for Lying for Kings6/30/2014 c1 deltd
Review Game- Easy Fix
You wrote the mother's grief well. It was easy to tell how angry and sad she was that her child was stillborn. It was dramatic indeed! The detail you used to show how much her child was touching.
The plot is moving forward rather quickly already. It makes the reader wonder what this childless mother plans to do next. With the devastation of losing her child, it already makes one question if anything will ever be happy for her in the future.
Good job!
Review Game- Easy Fix
You wrote the mother's grief well. It was easy to tell how angry and sad she was that her child was stillborn. It was dramatic indeed! The detail you used to show how much her child was touching.
The plot is moving forward rather quickly already. It makes the reader wonder what this childless mother plans to do next. With the devastation of losing her child, it already makes one question if anything will ever be happy for her in the future.
Good job!
6/30/2014 c2 
6SenatorBlitz
rule 10 debt repayment!
the descriptions in this chapter were marvelous! of particular note was the comparison between the town and a charming old grandmother. it gave it own little charm and also, strangely, gave me a better idea of what this place might look like. the metaphors were also clean in that you didn't expand them to ridiculous heights and get all purple prosey - the style seems to be more direct (though ill have to read more to confirm) and i really love how that makes the read so much easier and flowy. the other thing that really got to me was the continuation of your plot. once more you have thrown me for a loop - the dying baby a bastard child for some rich man-boy? sacre-bleu! granted his excitement at the baby's death was understandable, but having seen the woman's anguish in the past chapter (and being pissed at him for cheating on his wife) i, too, would have slapped him like hendrik did. there are two little things i noticed, not necessarily to fix, but just questions 1) what accent is hendrik speaking with? it got a little jumbled in my head while reading the um accented speach. so far all i've got is pirate *shameface*. 2) in the description at the beginning when you are describing the town and the way it wakes up and looks, you should consider aborting the use of the phrase 'always'. i.e. 'they always did so and so...'. while it gives a fairytale charm to the town, the way that your metaphors are so direct, it'd be so much more powerful if sentences like "the peddlers were always first to stir' simply read 'the peddlers were first to stir' so it could almost be like we're peering at a village /with/ you for the first time. this is really only a suggestion, btw, and im fairly sure you had a reason for writing it the way you did, so if bounds are overstepped ignore me :D:D
thanks for sharing!
6SenatorBlitzrule 10 debt repayment!
the descriptions in this chapter were marvelous! of particular note was the comparison between the town and a charming old grandmother. it gave it own little charm and also, strangely, gave me a better idea of what this place might look like. the metaphors were also clean in that you didn't expand them to ridiculous heights and get all purple prosey - the style seems to be more direct (though ill have to read more to confirm) and i really love how that makes the read so much easier and flowy. the other thing that really got to me was the continuation of your plot. once more you have thrown me for a loop - the dying baby a bastard child for some rich man-boy? sacre-bleu! granted his excitement at the baby's death was understandable, but having seen the woman's anguish in the past chapter (and being pissed at him for cheating on his wife) i, too, would have slapped him like hendrik did. there are two little things i noticed, not necessarily to fix, but just questions 1) what accent is hendrik speaking with? it got a little jumbled in my head while reading the um accented speach. so far all i've got is pirate *shameface*. 2) in the description at the beginning when you are describing the town and the way it wakes up and looks, you should consider aborting the use of the phrase 'always'. i.e. 'they always did so and so...'. while it gives a fairytale charm to the town, the way that your metaphors are so direct, it'd be so much more powerful if sentences like "the peddlers were always first to stir' simply read 'the peddlers were first to stir' so it could almost be like we're peering at a village /with/ you for the first time. this is really only a suggestion, btw, and im fairly sure you had a reason for writing it the way you did, so if bounds are overstepped ignore me :D:D
thanks for sharing!
6/29/2014 c3 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
I was surprised by Lula, frankly, because I’d formed a different impression of her from the previous chapter as a mother figure, and I suppose I imbued her with all the qualities of a saintly mother – patience, wisdom and all that, even though none of these were implied. So now that she turns out to be a slightly childish, pouty young lady who is herself in need of a mother figure, I have to do some mental readjustment. I like that you don’t introduce new characters too fast and too many at a time, but let us get used to the MCs first, because stories that have many characters always make my head spin. I don’t suppose the couple for whom she is to wetnurse is Waylon and the wife, for surely Hendrik isn’t that insensitive? Anyway, you have some unusual names in the story, whether for people or places, so perhaps you might want to give us some clue how to pronounce those names? That would help cement the names in our memory and further fix the story in our heads.
