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for Taking the Town by Storm

10/8/2014 c5 1elenxji
I freaking love Anna, that snassy bitch. The start goes off rather nice and slow and the end has more of a beat and fun to it.

And hipsters. Everyone. Everyone can laugh at darn hipsters, dudette! I really enjoyed that last tine about the music being to mainstream in the club and the talk about their compost piles. Who likes compost piles? What the fuck is sexy about compost piles?! Silly mans!

Besides that there are a few comma issues, but i didn't see any glaring errors, so good job! I shall return on the next page! *Evil laughter*
9/8/2014 c4 elenxji
Very, very nice! Finally a wonderful update, oh i couldn't be any happier. I love the banter between them and i like the way you explain, while writing as Anna, since.. Well, she's an overly exctatic person and writing characters with "over the top"-personalities - as in over excited - is very hard to accomplish!

I saw a few comma and punctuation errors, and a single spelling error around the end, but it's nothing much. The story is strong enough to carry small errors! And nobodys perfect.

All in all, i loved it and i want more!
More Rail too.
But you know what i think of him.. :D
8/5/2014 c3 elenxji
*Defiantly didn't squeal like a girl when Rail was finally introduced* Oh my gawd, i love him so much already! I started out thinking that "Hey, is Nero Rail?" But then he left and Rail was there and i think i got a girl boner!
I can't stop myself from imagining his voice as a stereotypical, fab and ultra gay guy xD "Liek girlfriend, you needs some new clooothes!" Or something. To much gay TV i blame it upon.

Obviously, Rail was the absolute awesomest part of this chapter, but the rest wasn't bad either. I liked it, we got some nice insight on Neros and Rails personalities!

D'aw no more chapters.. I shall favorite and follow and see you later!
8/5/2014 c2 elenxji
You. Sit still. I have to touch you. *Pats face* I shower upon you, praise from the highest ranks of.. Praise. Yes. The highest ranks of praise is the praise you get. Say it. Say praise again, in your head. It's starting to sound odd, isen't it? :'D

I liked this chapter! I like that she uses the boobiliciousness that all gals have on some unsuspecting, poor fella. Boobs man. They are our bombs.

I also enjoy that she dosn't INSTANTLY do everything right. Like she's actually a "regular" *Cough* Person, who can fail at the things she tries. That's fairly rare! Good job.

Praaaaaise, PRAAAAAISE!
8/5/2014 c1 elenxji
I have to review, both because i want to and because i really want to, problem is. It's so awesome i have nothing real to say, except: Bravo. You've once again pulled me in, to one of your stories. Silly you. Capturing me every time.

The ONLY thing i can see - and i'm still not entirely sure - is that every now and then, there may be missing a comma. It might also just be me who uses commas way to much, but there it is.

I shall be seeing you, next chapter!
7/20/2014 c2 11Tenacious Archangel
I definitely like Anna, yep. She is pretty great. Sort of crazy, but very enjoyable for it. Also, skinny cashier is going to lose his job fingers crossed he joins a gang and becomes my new favorite character.

Anyways, I don't have much to say this chapter? That was a very in depth couple paragraph about the struggle to climb a fire escape, and I thank you for them.
7/20/2014 c1 Tenacious Archangel
Dude, how long was she in jail for? The whole hooker outfit confuses me, as if she was in jail for more than a year you'd totally expect them to have just tossed out her personal clothes. Prisons can't just save every inmates clothes for them until they get out- in this case, you'd expect Eirik to have come inside the prison to pick her up, and bring her her clothes there. Then again, prisons aren't coed and certainly don't allow constant fights, so I can't really nitpick her. This is like one of those magical realism kind of tales or whatever, and I sort of realize I shouldn't be taking it at all seriously.

I like Anna's voice here. She's smart, makes a couple jokes, and generally seems to have personality. It's more personal preference that causes me to be irritated by her need to spend so much of her dialogue on how attractive she is.

There's a lot of run-on-ish sentences, which just seems to be a problem you have, so I'm going to stop bringing it up from now on.

Also how is Anna going to 'make' a drug to take over the city with? Uh anyways I'm pretty happy to read more of this, sort of sad everything you write has like two chapters.
6/24/2014 c2 2lilymarie96
I really like that you'd introduced Nero in the previous chapter and now brought him in in such a way that shows Anna's vulnerability, there on that roof ledge! Nice choice! However, for some weird reason I don't think I remember you mentioning your character's name except for in this author's note, but that could just be me. You might want to work it into conversations a little more so we learn her name :)
Haha, I liked the convenience store part, and showing that she didn't mind stealing and making a show out of it either. I feel like some criminals would just tuck it under their coats, so I like how you showed her personality with that! One thing I noticed about the writing itself was you tend to use passive voice a lot. For example, "Strolling into the convenience store I smiled politely at the cashier. " Passive voice tends to jumble the main point of the sentence and puts the emphasis on something else. This sentence is written in a way that makes readers want to focus on the strolling, when really it should be on conveince store and smiling. You tend to start a lot of your paragraphs with a verb ending in -ing, but just since this was the opening sentence I might chance it to a regular voice: "I strolled into the convience store and gave the cashier a polite smile." I like this so far! I wonder what is going to happen with Nero! You should update again soon. Oh last thing I really like the title of this story as well as the name you used for the town, Balam. Really cool! :)
6/24/2014 c1 lilymarie96
I really like this character already! I especially liked the comment about Jeeves at the end and her hatred towards the stripper heels, I thought that was funny :)
A few things I noticed about the writing were a few run-on sentences, like "Still today is my last day in here since I've been on 'good behaviour' which in Haven means I never started the fights I only finished them." This particular sentence could be broken up like "Still, today is my last day in here since I've been on 'good behavior.' In Haven, that meant I never started the fights; I only finished them." Also, when you mentioned Sarah I think you could have added a little more description there as to what she looked like; was she only of the only other "pretty" girls in the prison, did she have tattoos, look liked she belonged there? I really like the start of this, and look forward to reading more!
6/23/2014 c1 FictionWriter12
You have your characters pretty well developed so far in this chapter. I can't wait to see what's done with them later.
There's only one small error- "Terrorist blew up buildings..."
Everything else is really good with this story.
6/12/2014 c1 2Anne Redwood
This is an awesome idea and you've already built a strong character; well done, it's not easy to do in one chapter. :)

A few comma errors, but nothing too serious. Just remember that a comma is needed towards the beginning of sentences like “Grabbing my purse, I followed…”.

Good luck and I hope this helps. If you want something a little more thorough, send me a message.

Anne
6/9/2014 c1 1OmegaFicPress
It's a pretty interesting premise and I liked the Dark Night reference but I'm confused on the whole gang thing. Is the Heroine a part of the BGTD or something else?
6/2/2014 c1 4CUintheair
This is a strong first chapter. It's not really the type of thing I usually read, but the main character is kind of a hoot in an evil, off-kilter way. You've certainly got my attention. Some of your sentences seem slightly fragmented, a little hard to read. The one that comes to mind is, "Still I had lived here all my life and soon the city will be under my control" Although there is also a tense change in there. Maybe if you change it to, "would be" instead of "will be"
Also, did you say the name of her gang? I know several were named, but I don't think hers was difinitively stated. Unless I missed it, and in that case I apologize.
I really liked this though, and any issues I had with it were minor. I'll definitely read it when you post the next chapter.

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