for Scythe8/3/2014 c2 
9faerie-gumdrops
Haha, so I think when I read the first chapter, I for some reason thought it was a one-shot? I…have no idea why. But I’m really sorry if my review was a bit weird because of it! But ho hum, now I know (and sorry again!).
- Opening
Your opening was sort of different, linking to the little disclaimer at the end of the last chapter. I think it was a bit of an odd way to put us back in the mood of what’s going on, and what she’s talking about (with the focus on the present, as opposed to the main story being told), but like in a good way? And I haven’t read anything in this format for /ages/ so I like how you remind us of your unique sort of storytelling style in this. Also, by drawing us more towards the present, I like how you’re making us wonder a little more about what’s actually going on *now*. It’s fun because, besides Oda’s obvious anger at what’s going on, there are very little actual details on the present given the storytelling format. If Oda went on a little more about what’s going on, and why they’re making her do this, they’d probably make her stop writing. So um, yeah, I like the sort of mystery you’ve got going on, with us knowing that certain details are being held back from us.
- Dialogue/Relationships
I thought our first glimpse at Oda/Death was really cool. I like how she sort of needs someone to look after, now that her brother’s gone. She’s all on her own, and the first thing she does when she sees him being all sad and cute and cry-y is go over and help. She’s a tough girl in this gritty sort of world, but I like this soft side to her. It must be awful for her to be on her own at the moment (although she does have Puck!). I love how the dialogue was sort of awkward and cute, despite everything, like with her mentioning that her voice was so inappropriately bright that she could have given him a thumbs up. Bless. I love the awkward sort of humour to it too – how it brightens up an otherwise quite dark atmosphere.
- Characters
I sort of love that Death is a gawky ginger. Partly because red hair is lovely and gorgeous and all such things, but also because it’s put a new sort of spin on the death incarnate thing. As Oda says, it’s quite typical to hear of him as a tall dark and handsome, or blond hair blue eyes type. This death is scared and confused and interesting. Also, he seems to have no idea what’s actually going on. Seeing him so vulnerable and literally naked made me want to reach out and cuddle him.
- Plot
The Oda/Death thing is very fun. I like how we know that she’s now a little resentful towards him, so immediately we’re wondering how their relationship developed, and what happened, and how Oda got to the place (literally and emotionally) where she is now. Also, hehe, we know that she sees him naked more than once, which is always nice o.O. As I’ve said, I love the technique you’re using, how we’ve got both the past and the present plot to worry and wonder about. So far, I think you’ve handled the storytelling really well, with the past story told much more literally, and the present told through like the anger in Oda’s writing, as well as little tidbits like the fact that the person controlling her at the moment is a woman.
9faerie-gumdropsHaha, so I think when I read the first chapter, I for some reason thought it was a one-shot? I…have no idea why. But I’m really sorry if my review was a bit weird because of it! But ho hum, now I know (and sorry again!).
- Opening
Your opening was sort of different, linking to the little disclaimer at the end of the last chapter. I think it was a bit of an odd way to put us back in the mood of what’s going on, and what she’s talking about (with the focus on the present, as opposed to the main story being told), but like in a good way? And I haven’t read anything in this format for /ages/ so I like how you remind us of your unique sort of storytelling style in this. Also, by drawing us more towards the present, I like how you’re making us wonder a little more about what’s actually going on *now*. It’s fun because, besides Oda’s obvious anger at what’s going on, there are very little actual details on the present given the storytelling format. If Oda went on a little more about what’s going on, and why they’re making her do this, they’d probably make her stop writing. So um, yeah, I like the sort of mystery you’ve got going on, with us knowing that certain details are being held back from us.
- Dialogue/Relationships
I thought our first glimpse at Oda/Death was really cool. I like how she sort of needs someone to look after, now that her brother’s gone. She’s all on her own, and the first thing she does when she sees him being all sad and cute and cry-y is go over and help. She’s a tough girl in this gritty sort of world, but I like this soft side to her. It must be awful for her to be on her own at the moment (although she does have Puck!). I love how the dialogue was sort of awkward and cute, despite everything, like with her mentioning that her voice was so inappropriately bright that she could have given him a thumbs up. Bless. I love the awkward sort of humour to it too – how it brightens up an otherwise quite dark atmosphere.
- Characters
I sort of love that Death is a gawky ginger. Partly because red hair is lovely and gorgeous and all such things, but also because it’s put a new sort of spin on the death incarnate thing. As Oda says, it’s quite typical to hear of him as a tall dark and handsome, or blond hair blue eyes type. This death is scared and confused and interesting. Also, he seems to have no idea what’s actually going on. Seeing him so vulnerable and literally naked made me want to reach out and cuddle him.
- Plot
The Oda/Death thing is very fun. I like how we know that she’s now a little resentful towards him, so immediately we’re wondering how their relationship developed, and what happened, and how Oda got to the place (literally and emotionally) where she is now. Also, hehe, we know that she sees him naked more than once, which is always nice o.O. As I’ve said, I love the technique you’re using, how we’ve got both the past and the present plot to worry and wonder about. So far, I think you’ve handled the storytelling really well, with the past story told much more literally, and the present told through like the anger in Oda’s writing, as well as little tidbits like the fact that the person controlling her at the moment is a woman.
7/31/2014 c1 12Deedee Elle
Hi from RG. I like the style you write in with techniques such as underlining and breaking off mid sentence. It very convincingly sets up the scenario that the narrator is writing under duress and adds a dimension to the first person narrative.
I also like how you drop in hints about Oda's situation such as the mention of her jaw being sore to imply that she's being mistreated rather than having to say it outright. You convey a lot of background information so the reader is able to piece together some idea of what has happened through the chapter but it never feels laboured or expositional because the writing is very direct. We learn that there has been some sort of zombie uprising but the ritual suggests that there is more going on under the surface than simply the dead rising. I think the use of short sentences works well here as it does correspond with the idea of someone writing under duress or with a limited amount of time. Oda comes across as very courageous (despite her admission that she ran like fuck) and is an interesting protagonist, defiant yet able to admit her vulnerability. It's a really strong opening chapter.
12Deedee ElleHi from RG. I like the style you write in with techniques such as underlining and breaking off mid sentence. It very convincingly sets up the scenario that the narrator is writing under duress and adds a dimension to the first person narrative.
I also like how you drop in hints about Oda's situation such as the mention of her jaw being sore to imply that she's being mistreated rather than having to say it outright. You convey a lot of background information so the reader is able to piece together some idea of what has happened through the chapter but it never feels laboured or expositional because the writing is very direct. We learn that there has been some sort of zombie uprising but the ritual suggests that there is more going on under the surface than simply the dead rising. I think the use of short sentences works well here as it does correspond with the idea of someone writing under duress or with a limited amount of time. Oda comes across as very courageous (despite her admission that she ran like fuck) and is an interesting protagonist, defiant yet able to admit her vulnerability. It's a really strong opening chapter.
7/31/2014 c4 Hedonistic Opportunist
I come into this chapter a bit sicker and fainter usually, but I’ll still try to give you justice, because you’re awesomesauce and you deserve to get the reviews you give us :3
Technique/Writing: I’m a bit saddened that some readers don’t get your writing techniques, like ending a sentence abruptly because it signifies a break or Oda’s being interrupted or really just swallowing what she’d just written? I think it’s totally fine for writing to have more than several layers, and it’s the fact that you’re not afraid to show that *something* is going on with your prose that I really admire. But anyhow: what will always pull me into your story, and what I noticed about this chapter in particular is how emotional your writing manages to be through your various use of instances to hint at feelings. There’s aggression which you show by underling some words and emphasising a point, but it’s also there when you use profanity to make clear just how embittered Oda is. There’s horror and mortification when you go into detailed explanations as to just how horrifying this world is, little details like brain bits stuck to a shovel or Oda shooting her brother dead. There’s also denial in all the indirect and direct ways Oda refuses to communicate her feelings, the way she always repeats that ‘she will not go there’, or she doesn’t end a statement, but instead just ends it with another tangent. So your writing is multi-layered, which I think conveys it with a lot of complexity that makes it a very fulfilling read. What I like about this chapter too is how it manages to seamlessly combine the past with the present, by making the tenses flow in together seamlessly: you do it through a clever combination of directly addressing the captors, and thus avoid common clichés like flashbacks or bits highlighted in italics. I really like that, because it makes your writing fresh, but also shows how good you are at mixing various points of time together while making it look very easy. I also like how you manage to keep the first person prose utterly accessible, by avoiding to make it too detailed, but also keeping it from being too simplistic by not having this fade away into interior monologue. You never forget that she’s addressing her captors, since you know she isn’t telling you everything.
