
7/15/2014 c4
29YasuRan
So far, I like how well your characters have been introduced and fleshed out over a few brief chapters. Lula and Hendrik especially come off as well-rounded and three-dimensional, with plenty of room for further growth. The fourth chapter also did a good job of establishing their relationship and making me wonder as to the strength of it and how is it, if at all, going to tested with the implications of future conflicts.
I have no complaints so far, only curiosity to see what else this world you've created holds and how two characters of such humble backgrounds will play a part in the political turmoil hinted at in the summary. The promise of that itself lends a degree of intrigue to the premise, especially concerning what complications future updates might present. Keep it up!

So far, I like how well your characters have been introduced and fleshed out over a few brief chapters. Lula and Hendrik especially come off as well-rounded and three-dimensional, with plenty of room for further growth. The fourth chapter also did a good job of establishing their relationship and making me wonder as to the strength of it and how is it, if at all, going to tested with the implications of future conflicts.
I have no complaints so far, only curiosity to see what else this world you've created holds and how two characters of such humble backgrounds will play a part in the political turmoil hinted at in the summary. The promise of that itself lends a degree of intrigue to the premise, especially concerning what complications future updates might present. Keep it up!
7/13/2014 c4 Hedonistic Opportunist
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, despite the shortness. The prose was very strong and solid, I believe, which is best exemplified by the short but very emotive sentences that really manage to get a lot of points across – like Hendrick’s regret or Esther’s anger. I really liked how you managed to get so much across with so few words – it makes your writing more immediate and more subtle. I also think it makes your writing more readable, since it doesn’t come across as amateurish, and the reader only focuses on what’s happening plot-wise (at least, I did :D).
I enjoyed the whole conversation/confrontation between Esther and Hendrick. What it revealed plot-wise was very interesting, and it also shed more light into Hendrick's motivations: namely, his feeling a connection with this one woman, whom he considers home. While it's sad that he won't be able to treat her the way he did, I do feel that this chapter really managed to make him more sympathetic and human. Even if he didn't treat the other girls like he did Lula, forcing them to abort. I like that though, because it makes him more complicated - it's such contradictions that make characters more fascinating.
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, despite the shortness. The prose was very strong and solid, I believe, which is best exemplified by the short but very emotive sentences that really manage to get a lot of points across – like Hendrick’s regret or Esther’s anger. I really liked how you managed to get so much across with so few words – it makes your writing more immediate and more subtle. I also think it makes your writing more readable, since it doesn’t come across as amateurish, and the reader only focuses on what’s happening plot-wise (at least, I did :D).
I enjoyed the whole conversation/confrontation between Esther and Hendrick. What it revealed plot-wise was very interesting, and it also shed more light into Hendrick's motivations: namely, his feeling a connection with this one woman, whom he considers home. While it's sad that he won't be able to treat her the way he did, I do feel that this chapter really managed to make him more sympathetic and human. Even if he didn't treat the other girls like he did Lula, forcing them to abort. I like that though, because it makes him more complicated - it's such contradictions that make characters more fascinating.
7/10/2014 c2 deltd
Review Game- Easy Fix
The comparison of Wenfel to an old woman was good. Metaphors are always fun to read in any story! Your description of the city was good too. It shows the reader a clear view of the setting.
The rough accents of the characters work really well in this setting. Just reading it gives off a medieval feel to the entire thing! :)
Good job! This is very interesting so far.
Review Game- Easy Fix
The comparison of Wenfel to an old woman was good. Metaphors are always fun to read in any story! Your description of the city was good too. It shows the reader a clear view of the setting.
The rough accents of the characters work really well in this setting. Just reading it gives off a medieval feel to the entire thing! :)
Good job! This is very interesting so far.
7/10/2014 c2
9Infected Beliefs
RG EF
I love your characterization of Wenfel. Or maybe I mean personification. Yeah, personification. Regardless, it paints an easy to imagine image for the mind's eye and I feel very grounded in the scene through which Hendrik passes.
I can't decide whether or not I like Hendrik. If I'm following right then I assume that he "terminated" the baby for the sake of some political figure (Waylon). That make's me not like him. The tongue lashing he gave Waylon makes me like him again though and the donation at the end definitely solidifies that. Grey characters are always the best.
I am having some trouble identifying the time period this is set in. On one hand it feels medieval-esque, or renaissance at the very least, but for some reason I keep imagining it to be colonial period. Or early industrial era. I suppose I shall have to read on to find out.
Happy Writing!
-Infected

