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10/4/2014 c3 L. F. Bartley
I noted a few words missing in here. You may want to reread your work and check for grammar and spelling errors.

I can see little bits of your personality in your work. As with any writer, your writing reflects a lot about yourself.

Okay, some of the terminology I don't exactly understand. Crypto-currency? Custom library? This is where you need to talk less like a computer programmer and more like a regular person. Maybe you could make so that Liz doesn't quite understand and needs an explanation?

Okay, well, after finishing this chapter, I am a bit confused...it seems to be a cross between a supernatural novel and a modern day spy novel? Sort of?
10/2/2014 c2 L. F. Bartley
Obviously, despite the K rating, this an adult novel.

There is an overwhelming amount of description here. It is good at times, but you also need to get to the point, especially in the first few chapters.

Some of this I am not understanding. You're crossing fantasy with reality (or at least that's what I'm understanding that you're doing). It's not easy to write.

Hmmm...a little bit of a rocky start, but the story finally hit it's groove mid chapter. I like this ghostly teenager character. She seems like a good sidekick.

One little tip: in the first few chapters of a story, you want to connect with your audience. You want to bring them into the story...like they're observers on high. Your language needs to help in connecting with them. Some of these lines sound more poetic than literary. Such as "asphault ribbons" to describe roads. It sounds good, but it will push away your audience (everyday people).
10/1/2014 c1 L. F. Bartley
Well, no shit. Before money, we bartered. Value in things is inherent.

?

No a very powerful quote and not one I think kids would understand, if indeed you are targeting kids with this novel.
10/1/2014 c13 3She Doesn't Row
I'm assuming the large amount of money in chapter 11 was Iktomi's payment to Jackson, but it doesn't seem like Jackson has made that connection yet, unless I missed it. I guess it's obvious, but having the character acknowledge it might be a good idea. I'm curious to see what the meeting with Iktomi is like, though. I'm reminded of the special episode of The IT Crowd, where the mysterious Anonymous is really a teenage boy living at his parents' house. Guess we'll have to wait and see who Iktomi is! Nice writing as usual. :)
9/30/2014 c9 She Doesn't Row
Some more typos I noticed: "Liz hovered by the door outside, keeping watching for unwanted guests." Watching should be watch.

"Interesting that when you consider six months ago, they were locked in a stalemate with North Eden six months ago." I'd remove the second "six months ago".

I also think you write dialogue well, the interactions between Jackson and others are always really smooth, particularly conversations between him and Liz - I think those conversations let their personalities really shine through. Nice work. :)
9/30/2014 c8 She Doesn't Row
Just want to point out that in chapter 4 you referred to Thaddeus by his first name, but at the start of this chapter you referred to him as Crowe. I found that a tad bit confusing, it might be better to just stick to one or the other. But I like how detailed this story is, you've definitely done your research! I'm not even sure about half the stuff they're saying, but I like it. :P Also would Jackson really refer to the game console as "game console" rather than PlayStation/Xbox/whatever? Especially as he seems somewhat familiar with it, with the line "I'm a bit rusty". Just a thought.
9/30/2014 c21 1Rajkot
So I've gotten all the way to chapter 20 (Fictionpress registered chapter 21) and I'll be splitting this particular review into two parts. The first for my overall impressions, and the second for my specific thoughts of chapter 20.

The Overall:
The story iswell written, well researched, and well thought out. Characters, the locations, and the general atmosphere of the town all work together in a setting that fits the story. The city feels real, and there are no points where I question the authenticity of this fictional place. Additionally, the inclusion of the paranormal does not interfere with this, a feat that deserves recognition. The writing is succinct and intelligent without being bogged down by the overly complicated; though I will admit that some description seem to be stretched out as if to make a point, which cuts into the flow. A basic reread would quickly catch these, especially if it was performed aloud. There are also simple formatting confusions, the most obvious being when Conner is leaving for the first time, that could use some oversight. The work is the most intricate I have read in my short time on Fictionpress, and shows obvious skill and attention to detail. I might suggest putting more emphasis on the plot hooks and thrills, as they are where the writing shines brightest, and are also where the story really drags people in.

The Specifics:
This seems to be more if an intermediary, expository chapter rather than a plot based chapter. Jackson's reasoning is fittingly structured and logical while also keeping consistent with his wish to protect his brother. It's a short and simple, and it's able to break down the information without butchering it or making it incomprehensible. Adrain doesn't seem to shine much as a character here, but that's not so pressing to warrant too much editing (if any). Not my favorite chapter, but I can see the necessity of it and I imagine it's paving the way for future chapters. The only thing that bothered my was a slight error paragraph 8 involving Jackson's sitting. Otherwise you're all good.

It's a fun read and I plan to keep reading.
9/29/2014 c6 3She Doesn't Row
I noticed errors in two sentences: First, "The computer upon which Jackson he would have been ancient . . ." seems like you merged two sentences together without finishing the first one? Second, "A weapon Jackson assumed Dave had intimate knowledge of in every sense of the world" should be "word"?

