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6/22/2014 c7 10taerkitty
Things look like they're going just peachy for our heroine.
6/22/2014 c8 taerkitty
I like your use of dream sequences.

Bedobear? Really?
6/22/2014 c6 taerkitty
Legos. Sigh. I'm taking this review slog less-and-less seriously.

And a shaped cloud. I'm not sure I can 'review' this anymore. I'm just going to comment on each chapter as I finish it.
6/22/2014 c5 taerkitty
"Like a muffin" doesn't do a whole lot for me.

The genre-awareness also is more a distraction than a plus.

Ditto the Transylvanian reference.

Spaghetti sauce? Really?
6/22/2014 c4 taerkitty
The moral quandary is fine. However, concern that people will march in the street is probably overblown, given the magnitude of her crimes.

Interesting, switching to Rin's POV. And even I her teen mindset, she's a little manipulative and haughty. I like that.

The internal POV is more matching her biological age, though it seems a little more analytical and calm than I would expect a teen to be when suddenly thrust into a situation such as this.

"Eterna doesn't seem like she wants to with her" - unsure what this sentence means.

"I have a pony and a unicorn toy, but those were for use in Rin really shocked me there." Also unsure what that means.

I like the side-by-side aspect of this, where we see Eterna's side and then Rin's.
6/22/2014 c3 taerkitty
Even though it was obvious this was Eterna's nightmare, it worked. There wasn't anything too over-the-top so it *might* have been flashback.
6/22/2014 c2 taerkitty
"…with a frail little girl who heaven knows where she came from …" This is very clumsy. Eterna is facing a mystery, but the text itself shouldn't be a mystery to decipher.

Oh, gods. Not another "magic must rhyme" world.

The fourteen-year-old Rin's reaction reads more like someone half her age.

'"Of course I'm human!" answered the girl…' I loathe using dialog tags other than 'said', 'asked', and 'whispered.' A dialog tag is like the curtain on stage during a play - it's job is to do its job as unobtrusively as possible. Using novel dialog tags such as 'answered' draws unneeded attention to itself.

I like the 'intangible hand' bit, but Rin's comment about "not the musical instrument type of organ" reads like a forced joke. It doesn't fit the mood, doesn't fit the character, doesn't fit the situation. As such, any humour it might have is negated.

"Substitution-teleportation," please stop with the tell-not-showing.

Eterna's communication back to HQ is great. The understatement provides the humour. It fits the situation, it works with the character, and there's no wink-wink-nudge-nudge at the reader. It works.

Great ending.
6/22/2014 c1 taerkitty
Dialog tags are part of the sentence. Action tags are stand-alone sentences, that by their proximity to the dialog, perform the attribution. You capitalize only some of your action tags, and terminate only some of your preceding lines of dialog.

There's tell, there's show, and then there's show-as-tell. Show-as-tell is when it conforms to the general rule of 'showing,' something, but it's actually an info-dump. Stiff, artificial dialog is commonly used for this. The opening is an example.

This can be easily avoided - have her walk through a command center where minions are reporting the dismal state of their defenses, for example.

The first question an author needs to ask with any line of dialog is, "Is this natural? Would the character say this?"

Every part of a story should "earn its keep," but it's important to ensure they don't do so obviously.

The line about splitting into pairs is an example of an improper action tag - the line of dialog is missing the closing period or exclamation point, and the following action tag sentence is not capitalized.

Sometimes you can't help but to tell-not-show. Character appearance and age is one thing. To minimize the impact, ask if each description is needed. We don't really need to know Rin and Eterna's ages.

Props for using something that has always bothered me when I see 'counter-magic' items in fiction: the laws of physics still apply, so accelerated objects still travel even though magical impulse is removed.

"Victory would have been theirs" sentence is extremely convoluted. It all-but-demands the reader stop to unravel the Boolean logic implied in it.

It would be nice if the castle's innate magic was earlier hinted at or shown.

"The Arachrafts, for example" for example draws attention to the narration and narrator. It can be excised. In fact, it should be.

"Downsized" isn't a good word here. It generally has connotations of layoffs, of multiple people being put out of work.

Good opening. We start with strong characters, go to action, then end with the question as a hook.
6/22/2014 c3 1sugar honey iced tea
I have to say, out of the three chapters I've read so far, I enjoyed this the least. When you stay the story 'didn't advance much', it didn't advance at all. If this were an anime series, this would possibly be showed at the end of an episode for a fun, light-hearted way to finish it off, perhaps.

Where's the plot gone? Out the window?

This wasn't a nightmare at all. There was no fear, nothing. It felt more like a joke, to be honest. If this was intended to have a comedic aspect to it though, then sure, I can understand why you wrote the chapter this way. Except it wasn't that funny. Even you admitted that the jokes were 'depresssingly bad'. If I were to be skinned alive, I wouldn't say "GAWAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!".

I hope your next chapter proves to be better.
6/22/2014 c53 1Nori-san
Darn those puns and jokes! Haha managed to crack me up a plenty! Finally i did the Foxy and finished reading this piece of work! And darn you cliffhangers! Are you even gonna upd-*looks at summary* SCREW YOU JULY!
6/22/2014 c52 Nori-san
No way! Confusions one after another! And now Rinyaka is finally turning back to her old self! Dammit and so what's happening at the maze with Nick and the body of that girl?! Ahhhhhh the next chapter better answer my doubts!
6/22/2014 c51 Nori-san
Calcio-sama is so badass in his own ways! What a way to fight all those guards dammit so what's going to happen next? The entire capital's surely gonna be in chaos with so many events overlapping one another!
6/22/2014 c50 Nori-san
No, that i don't. Things sure are getting exciting! You're killing me with the suspense!
6/22/2014 c49 Nori-san
The end is nigh and everything seems to be falling apart as chaos surges up! Everyone seems to be ready all except Rin...ahhh i only understand 90% of the story but what the hell! Let's go to the climax!
6/21/2014 c48 Nori-san
Wait, so Fritz wasn't dead?! Ahhh the finale is approaching ahhh I can't take this surprises anymore!
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