for The Collectors12/6/2014 c5 
838Jave Harron
Okay, you start off a very interesting opening here with the cast, and I'm liking the new characters you've introduced. Of course, the sinister implications of a lust ritual as some kind of magical drug would be a point Chen might think of... Just thinking out loud here.
838Jave HarronOkay, you start off a very interesting opening here with the cast, and I'm liking the new characters you've introduced. Of course, the sinister implications of a lust ritual as some kind of magical drug would be a point Chen might think of... Just thinking out loud here.
12/6/2014 c2 Jave Harron
Okay, I think you're off to a fairly solid intro for your story. It's always a pleasure to read a non-white protagonist that's well written and believable. The dialogue is fairly well executed, given that each character introduced so far has a distinct narrative voice so far. One issue I'm reading is there's not much description of the scene, with little in the way of metaphors or similes or similar descriptive language. That said, that's largely just how I write and generally like stuff :P Liking your story, though.
Okay, I think you're off to a fairly solid intro for your story. It's always a pleasure to read a non-white protagonist that's well written and believable. The dialogue is fairly well executed, given that each character introduced so far has a distinct narrative voice so far. One issue I'm reading is there's not much description of the scene, with little in the way of metaphors or similes or similar descriptive language. That said, that's largely just how I write and generally like stuff :P Liking your story, though.
8/7/2014 c2 3F.K.Pierce
Grammar mistakes but i saw your other reviewers comment on that so I'll move on. I think this story has really great potential. It needs more emotion. You have some body language but if the reader got more insight into Chen's thoughts and feeling I think it would be much better.
Andy says "I'll explain everything later." a lot. This is one of my pet peeves. Either explain it or just give hints as you go. Don't repetitively stat that "everything will be explained".
There's a few discrepancies between chapter 1 and 2. Chapter 1 Andy explains that she will get a bracelet but Chapter 2 Chen acts like she doesn't know what Andy is talking about. The whole paragraph where she gets her bracelet is anti climatic. Is there a wired tingle, a giant explosion, a sharp pain. It needs something to spruce it up.
This is just personal preference, but what if the sign that she is a collector is something other than a bracelet? Maybe she goes through a more physical transition? Or it's a tattoo (could be invisible to regular humans). That is a more personal preference thing. Bracelets just seems a bit more common. Oh what about a kick ass sword? i'm not sure how violent these Collectors are.
The part where Emily just jumps into Andy's lap is abrupt. It just doesn't flow with the story. Unless Lynxs are just very physical and have an intense attraction to Collectors.
Overall, very interesting baseline. It just needs to be beefed up. I'm curious as to what the Collectors actually "collect" and why it is significant.
3F.K.PierceGrammar mistakes but i saw your other reviewers comment on that so I'll move on. I think this story has really great potential. It needs more emotion. You have some body language but if the reader got more insight into Chen's thoughts and feeling I think it would be much better.
Andy says "I'll explain everything later." a lot. This is one of my pet peeves. Either explain it or just give hints as you go. Don't repetitively stat that "everything will be explained".
There's a few discrepancies between chapter 1 and 2. Chapter 1 Andy explains that she will get a bracelet but Chapter 2 Chen acts like she doesn't know what Andy is talking about. The whole paragraph where she gets her bracelet is anti climatic. Is there a wired tingle, a giant explosion, a sharp pain. It needs something to spruce it up.
This is just personal preference, but what if the sign that she is a collector is something other than a bracelet? Maybe she goes through a more physical transition? Or it's a tattoo (could be invisible to regular humans). That is a more personal preference thing. Bracelets just seems a bit more common. Oh what about a kick ass sword? i'm not sure how violent these Collectors are.
The part where Emily just jumps into Andy's lap is abrupt. It just doesn't flow with the story. Unless Lynxs are just very physical and have an intense attraction to Collectors.
Overall, very interesting baseline. It just needs to be beefed up. I'm curious as to what the Collectors actually "collect" and why it is significant.
8/2/2014 c2 L. F. Bartley
I am really liking where this story is going. Keep writing it! I will be subscribing to it in anticipation of the next chapter.
That being said, a few things to note here. Again, as in the previous chapter, this one needs to be proofread. Some grammar, words missing, etc. I just felt that the moments prior to Emily's transformation lacked something. I thought for sure she would have said, "Cool bracelet" or something like that rather than blurt out "Oh...you're a Collector?" You could've had a lot more fun with that part, getting her to mess with Chen and Andy. Also, your choice to get through Emily's transformation quickly and not adding a lot of detail is a lost opportunity for dramatic effect and suspense. At the end, you forgot to make Emily put her clothes back on, so all the while she's talking to Chen, she's nekkid!
On a scale of happy to angry, you get the "Not Bad" rage comics face.
I am really liking where this story is going. Keep writing it! I will be subscribing to it in anticipation of the next chapter.
That being said, a few things to note here. Again, as in the previous chapter, this one needs to be proofread. Some grammar, words missing, etc. I just felt that the moments prior to Emily's transformation lacked something. I thought for sure she would have said, "Cool bracelet" or something like that rather than blurt out "Oh...you're a Collector?" You could've had a lot more fun with that part, getting her to mess with Chen and Andy. Also, your choice to get through Emily's transformation quickly and not adding a lot of detail is a lost opportunity for dramatic effect and suspense. At the end, you forgot to make Emily put her clothes back on, so all the while she's talking to Chen, she's nekkid!
On a scale of happy to angry, you get the "Not Bad" rage comics face.
