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for Echoing pain

8/25/2014 c2 1KaioM
The characters are developing faster than I thought they would. I like how much I, as a reader, get to know them in such a short amount of time. It's kind of raw, the way they act.
I'm a bit confused about a little bit of this; just silly stuff that haunts me, such as 'how did they meet' 'what is hell like in depth since it cannot be just the lave pits hell' 'are any other demons rushing around' etc.
Sorry that I'm not much of a help... I tried my best to better your writing, even if all I feel needs to be improved is the grammar!
Thanks for writing.
8/25/2014 c1 KaioM
The emotions in this are so... For lack of better word, pure. I almost feel like I'm standing there.
Some grammar issues were evident, but nothing big, and the honest quality of this writing pretty much erased the usual distaste I have for bad grammar.
First time reading a gay pairing; not afraid to admit that. But, I mean, I LIKED it so much, and, weirdly enough, that's surprising to me. This is compelling beyond belief.
Since this is the first chapter, that's all I have to say about it; I haven't read enough to fully judge it yet. Good work!
8/1/2014 c1 3F.K.Pierce
I love reading stories about angels and demons so I was really excited to read this one. YOu asked me to focus on your characters which I think are off to a good start. For Lucifer his constant wondering if his lovers are going to leave him gets a bit repetitive. I think you should add more "rules" about what powers or abilities angels like him have. I think its rather strange that he can get addicted to a heroin. It would be more interesting if it was something that only angels could get addicted to, but doesn't effect humans. I don't like his nickname being Lucy. It reminds me too much of the supernatural tv series, but that's a personal preference.
The lovers are starting to be differentiated, but it could always use more. It can be tricky to make a story like this because the lovers need to all offer Lucifer very different things.
You didn't give Oscar a physical description. I like him best though. He seems very caring and good influence on Lucifer.
Rook I would have mentioned at the end of chapter one that he was Haitian and a bit about his description. I like his accent but it can be hard to read. Also you switched view points at the end of chapter 1 and that was confusing.
I really dont like Neko. Compared to Rook and Oscar I dont see what Lucifer sees in him. I get hes a bit more feisty than the others, but he comes across as rude, annoying and Lucifer is nothing but a burden to him. Soften him up a bit or explain that the worse the bitching the more affectionate Neko is trying to be. I wouldn't make his eyes green,because that's almost impossible for a Japanese person to have green eyes. A color like blue, hazel or amber could be just as dramatic.
Also they way you worded a few things could really alienate your readers like "Nobody could ever love an ugly person" and "regular tan skin". I would definitely consider re wording those phrases.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. You portray emotion and attachment well.
7/27/2014 c1 L. F. Bartley
This story has a really interesting idea behind it, but that's the only thing it's really got going for it. Nothing really "grabs" my attention in the beginning. The lack of this, makes it hard for the reader to focus. There are a few grammatical errors in the text. The author is not manipulating the language to get his point across, making it hard to read at times. The story seems to focus around the character Lucifer and could benefit greatly from changing the perspective from third person to first person. Finally got to the end, but I don't see the point? No conflict. No climax. Just Lucifer whining about how much pain he's in. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, this story requires A LOT of work. Definitely going to need a Chapter 2 to explain what I just read.

On a scale from happy to angry, you get a frowney face. :(
7/22/2014 c1 3DeviouslyDifferent
Well that was not what I expected when I saw the word Lucifer. I'm always pumped for a vicious overlord but I kind of like your "Lucy" he's not what I expected.

Overall I was surprised and delighted by the emotional content of your story. There were a few things that kind of three me for a loop. First the fact the lucifer told his lovers who he is seems like you good have used that as really good story material. Like even just them being confused and having him explain his life. Would give you huge story writing potential. It gives you a chance to show the bonds between partners rather than just explaining them.

I'd also make your paragraphs a bit shorter to make the 8000 words seem less daunting. Huge walls of text always make it a little bit terrifying. Also some how you use the word din instead of door a couple times.

I really find the nickname "Lucy" really distracting. It seems really feminine for Satan. It really bothered me. Probably more than necessary. But it just seems inappropriate. Especially from Neko. Neko swears at him so the use of Lucy seems really out of character. It's to intimate for an emotionally distant character.

I got slightly confused when you say that he has three brothers and three lovers. Some times it sounds like the brothers are his lovers and his lovers are his brothers. I don't know if you were intentionally going for that sort of confusion but it got really confusing in places. Even just changing his number of lovers or siblings would make this clearer.

You have a solid foundation for your story. Please continue. It's nice to see lucifer in a different light than beastly devil.

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