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for Black Rose

8/6/2014 c1 2lilymarie96
Ooo I really like the start of this! The rose was very mysterious and I like how we can tell your character is from New York because of her love of fashion, willingness to go out to clubs, fake ID etc. This was also very well written in people's reactions and little details you've included!
8/5/2014 c2 Little Moffat
Oh and I'm glad I finally get why it is called "Black Rose". I liked it again, still a few grammar issues, but nothing major. I think you are heading somewhere great with this.
8/3/2014 c1 Little Moffat
I like it so far. A few grammar problems, nothing major. I would expand on the house definitely and maybe on the plane ride and the neighborhood, just to give it a little more. Other than that I really enjoyed it.
7/23/2014 c2 7Tando88
Well, this took a turn for the unexpected. The content became much more mature much faster than I'd imagined, but the way its played off here is somewhat juvenile (hooking up after only a couple of beers, her deciding to leave the bar with him in the first place even if they've only just met, etc.). The mystery with the black roses does intrigue me though, even if so far Lance himself is not a character I find myself interested in. Another thing is that in this chapter while I understand you're trying to establish Lance's character, you leave little room for developing Lindsay physically or otherwise (I just noticed this because in the beginning of the chapter you have three lines dedicated to describing Lance's attractiveness, physique, and choice of clothing while I, the reader have no idea what Lindsay looks like or what her sense of fashion is other than she's tall, blond, and has green eyes). Also, in the short time you've established Lance, I'm getting a very stereotypical "bad boy" sense out of him (his underage drinking, motorcycle, dark clothes, tattoo, etc.). If this is intentional, I hope the payoff will be worth it, but if you're going to play their romance straight, I can't see myself rooting for them as a couple. In conclusion, the chapter was alright, I understand that "middle" or "filler" chapters can be less exciting because they have to establish plot and characters, so the best advice I could give is to make the dialogue less straight-laced (maybe Lindsay has some funny stories to tell about NY, and maybe Lance could open up a little more seeing as how we know nothing about him at this point). As for other points, the most I can do right now is speculate. I do hope you continue the story because there certainly is potential here.
7/23/2014 c1 Tando88
Your first chapter is very intriguing to say the least. There's a lot to establish in this first chapter, and you executed that fairly well. Some parts did however feel a little disjointed (for example, there's a line break between Lindsay traveling to the bar and not her family traveling from New York to their new home in Louisiana). Also, be aware of the "protagonist moves to a new place to start a new life" trope being used here, along with the fact that reading the style the chapter is written in reminds me of various tween fiction novels aimed at a female audience (see Boys vs. Girls, The Secret Garden, Twilight, Avalon: Web of Magic, etc.). In conclusion, its hard to base an entire story on its first chapter, but I'd say this story is off to a fair start.

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