RG EF
I love your characterization of Wenfel. Or maybe I mean personification. Yeah, personification. Regardless, it paints an easy to imagine image for the mind's eye and I feel very grounded in the scene through which Hendrik passes.
I can't decide whether or not I like Hendrik. If I'm following right then I assume that he "terminated" the baby for the sake of some political figure (Waylon). That make's me not like him. The tongue lashing he gave Waylon makes me like him again though and the donation at the end definitely solidifies that. Grey characters are always the best.
I am having some trouble identifying the time period this is set in. On one hand it feels medieval-esque, or renaissance at the very least, but for some reason I keep imagining it to be colonial period. Or early industrial era. I suppose I shall have to read on to find out.
Happy Writing!
-Infected
7/9/2014 c2 Hedonistic Opportunist
To be honest, I never really read the summary of this story - I don't find it very appealing so I'm reading this story with little to no idea what's going to happen or what to expect at all. But I think that works for the better, because this chapter was a nice surprise. First things first, I really liked your description of the city - very creative with your approach to likening it to a woman, thus making it even more vivid and memorable. I liked your description of grime and mud coupled with this rather alluring way of how that particular area was *pretty*. At any rate, I just felt that prose was beautiful here - very colourful and alive, without being too much.
I think I fell in love with Hendrick right from the opening (which I loved too, for its vividness and mixture of disgusting description and realistic, tangible details :D). There's just something appealing about a man who's got a bit of a rough, teasing attitude but is later revealed to be far more serious than you'd assume. I liked that he didn't give this Waylon an easy time for having impregnated one of his former mistresses, and I really liked the contempt he expressed for the man. It made him go from being fun-loving to someone with a strong sense of justice.
I also felt that this chapter got very intense towards the end/darker moments. I really felt the gravity of the situation, and can only say that this impressed me :3
Lovely chapter! :D
To be honest, I never really read the summary of this story - I don't find it very appealing so I'm reading this story with little to no idea what's going to happen or what to expect at all. But I think that works for the better, because this chapter was a nice surprise. First things first, I really liked your description of the city - very creative with your approach to likening it to a woman, thus making it even more vivid and memorable. I liked your description of grime and mud coupled with this rather alluring way of how that particular area was *pretty*. At any rate, I just felt that prose was beautiful here - very colourful and alive, without being too much.
I think I fell in love with Hendrick right from the opening (which I loved too, for its vividness and mixture of disgusting description and realistic, tangible details :D). There's just something appealing about a man who's got a bit of a rough, teasing attitude but is later revealed to be far more serious than you'd assume. I liked that he didn't give this Waylon an easy time for having impregnated one of his former mistresses, and I really liked the contempt he expressed for the man. It made him go from being fun-loving to someone with a strong sense of justice.
I also felt that this chapter got very intense towards the end/darker moments. I really felt the gravity of the situation, and can only say that this impressed me :3
Lovely chapter! :D
7/8/2014 c1 Infected Beliefs
Your prose is fucking beautiful! Where have you been? Or where have I been not to have read your work already?
I loved your intro, or loved to hate it I suppose. I was so immersed in how cute this little baby girl was and how sweet she seemed with her mother and then...quite like how the mother felt I suppose...that feeling was wrenched from my grasp and replaced with an eloquently morbid sense of loss. Well done.
I have no idea what this story is going to be about (this would have worked great as a standalone flash fiction piece) but I would read a novel just to get more of your writing style. I was really immersed the whole time. Forgot I was reading unpublished fiction.
Bravo.
Your prose is fucking beautiful! Where have you been? Or where have I been not to have read your work already?
I loved your intro, or loved to hate it I suppose. I was so immersed in how cute this little baby girl was and how sweet she seemed with her mother and then...quite like how the mother felt I suppose...that feeling was wrenched from my grasp and replaced with an eloquently morbid sense of loss. Well done.
I have no idea what this story is going to be about (this would have worked great as a standalone flash fiction piece) but I would read a novel just to get more of your writing style. I was really immersed the whole time. Forgot I was reading unpublished fiction.
Bravo.
7/7/2014 c1
12The Smile Machine
I like the warmth that you convey with your words in the paragraph, but I'd suggest that you distinguish between mother and child more because it confused me a bit when I first read it. Also, "skins touched" should be "skin touched." No need to make it plural.
And then there are the gnarled hands come to ruin everything. I was a bit surprised when the child was taken away, but to me, it just didn't seem as dramatic as it should have. It's only when you come to the mother's internal struggle that you truly start feeling her loss.
For some reason, I didn't understand what had happened until the end, but I like the descriptions you used. My favorite paragraph is the one where the mother tries to reconcile between anger and grief. I've read lots of stories similar to this, however. My suggestion is that if you could foreshadow how this stillbirth is going to affect the mother in the future, that would set this story apart from the rest.