Plot: What I really like about this chapter is how it further delves into the relationship between Oda and Knox: you get to know how he got his name, and you also sense that their connection, perhaps, runs deeper than Oda might have hinted at before :D. I get the point that Oda is telling us a lot of things, and yet she’s not telling us much at all: she jumps between events, seeming to change narrative as she seems to see it fit. That’s how we go from her taking Knox into her home, back to briefly thinking back to their first meeting in the graveyard, where something moved her. Haha, it seems far more complex than it actually is, since you do tell the story more or less chronically, but keep a level of intricacy because of how Oda jumps from one loop to another: which makes sense given that this a narrative told from the first person POV through a series of entries. But I like that – no I love it – because it keeps the reader on their toes, trying to figure out if Oda is really telling the truth this time, OR at the very least, seeing new hints and fleshing-outs of characters and themes that weren’t so fleshed out in the previous chapters. What I really liked about this chapter is that it hammered home how briefly everything happened: it’s really a story that can’t have happened during a large period of time, but less than a year perhaps? It’s all too direct, I think: Oda hints that she didn’t meet Knox too long after her parents and brother’s death, and it’s also clear that her parents were still alive after the Fall. It’s also obvious that while Oda is in captivity, she’s not been there for too long, maybe? There’s still something vivid about her recollections of a certain wedding, or recollecting the first two months after the Fall. As much as she tries to hide it, there’s still emotional engagement there, there’s still a hint of this being all very fresh to her. Haha, I’m rambling, but I also really enjoyed the segment about Knox and her interacting in her house. You can tell there is some relationship-building going on there, and I like how this relationship-building is an integral part of the plot. I can’t help wondering just what their connection is.
Scene: My favourite part of this chapter was probably the scene with Oda in her house, Knox being in another bedroom and her just freaking out and trying to figure out what to do. It was hilarious how she referenced to this in the present, stating that her captors would have liked seeing her this *weak*. I think it shows just how much Oda has grown in the past few months (because of the horrid torture you refer to, the way she’s already been broken by her captors?). Anyhow, I just liked how this scene showed us a glimpse of how young Oda still was then, and how devastated she was by the loss of her brother. I think, as I mentioned in the first chapter, it’s creepy of her to be hearing his voice in her head, but as the scene implied, she was really doing it as a surviving mechanism. She had just lost him, and was dealing with a total stranger. I also like how she references to Puck being one of the few things that kept her sane as well. I liked how this scene flowed well into the other one that I’m going to address now: the bedroom (LOL) scene between Knox and Oda. I think it was a funny scene, because of how Knox asked Oda to choose a name for him, but then went all LOLwhut when she chose random ones. I think it was a light-hearted moment that gave us a bit of a break from the all the angst otherwise (and also made them see each other differently). Before that, I really liked how she kept asking if he was Death, and then said she’d support him if he had the Powers. It was interesting, because it showed that she’s not angry at him, and that she does feel something for him. Anyhow, I liked that little moment between them in the scene – because of the quiet tension, and how Oda makes it clear that it meant something.
Relationship: Given that I’ve already discussed Oda and Knox so much in the previous section, I’ll just discuss them here now. I wanted to discuss Oda more herself, but I think what I’m going to say about her in this chapter, pretty much flows in with Knox too. So, I feel that Oda is definitely intrigued by Knox too, not only because he’s Death or because he’s the first person she met after losing her brother; there are many hints that she is attracted to him – not sexually, per se, just drawn to his behaviour (which is calm, nearly eerily so). I think she denied in the previous chapters, but in this chapter, it’s clear that she doesn’t hate him at all, and that she was at the very least, drawn to help him because of his fragility during that graveyard. It excites me, I have to say, because I’m not sure whether she wants to defeat him or help him or whether she’s angry and confused :P It’s fun trying to figure it out. What I definitely like about Knox is that it’s undeniable to say that he’s attracted to her: it might not be romantic at all, but you can tell that he’s intrigued or maybe even baffled by her antics. He knows she could kill him, but she doesn’t, and I’m wondering if he’s teasing her by hanging around, or whether he’s doing it because he himself needs her. I think there are various ways you could see it. I definitely think that there’s something between them, and that this is something is very tense, weird at times, but also interesting to read about because there are just so many ways you can see it.
I come into this chapter a bit sicker and fainter usually, but I’ll still try to give you justice, because you’re awesomesauce and you deserve to get the reviews you give us :3
Technique/Writing: I’m a bit saddened that some readers don’t get your writing techniques, like ending a sentence abruptly because it signifies a break or Oda’s being interrupted or really just swallowing what she’d just written? I think it’s totally fine for writing to have more than several layers, and it’s the fact that you’re not afraid to show that *something* is going on with your prose that I really admire. But anyhow: what will always pull me into your story, and what I noticed about this chapter in particular is how emotional your writing manages to be through your various use of instances to hint at feelings. There’s aggression which you show by underling some words and emphasising a point, but it’s also there when you use profanity to make clear just how embittered Oda is. There’s horror and mortification when you go into detailed explanations as to just how horrifying this world is, little details like brain bits stuck to a shovel or Oda shooting her brother dead. There’s also denial in all the indirect and direct ways Oda refuses to communicate her feelings, the way she always repeats that ‘she will not go there’, or she doesn’t end a statement, but instead just ends it with another tangent. So your writing is multi-layered, which I think conveys it with a lot of complexity that makes it a very fulfilling read. What I like about this chapter too is how it manages to seamlessly combine the past with the present, by making the tenses flow in together seamlessly: you do it through a clever combination of directly addressing the captors, and thus avoid common clichés like flashbacks or bits highlighted in italics. I really like that, because it makes your writing fresh, but also shows how good you are at mixing various points of time together while making it look very easy. I also like how you manage to keep the first person prose utterly accessible, by avoiding to make it too detailed, but also keeping it from being too simplistic by not having this fade away into interior monologue. You never forget that she’s addressing her captors, since you know she isn’t telling you everything.
Plot: What I really like about this chapter is how it further delves into the relationship between Oda and Knox: you get to know how he got his name, and you also sense that their connection, perhaps, runs deeper than Oda might have hinted at before :D. I get the point that Oda is telling us a lot of things, and yet she’s not telling us much at all: she jumps between events, seeming to change narrative as she seems to see it fit. That’s how we go from her taking Knox into her home, back to briefly thinking back to their first meeting in the graveyard, where something moved her. Haha, it seems far more complex than it actually is, since you do tell the story more or less chronically, but keep a level of intricacy because of how Oda jumps from one loop to another: which makes sense given that this a narrative told from the first person POV through a series of entries. But I like that – no I love it – because it keeps the reader on their toes, trying to figure out if Oda is really telling the truth this time, OR at the very least, seeing new hints and fleshing-outs of characters and themes that weren’t so fleshed out in the previous chapters. What I really liked about this chapter is that it hammered home how briefly everything happened: it’s really a story that can’t have happened during a large period of time, but less than a year perhaps? It’s all too direct, I think: Oda hints that she didn’t meet Knox too long after her parents and brother’s death, and it’s also clear that her parents were still alive after the Fall. It’s also obvious that while Oda is in captivity, she’s not been there for too long, maybe? There’s still something vivid about her recollections of a certain wedding, or recollecting the first two months after the Fall. As much as she tries to hide it, there’s still emotional engagement there, there’s still a hint of this being all very fresh to her. Haha, I’m rambling, but I also really enjoyed the segment about Knox and her interacting in her house. You can tell there is some relationship-building going on there, and I like how this relationship-building is an integral part of the plot. I can’t help wondering just what their connection is.
