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6/23/2015 c1 82Solemn Coyote
First of all, thank you for the review. I'm always a little surprised when someone just stumbles by my profile, but it's always good to know that folks are reading.

Now, with that out of your way, I like your world. It's got sort of a high-fantasy-gone-suburban vibe to it, and the way worship and even the months are organized is cool. It's all kind of info-dumped in this chapter, but the core ideas are great.

I did find one spelling nitpick, with the phrase "He would be successful, there was no bout of that". That should be doubt, although it's not a big deal.

The ending for the prologue is both abrupt and kind of perfect. For a swerve like that, you could probably make the prologue even longer. Really set up Azaar with a history and make him look like he's going to be the main character, then whammo. Crab arm!

There's great potential here, and I look forward to seeing this story develop. I'm sorry I don't have much more to critique, but what there is to read in the prologue is largely great. Keep writing!
8/23/2014 c1 5Author-K-J-Lee
Hey,

Normally I don't do a return review for a one line comment that is neither negative or positive but I guess I'll make an exception.

I liked the mystery of the beginning - knowing he is searching for a place to hide something but not knowing what until the ending of the prologue. It makes it stronger and more dramatic.

- XxCliche-spicexX
7/3/2014 c1 4Veronica Fay
Hey there! I liked this as a prologue. I think it does a good job of introducing the world then it ends with a bang that mAkes me want to continue reading. The description of the Vale was well done and did not go overboard!
6/16/2014 c1 S. Alvette
Last line has me intrigued.

So far, it seems interesting-three seasons is a nice worldbuilding touch, something I haven't seen before.

The extra dots at the end aren't really necessary, just the...
...ones on either end would be fine.

The writing seems a bit wordy. It might just be a style conflict on my part but there's a bunch of places where I feel like things could be trimmed-but that's just my opinion, my style's very minimalistic.

I don't have much to say about the concept from the first chapter, but I would keep reading. And I will.
6/11/2014 c3 2Chiisutofupuru
So much going on within the first few chapters.

Saga's and Edel's relationship confuses me a bit but I hope more details of that could be revealed in flashbacks and what-not eventually. Why would she want to teach him these things in the first place? Why do they spend so much time together? (Don't worry about answering my random questions.)

For some reason I get a little feel of the Sci-fi world when I read that this takes place in desert lands with bug-beings and giant lizards, and then I get a hint of medieval days with the nobilities and Saga's speech even. A very interesting read that throws me all over the place. I might just get onto reading more.

Chiisutofupuru
6/8/2014 c1 1Bryanna
Great opening. Definitely makes me want to read on!
6/8/2014 c4 Anita
When will u update?
6/7/2014 c4 4Nomei Bleu
As a courtesy to your Reviews Returned policy, I have read your story, to the extent that it's posted. Though the premise is very interesting, I can't offer you a completely favorable review.

Objective thoughts:

Editing, especially in Tat'jana's POV needs a second read-through. In the story over-all, there are quite a few missing words along with misspelled words and some of the grammar needs a second glance as well. The POV changes a few times from third person limited to third person omniscient. There are several instances where word tenses change from past to present and there seems to be a few cases of word confusion, such as whether the word lay or laid should be used. I also found the mix of formal and informal dialogue within the same character POV (mainly Saga), to be distracting, though the last one is more subjective.

Subjective thoughts:

I'm afraid I found the brothers sexual innuendo towards his sister disturbing, though it may have been your intention to cause that reaction in your readers. And despite your warning that your characters were not the nicest, I found both MC's to be so unlikeable that it was impossible for me to care about what has or will befall them. So far it has been like reading about the story's villains, though I believe they aren't meant to be.

In Saga's case, the mindset of a class superiority is expected for the story's plotline, but she seems to take a great deal of pleasure in it to the point that I consider her rather cruel. Even with Edel she shows a loathing for his background and her friendship seems to be given grudgingly. Edel himself seems to be an intriguing character though we didn't get much backstory for him. As for Tat'jana, I get the feeling that her upbringing was less than caring and it shows in her rigid, in-your-face demeanor and I find that a good personality trait for her character. However, her brutal lesson to a group of scared children, namely the abuse of a ten year old boy, was unpalatable and then her about face to spending the day with them laughing and carefree was disbelieving.

Final thoughts:

All in all, your protagonists spend the majority of their time looking down on everyone and I can't see how they will ever accomplish their goals (which are unclear as of yet at this point in the story) if they can't cough up one ounce of decency towards anyone but themselves. I would hope, as the story progresses this will change. Your story's world seems quite dark and brutal and the need to create the proper characters is understandable, but if a reader cannot find any real redeeming traits in your protagonists, it would seem to me that it makes the story itself, moot. So, on a scale of 1 to 5, I would rate it at a 2 as I can see it's potential though it may not be my cup of tea.
6/6/2014 c1 2fortiespoet
I'm not usually big on prologues, but this was done really well- it captures attention without being too overdone. There was the right amount of exposition and it seemed natural. Aside from some excessive sentence fragments, the writing is really quite good and made me want to continue reading.

Good luck with this!
6/5/2014 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Well, this was a short prologue, but I like how you pack a lot of world building in here. Language, culture, setting, magic. It's really great. We even get a little character depth, too. Azaar seems like the type of man who is easily blinded by the promise of status. And so it led to his untimely demise.

I wonder what effect opening that portal in the Vale will have. If the Vale is full of magic, what might this creature be able to do with it? o: Hopefully nothing else gets through. A nice opening for this story. I'm glad to have had a chance to read it! :)
6/5/2014 c4 14ReawakenedNightmare
Overall, this is a very interesting story and concept. There are some spelling errors though I'm not sure if that's just the difference between the UK and the US. (Please excuse my ignorance.) Also, some of your wording, especially your dialogue, can be very awkward. But still good job!
6/4/2014 c4 anon
can an atmosphere even be sobered? is that possible
6/4/2014 c3 anon
francis is a Terrible brother
6/4/2014 c2 anon
i like tatjana. shes cool. sagas not very nice
6/4/2014 c1 anon
woo! what killed him?
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