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
I was surprised by Lula, frankly, because I’d formed a different impression of her from the previous chapter as a mother figure, and I suppose I imbued her with all the qualities of a saintly mother – patience, wisdom and all that, even though none of these were implied. So now that she turns out to be a slightly childish, pouty young lady who is herself in need of a mother figure, I have to do some mental readjustment. I like that you don’t introduce new characters too fast and too many at a time, but let us get used to the MCs first, because stories that have many characters always make my head spin. I don’t suppose the couple for whom she is to wetnurse is Waylon and the wife, for surely Hendrik isn’t that insensitive? Anyway, you have some unusual names in the story, whether for people or places, so perhaps you might want to give us some clue how to pronounce those names? That would help cement the names in our memory and further fix the story in our heads.
6/28/2014 c1 52Electrumquill
Love the description and powerful raw emotion in this. I really feel the mother's joy and pain. You get the reader involved right away - very punchy writing about the spark between the mother and child. It makes the swift bereavement and sudden emptiness all the more harsh. The bereavement is rammed home relentlessly, but this is very necessary. Every sentence seems like a new experience. Good to see the unflinching physicality shown in her despair - of blood and mess and physical flaws magnified.
About your story synopsis though, shouldn't it refer to a "bereaved mother"? That would read better than "childless mother."
52ElectrumquillLove the description and powerful raw emotion in this. I really feel the mother's joy and pain. You get the reader involved right away - very punchy writing about the spark between the mother and child. It makes the swift bereavement and sudden emptiness all the more harsh. The bereavement is rammed home relentlessly, but this is very necessary. Every sentence seems like a new experience. Good to see the unflinching physicality shown in her despair - of blood and mess and physical flaws magnified.
About your story synopsis though, shouldn't it refer to a "bereaved mother"? That would read better than "childless mother."
6/28/2014 c1 6SenatorBlitz
hullo! Easy fix review for the review game
omg, i finally caught this in the games! been meaning to get to it and now i can! i really love the twist in this, how you open into this intimate description of a mother and her baby and you think it is going to be one of those beautiful 'mom-child' bonding things but then we get pulled up short when we realise that the baby is dead and then the scene just becomes morbid because she's cradling a dead baby. it makes all the earlier descriptions just suddenly flip in my mind and i loved feeling that /expansion/ of my senses and understanding.
i also like the little details of pregnancy that you chose to include such as the lines on her belly (stretch marks) and their color and how their meaning had come to change. these little vanities that become our calling cards. it was very poetic and i might have lingered a bit.
"she wasn't blind; it was rarely a happy tale when an infant entered the world with quiet on their lips" - love this.
great read! hope to catch you again!
6SenatorBlitzhullo! Easy fix review for the review game
omg, i finally caught this in the games! been meaning to get to it and now i can! i really love the twist in this, how you open into this intimate description of a mother and her baby and you think it is going to be one of those beautiful 'mom-child' bonding things but then we get pulled up short when we realise that the baby is dead and then the scene just becomes morbid because she's cradling a dead baby. it makes all the earlier descriptions just suddenly flip in my mind and i loved feeling that /expansion/ of my senses and understanding.
i also like the little details of pregnancy that you chose to include such as the lines on her belly (stretch marks) and their color and how their meaning had come to change. these little vanities that become our calling cards. it was very poetic and i might have lingered a bit.
"she wasn't blind; it was rarely a happy tale when an infant entered the world with quiet on their lips" - love this.
great read! hope to catch you again!
6/27/2014 c2 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
Cool personification of the city! I like how you use it to show both the literal sights of the city and its general atmosphere. I especially like the red clay-mud that stains the labourers because it conjures up a most vivid image. Waylon is no doubt the father of the child lost by the nameless woman in the first chapter. I think you have successfully portrayed him as an unlikeable character, in contrast to Hendrik who seems the ‘decent’ type in spite of his possible involvement in the baby’s demise. I say this on the basis of the term ‘it’s taken care of’, not because any other aspect of his behaviour suggests he might be a murderer. He does seem fickle-minded though, since he gave the coins to the beggar rather than the woman he said they were for. Finally, there is little evidence of a definite plot as yet, but I’m fine with this character development alternative.
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
Cool personification of the city! I like how you use it to show both the literal sights of the city and its general atmosphere. I especially like the red clay-mud that stains the labourers because it conjures up a most vivid image. Waylon is no doubt the father of the child lost by the nameless woman in the first chapter. I think you have successfully portrayed him as an unlikeable character, in contrast to Hendrik who seems the ‘decent’ type in spite of his possible involvement in the baby’s demise. I say this on the basis of the term ‘it’s taken care of’, not because any other aspect of his behaviour suggests he might be a murderer. He does seem fickle-minded though, since he gave the coins to the beggar rather than the woman he said they were for. Finally, there is little evidence of a definite plot as yet, but I’m fine with this character development alternative.
