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2/11/2015 c1 Marcus Frazer
This is awesome! You should really continue it!
7/10/2014 c1 7Vladvonbounce
From the roadhouse.
It was definitely engaging. It was a little bit weird but in a good way with Gideon. It is never good when you are hearing voices let alone seeing whole people that no one else can see. I am intrigued to find out more about what is happening exactly. I think this will make for quite a fun story. I also really liked the way she tried to flirt with Cameron to virtually no success. Very relatable.
6/23/2014 c1 13John Beechem
Excellent job with the intro! The dialogue between the characters was easy-going but compelling. I don't know if this is the tone you're going for, but I'm imagining a network dramedy level of realism and quality, kind of like a Buffy or a Castle.

I didn't even realize until I got to the end of your story that it was written in the present-tense, so good job with that!

Okay, so my complaints are all nit-picky things. First off, since nobody sees Gideon except for Stell(a?), I assume she is schizophrenic. No where in the story does she seem impaired or struggle with knowing which of her delusions are real or not real, so this isn't an accurate depiction of the disease BUT if that's not the level of realism you're going for, it's not a big deal. The other possibility is that her imagination is so good, it's kind of an imaginary friend type situation, in which case he could act independently, but Stell would never forget that other people couldn't see her-she'd be like an independent agent of her consciousness.

The next bit that is kind of tricky is the number of named characters in the first chapter. We have Stell, Quinn, Gideon and Cameron, not to mention those ancillary characters and all the references to Harry Potter characters, parents, etc. That's a lot for the intro to a story, but it is manageable. Perhaps cut out those extras or just don't call them by name.

This story is also over-flowing with pop-cultural references. Not that that's necessarily a problem, but it is a pet-peeve of mine, especially the licensed properties like Harry Potter. That's a LOT of Harry Potter thrown in, and I suppose it's such a ubiquitous part of our culture J.K. Rowling wouldn't mind, but that's up to you. The Stacy's Mom bit was funny too, but unless you're a pop-culture maven like we both are, that might sail over peoples heads, especially people over 40.

But like I said, this is an excellent beginning and those are only nitpicks. If I were to make any changes, it would be to clarify Gideon's relationship to reality (more imaginary friend than hallucination), cut-down or eliminate all the pop-cultural references, trim down the cast, and that's about it. The rest is good to go.

I found this story in the Roadhouse. If you'd like to review one of mine, my newest one is "To Yellow Fever", the working title for a steampunk noir thriller. Would love a review. Also looking forward to checking out your writer's website. Mine is americanfanastic dot com. Thanks :-)
6/22/2014 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
...This is very different from what you usually write :D It's younger, I think? And it seems far more headed into the various categories of 'bildungsroman', 'romance' or just everything in between. I'm definitely intrigued, because I've always enjoyed coming of age stories, and stories where someone sees something that might be there but isn't ...fascinate me too. But back to the tone :D

I think this is really refreshingly contemporary? It's not too over the top, but as someone who's been around the HP craze, I definitely enjoyed the little references. I also enjoyed how you mentioned James Franco - it makes the story seem very modern :3 I think it's nice to see that your characters actually sound like teenagers - not too bratty, but not all too adult either. Just right in between :3 I especially appreciate that you're dealing with outcasts too - it makes Stella and Quinn seem more relatable?

I definitely like Quinn. At the beginning, he had my eyes rolling with his fitness crazy, but I can see he's a great friend now, and I like that he's so supportive of Stella. What I also like is that he comes across as very smart, without being the cliche gay best friend. Haha, I actually just enjoy that you have chosen to introduce such dynamics into the story - I don't think I've seen a girl and her gay best friend outside of slash fic for a while :3

I like Stella. She's clever, but not too clever or too wise for her years. She still comes across as a teenage girl who wants to have crushes and have fun :3 What I enjoy is her awkwardness, especially around guys. I can definitely relate to that.

Oh I like Gideon :D I'm not sure what's up with him, but I'm intrigued :D
6/22/2014 c1 5XxLoveMakesTheWorldGoRoundxX
In general! I feel that it was great and very well written some lines I felt went on a tangent longer than necessary such as in the first paragraph and when she was looking the mirror she went into a 2D demension, but that might be because my first language is Spanish so I might not be the best for grammar errors.

One of the best things you did were descriptions of the characters such as the appearance and backstory, you did it in a way where you made it blend it naturally rather than spouting out a bunch of facts for the reader, so keep doing that

The only thing I'm confused about is...is Gideon real or a figment of her imagination?

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