Scene: My favourite part of this chapter was probably the scene with Oda in her house, Knox being in another bedroom and her just freaking out and trying to figure out what to do. It was hilarious how she referenced to this in the present, stating that her captors would have liked seeing her this *weak*. I think it shows just how much Oda has grown in the past few months (because of the horrid torture you refer to, the way she’s already been broken by her captors?). Anyhow, I just liked how this scene showed us a glimpse of how young Oda still was then, and how devastated she was by the loss of her brother. I think, as I mentioned in the first chapter, it’s creepy of her to be hearing his voice in her head, but as the scene implied, she was really doing it as a surviving mechanism. She had just lost him, and was dealing with a total stranger. I also like how she references to Puck being one of the few things that kept her sane as well. I liked how this scene flowed well into the other one that I’m going to address now: the bedroom (LOL) scene between Knox and Oda. I think it was a funny scene, because of how Knox asked Oda to choose a name for him, but then went all LOLwhut when she chose random ones. I think it was a light-hearted moment that gave us a bit of a break from the all the angst otherwise (and also made them see each other differently). Before that, I really liked how she kept asking if he was Death, and then said she’d support him if he had the Powers. It was interesting, because it showed that she’s not angry at him, and that she does feel something for him. Anyhow, I liked that little moment between them in the scene – because of the quiet tension, and how Oda makes it clear that it meant something.
Relationship: Given that I’ve already discussed Oda and Knox so much in the previous section, I’ll just discuss them here now. I wanted to discuss Oda more herself, but I think what I’m going to say about her in this chapter, pretty much flows in with Knox too. So, I feel that Oda is definitely intrigued by Knox too, not only because he’s Death or because he’s the first person she met after losing her brother; there are many hints that she is attracted to him – not sexually, per se, just drawn to his behaviour (which is calm, nearly eerily so). I think she denied in the previous chapters, but in this chapter, it’s clear that she doesn’t hate him at all, and that she was at the very least, drawn to help him because of his fragility during that graveyard. It excites me, I have to say, because I’m not sure whether she wants to defeat him or help him or whether she’s angry and confused :P It’s fun trying to figure it out. What I definitely like about Knox is that it’s undeniable to say that he’s attracted to her: it might not be romantic at all, but you can tell that he’s intrigued or maybe even baffled by her antics. He knows she could kill him, but she doesn’t, and I’m wondering if he’s teasing her by hanging around, or whether he’s doing it because he himself needs her. I think there are various ways you could see it. I definitely think that there’s something between them, and that this is something is very tense, weird at times, but also interesting to read about because there are just so many ways you can see it.
7/31/2014 c3 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
Ah, I see you’ve got something slightly different now – a letter to Knox instead of a forced written statement. That’s quite clever – lets you keep your first person ‘journal’ narration, but introduces some variety as well. There were a few bits in the beginning that were a little repetitive, but nothing too obviously jarring. I like how Oda is still Oda in terms of her voice, but she’s less angry and more sad in this chapter, which is consistent with the contents. There are some nice phrases, like how she points out that Knox is so good at following because he’s been doing it for eons. The chapter ending is hanging, “it’s just...”? Is that deliberate, or did FP eat up some of your text?
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
Ah, I see you’ve got something slightly different now – a letter to Knox instead of a forced written statement. That’s quite clever – lets you keep your first person ‘journal’ narration, but introduces some variety as well. There were a few bits in the beginning that were a little repetitive, but nothing too obviously jarring. I like how Oda is still Oda in terms of her voice, but she’s less angry and more sad in this chapter, which is consistent with the contents. There are some nice phrases, like how she points out that Knox is so good at following because he’s been doing it for eons. The chapter ending is hanging, “it’s just...”? Is that deliberate, or did FP eat up some of your text?
7/30/2014 c3 4m. b. whitlock
RG EF #5,929
This chapter is very good. Very intriguing. I think the subtle switch you make into a more genuine voice for Oda (since this narrative is voluntary and not being coerced like in the previous 2 chapters) works well. This voice is softer and I sense quite a bit of tenderness towards Knox (i.e., Death). I also like the switch to 'Knox' from 'Death'. It's hard to get to know a character named Death. But Knox totally works.
I like the way you let us know who Knox is:
"Back in Knoxgrove, you said: "But I'm Death." Implied: so I can't be human." 'Knox' 'Knoxgrove' Death (since Knoxgrove is the place of Death's 'birth' or coming into existence. I am assuming Knox has no memories of the life of the human body he inhabits. With the sickle reference in Chapter 2 I should have picked up on this sooner. :)
Really good transition here:
"Because of course I could only say: "How do you know who I am?" Very good snips of dialogue throughout this chapter. :)
Like this scene and the way you tell it:
"I want you to know Puck was growling even before I saw you stumble into the supermarket later that afternoon. I knew you were there the whole time. I was trying to find lunch. You were trying to find me. But you meant to come off like finding me, munching on stale junk snacks while rifling through cans, was a total surprise." Again, I am sensing an affinity for McCarthy's The Road (which I intend as a compliment!). I mean, if you're going to do post-apocalyptic US (this feels like the US to me) there is no better work to reference than that.
Really like this section but I feel you could streamline it some, cut a 'still' and a few other unnecessary words:
"You were treating your humanity like an act you were putting on, like if you just played pretend it would mean you could *still* convince yourself you were *still* the way you used to be."
The romance aspect of the story is starting to come out now in a very cool, organic kind of way. Like it lots! :) Hope you update soon. Looking forward to reading more.
vb,
mbw
4m. b. whitlockRG EF #5,929
This chapter is very good. Very intriguing. I think the subtle switch you make into a more genuine voice for Oda (since this narrative is voluntary and not being coerced like in the previous 2 chapters) works well. This voice is softer and I sense quite a bit of tenderness towards Knox (i.e., Death). I also like the switch to 'Knox' from 'Death'. It's hard to get to know a character named Death. But Knox totally works.
I like the way you let us know who Knox is:
"Back in Knoxgrove, you said: "But I'm Death." Implied: so I can't be human." 'Knox' 'Knoxgrove' Death (since Knoxgrove is the place of Death's 'birth' or coming into existence. I am assuming Knox has no memories of the life of the human body he inhabits. With the sickle reference in Chapter 2 I should have picked up on this sooner. :)
Really good transition here:
"Because of course I could only say: "How do you know who I am?" Very good snips of dialogue throughout this chapter. :)
Like this scene and the way you tell it:
"I want you to know Puck was growling even before I saw you stumble into the supermarket later that afternoon. I knew you were there the whole time. I was trying to find lunch. You were trying to find me. But you meant to come off like finding me, munching on stale junk snacks while rifling through cans, was a total surprise." Again, I am sensing an affinity for McCarthy's The Road (which I intend as a compliment!). I mean, if you're going to do post-apocalyptic US (this feels like the US to me) there is no better work to reference than that.
Really like this section but I feel you could streamline it some, cut a 'still' and a few other unnecessary words:
"You were treating your humanity like an act you were putting on, like if you just played pretend it would mean you could *still* convince yourself you were *still* the way you used to be."
The romance aspect of the story is starting to come out now in a very cool, organic kind of way. Like it lots! :) Hope you update soon. Looking forward to reading more.
vb,
mbw
7/30/2014 c2 m. b. whitlock
RG EF #5,927
I really like the way this story is developing. Your premise of having the mythological/theological/allegorical character of Death being brought to 'life' in the body of a (I'm assuming merely mortal) human is very interesting. You are kinda following the messiah/Jesus/Lazurus thing but your take on that quite popular storyline is unique and I am really enjoying your execution. I think your Oda character and the voice you are developing for her are the most interesting aspects of this story.
Here are some notes:
Interesting character introduction here:
"I think Knox is left handed. That's the hand he uses when he's holding his sickle." I'm wondering if 'Knox' has anything specifically to do with Knoxgrove or if you just like the sound of the word/name 'Knox'…?
Could do some grammar fixes here:
"You've just ripped the bottom of this page *tearing this journal from me*. I hope you're happy. We've just *had an exchanging of snarls*." NOt sure why you don;t just say 'We exchanged snarls'. I mean it seems a little formal the language for Oda IMO. ;)
Like the cut off here:
"I've ever met and you sound like an old sea hag with shit caught in your"
Get a little confused here:
"wondering what to bring and what not to bring. Being alone was awful. I'd almost left my brother's pack along with his rifle, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I couldn't decide what to shed." Oda seems to be sort of contradicting herself a bit. Also, this part totally reminds me of McCarthy's The Road (amazing book!).