6/27/2014 c3 9Highway Unicorn
I usually review as I read, but I ended up reading the entire chapter at one go. It was so good.
First, that freaking sucks. I can see the benefit of her being a wet nurse, but to demand her to do so after she *just* gave birth and got her infant taken away from her? Cold, I’d say. My opinion of De Witte is shifting from good to bad, haha. Hopefully, I’ll find something redeeming about him to like, ‘cause I liked him from chapter two. But that’s such a crappy thing to do right after a situation.
Anyway.
O girl, I loved that bit about the artist and the wardrobe because it was beautifully written and it showed an insight on how Lula feels about her image. She envies the women drawn out and wishes she looked like that again, or at least that’s what I got from it. I think as such since she doesn’t appear to like that baby fat she has going on, maybe for appearance, or maybe even because it reminds her of the infant.
Also liked that Lula stormed out in anger towards Mr. De Witte because it’s a reasonable reaction! (This goes into what I said earlier in this review.) Such a shitty thing for him to demand of her and I’m glad she’s not going to let it blow over. Although, if my theory is correct, and she is indeed his *employee* (nice way to say fancy lady, eh?) then I fear there might be a backlash on his part…just depends on what type of man he is and if he appreciates his…workers talking to him as if they’re equals. (Not saying that Lula isn’t an equal, but I can see how De Witte would put himself above her based on their roles).
9Highway UnicornI usually review as I read, but I ended up reading the entire chapter at one go. It was so good.
First, that freaking sucks. I can see the benefit of her being a wet nurse, but to demand her to do so after she *just* gave birth and got her infant taken away from her? Cold, I’d say. My opinion of De Witte is shifting from good to bad, haha. Hopefully, I’ll find something redeeming about him to like, ‘cause I liked him from chapter two. But that’s such a crappy thing to do right after a situation.
Anyway.
O girl, I loved that bit about the artist and the wardrobe because it was beautifully written and it showed an insight on how Lula feels about her image. She envies the women drawn out and wishes she looked like that again, or at least that’s what I got from it. I think as such since she doesn’t appear to like that baby fat she has going on, maybe for appearance, or maybe even because it reminds her of the infant.
Also liked that Lula stormed out in anger towards Mr. De Witte because it’s a reasonable reaction! (This goes into what I said earlier in this review.) Such a shitty thing for him to demand of her and I’m glad she’s not going to let it blow over. Although, if my theory is correct, and she is indeed his *employee* (nice way to say fancy lady, eh?) then I fear there might be a backlash on his part…just depends on what type of man he is and if he appreciates his…workers talking to him as if they’re equals. (Not saying that Lula isn’t an equal, but I can see how De Witte would put himself above her based on their roles).
6/27/2014 c2 Highway Unicorn
You have beautiful diction and imagery, and I love every bit of it because one, I can see you clearly put in the effort to really paint out the setting, and two, you have quite the creative way with words in describing something which keeps the story from growing dull.
[I was beginnin' to wonder if yer balls had ev'r dropped!] I lol’d.
Well damn, looks like he didn’t want a bastard daughter there. Saddening to think a guy would pay off the pimp (? De Witte the pimp/owner of the whore house, correct?) to *remove* a baby—the baby from chapter one, I presume? Now it’s time to see is De Witte actually had the heart to send an infant to its death or if he just send it away.
I like De Witte’s (I like calling him by his last name; it’s awesome) personality because he seems like a man who knows how to be in control of a situation. I mean, he just walked into Waylon’s house and basically manipulated the entire conversation, such as working Waylon’s emotions and eventually setting the man in the debt of a favor, one that I can only assume will be quite huge.
You have beautiful diction and imagery, and I love every bit of it because one, I can see you clearly put in the effort to really paint out the setting, and two, you have quite the creative way with words in describing something which keeps the story from growing dull.
[I was beginnin' to wonder if yer balls had ev'r dropped!] I lol’d.
Well damn, looks like he didn’t want a bastard daughter there. Saddening to think a guy would pay off the pimp (? De Witte the pimp/owner of the whore house, correct?) to *remove* a baby—the baby from chapter one, I presume? Now it’s time to see is De Witte actually had the heart to send an infant to its death or if he just send it away.
