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6/10/2014 c1 Rosemarie Benson
The only thing I see wrong is you forgot the period at the end of the first sentence. Other than that one thing, I don't see anything I can point out.
6/10/2014 c1 6ArgentanHeart
Opening: I liked the opening. You get really into the sensory detail. It was very effective. I generally don't like collons in writing, but it actually worked here. That being said, structured how it is, "deathly smell of rotting meat" should probably not have the word smell in it if you're going to keep the structure.

Pacing: Your pacing is right on. You have a nice mix of description without slowing down the read. You're active narrator voice is very strong and active. This story is highly highly readable.

Plot: Honestly, it's a very well done story so far, but it doesn't feel like an original story. It's such a short chapter, and it is very enjoyable. It showcases that you are a very talented writer, but it doesn't really feel unique; I've read and watched this scene many times before. I worry that you are positioning yourself to be a re-tred of other stories.

Character: You've done a good job sculpting a good character voice. I like all the subtle elements you wove in to make it feel like he has actually been trapped for hundreds of years with little idiosyncrasies like talking to himself. I do think he is a bit cliche - in so much as, again, this feels like a familiar lead in a familiar story.

In the end, it is a very well executed piece, but I think it needs some sort of flare/differentiator to make it stand out from the many other similar stories. That being said, this is still chapter 1 (and a very short one at that), and you still have time to make the story your own, but you should try to do that sooner than later.

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