If you're talking about Puck's growl here I don't understand the "Not really human" line:
"Really vicious. Animal-like. Not really human." I mean, Puck's a dog. *Not* a human. Is Oda describing a different sound here?
Why not just say 'bones' here:
"gnaw on his *spinal bones*" 'spinal' throws me off a bit because I'm wondering which bones you mean. There are vertebrae and the spinal column but the spine itself is a nerve so… anyway, no big!
Like the way Oda describe's 'death''s appearance
"I'm trying to say Death is unconventionally attractive. The kind where the attractiveness grows on you. Over say, a period of two years. So by the end of those two years, a mop of unruly orange hair and a pair of muddy brown eyes turns into the makings of a lithe sex"
This is a difficult segue. I can't say it works all that well for me. I guess the best way you could do this would be to hold off on the attraction thing and build up to it later. It seems more believable to me that Oda would feel a lot of things here, like feeling freaked out, sympathy for this obviously lost and desperate person, but an instant attraction just kinda throws me out of the story. I guess it suddenly becomes more of a typical romance instead of a more horror/thriller type piece.
This takes us back to one of the central questions of your story:
"He's just the reason it'll always be this way. Forever. Because he can't come back anymore."
Like it. :)
vb,
mbw
RG EF #5,927
I really like the way this story is developing. Your premise of having the mythological/theological/allegorical character of Death being brought to 'life' in the body of a (I'm assuming merely mortal) human is very interesting. You are kinda following the messiah/Jesus/Lazurus thing but your take on that quite popular storyline is unique and I am really enjoying your execution. I think your Oda character and the voice you are developing for her are the most interesting aspects of this story.
Here are some notes:
Interesting character introduction here:
"I think Knox is left handed. That's the hand he uses when he's holding his sickle." I'm wondering if 'Knox' has anything specifically to do with Knoxgrove or if you just like the sound of the word/name 'Knox'…?
Could do some grammar fixes here:
"You've just ripped the bottom of this page *tearing this journal from me*. I hope you're happy. We've just *had an exchanging of snarls*." NOt sure why you don;t just say 'We exchanged snarls'. I mean it seems a little formal the language for Oda IMO. ;)
Like the cut off here:
"I've ever met and you sound like an old sea hag with shit caught in your"
Get a little confused here:
"wondering what to bring and what not to bring. Being alone was awful. I'd almost left my brother's pack along with his rifle, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I couldn't decide what to shed." Oda seems to be sort of contradicting herself a bit. Also, this part totally reminds me of McCarthy's The Road (amazing book!).
If you're talking about Puck's growl here I don't understand the "Not really human" line:
"Really vicious. Animal-like. Not really human." I mean, Puck's a dog. *Not* a human. Is Oda describing a different sound here?
Why not just say 'bones' here:
"gnaw on his *spinal bones*" 'spinal' throws me off a bit because I'm wondering which bones you mean. There are vertebrae and the spinal column but the spine itself is a nerve so… anyway, no big!
Like the way Oda describe's 'death''s appearance
"I'm trying to say Death is unconventionally attractive. The kind where the attractiveness grows on you. Over say, a period of two years. So by the end of those two years, a mop of unruly orange hair and a pair of muddy brown eyes turns into the makings of a lithe sex"
This is a difficult segue. I can't say it works all that well for me. I guess the best way you could do this would be to hold off on the attraction thing and build up to it later. It seems more believable to me that Oda would feel a lot of things here, like feeling freaked out, sympathy for this obviously lost and desperate person, but an instant attraction just kinda throws me out of the story. I guess it suddenly becomes more of a typical romance instead of a more horror/thriller type piece.
This takes us back to one of the central questions of your story:
"He's just the reason it'll always be this way. Forever. Because he can't come back anymore."
Like it. :)
vb,
mbw
7/30/2014 c3 Hedonistic Opportunist
Random – I love this story more now, since it reminds me of ‘Warm Bodies’ (the book, not the over-romanticised film). Maybe just a bit because of the scene where he’s observing while she’s eating :P
Plot: So I’ve got a lot of questions, because I realise that your storytelling isn’t quite as ‘reliable’ as I’d expected, nor as straightforward, but then given the format and the fact that the first two chapters were written while Oda was in a hostage situation, it makes sense. And I love it, because ‘unreliable’ narration has always been one of my favourite tropes, and the extra complication here just adds to the beauty of the plot: there’s not only a level of suspense here, but you’re making the character motivations and relationships even more complicated. I think it’s interesting how this chapter, in particular, is a retelling – a bit – of what happened during Oda and Knox’s first meeting, but how it also reinterprets the events, adding new twists and turns here. I think it’s intriguing to note that Oda wasn’t so compassionate after all, but carries a grudge against Knox for having, in her mind, brought about the Fall after all. It makes things far more compelling on a personal note, and I’m especially fond of the fact that she knew what he was, because of her near-death encounter as she’d been a child. I think I’m guessing at this point, since you only subtly hint at it, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing because subtle storytelling is a great thing, and you’re doing a great job of mixing the present with the past, and keeping new twists and turns here. I still love the fact that you never let us forget that Oda is in danger, from being killed or from having her captors realise what she has been up to.
Relationship: This isn’t a romance, but I can see the beginnings of some tension here between Knox and Oda. I enjoy it a lot, because it’s not stereotypical and there’s a level of anger and even disappointment that Oda harbours towards Knox that I found very enticing. It’s nice to see that, while she notes his sexual attractiveness, she’s not distracted by it, but is more interested in bringing him down (by mocking him, by showing him that he’s not infallible). I think that adds an element of playfulness to their relationship that isn’t light, but promises to be dark and maybe full of mind-games? What I definitely enjoy is how fascinated Knox seems to be by Oda: because she didn’t kill him when she had the chance, and because she doesn’t seem to be as scared of him as she should be. I don’t quite know why he’s intrigued by her, but if we go by Oda’s reasoning, he’s using Owen’s clothes as a means to spite her, as a means to mess with her. I find that dark and maybe even twisted, but then he’s Death, and I don’t think that he plays fair and square. In fact, I think that I should just prepare myself for more mind games :D Anyhow, I do enjoy how you hint at the closeness between Owen and Oda in this chapter too. I didn’t refer to it before, but you can see now how much of an effect her brother had on her: as a fighter, as a source of inspiration to keep on fighting. While some might see the hint of his screaming in her head, I think it’s really just her trying to get by, by remembering how he always drove her onwards. It’s tragic and saddening that she has no one left anymore, well apart from Puck.
Scene: I must say I’m really intrigued by the new twist and spin on the scene between Oda and Knox in the graveyard, and her holding a gun against his face. Under this light, and with the added knowledge that she knew him from before, I feel it gives the scene a far more menacing air and sheds light on the fact that Oda wasn’t feeling sorry for him, but was fully prepared to kill him. But she didn’t – and that’s interesting. We’re not told why, but we get to feel her anger and deadliness even, because of your effective writing and the way you link the scene with the past. I really liked that scene too by the way, short as it was, because of its clear, poignant writing that still was very subtle, since you only gave us a hint of how grave Oda’s injuries were. Anyhow, back to the graveyard scene: I enjoyed how you ended it, with Oda just leaving Knox in the graveyard, with nothing but a blanket draped over him. It was a very cold scene, written in merciless prose that sent chills running down my spine. Actually, I liked all Knox and Oda scenes in this chapter, down to them reuniting, because of how light the scene was on the surface, but of how, it was, in the end, all about Oda testing Knox, testing the limits of seeming all-knowingness.
