could have heard a description of Avon or he could have been looking for her for decades and had some knowledge that she hadn't perished so he kept his eyes and ears out for clues… ?

"A black robe covered him head to toe with its cowl pulled over a mask that concealed everything but his bright green eyes and his mouth." I like this but it's a little hard to picture. Perhaps give us a few more little details. Are his lips glowing?

Really like this line and the facial description that follows but I would cut the last three words, you don't need them and the language flows better and is more elegant without them I think:
""How does a lowly soldier end up a king? Life is what it is," she said, forcing a demure smile *to her features*."

"So they wore masks and covered themselves when they walked among mortals."

Well I am definitely into this. Fun story so far. I am curious where you will take it next.


5/5/2014 c1 1ThatCrimsonAngel
Hey. This was really good. A couple of grammar mistakes but those are easily fixed. I'm interested in this story, you let enough information through to intrigue, but not to much so it all gets to fast. Thats a hard balance to find. Anyway, you characters are, at least at the moment, well thought out. Avon seemed quite realistic, just be careful not to edge her over into a Mary-Sue. But I'm sure you wouldn't do that. She seems sexy, beautiful and seductive, she seems to have a bad back story full of betrayals. Just make sure that Avon isn't not affected by what had happened. But, I doubt that would happen. She seems slightly bitter when he mentioned so thats good news.

Sorry if my review was long. I just wanted to tell you. Keep on writing.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service