7/31/2014 c1 L. F. Bartley
The Good:
This story is very easy to read. I'm intrigued and want to read Chapter 2. You left just enough mystery by the end of the chapter to make me want to find out what happens. Scenes are realistic, which I'm a fan of. All around, good job.
The Bad:
Some language can be moved around to make the story flow easier, but the story is very readable as is. Transitions in time are not easy to discern. Suggest putting in a line or something. The usual punctuation errors with a few grammar tossed in. Nothing a little proofreading wouldn't fix.
The Ugly:
On a scale of happy to angry, you get a smiley face. :)
The Good:
This story is very easy to read. I'm intrigued and want to read Chapter 2. You left just enough mystery by the end of the chapter to make me want to find out what happens. Scenes are realistic, which I'm a fan of. All around, good job.
The Bad:
Some language can be moved around to make the story flow easier, but the story is very readable as is. Transitions in time are not easy to discern. Suggest putting in a line or something. The usual punctuation errors with a few grammar tossed in. Nothing a little proofreading wouldn't fix.
The Ugly:
On a scale of happy to angry, you get a smiley face. :)
7/23/2014 c2 1PIK
Whoa! The story jumps right into the whole supernatural stuff, I like it. I also like the fact that Emily is a supernatural, I wasn't expecting that.
Now, on the grammar subject:
On the sentence "Well...I mean, aren't I you friend?" there should be an 'r' on the 'you'
I think you forgot to put a word in the sentence "...Its a weird tradition I know, but it to do with the fact..." it would make more sense if it were "...It's a weird tradition I know, but it has to do with the fact..." adding a 'has' in the sentence.
I've noted you've neglected to put an apostrophe on the word 'it's' a few times on this and the previous chapter. For example; on the sentence 'its stuck on her wrist' you should add an apostrophe on the 'its' , since 'it's' means 'it is'.
Other than that, I didn't notice any orthographic or grammar errors.
1PIKWhoa! The story jumps right into the whole supernatural stuff, I like it. I also like the fact that Emily is a supernatural, I wasn't expecting that.
Now, on the grammar subject:
On the sentence "Well...I mean, aren't I you friend?" there should be an 'r' on the 'you'
I think you forgot to put a word in the sentence "...Its a weird tradition I know, but it to do with the fact..." it would make more sense if it were "...It's a weird tradition I know, but it has to do with the fact..." adding a 'has' in the sentence.
I've noted you've neglected to put an apostrophe on the word 'it's' a few times on this and the previous chapter. For example; on the sentence 'its stuck on her wrist' you should add an apostrophe on the 'its' , since 'it's' means 'it is'.
Other than that, I didn't notice any orthographic or grammar errors.
7/23/2014 c1 PIK
Your story interests me, the whole idea seems really unique. I also like how fast paced it is, I've always preferred stories like that. Really curious about what being a 'Collector' means.
Your story interests me, the whole idea seems really unique. I also like how fast paced it is, I've always preferred stories like that. Really curious about what being a 'Collector' means.
7/17/2014 c2 11Literastiel
Well, that was quick. The pace of the conversation seemed to move much faster than I imagined it would. The Supernatural isn't an easy to topic to suddenly follow, but if she's an avid reader of Young Adult Fiction I suppose it would be less of a shock than if she weren't. Still, 'You're a Supernatural' is a bit more of a bombshell than that, perhaps? I do like the idea of these charms though and I'm curious to see how you'll incorporate such a theme. Your style flows well, but I feel it lacks depth in description, actions and, though they are the bane of my existence, adverbs are something I would consider. Still, it seems to flow rather well and has piqued my interests. I look forward to the next instalment.
11LiterastielWell, that was quick. The pace of the conversation seemed to move much faster than I imagined it would. The Supernatural isn't an easy to topic to suddenly follow, but if she's an avid reader of Young Adult Fiction I suppose it would be less of a shock than if she weren't. Still, 'You're a Supernatural' is a bit more of a bombshell than that, perhaps? I do like the idea of these charms though and I'm curious to see how you'll incorporate such a theme. Your style flows well, but I feel it lacks depth in description, actions and, though they are the bane of my existence, adverbs are something I would consider. Still, it seems to flow rather well and has piqued my interests. I look forward to the next instalment.
7/17/2014 c1 Literastiel
Interesting. I like how you've very quickly established Chen's character and that the plot is clearly on the verge of its beginning without a drawn out intro. The comparison between Chen and Emily and the comparison between Chen and Andy voided the need for in-depth description of either physical attributes or personality traits. Use of rhetoric keeps the reader's mind interested. Interesting choice to have the narrative in present tense, I usually find that harder to do, but you've used it well.
Interesting. I like how you've very quickly established Chen's character and that the plot is clearly on the verge of its beginning without a drawn out intro. The comparison between Chen and Emily and the comparison between Chen and Andy voided the need for in-depth description of either physical attributes or personality traits. Use of rhetoric keeps the reader's mind interested. Interesting choice to have the narrative in present tense, I usually find that harder to do, but you've used it well.
7/12/2014 c1 1Kokonus
Except some quirky pieces I like it, not to mention that Im curieus about those "collectors"
One small thing though, I noticed its in bold letter wich I personally do not like too much.
although if you insist on keeping it I wont say it again.
I hope you will continue this, I always like "whacky" stories.
1KokonusExcept some quirky pieces I like it, not to mention that Im curieus about those "collectors"
One small thing though, I noticed its in bold letter wich I personally do not like too much.
although if you insist on keeping it I wont say it again.
I hope you will continue this, I always like "whacky" stories.