Characters: I have different interpretations of Knox now – he seems far less harmless than in the first chapter, with him not necessarily being a villain, but still far from being a human. But then he isn’t as Oda notes, and you hint at it too, by him being just a bit arrogant, even a bit too satisfied with himself. He seems intrigued by Oda, I think, because she defies him, but maybe also makes him feel things he’s never seen before? :D I don’t know, but it definitely intrigues him. I must say I enjoy your depiction of him as being something of a tease who consciously uses his looks as a distraction: it seems, pardon me, sexy, especially when you refer to him wearing cut-off jeans. Okay, okay, I’m rambling, but let me pour more love on Oda. I love this girl, and how complicated she is: she’s so shrewd, playing not only with Knox, but her captor. She knows that she’ll get into trouble for what she’s doing, but she’s defiant and maintains a sense of pride in this chapter that I find enthralling. I think she’s maybe a bit arrogant too, but I think she’s got far too little to lose. Maybe, she just wants to play with fire while she can get away with it. At the very least, I like how she’s not one to freak out because of Knox, just because he’s Death, but show that she’s fully willing to play along. Hmm, what I find interesting is how she blames Knox for having abandoned them, for not remaining constant. It’s not hatred, but it shows that she does bear a grudge. I do think this will definitely come into play later.
Ending: I really like how you cut off here, with the sentence just ending in the middle. You can tell that her captors caught up with her and possibly smacked her at this point ): It’s creepy and scary, but another proof of the effectiveness of your writing. It’s a clear hook too, because the reader can’t help but want to know what’s going to happen!
OMG I’m bad at this, but I have a lot of words for you. I don’t know why O_O YOUR WRITING IS GOOD: YOU ARE FAR BETTER THAN THOSE TRASHY PUBLISHED SLASH NOVELS I WAS TRYING TO READ FOR MINDLESS FUN TODAY ._. (if you ever write slash, let me know. I’ll devour it, I think). Seriously, I just gotta love me some good writing :P
Random – I love this story more now, since it reminds me of ‘Warm Bodies’ (the book, not the over-romanticised film). Maybe just a bit because of the scene where he’s observing while she’s eating :P
Plot: So I’ve got a lot of questions, because I realise that your storytelling isn’t quite as ‘reliable’ as I’d expected, nor as straightforward, but then given the format and the fact that the first two chapters were written while Oda was in a hostage situation, it makes sense. And I love it, because ‘unreliable’ narration has always been one of my favourite tropes, and the extra complication here just adds to the beauty of the plot: there’s not only a level of suspense here, but you’re making the character motivations and relationships even more complicated. I think it’s interesting how this chapter, in particular, is a retelling – a bit – of what happened during Oda and Knox’s first meeting, but how it also reinterprets the events, adding new twists and turns here. I think it’s intriguing to note that Oda wasn’t so compassionate after all, but carries a grudge against Knox for having, in her mind, brought about the Fall after all. It makes things far more compelling on a personal note, and I’m especially fond of the fact that she knew what he was, because of her near-death encounter as she’d been a child. I think I’m guessing at this point, since you only subtly hint at it, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing because subtle storytelling is a great thing, and you’re doing a great job of mixing the present with the past, and keeping new twists and turns here. I still love the fact that you never let us forget that Oda is in danger, from being killed or from having her captors realise what she has been up to.
Relationship: This isn’t a romance, but I can see the beginnings of some tension here between Knox and Oda. I enjoy it a lot, because it’s not stereotypical and there’s a level of anger and even disappointment that Oda harbours towards Knox that I found very enticing. It’s nice to see that, while she notes his sexual attractiveness, she’s not distracted by it, but is more interested in bringing him down (by mocking him, by showing him that he’s not infallible). I think that adds an element of playfulness to their relationship that isn’t light, but promises to be dark and maybe full of mind-games? What I definitely enjoy is how fascinated Knox seems to be by Oda: because she didn’t kill him when she had the chance, and because she doesn’t seem to be as scared of him as she should be. I don’t quite know why he’s intrigued by her, but if we go by Oda’s reasoning, he’s using Owen’s clothes as a means to spite her, as a means to mess with her. I find that dark and maybe even twisted, but then he’s Death, and I don’t think that he plays fair and square. In fact, I think that I should just prepare myself for more mind games :D Anyhow, I do enjoy how you hint at the closeness between Owen and Oda in this chapter too. I didn’t refer to it before, but you can see now how much of an effect her brother had on her: as a fighter, as a source of inspiration to keep on fighting. While some might see the hint of his screaming in her head, I think it’s really just her trying to get by, by remembering how he always drove her onwards. It’s tragic and saddening that she has no one left anymore, well apart from Puck.
Scene: I must say I’m really intrigued by the new twist and spin on the scene between Oda and Knox in the graveyard, and her holding a gun against his face. Under this light, and with the added knowledge that she knew him from before, I feel it gives the scene a far more menacing air and sheds light on the fact that Oda wasn’t feeling sorry for him, but was fully prepared to kill him. But she didn’t – and that’s interesting. We’re not told why, but we get to feel her anger and deadliness even, because of your effective writing and the way you link the scene with the past. I really liked that scene too by the way, short as it was, because of its clear, poignant writing that still was very subtle, since you only gave us a hint of how grave Oda’s injuries were. Anyhow, back to the graveyard scene: I enjoyed how you ended it, with Oda just leaving Knox in the graveyard, with nothing but a blanket draped over him. It was a very cold scene, written in merciless prose that sent chills running down my spine. Actually, I liked all Knox and Oda scenes in this chapter, down to them reuniting, because of how light the scene was on the surface, but of how, it was, in the end, all about Oda testing Knox, testing the limits of seeming all-knowingness.
Characters: I have different interpretations of Knox now – he seems far less harmless than in the first chapter, with him not necessarily being a villain, but still far from being a human. But then he isn’t as Oda notes, and you hint at it too, by him being just a bit arrogant, even a bit too satisfied with himself. He seems intrigued by Oda, I think, because she defies him, but maybe also makes him feel things he’s never seen before? :D I don’t know, but it definitely intrigues him. I must say I enjoy your depiction of him as being something of a tease who consciously uses his looks as a distraction: it seems, pardon me, sexy, especially when you refer to him wearing cut-off jeans. Okay, okay, I’m rambling, but let me pour more love on Oda. I love this girl, and how complicated she is: she’s so shrewd, playing not only with Knox, but her captor. She knows that she’ll get into trouble for what she’s doing, but she’s defiant and maintains a sense of pride in this chapter that I find enthralling. I think she’s maybe a bit arrogant too, but I think she’s got far too little to lose. Maybe, she just wants to play with fire while she can get away with it. At the very least, I like how she’s not one to freak out because of Knox, just because he’s Death, but show that she’s fully willing to play along. Hmm, what I find interesting is how she blames Knox for having abandoned them, for not remaining constant. It’s not hatred, but it shows that she does bear a grudge. I do think this will definitely come into play later.
Ending: I really like how you cut off here, with the sentence just ending in the middle. You can tell that her captors caught up with her and possibly smacked her at this point ): It’s creepy and scary, but another proof of the effectiveness of your writing. It’s a clear hook too, because the reader can’t help but want to know what’s going to happen!
OMG I’m bad at this, but I have a lot of words for you. I don’t know why O_O YOUR WRITING IS GOOD: YOU ARE FAR BETTER THAN THOSE TRASHY PUBLISHED SLASH NOVELS I WAS TRYING TO READ FOR MINDLESS FUN TODAY ._. (if you ever write slash, let me know. I’ll devour it, I think). Seriously, I just gotta love me some good writing :P
7/30/2014 c2 Hedonistic Opportunist
Writing: What I find really effective is how the prose cuts off when Odetta got extra saucy or just a bit too angry – I think it gives the prose some extra bit of realism that I find great, because it makes the journal entries far more genuine. I also like the tone a lot, I must say: like Odetta emphasising certain words like Death’s appearance, just to get her point across. It not only makes the story bitingly funny, but also establishes her personality further, and gives the entire story a voice – which is very important, given that this is written in first person. I still love the underlining, because it’s just so angry and so desperate too, and even morbidly funny; I can imagine Odetta just underlining things in an effort to spite her captors. Haha, I really just love the writing – it’s very clean, but it’s also very realistic, with great touches of humour and underlining despair that make it very compelling. I especially love the way you describe things, because it’s always vivid without you ever going over the top (I even felt that the descriptions of Death’s unconventional handsomeness/attractiveness weren’t over the top, but very much plainly stated because that’s how it happened). On a minor note, what fascinates me is how well you manage to combine the past with the present – making the writing effective in the present, but also in the past tense when you retell events. I think it’s because you show them, showcase how Death and Odetta interacted. That keeps things vibrant and alive.
