for Black Butterfly: New Beginnings6/7/2014 c1 
3RTK
Big action packed first chapter to open up the story. As a reader, I'm now very enticed to read more! Interested to see why Ishida was in the gang in the first place and what prompted her to leave it. Very interested in what happens next. Do keep writing!
3RTKBig action packed first chapter to open up the story. As a reader, I'm now very enticed to read more! Interested to see why Ishida was in the gang in the first place and what prompted her to leave it. Very interested in what happens next. Do keep writing!
6/4/2014 c1 14Louis-sama
So, this is an interesting story, I'd say that to you. But, here's my suggestion. If you want to describe your characters, please avoid outright telling the readers about how your characters look like. Just like how you describe Hitomi. Instead of telling us that she was small, why don't you show the fact that she was small? Like, instead of writing 'Her name was Hitomi and she was small', try something like 'She was known as Hitomi and compared to the rest, she looked like a midget' or something. Just don't outright state the looks of your characters and instead describing them by comparing your characters with other characters, comparing your characters with things like animals, plants and so on. The possibilities are endless, you see?
But, I guess this is a decent work coming from you, and I wish that you can do something more spectacular than this. I'm looking forward for the next update, but until then, please do your best.
Louis-sama (2014)
14Louis-samaSo, this is an interesting story, I'd say that to you. But, here's my suggestion. If you want to describe your characters, please avoid outright telling the readers about how your characters look like. Just like how you describe Hitomi. Instead of telling us that she was small, why don't you show the fact that she was small? Like, instead of writing 'Her name was Hitomi and she was small', try something like 'She was known as Hitomi and compared to the rest, she looked like a midget' or something. Just don't outright state the looks of your characters and instead describing them by comparing your characters with other characters, comparing your characters with things like animals, plants and so on. The possibilities are endless, you see?
But, I guess this is a decent work coming from you, and I wish that you can do something more spectacular than this. I'm looking forward for the next update, but until then, please do your best.
Louis-sama (2014)
6/1/2014 c1 6Kisho
Worked hard on a rewrite, huh, Miko-tan? It's a lot cleaner than it was before, very easy to visualize, and shockingly immediate! Thanks for the read x3
The prologue doesn't give us a lot to go on for the plot, so I can't comment much on that front... I suspect this isn't the last we see of our Bad Park Ladies friends, is it? Knowing what I know from Mikoto in the tourney and from stalking your previous version, she'll probably get shonen-manga-style powerups and end up kicking them around the block once they inevitably antagonize her again -v-
Still, if the girls ran away, I wonder why the police would need backup. Plot point? Or reading too much into things? Who knows xP
Some mechanical English errors here and there but eh. I'd point them out but I recommend just going over it carefully, having a friend with a knack for the language help you if need be, in all your chapters. Regardless, good read cx
6KishoWorked hard on a rewrite, huh, Miko-tan? It's a lot cleaner than it was before, very easy to visualize, and shockingly immediate! Thanks for the read x3
The prologue doesn't give us a lot to go on for the plot, so I can't comment much on that front... I suspect this isn't the last we see of our Bad Park Ladies friends, is it? Knowing what I know from Mikoto in the tourney and from stalking your previous version, she'll probably get shonen-manga-style powerups and end up kicking them around the block once they inevitably antagonize her again -v-
Still, if the girls ran away, I wonder why the police would need backup. Plot point? Or reading too much into things? Who knows xP
Some mechanical English errors here and there but eh. I'd point them out but I recommend just going over it carefully, having a friend with a knack for the language help you if need be, in all your chapters. Regardless, good read cx