I really liked the change of pace into a bit of a thriller when Iktomi came on the computer and said to keep Pierce away from the windows. I feel like up until now there has been the storyline of figuring out what caused the ripple Jackson noticed, but now it seems like the story is being kicked up a notch and should be getting more intense from here! Am looking forward to reading more. :)
9/29/2014 c5 She Doesn't Row
About halfway through the chapter there's a typing error, "Connor vanished behind the garage As Jackson returned to his car, he saw Connor vanish behind the garage." Otherwise, another good chapter. I like how you introduce new people, like Thaddeus and Connor, without delving into huge info-dumps about them, their history with Jackson and their personal lives - it keeps it interesting without becoming boring, and also helps to create the feel of the world, I think. I also like how Liz's characterization is developing, she is still young, curious and mischievous even though she's a ghost! She's an enjoyable character. Onwards! :)
9/29/2014 c4 She Doesn't Row
Finally getting around to continuing this story! I do really like your writing style. In this chapter there were some lines of dialogue that didn't have the dialogue tags, but you wrote the scene and characters well enough that it was clear who was speaking, so nice work there! You also had some great imagery and phrases in here, and the part with Liz terrorizing the customer was a fun little addition. I think it can be easy to forget she's a ghost and that others can't see her, so I thought that interaction was a good idea. Nice job! :)
9/22/2014 c2 40bs1d1ankn1ght
Sorry for the late review, I was busy with stuff; and I'm not very good with reviewing.

I don't have much to say, its a really good story. But if there is anything for me to say, I think you can add more into the beginning, like starting with Jackson preparing at home for the conflict with Ms. Hill.
8/30/2014 c19 1Tosha Goff
Oh my God, please don't tell me something bad happened to Pierce! Ahhh I just love this chapter! You did really well, and I'm curious as to what's gonna happen to Pierce.
8/11/2014 c16 Tosha Goff
So far I think that this story is very interesting. I love the brotherly bond between Jackson and Pierce as well as the mystery. I'm not much into technological genres, but I really like the twist it has in this story. All in all it's a good read, and I'm definitely going to keep reading this story.
8/4/2014 c5 Guest
Okay, so from what I've read so far, you've got a very strong premise, it's very intriguing.
However, it doesn't really seem like there's much driving the story forward, in that it doesn't seem like there's a massive conspiracy that Jackson has to get to the bottom of. Of course, you may just be being very subtle for effect, in which case, while this is very effective, you may be in danger of losing readers because of this.
It also feels as if some of your chapters are just clever ways for you to dump information, like in chapter 5, I find it quite difficult to see the extent to which it drives the plot forward, however, I get how information is difficult to slowly reveal to the reader and it is tempting to reveal it in the way you've done in order to show off your realistic characters.
But overall, you have done a good job, you also use great description.
Another issue is in chapter 2, I think, when you talk about Jackson being previously overweight you describe it as 'a far cry from the waddling overweight high teenager who entered as a freshman.' - you only need to say far cry, not A far cry. That's pretty much it.
Keep up the good work!
I'll continue reading!
8/3/2014 c11 2S. D. Forogar
I have to admit to this being one of the more fastinating stories I've read on here. It's clearly a sequel to another story or perhaps a series, and I would most definitely read its precursors, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Below, are the Good and the Bad.

The GOOD: I find quite a lot to detail in this section, and I hope I don't omit anything. First, the vocabulary is excellent, a perfect detailing of the obvious intelligence of the author and not simply just a hallmark of 'Dictionary Education.' As well, the Power of this story, in particular its characters and plot and the almost-incomparable level of imagery expressed (where needed) are astounding, and clear thought was placed into every one of these aspects. This makes for the most impressive display this piece has to offer; specifically, I'm really enjoying Liz's character for her somewhat-comedic-relief role as well as her abilities and no-nonsense approach to serious situations, which adds depth and vividity to her. Despite this, all of the other characters seem to have some degree of personality, and a good level of background, but once more I do notice that this is a sequel and that more of its disclosure probably occurred in the prequel(s).

The plot, though also not FULLY able to be understood unless the greater story is known, nonetheless can stand alone to some degree with only a layman's description of past events, and so this tale could effectively be read even by those who've not seen the author's previous work. That adds value to the overall piece, also, because it doesn't require an immense investment on the part of the Reader but still invites the Reader to make that additional investment due to its goodness.

The MIXED OPINION: This is actually the first implementation of this segment, because I've surprisingly not seen something that could fit here until now. Usually, when people make an error, they tend towards making the worst of that error that they can. Adversely, anything done properly tends to be done to the BEST of their abilities, but I ramble.

My Mixed Opinion segment deals with the Elements of Detail and Flow, because one incontrovertibly affects the other in this case. In the right places, they paint the most perfect picture I could ask for in a piece, but in others I have to admit to a bit of guesswork until context was given. Most commonly, my contention with this story's Flow comes from Chapter transition, wherein new locations formulate the central theme of the Chapter in question, but tend to 'come out of nowhere.' A good example in this is the transition from Ch-6 to Ch-7 (Page 7-8), wherein the setting changes completely without warning. Aside, this may be a nit-pick, but it's noteworthy if only to raise the author's awareness.

The BAD: I actually found a difficult time of coming up with negative criticism for this piece, because it's so very well-done. First, I noticed a few instances of redundant text, most often where words were repeated unnecessarily, but this doesn't impede the message of the text and so I will point them out upon request. As well, there are areas where the story muddles the lines of Sense, which I'll disclose to the author to avoid spoilers. Finally, and probably the most (and perhaps ONLY) prominent error, is the seeming lack of any real 'crisis' or impending conflict in the story. Though written very eloquently, and with just enough 'give-away' to the audience to leave a Reader guessing but feeling as if they're uncovering the story bit-by-bit, I have to admit that I felt no real sense of 'urgency' for the characters to act. Their fears and conflicts were only real to a certain degree, perhaps because of how level-headed an approach to each situation they took (minus Pierce, of course!). I just feel that there's an unbreakable 'facade' to each character, as if they can see things as almost superficial despite their obviously-negative ramifications. This, to me, suits Jackson's personality, but not necessarily everyone's.

In conclusion, despite a few minor-to-moderate flaws, I found that I enjoyed almost every aspect of this piece, and would recommend it both as a good example to potential writers AND as a great story for casual reading.
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