Characters: I really enjoyed the glimpse you already gave us of Death here – he’s this helpless, thunder-struck poor little pup that just makes me want to hug him, because you can tell that he has no idea what the hell happened to him in this chapter. It’s surprising how likeable you made him, but then I figure that seeing someone get a panic attack and really relive what could only be called an emotional crisis would even render Death sympatric. But he remains sympathetic, because he’s calm afterwards, just a bit surprised – he comes across as very calm and modest, which I find intriguing. In a way, even Odetta’s talking later – when she describes how, in spite of the rumours circulating about him – she still says that he’s harmless, a human, really makes it clear that he’s the evil that everyone considers him to be. Sorry, I’m rambling. I really like Odetta herself: she comes across as even saucier and more of a fighter in this chapter, which is evidenced by her calling her captor a ‘hag’ and by trying to undermine her independence as much as she can. I like that – you know that she’s going to punished for it, but there’s also something admirable about a person who refuses to cooperate, and just wants to make sure that her captors understand that she’s still her own person. And I think Odetta is very much her own person, ranging from angry to nice when she wants to be. I really want to see how she continues evolving, because she’s fascinating.
Scene: I loved the scene between Odetta and Death in the graveyard, because it wasn’t only uniquely well-written (the way you mashed it with the past and the present), but because it was very vivid. I could really see the entire encounter in my head: Death freaking out, Puck being all Pucky and Odetta not sure what to do with herself. It was all over the place, but that’s how I felt it should be, and I enjoyed it for all that. I just liked how it showed Odetta’s capacity for compassion, by having her trying to calm Death down, and Death then reacting just a bit surprised by his recent awakening. It was a key scene, and I think you handled it exceptionally well. I also liked the scene building up to it, with Odetta remembering how she didn’t have to carry so much around anymore. It was heartbreaking but realistic in its simplicity. People tend to suddenly start doing things like throwing away items of another person when confronted by their deaths, so I thought this was a great touch.
Plot: I enjoy the plot of this story a lot: it’s a mixture between a narrative that establishes how things were, a commentary on what’s going on in dystopia, and it’s a bit of a love story (I can already tell :P). I would call it a daunting project, even ambitious, but I think you handle it very well, because a journal entry really manages to combine all three tangents with each other quite well. You manage to flesh out the background (the present) quite well by relating how the past made things the way the way they were (Death being a sort of Harbinger, despite the fact that he has no powers D:), and you make it all the more compelling by personifying Death as a sympathetic character. I honestly think it’s all very done, and there’s a lot of juice to the plot that I definitely want to see carried out through the next few chapters. What I especially enjoy is that you’re breaking clichés with this story: Death isn’t evil, Odetta isn’t a Damsel in Distress, and you’re choosing a very unconventional method to tell this story. You’re starting at the very middle, when most of the horrible events have already come to pass, and Odetta has already had the time to build a legacy around Death. That’s interesting, because it makes you ask just how much time has passed in order for this happen.
Okay, I’m rambling but I enjoyed – a lot :3 It’s the combination of clever writing and good plot and sheer awesome characterisation that just makes me want to read more!
Writing: What I find really effective is how the prose cuts off when Odetta got extra saucy or just a bit too angry – I think it gives the prose some extra bit of realism that I find great, because it makes the journal entries far more genuine. I also like the tone a lot, I must say: like Odetta emphasising certain words like Death’s appearance, just to get her point across. It not only makes the story bitingly funny, but also establishes her personality further, and gives the entire story a voice – which is very important, given that this is written in first person. I still love the underlining, because it’s just so angry and so desperate too, and even morbidly funny; I can imagine Odetta just underlining things in an effort to spite her captors. Haha, I really just love the writing – it’s very clean, but it’s also very realistic, with great touches of humour and underlining despair that make it very compelling. I especially love the way you describe things, because it’s always vivid without you ever going over the top (I even felt that the descriptions of Death’s unconventional handsomeness/attractiveness weren’t over the top, but very much plainly stated because that’s how it happened). On a minor note, what fascinates me is how well you manage to combine the past with the present – making the writing effective in the present, but also in the past tense when you retell events. I think it’s because you show them, showcase how Death and Odetta interacted. That keeps things vibrant and alive.
Characters: I really enjoyed the glimpse you already gave us of Death here – he’s this helpless, thunder-struck poor little pup that just makes me want to hug him, because you can tell that he has no idea what the hell happened to him in this chapter. It’s surprising how likeable you made him, but then I figure that seeing someone get a panic attack and really relive what could only be called an emotional crisis would even render Death sympatric. But he remains sympathetic, because he’s calm afterwards, just a bit surprised – he comes across as very calm and modest, which I find intriguing. In a way, even Odetta’s talking later – when she describes how, in spite of the rumours circulating about him – she still says that he’s harmless, a human, really makes it clear that he’s the evil that everyone considers him to be. Sorry, I’m rambling. I really like Odetta herself: she comes across as even saucier and more of a fighter in this chapter, which is evidenced by her calling her captor a ‘hag’ and by trying to undermine her independence as much as she can. I like that – you know that she’s going to punished for it, but there’s also something admirable about a person who refuses to cooperate, and just wants to make sure that her captors understand that she’s still her own person. And I think Odetta is very much her own person, ranging from angry to nice when she wants to be. I really want to see how she continues evolving, because she’s fascinating.
Scene: I loved the scene between Odetta and Death in the graveyard, because it wasn’t only uniquely well-written (the way you mashed it with the past and the present), but because it was very vivid. I could really see the entire encounter in my head: Death freaking out, Puck being all Pucky and Odetta not sure what to do with herself. It was all over the place, but that’s how I felt it should be, and I enjoyed it for all that. I just liked how it showed Odetta’s capacity for compassion, by having her trying to calm Death down, and Death then reacting just a bit surprised by his recent awakening. It was a key scene, and I think you handled it exceptionally well. I also liked the scene building up to it, with Odetta remembering how she didn’t have to carry so much around anymore. It was heartbreaking but realistic in its simplicity. People tend to suddenly start doing things like throwing away items of another person when confronted by their deaths, so I thought this was a great touch.
Plot: I enjoy the plot of this story a lot: it’s a mixture between a narrative that establishes how things were, a commentary on what’s going on in dystopia, and it’s a bit of a love story (I can already tell :P). I would call it a daunting project, even ambitious, but I think you handle it very well, because a journal entry really manages to combine all three tangents with each other quite well. You manage to flesh out the background (the present) quite well by relating how the past made things the way the way they were (Death being a sort of Harbinger, despite the fact that he has no powers D:), and you make it all the more compelling by personifying Death as a sympathetic character. I honestly think it’s all very done, and there’s a lot of juice to the plot that I definitely want to see carried out through the next few chapters. What I especially enjoy is that you’re breaking clichés with this story: Death isn’t evil, Odetta isn’t a Damsel in Distress, and you’re choosing a very unconventional method to tell this story. You’re starting at the very middle, when most of the horrible events have already come to pass, and Odetta has already had the time to build a legacy around Death. That’s interesting, because it makes you ask just how much time has passed in order for this happen.
Okay, I’m rambling but I enjoyed – a lot :3 It’s the combination of clever writing and good plot and sheer awesome characterisation that just makes me want to read more!
7/29/2014 c1 90Timbo Slice
What I liked about this chapter was the main character Odetta Bray, her unique name certainly lives up to her spunky and imformal attitude which really gives this piece a personable feel.
I didn't care too much for the prose narrarating style however because I feel like it takes away from the suspense of a story by basically telling you what happened instead of seeing it from the eyes of the main character in that moment if you know what I mean. The overall story too, while compelling, was somewhat vague for my taste and the frequent underlinings were distracting although i understand they were used for emphasis.
So I liked the premise of this, just the quirky prose wasn't really my thing!
90Timbo SliceWhat I liked about this chapter was the main character Odetta Bray, her unique name certainly lives up to her spunky and imformal attitude which really gives this piece a personable feel.