I like De Witte’s (I like calling him by his last name; it’s awesome) personality because he seems like a man who knows how to be in control of a situation. I mean, he just walked into Waylon’s house and basically manipulated the entire conversation, such as working Waylon’s emotions and eventually setting the man in the debt of a favor, one that I can only assume will be quite huge.
6/27/2014 c1 6ArgentanHeart
I really liked this story. The style and pacing were right on and such beautiful language. I loved the first paragraph a lot. You can really feel the mothers love and heartbreak. And you managed to have lovely descriptive language without slowing the pace down at all. Well done!
My only qualm is that there is some ambiguity when the baby dies. I had to re-read the second paragraph because I wasn't sure what was happening. That moment alone felt rushed. It went from such love to the baby going missing with little explanation/time to process. I wasn't sure if the baby was stolen or what happened...
6ArgentanHeartI really liked this story. The style and pacing were right on and such beautiful language. I loved the first paragraph a lot. You can really feel the mothers love and heartbreak. And you managed to have lovely descriptive language without slowing the pace down at all. Well done!
My only qualm is that there is some ambiguity when the baby dies. I had to re-read the second paragraph because I wasn't sure what was happening. That moment alone felt rushed. It went from such love to the baby going missing with little explanation/time to process. I wasn't sure if the baby was stolen or what happened...
6/27/2014 c1 2Jalux
Wow, really didn't expect the child to be dead. I suspected but hoped it wasn't so, I feel you really nailed that scene with the description and the lead up. It's really nice not to be force-fed the information and the gradual lead up is clever. I do think although your description of the event is good, the actual setting is a little less unclear. Where is this, what age is this (modern/medieval?), I assumed the latter but a little clarity would help a lot here I feel. That being said you absolutely got the emotion across with the language and lead-up and I think this makes for an excellent chapter.
2JaluxWow, really didn't expect the child to be dead. I suspected but hoped it wasn't so, I feel you really nailed that scene with the description and the lead up. It's really nice not to be force-fed the information and the gradual lead up is clever. I do think although your description of the event is good, the actual setting is a little less unclear. Where is this, what age is this (modern/medieval?), I assumed the latter but a little clarity would help a lot here I feel. That being said you absolutely got the emotion across with the language and lead-up and I think this makes for an excellent chapter.
6/25/2014 c1 20Ventracere
Hullo, hullo!
I have to say the first thing that caught my eye would be your rhetoric. It's strong - nice nice - and helps to amplify the hollowness of your character's soul. For one, it goes to say that the emptiness is from the loss of her child. Not just because of what you've written down, but the repetition that goes to highlight the notion effectively. Another thing that I liked is your descriptions. They were a little long in the beginning, but I think it captures the scene well, from the flowing sentences that mirror the thoughts of your tormented character.
For all that this chapter is short, it does come together well. It's not so short that it hinders the pacing of the chapter - I think in this case, this is as lengthy as this can become. Any longer, this chapter may have become a little tedious.
Good job :D
20VentracereHullo, hullo!
I have to say the first thing that caught my eye would be your rhetoric. It's strong - nice nice - and helps to amplify the hollowness of your character's soul. For one, it goes to say that the emptiness is from the loss of her child. Not just because of what you've written down, but the repetition that goes to highlight the notion effectively. Another thing that I liked is your descriptions. They were a little long in the beginning, but I think it captures the scene well, from the flowing sentences that mirror the thoughts of your tormented character.
For all that this chapter is short, it does come together well. It's not so short that it hinders the pacing of the chapter - I think in this case, this is as lengthy as this can become. Any longer, this chapter may have become a little tedious.
Good job :D
6/25/2014 c1 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
I like how you don’t straightaway tell us that the child is dead, but let us realise it slowly through the description, because that makes it all the more powerful and poignant. The image of the mother cradling the phantom child is particularly moving.
On a more pragmatic and less emotive front, what happened to the cord and placenta? Did you purposely not mention it, or was it meant to be implicit in the ‘mess of birth’ (because that could mean lots of things eg the blood, the amniotic cluid etc). Sorry if that comes across as nitpicky but I have a thing for factual details, even in fantasy tales, because I think Fantasy shouldn’t mean we can dispense altogether with reality.
Likewise, I am struck by the line ‘the only thing she might have ever claimed as hers’ because it simultaneously drives home the strength of her grief and suggests that the child’s father isn’t part of the picture.
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
I like how you don’t straightaway tell us that the child is dead, but let us realise it slowly through the description, because that makes it all the more powerful and poignant. The image of the mother cradling the phantom child is particularly moving.