I like the warmth that you convey with your words in the paragraph, but I'd suggest that you distinguish between mother and child more because it confused me a bit when I first read it. Also, "skins touched" should be "skin touched." No need to make it plural.
And then there are the gnarled hands come to ruin everything. I was a bit surprised when the child was taken away, but to me, it just didn't seem as dramatic as it should have. It's only when you come to the mother's internal struggle that you truly start feeling her loss.
For some reason, I didn't understand what had happened until the end, but I like the descriptions you used. My favorite paragraph is the one where the mother tries to reconcile between anger and grief. I've read lots of stories similar to this, however. My suggestion is that if you could foreshadow how this stillbirth is going to affect the mother in the future, that would set this story apart from the rest.
7/6/2014 c3
10Aki1
I like a lot of the descriptions you used in this chapter: 'Esther's voice, thick as honey and raised by the sea' particularly stood out to me, as it evokes two images that don't usually go together.
I also enjoyed the little glimpses into Lula's mind we were given, those that weren't focused on her grief. The part where she wished she were made of wood was interesting, as it's usually the other way around (something inanimate wishing it were alive / 'real') so that's a nice reversal. To a lesser extent, the envy she felt towards the 'buxom' carved ladies and the despair she felt with the scattered clothes and nothing fitting shows a slightly vain side of her. It's not something I'd uphold as a virtue in a person, but it's a good trait to flesh out a character.
(At some point, Lula breaks down and among the things she says is 'they [wouldn't] let me [put] her on the alter' - I'm guessing you meant 'altar'?)
So she's to serve as a wet nurse now, huh? That... just seems to add even more to the tragedy, practicality be damned :( I feel sorry for her.

I like a lot of the descriptions you used in this chapter: 'Esther's voice, thick as honey and raised by the sea' particularly stood out to me, as it evokes two images that don't usually go together.
I also enjoyed the little glimpses into Lula's mind we were given, those that weren't focused on her grief. The part where she wished she were made of wood was interesting, as it's usually the other way around (something inanimate wishing it were alive / 'real') so that's a nice reversal. To a lesser extent, the envy she felt towards the 'buxom' carved ladies and the despair she felt with the scattered clothes and nothing fitting shows a slightly vain side of her. It's not something I'd uphold as a virtue in a person, but it's a good trait to flesh out a character.
(At some point, Lula breaks down and among the things she says is 'they [wouldn't] let me [put] her on the alter' - I'm guessing you meant 'altar'?)
So she's to serve as a wet nurse now, huh? That... just seems to add even more to the tragedy, practicality be damned :( I feel sorry for her.
7/3/2014 c1 Zombiesaurus Rex
Here from the RG.
So, your writing is very lush, very visual and descriptive. I can tell you really took your time developing this first scene. In other instances when I've seen people write like this, the lushness of the prose is almost suffocating, but not here. It's very wonderfully done.
"They were proof. Evidence that said yes, there was a child."
I'm not sure why, but this line in particular struck me.
I'm also seriously impressed by your handling of the subject. The mother's mixture of grief and guilt is particularly moving, and your descriptions of her emotional state do an excellent job of conveying it.
"Something she did had killed her baby, she was sure - her little girl, who had been dancing with such vigor in her belly just a day before. Her child was the only thing she might have ever claimed as hers and hers alone, and she had naively smothered it."
All round, lots of praise for this opening from me.
-Zombiesaurus Rex
Here from the RG.
So, your writing is very lush, very visual and descriptive. I can tell you really took your time developing this first scene. In other instances when I've seen people write like this, the lushness of the prose is almost suffocating, but not here. It's very wonderfully done.
"They were proof. Evidence that said yes, there was a child."
I'm not sure why, but this line in particular struck me.
I'm also seriously impressed by your handling of the subject. The mother's mixture of grief and guilt is particularly moving, and your descriptions of her emotional state do an excellent job of conveying it.
"Something she did had killed her baby, she was sure - her little girl, who had been dancing with such vigor in her belly just a day before. Her child was the only thing she might have ever claimed as hers and hers alone, and she had naively smothered it."
All round, lots of praise for this opening from me.
-Zombiesaurus Rex
7/3/2014 c4
13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
The account of Hendrik’s drunkness is highly amusing. I’m not sure if you’re intentionally aiming for that effect, but I was chuckling. I like quite a few phrases that you used, for example ‘crowded silence’, ‘brain had hidden his feet’, ‘wall-softened’ – these metaphors created new connections in my head. Cool. I like as well your attention to detail, because it hadn’t occurred to me that Lula’s pregnancy would be a liability to her in her, ahem, profession. In fact, I wasn’t paying attention that she was in that profession at all. No wonder the baby daddy didn’t want anything to do with it! Cohesive plotting there.