I didn't care too much for the prose narrarating style however because I feel like it takes away from the suspense of a story by basically telling you what happened instead of seeing it from the eyes of the main character in that moment if you know what I mean. The overall story too, while compelling, was somewhat vague for my taste and the frequent underlinings were distracting although i understand they were used for emphasis.
So I liked the premise of this, just the quirky prose wasn't really my thing!
7/29/2014 c2 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
Your prose continues to entrance me. Oda’s voice is very consistent and comes across loud and clear, like she’s in the room with me and I’m looking over her shoulder as she writes. I particularly liked the bit where she’s trying to be nonchalant about his (er, not sure what to call him at this point – Death? Knox?) nakedness but is obviously very worked up over it even after two years (is that how long ago the events she’s narrating took place? Hopefull I got that right). Plot-wise, I’m still interested, maybe even more so now that I know this isn’t a run-of-the-mill zombie tale. Death personified (Or humanised. Or mortalised. Whatever). Hmm, not entirely new (Meet Joe Black, anyone?) but I’m hoping you’ll put a new spin on it. Anyway, I’m curious as to whether you’ll tell the ENTIRE story this way, with a series of ‘signed statements’ If you are, then I’d like to venture a cautious reminder: variety is the spice of life and too much of a good thing... etc. *Wink*
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
Your prose continues to entrance me. Oda’s voice is very consistent and comes across loud and clear, like she’s in the room with me and I’m looking over her shoulder as she writes. I particularly liked the bit where she’s trying to be nonchalant about his (er, not sure what to call him at this point – Death? Knox?) nakedness but is obviously very worked up over it even after two years (is that how long ago the events she’s narrating took place? Hopefull I got that right). Plot-wise, I’m still interested, maybe even more so now that I know this isn’t a run-of-the-mill zombie tale. Death personified (Or humanised. Or mortalised. Whatever). Hmm, not entirely new (Meet Joe Black, anyone?) but I’m hoping you’ll put a new spin on it. Anyway, I’m curious as to whether you’ll tell the ENTIRE story this way, with a series of ‘signed statements’ If you are, then I’d like to venture a cautious reminder: variety is the spice of life and too much of a good thing... etc. *Wink*
7/29/2014 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
I'm honestly not one for stories that start out in first person POV, especially ones that are journal style. I have bad recollections of 'Robinson Crusoe' (boring drivel, not meaning to offend anyone who likes that book). But I found your prose to be quite promising, from my first foray into this piece. It's very direct, very characteristic and I like the flippant style - it just draws you in immediately because of its liveliness and 'sod off' attitude. It's definitely more honest and realistic than a romanticsed journal entry full of purple prose and sentimentalism. I dunno, I guess I appreciate the fact that Odetta is *angry*, and that prose - exemplified by her use of profanity and underlining statements - shows this quite plainly. You can relate to the anger, and it sucks you in, because of how likeable the emotion makes Odetta appear.
But it's not only the emotion I like, but the way you characterise Odetta. Her prose makes her come across as defiant, even brave in the light of the tragedy she went through. But she’s also willing to admit that she cried, that she was afraid and confused as hell at what she experienced or saw during that one *night*. Who wouldn’t be? Your descriptions of that night were freaky enough to give me pause for thought and really think that I would have died of a heart attack. I really like her raw honesty; it’s appealing because it’s more sympatric than her being some tragic heroine, and it’s also more appealing than a damsel in distress figure, because you do get the feeling that she has done her utmost to survive at this point. Characters should be real, and Odetta feels really to me. So you’ll get full points from me there.
I really like the plot so far. You vaguely hint at some sort of zombie apocalypse, but I feel there’s a new spin to this, because of some ‘Chosen’ figure. I don’t know: I just am intrigued by the hints you give us, and the dark realistic tone this story has. It’s not glamorised, especially because you refer to the death of Odetta’s brother as a fast, brutal event. Actually, it’s the realism of this story that sucks me in: the way there’s no beauty in it so far. Odetta is all alone, her parents died, and she’s even lost the dog she wanted to keep desperately at her side. She had to bury her brother in some other person’s plot, and you make clear that this way by no ways easy. I see few pieces delve into psychological aspects like this, and I’m very eager as to how you’ll expand on this.
I like your writing, especially when you refer to those bodies. It was truly horrifying, because your writing is clear, but also very vivid. It’s…not over the top, and that in essence, makes it seem realer and more horrifying this way.
This is definitely promising :3
I'm honestly not one for stories that start out in first person POV, especially ones that are journal style. I have bad recollections of 'Robinson Crusoe' (boring drivel, not meaning to offend anyone who likes that book). But I found your prose to be quite promising, from my first foray into this piece. It's very direct, very characteristic and I like the flippant style - it just draws you in immediately because of its liveliness and 'sod off' attitude. It's definitely more honest and realistic than a romanticsed journal entry full of purple prose and sentimentalism. I dunno, I guess I appreciate the fact that Odetta is *angry*, and that prose - exemplified by her use of profanity and underlining statements - shows this quite plainly. You can relate to the anger, and it sucks you in, because of how likeable the emotion makes Odetta appear.
But it's not only the emotion I like, but the way you characterise Odetta. Her prose makes her come across as defiant, even brave in the light of the tragedy she went through. But she’s also willing to admit that she cried, that she was afraid and confused as hell at what she experienced or saw during that one *night*. Who wouldn’t be? Your descriptions of that night were freaky enough to give me pause for thought and really think that I would have died of a heart attack. I really like her raw honesty; it’s appealing because it’s more sympatric than her being some tragic heroine, and it’s also more appealing than a damsel in distress figure, because you do get the feeling that she has done her utmost to survive at this point. Characters should be real, and Odetta feels really to me. So you’ll get full points from me there.
I really like the plot so far. You vaguely hint at some sort of zombie apocalypse, but I feel there’s a new spin to this, because of some ‘Chosen’ figure. I don’t know: I just am intrigued by the hints you give us, and the dark realistic tone this story has. It’s not glamorised, especially because you refer to the death of Odetta’s brother as a fast, brutal event. Actually, it’s the realism of this story that sucks me in: the way there’s no beauty in it so far. Odetta is all alone, her parents died, and she’s even lost the dog she wanted to keep desperately at her side. She had to bury her brother in some other person’s plot, and you make clear that this way by no ways easy. I see few pieces delve into psychological aspects like this, and I’m very eager as to how you’ll expand on this.
I like your writing, especially when you refer to those bodies. It was truly horrifying, because your writing is clear, but also very vivid. It’s…not over the top, and that in essence, makes it seem realer and more horrifying this way.
This is definitely promising :3
7/28/2014 c1 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
Your writing gripped me from the openingn with its honesty and raw emotion. This is one feisty girl and I do so like strong female leads. I like the narrative device you’re using – free writing under duress – I’ve never seen it being used before and I think it’s cool, cool, cool! It lets you tell us things without sounding like you’re telling us things; we get back story in plenty without everything being given away all at once, and at the same time we get a feel of what kind of person this Oda isn’t until two thirds through the story that I realised that this is a zombie apocalypse type story. Frankly, I’d have actively avoided reading this if you’d said so from the beginning, because stinky falling apart bodies are so not my thing. But congratulations, you’ve got my attention! Well done.
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
Your writing gripped me from the openingn with its honesty and raw emotion. This is one feisty girl and I do so like strong female leads. I like the narrative device you’re using – free writing under duress – I’ve never seen it being used before and I think it’s cool, cool, cool! It lets you tell us things without sounding like you’re telling us things; we get back story in plenty without everything being given away all at once, and at the same time we get a feel of what kind of person this Oda isn’t until two thirds through the story that I realised that this is a zombie apocalypse type story. Frankly, I’d have actively avoided reading this if you’d said so from the beginning, because stinky falling apart bodies are so not my thing. But congratulations, you’ve got my attention! Well done.
7/28/2014 c1 4m. b. whitlock
RG Depth #4,310
This is a really fun, really thrilling beginning. I really like the way you are developing the voice of your main character, Oda. I also like the way that you are introducing other characters simply having Oda address them, or refer to them, even in les than complete ways with effective, vivid details. Here, I am talking specifically about the 'everlasting ones'. Lots of juicy mysteries woven throughout this with just enough concrete details to give your readers a sense of the world they are entering and a reason to stick around and care about what happens to Oda. :D
So , in this in depth review I will be focusing on discussing the opening, the [lot, characters, dialogue and writing/technique/style.
