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for The Diamond Wielder

7/1/2014 c1 2Anne Redwood
Hey! I love the quote “stressed spelled backwards is desserts.” That’s awesome! I need to remember that during finals next year ;). This is a good start; you capture the reader’s attention without giving too much away.
There are a few sentences that I think you could reword/revise to bring out their full potential. For example, “Everybody was most likely sleeping…”. You could try something like “Most people were still sleeping at this hour, not needing to be awake.” Another one is when she’s thinking about what it’s like after talking with another person. Something like “She tried her best to understand social cues and most people would call her nice, but when she finishes a conversation she feels like she screwed everything up. It wouldn’t surprise her if they went and told their friends what a loser she was.”
One thing I noticed was that you used the word “seemed” a lot. This can be useful, but if it’s over used than there’s quite a bit of uncertainty, which weakens your writing. Be careful with your tenses too. There were a few places were you used present tense. I make this mistake all the time and it’s not always easy to catch. In dialogue, you need a comma before the name of the person who’s being addressed. For example: “You know what, Sami?”
If you have any questions, send me a message. Hope this helps.
Anne
6/26/2014 c1 9Highway Unicorn
Hey! Returning the review since we got caught up in a rule ten situation back in the games!

[Everyone was most likely sleeping as they *most likely* didn't need to wake up for another hour.] I would remove the second "most likely" from this sentence since there is two of them because as it is, it sounds repetitive.

["We should probably start heading home soon, we'll probably just stay at the park for only a few minutes," Sam murmured looking down at her dog who at least looked like he understood what she was saying.] Same thing as above, but this time with "probably." Maybe something like: '"We should head home soon, so we'll probably just stay here for a few minutes," Sam murmured...' or something like that.

[She should definitely *to* get a good sleep tonight, it's not healthy to be this out of it.] "She should definitely *try* to get a good sleep..."

[...and broke into a runs getting into the woods.] "broke into a runs..." sounds weird. "broke into a run," or "starting running..."

["Stressed spelled backwards is desserts."] Omg I will forever remember this now. I didn't realize that before xD

So far, I really like the plot it's unique and quite interesting. I mean, something is obviously up with those dreams Sam is having and I wonder who those spooky people are.

I also like Sam's personality because she seems reasonable, relatable, and not overdone (In other words, she's not mary-sueish.)
6/24/2014 c1 6JustAnotherNewbie
Love the concept, it's original and unusual.

There are lots of tiny errors all over the place, please look into them. They're things like too instead of to and it's instead of its, stuff like that. It would be so much easier to read this if they were fixed.

Next, I didn't really like the fact that all your sentences were so long and run on. It would be more fun to read if some of the sentences were split for variety.
6/22/2014 c1 4Jitterbug Blues
I liked the descriptive nature of the writing; they gave the story a very atmospheric feel, making the story more vivid. I also thought that the suspense was well wriien out; I definitely liked how you made the tension so clear through Lucy's fears and doubts - it made the writing all the more vivid.

However, I felt the writing could have used some tightening, especially when you had the narrator directly mention Lucy's thoughts - that came across as jarring and could have been more cleanly integrated into the story.
6/22/2014 c1 theguywithausername
I liked it a lot. It jumps around some, but it's pretty easy to follow. However, the sentence structure sort of seems like they just run on for a long time with no pauses, and that makes it a bit hard to keep up. I enjoyed the story though.

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