For the RG EF
The account of Hendrik’s drunkness is highly amusing. I’m not sure if you’re intentionally aiming for that effect, but I was chuckling. I like quite a few phrases that you used, for example ‘crowded silence’, ‘brain had hidden his feet’, ‘wall-softened’ – these metaphors created new connections in my head. Cool. I like as well your attention to detail, because it hadn’t occurred to me that Lula’s pregnancy would be a liability to her in her, ahem, profession. In fact, I wasn’t paying attention that she was in that profession at all. No wonder the baby daddy didn’t want anything to do with it! Cohesive plotting there.
7/2/2014 c2
10Aki1
The description of the town was really well-done. And I'm not just referring to the direct descriptions (the scenery, the people bustling about, the mud) but I especially liked the personification of the town as a homely woman, 'too much heart and little sense'. That was fun.
So the plot clears up a little more in this chapter, which I appreciate as well. So the baby in the first chapter was Waylon's illegitimate child, and he paid de Witte to do... something... to ensure she wouldn't live? That's more than appalling on several levels, and I already loathe him on principle. Now de Witte himself, on the other hand - jury's still out as far as I'm concerned. I haven't quite gotten my head wrapped fully around his character just yet (which is totally fine, as this is just the second chapter, and the first in which he's appeared). I may have to read more before reserving judgment.
There are only a few little things (actually, *one* little thing that I noticed multiple times) I'd suggest as far as technique goes, and it's that you seem to have some words and phrases that would be greatly served by a hyphen. For example, 'money eyed whores' and 'knee length' and 'under dressed', to name a few instances. Just a suggestion, feel free to apply or ignore as you wish :)

The description of the town was really well-done. And I'm not just referring to the direct descriptions (the scenery, the people bustling about, the mud) but I especially liked the personification of the town as a homely woman, 'too much heart and little sense'. That was fun.
So the plot clears up a little more in this chapter, which I appreciate as well. So the baby in the first chapter was Waylon's illegitimate child, and he paid de Witte to do... something... to ensure she wouldn't live? That's more than appalling on several levels, and I already loathe him on principle. Now de Witte himself, on the other hand - jury's still out as far as I'm concerned. I haven't quite gotten my head wrapped fully around his character just yet (which is totally fine, as this is just the second chapter, and the first in which he's appeared). I may have to read more before reserving judgment.
There are only a few little things (actually, *one* little thing that I noticed multiple times) I'd suggest as far as technique goes, and it's that you seem to have some words and phrases that would be greatly served by a hyphen. For example, 'money eyed whores' and 'knee length' and 'under dressed', to name a few instances. Just a suggestion, feel free to apply or ignore as you wish :)
7/2/2014 c1 Aki1
Hello :) I like how you conveyed the emotion in this chapter - raw and sometimes harsh, sometimes repetitive. The woman obsesses over little details and some of her thoughts are written dangerously close to hyperbole, but I think it's only appropriate given the context - a woman just lost her child.
Also on that note, I like how you didn't give the information that this baby was a stillbirth right out of the gate. The first few paragraphs painted a beautiful picture of a mother's first touch, first glimpse, first meeting with her child... and it's only later that we find out just what exactly took place. In my opinion, it would have been effective either way, but this one just slightly edges out the alternative because we're given light and hope in the beginning, only to have it dashed. Nicely executed!
Hello :) I like how you conveyed the emotion in this chapter - raw and sometimes harsh, sometimes repetitive. The woman obsesses over little details and some of her thoughts are written dangerously close to hyperbole, but I think it's only appropriate given the context - a woman just lost her child.
Also on that note, I like how you didn't give the information that this baby was a stillbirth right out of the gate. The first few paragraphs painted a beautiful picture of a mother's first touch, first glimpse, first meeting with her child... and it's only later that we find out just what exactly took place. In my opinion, it would have been effective either way, but this one just slightly edges out the alternative because we're given light and hope in the beginning, only to have it dashed. Nicely executed!
7/2/2014 c1
4Jitterbug Blues
I really enjoyed your writing style here. I feel it's very visual (and in a good way, since you avoid being cliche or trite), and it's very emotive. But more than anything, I really like the visual aspect of it - I really felt and saw the images you produced here, especially the one bit about the baby being torn away from the mother's arms/hands. It's haunting and beautiful alike. It's also very emotive - I feel that's because of the images you produce, but also the way you address the narrator's feelings so vividly and openly. It's gut-wrenching to read this, because of how clearly you address emotions here.
I think you did a great job addressing the loss a mother feels over the death of her child/or her child being torn away from her. I think it's because of how you talk about how angry the woman feels, how saddened and guilty she feels for having lost it. I think that is mostly clearly manifested in the scene where she admires the scars on her belly, considering these proof of the fact that she once was with child (haunting writing there!). Again, I just felt that was a very powerful scene - very deftly written and definitely something that struck a cord in me (I envisioned that scene in my head while reading it).
Hmm, so yes - this is a promising opening :3

