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7/13/2014 c12 3Megan Ariano
So he can't really be that bad right? He helped him. (Or was that also his doing? So see now I'm starting to get as paranoid as Jackson haha)
Finally we'd get to meet the oh-so-mysterious Iktomi. It's a bit creepy that he can know anything, anytime he needs to. Literally eyes everywhere huh.
7/10/2014 c11 Megan Ariano
Oh that's sneaky. That Iktomi, will it be so wrong to like him/them? Haha
It's sorta funny how Pierce and Liz go "huh?" Just when I was about to. My mind tends to wonder off when people try explaining how those illegal transactions go like insider trading and whatnot (although that one I 've heard is quite popular)
And his brother and Liz are like two peas in a pod, or did I get that wrong? I wonder what they were talking about when Jackson arrived..
7/9/2014 c4 11Tenacious Archangel
"This would be the perfect place to find virgin sacrifices"
Hello my new favorite character!
Huh, not much to say here actually. Nice to see some use of native american knowledge, occult knowledge, all that. Add that to the computer stuff and I get very easily confused. But it adds some realism to have things so acutely defined.
Oh, I guess I'd like to say that here the characters seem a bit... slow. They only *just* figure that the program caused the outage? It was very obvious from the start, and I feel they'd at least have guessed it by now. The way Thaddeus Crowe (what a name) remarks 'your friend's name REMINDS me of Iktomi' bothered me too, as hopefully he'd be able to figure 1kt0m1 really can't stand for anything else. This is basic numbers/letters switching here, so the way he makes it sound like a guess bothered me.
7/9/2014 c3 Tenacious Archangel
I'm ready for the internet ghosts.
Right, also as I stick with quick notes, something I was planning to say last reviews was this: It's nice to see you have a main character of color, as that's really way too rare in fiction.

As we get into more technical stuff of this story, I realize a few things. One, I don't get technology. Two, (and this is story related) I don't quite get technology's role in the world of ghosts. Last chap, I was under the impression Jackson was say, texting someone to find this old lady's cat. Now that we have something called 'necrotech' and a lot of computer words, I wonder if I misinterpreted it. I assume this is something I'll understand later.

I also say a bit of repetition going on. Pierce's first few lines have 'eh' twice as a starting word, and in the last paragraph, lingered issued twice in adjacent sentences. These are noticeable things.

The setting stuff really sticks out in the opening paragraphs, mostly because it sounds like a real place you might know, and I'm too lazy to google and find out. So I'll say this: you have me fooled.

Also dave sounds like a messy tool who does he think he is.
7/9/2014 c2 Tenacious Archangel
Right off the bat, I had one thought: 'This sure is a different writing style.' I don't know. I guess I've been noticing that more when I read. But no, really, you've got a lot more physical description and similes than I'd use, which is nothing to do with skill and all to do with textual similarities- having a fondess for things similar to your own. We write the books we'd want to read, after all.

Not like I'm starting this off by saying 'wow you suck'. No. I'm just noting a style difference. In truth, this chapter is perfectly systematic in that it covers like, every base out there. We get two side characters, a key item, a vague reference to a past horrific event, some insight to the rules of the world, and a regular day gone off. It's literally perfect in how this chapter pulls off it's clean start with something maybe not all that excitingly memorable, but clean and suited for a start. It reminds me of something, I want to say, but I have no idea what. Some old book I read once.

I guess I'd have to note I find the use of the bokken to be decisively... weebish? Okay, rude thought perhaps, I just find myself often associating the use of japanese things in an english story where an english word could easily have fit instead to be a bit jarring and a lot like a flashback to my middle school days. If this paragraph is also best defined as the 'criticism one' I guess I might add (or expand on) the fact that the start lacks punch. We get a bit of action, which serves as exposition, and that's good. It's just that the first two paragraphs are describing characters instead of something a bit stronger. Starting right off with appearances does get them out of the way, but lacks impact.
I also feel, maybe more personally, that the use of the joke about the old woman and her cat could have been pulled off with a little more grace. Somehow, naming a cat fluffy just takes everything away from it's value.

Anyways I know nothing about ghosts so I'm off to read the next chapter.
7/9/2014 c1 Tenacious Archangel
See, I know a story's going to be good when I have literally no idea what this quote means. Very exciting.