On a more pragmatic and less emotive front, what happened to the cord and placenta? Did you purposely not mention it, or was it meant to be implicit in the ‘mess of birth’ (because that could mean lots of things eg the blood, the amniotic cluid etc). Sorry if that comes across as nitpicky but I have a thing for factual details, even in fantasy tales, because I think Fantasy shouldn’t mean we can dispense altogether with reality.
Likewise, I am struck by the line ‘the only thing she might have ever claimed as hers’ because it simultaneously drives home the strength of her grief and suggests that the child’s father isn’t part of the picture.
6/25/2014 c1 147
Hi! After reading through the first chapter, I'm very impressed by the narration. It's profound without being overbearing, and I like how the slightest details reinforce the melancholic tone.
The first chapter is pretty short, so it's difficult to make out the exact setting from just that, but otherwise, it's an interesting start. The protagonist having already experienced loss makes it mature and fitting for the drama genre. Keep up the good work!
Hi! After reading through the first chapter, I'm very impressed by the narration. It's profound without being overbearing, and I like how the slightest details reinforce the melancholic tone.
The first chapter is pretty short, so it's difficult to make out the exact setting from just that, but otherwise, it's an interesting start. The protagonist having already experienced loss makes it mature and fitting for the drama genre. Keep up the good work!
6/25/2014 c1 9Highway Unicorn
Celestene is an AWESOME name for a country, and I'm not only saying that because my name happens to be Celeste, haha.
I really enjoyed reading the bond between the mother and infant in the very first paragraph because it was heartwarming and it depicted what a lot of mothers go through at that moment. (I'm going to assume she had just given birth...) And while it wasn't mention, there's always the science behind the bonding of a mother and child (A hormone is released in order to stimulate contractions in the uterus to help with labor but it also leads the woman to become attached to whatever is causing the contractions, such as birth of a child or orgasm from a partner.) So with that in mind, I really like how you depicted the bond that typically happens after birth.
Awwww no, that's so freaking sad. The baby was stillborn? D:
Even though it's quite saddening, I enjoyed reading the mother's reaction to the stillborn and how much she desperately wanted her infant to come to life. And I also noticed some stages of grief, such as denial, anger, etc. That really added to the opening of this story and help set the tone for what we can expect from you as you take us on this journey.
9Highway UnicornCelestene is an AWESOME name for a country, and I'm not only saying that because my name happens to be Celeste, haha.
I really enjoyed reading the bond between the mother and infant in the very first paragraph because it was heartwarming and it depicted what a lot of mothers go through at that moment. (I'm going to assume she had just given birth...) And while it wasn't mention, there's always the science behind the bonding of a mother and child (A hormone is released in order to stimulate contractions in the uterus to help with labor but it also leads the woman to become attached to whatever is causing the contractions, such as birth of a child or orgasm from a partner.) So with that in mind, I really like how you depicted the bond that typically happens after birth.
Awwww no, that's so freaking sad. The baby was stillborn? D:
Even though it's quite saddening, I enjoyed reading the mother's reaction to the stillborn and how much she desperately wanted her infant to come to life. And I also noticed some stages of grief, such as denial, anger, etc. That really added to the opening of this story and help set the tone for what we can expect from you as you take us on this journey.
6/24/2014 c1 deadaccount2019
I'm having a lot of difficulty grasping what kind of setting this is supposed to be. The summary and the language of the writing *feels* medieval-esque, but some of the details and the use of 'shit' make it feel more contemporary. It would help if there was more attention to details, especially early on, to give the reader some idea of where/when the story's taking place.
Bereaved parents is of course nothing new in terms of protagonists, but the implication I get from the summary is that rather than being a woe-is-me sort of character, our protagonist will also play an antagonist role. That potential makes me very interested in seeing where the story will go, as a character playing both sides of the conflict can make for less predictable twists and turns in the story. My one concern is that the mother's motives will not grow or devolve beyond the loss of her child. While it can certainly be her primary motive, do be sure to balance her out with lesser motives that either feed or take from her primary motive. :)
I'm having a lot of difficulty grasping what kind of setting this is supposed to be. The summary and the language of the writing *feels* medieval-esque, but some of the details and the use of 'shit' make it feel more contemporary. It would help if there was more attention to details, especially early on, to give the reader some idea of where/when the story's taking place.
Bereaved parents is of course nothing new in terms of protagonists, but the implication I get from the summary is that rather than being a woe-is-me sort of character, our protagonist will also play an antagonist role. That potential makes me very interested in seeing where the story will go, as a character playing both sides of the conflict can make for less predictable twists and turns in the story. My one concern is that the mother's motives will not grow or devolve beyond the loss of her child. While it can certainly be her primary motive, do be sure to balance her out with lesser motives that either feed or take from her primary motive. :)