I really enjoyed your writing style here. I feel it's very visual (and in a good way, since you avoid being cliche or trite), and it's very emotive. But more than anything, I really like the visual aspect of it - I really felt and saw the images you produced here, especially the one bit about the baby being torn away from the mother's arms/hands. It's haunting and beautiful alike. It's also very emotive - I feel that's because of the images you produce, but also the way you address the narrator's feelings so vividly and openly. It's gut-wrenching to read this, because of how clearly you address emotions here.
I think you did a great job addressing the loss a mother feels over the death of her child/or her child being torn away from her. I think it's because of how you talk about how angry the woman feels, how saddened and guilty she feels for having lost it. I think that is mostly clearly manifested in the scene where she admires the scars on her belly, considering these proof of the fact that she once was with child (haunting writing there!). Again, I just felt that was a very powerful scene - very deftly written and definitely something that struck a cord in me (I envisioned that scene in my head while reading it).
Hmm, so yes - this is a promising opening :3
7/1/2014 c1
2Sami-Fire
This chapter is rife with emotional intensity. The wording is so descriptive and rich, and you really feel the mother's mixed elation and despair. The little details also help give the chapter some punch; I didn't notice the "blue toes and fingers" line at first, but then I saw it and there was this "Oh" realization about the scene's condition. (I thought the baby was just stillborn at first and didn't catch the implications of a lack of oxygen.) Very painful, yet pleasant to read.

This chapter is rife with emotional intensity. The wording is so descriptive and rich, and you really feel the mother's mixed elation and despair. The little details also help give the chapter some punch; I didn't notice the "blue toes and fingers" line at first, but then I saw it and there was this "Oh" realization about the scene's condition. (I thought the baby was just stillborn at first and didn't catch the implications of a lack of oxygen.) Very painful, yet pleasant to read.
7/1/2014 c4
9Highway Unicorn
:O
I'm on the "I like De Wittie" side as for now; we'll see if it'll keep. :P
Reallllllly liked how you opened this chapter up with De Wittie just completely drunk off his ass. It was hilarious, well written, and highly entertaining. I think you captured the effects of a hangover quite nicely in fact.
Sorry if I sound like a dummy right now, but I'm a little confused. "...ashen bone..." Is that ash *and* bone (but because of the accent, it's comes off the way you have it)? Is the baby dead? Is the baby alive?
But in regards to that little bit of dialogue Esther was giving about De Wittie "devastating" his "home," I really enjoyed that because I thought it was a cleaver way to hint at the importance of Lula to De Wittie. If he considers her a reminder of "home," which can be one of the most special places for a person, then Lula must really mean a lot to him.
And it's cool you added in the pronunciations of the names. :3
I've been pronouncing De Wittie's name as "Deh - Wit-teh" this whole time. xD

:O
I'm on the "I like De Wittie" side as for now; we'll see if it'll keep. :P
Reallllllly liked how you opened this chapter up with De Wittie just completely drunk off his ass. It was hilarious, well written, and highly entertaining. I think you captured the effects of a hangover quite nicely in fact.
Sorry if I sound like a dummy right now, but I'm a little confused. "...ashen bone..." Is that ash *and* bone (but because of the accent, it's comes off the way you have it)? Is the baby dead? Is the baby alive?
But in regards to that little bit of dialogue Esther was giving about De Wittie "devastating" his "home," I really enjoyed that because I thought it was a cleaver way to hint at the importance of Lula to De Wittie. If he considers her a reminder of "home," which can be one of the most special places for a person, then Lula must really mean a lot to him.
And it's cool you added in the pronunciations of the names. :3
I've been pronouncing De Wittie's name as "Deh - Wit-teh" this whole time. xD