(also since I'll likely be making a lot of (more proper I promise) reviews on this as I read, I want to note I usually make a few harsh remarks in good humor, so if it sounds like I'm super miserable, I'm likely just joking)
7/7/2014 c10 3Megan Ariano
Very well written. The pacing's just right for each chapter.
But I kinda wished there'd be more supernatural stuff in the next ones, and maybe a little peek into this mysterious Iktomi? :D
6/29/2014 c7 Megan Ariano
Okay so when are you updating again?
:D
6/29/2014 c6 Megan Ariano
I have no idea what's wrong with my phone but i seem to be inserting words that doesnt make sense in the sentences so bare with me lol
Anyway i really love your story now. I'm a sucker for this kind of story so please continue. :))
Great job on this chapter. It's getting weirder and i love it. Putting this on my favorites now. :))
6/28/2014 c3 Megan Ariano
The supernatural and the digital age. Well that's definitely something to fear. Anyway, love how you wrote the whole thing. I have a little background on bother finance and engineering so i more or less get the jist. Not looking forward to any more puns though. But one or two should be okay. That's just my opinion.
Keep it up. :)
6/28/2014 c2 Megan Ariano
You might want to do a little proofreading, but other than thay i have no complaints. :(
I like you way you were able to overlap his personality as a financial consultant (yeah, he did have that kind of vibe) and as a medium. The way the ghost was introduced into the scene was also good - you didnt even have to introduce the old lady that way and she kinda turned out to be one, but it definitely works.
I'll continue reading :)
6/21/2014 c5 2lilymarie96
I'm not sure if I'd said this before, but I'm really digging your unique combination of the supernatural and business world, I've never seen much of anything like the way you're doing it. And I just realized that it is combining two things that I know next to nothing about, hahaha. On another note, I'm still really liking Liz, and I found the conversation about where she should go if Jackson died interesting. Where ghosts do/where they go after their one friend dies is not something I've thought about before!
"Instead, he stopped outside the garage near the heart of downtown and walked behind a nearby dumpster. The prismatic colors of leaked oil swirled in a brackish puddle like a tortured rainbow beside his shoe as he scanned for signs of movement." Sometimes your writing is so beautiful, this line in particular was just awesome and I just thought I'd point that out. Your writing is so refreshingly professional on this website!
One more thing. I really liked your "romance" conversation Jackson had with Liz. I haven't read past this point, but I personally think it would be very interesting to let Jackson represent asexuality, a lesser known sexuality in which a person does not experience sexual attraction to either gender. Jackson seems like a very stoic character and that just might work for his character, and I feel like your research and writing would be able to pull it off nicely without butchering or making it too stereotypical. Just a thought I had that I'd like to throw by you. I'm still reading this story, I promise, it just might take me a little while to get through it :)
6/15/2014 c2 1OmegaFicPress
So I noticed a few contradictory uses of tenses, but it seems really cool. The writing is great, and I'm glad that you've hinted/foreshadowed at stuff that will probably in later chapters/books. Graves is always a badass name and fits the character nicely. I'm sure I'll be reading more in the future.
6/7/2014 c2 12GossamerSilverglow
Supernatural Book Club Review 2:

Suggestions/Typos/Comments:

I really like the ideas of enchanted glasses so his brother can see the ghost. That reminds me of The 13th Ghost, another really great movie.

[What do you get what you cross a pig] – Typo here. That second ‘what’ should be ‘when’.

The jokes were interesting, but I think all of them were unnecessary. One joke between Pierce and Liz would’ve been okay, and then say something indicating that they were continuing, but don’t actually tell another joke until they coax Jackson to say one. It took away from the reason they were there. Honestly, I was more interested in that reason than the joking and found myself getting slightly bored. I also feel like you over detail sometimes. Details are great, I’m not saying they aren’t, but remember that too many unnecessary details can bore too. On the other hand, the rest of the dialogue flowed smoothly and wasn’t boring. It really gives the reader a ‘mystery who-done-it’ feel. I would like a little more emotion from the characters, particularly Jackson.
6/7/2014 c3 2lilymarie96
I love how you've got your own characters down to a tee, I thought the joke about the virgin sacrifices was not only hilarious, but revealed a lot about your characters in a small amount of time. I also really enjoyed your description of Thaddeus, already he seems like a very likeable character. "Liz was shifting figures around on the shelf whenever a patron looked away." You really do find a way to both make readers laugh and get them to love your characters with minimal words. Your realistic description for the combination of magic and technology is applaudable. Your stories are some of the most well-written I've ever seen on this site, so I have pretty much 0 critique (at least for this chapter) and I'm very glad you're putting this online for all of us to read :)
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