I think the opening is terrific. I was pretty hooked from the start. I think the main reason it's catchy is because you hint at the everlasting ones without being specific. So, to begin with, we don;t know whether Oda has just been arrested and has been asked to write a confession, or if she is writing something to her ex-boyfriend, or a coven of witches or anything… Having all those possibilities out there dangling is like candy to your readers. I think throughout this story you do a great job of maintaining reader interest by stoking the mystery engine of your story. Every question you answer leads to more questions, which I personally feel is the secret to writing a good thriller/suspense story.
Here are specific examples followed by discussion/analysis/advice :D:
Very nice plot/character/setting development technique here:
"You've told me to start this way, with basic facts. Who I was before the Fall." By having your first person narrator refer to 'you' here we already have at least one additional character, a mysterious 'you', which could also refer to multiple characters or even an entire institution or even society. Cool.
I really like the contradiction/dichotomy here:
"I'm not afraid of death, you everlasting f*cks." Okay, now I'm thinking vampires or something supernatural… Again, this plot development/writing technique stokes the interest of your readers. Their imaginations are running wild. Good work.
As I read I find this line intriguing:
"He can't come back anymore. I'll underline it hoping you can finally get it through your blown out brains." Plotwise, I am wondering what "can't come back anymore" means. Hmm…
I like the way you give an alternate reading of Donne's poem here:
"Fifth thing, that Donne guy was right. Death is proud. There. I've already given you something. He's proud. He won't come for me." Also, writing/style-wise you reinforce the 'institutional' aspect of this demand narrative/confession. By having your narrator enumerate consistently we get a sense that this is some kind of 'official' or institutional processing she's going through.
Typo here:
"Because that's thing, isn't it," Think you mean 'Because that's *the* thing,' ;)
I really like the image of a used journal:
"So you've given me this journal that used to belong to someone else. I can tell because the first set of pages are ripped out." It's very evocative. It seems like the the lost pages represent a lost life or a lost soul. All possibilities are so relevant to your story and reinforce the stakes your main character faces.
typo here too:
"Which I guess should be as obvious to you as what this journal looks and fells like." *feels like* not "fells like". :)
Like this!:
"But before you storm into my cell room later screaming about what I've just written, because I can just see it now—your snarling face with the staples down one side where your skull was cracked—throttling me because you think I had some part in all this—I didn't, actually. I mean, I wasn't part of what happened to him—I was just there." I often criticize people for having run-on sentences but this passage really works for me. It seems very stream-of-consciousness and I love the image of the stapled face.
Like this:
"It was hard work, not like in the movies." Just have one suggestion though, but why not make a tiny addition, like 'not like in *on tv* or in the movies'? I just feel like tv shows would be as relevant a reference for this character and those imprisoning her.
Great detail:
"So we beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past." I liked the epitaph. I thought Owen might've liked it too."
Great character reveal here:
"Burying people's not really for the person being buried, you know. It's for the people doing the burying." This is so true. It emphasizes the maturity of your young (not quite 19, right?) protagonist. Not only has she been through a lot, she's wise. She has learned from her (probably horrific) experiences.
Really enjoy asides like this:
"though I doubt you'll give an endless sh*t."
Little confused by this:
"So she disappeared into the rainy dark, big surprise," Just can't quite picture what happened to the dog.
Like this even though I don't quite understand what you mean by 'socket shock':
"Or the socket shock I felt, my hairs standing on end as the fire grew and grew until it looked like it was singing even the cultists' robes and their outstretched arms." I think it works though!
Love the legal jargon at the end!:
"I hereby swear that everything I have written so far is the complete truth, void of lies," This gives me the idea that there really is an institution of some sort involved in imprisoning our heroine. It does a lot to advance the plot in a fun subtle way.
Very fun stuff!
Very best,
m. b. whitlock
4m. b. whitlockRG Depth #4,310
This is a really fun, really thrilling beginning. I really like the way you are developing the voice of your main character, Oda. I also like the way that you are introducing other characters simply having Oda address them, or refer to them, even in les than complete ways with effective, vivid details. Here, I am talking specifically about the 'everlasting ones'. Lots of juicy mysteries woven throughout this with just enough concrete details to give your readers a sense of the world they are entering and a reason to stick around and care about what happens to Oda. :D
So , in this in depth review I will be focusing on discussing the opening, the [lot, characters, dialogue and writing/technique/style.
I think the opening is terrific. I was pretty hooked from the start. I think the main reason it's catchy is because you hint at the everlasting ones without being specific. So, to begin with, we don;t know whether Oda has just been arrested and has been asked to write a confession, or if she is writing something to her ex-boyfriend, or a coven of witches or anything… Having all those possibilities out there dangling is like candy to your readers. I think throughout this story you do a great job of maintaining reader interest by stoking the mystery engine of your story. Every question you answer leads to more questions, which I personally feel is the secret to writing a good thriller/suspense story.
Here are specific examples followed by discussion/analysis/advice :D:
Very nice plot/character/setting development technique here:
"You've told me to start this way, with basic facts. Who I was before the Fall." By having your first person narrator refer to 'you' here we already have at least one additional character, a mysterious 'you', which could also refer to multiple characters or even an entire institution or even society. Cool.
I really like the contradiction/dichotomy here:
"I'm not afraid of death, you everlasting f*cks." Okay, now I'm thinking vampires or something supernatural… Again, this plot development/writing technique stokes the interest of your readers. Their imaginations are running wild. Good work.
As I read I find this line intriguing:
"He can't come back anymore. I'll underline it hoping you can finally get it through your blown out brains." Plotwise, I am wondering what "can't come back anymore" means. Hmm…
I like the way you give an alternate reading of Donne's poem here:
"Fifth thing, that Donne guy was right. Death is proud. There. I've already given you something. He's proud. He won't come for me." Also, writing/style-wise you reinforce the 'institutional' aspect of this demand narrative/confession. By having your narrator enumerate consistently we get a sense that this is some kind of 'official' or institutional processing she's going through.
Typo here:
"Because that's thing, isn't it," Think you mean 'Because that's *the* thing,' ;)
I really like the image of a used journal:
"So you've given me this journal that used to belong to someone else. I can tell because the first set of pages are ripped out." It's very evocative. It seems like the the lost pages represent a lost life or a lost soul. All possibilities are so relevant to your story and reinforce the stakes your main character faces.
typo here too:
"Which I guess should be as obvious to you as what this journal looks and fells like." *feels like* not "fells like". :)
Like this!:
"But before you storm into my cell room later screaming about what I've just written, because I can just see it now—your snarling face with the staples down one side where your skull was cracked—throttling me because you think I had some part in all this—I didn't, actually. I mean, I wasn't part of what happened to him—I was just there." I often criticize people for having run-on sentences but this passage really works for me. It seems very stream-of-consciousness and I love the image of the stapled face.
Like this:
"It was hard work, not like in the movies." Just have one suggestion though, but why not make a tiny addition, like 'not like in *on tv* or in the movies'? I just feel like tv shows would be as relevant a reference for this character and those imprisoning her.
Great detail:
"So we beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past." I liked the epitaph. I thought Owen might've liked it too."
Great character reveal here:
"Burying people's not really for the person being buried, you know. It's for the people doing the burying." This is so true. It emphasizes the maturity of your young (not quite 19, right?) protagonist. Not only has she been through a lot, she's wise. She has learned from her (probably horrific) experiences.
Really enjoy asides like this:
"though I doubt you'll give an endless sh*t."
Little confused by this:
"So she disappeared into the rainy dark, big surprise," Just can't quite picture what happened to the dog.
Like this even though I don't quite understand what you mean by 'socket shock':
"Or the socket shock I felt, my hairs standing on end as the fire grew and grew until it looked like it was singing even the cultists' robes and their outstretched arms." I think it works though!
Love the legal jargon at the end!:
"I hereby swear that everything I have written so far is the complete truth, void of lies," This gives me the idea that there really is an institution of some sort involved in imprisoning our heroine. It does a lot to advance the plot in a fun subtle way.
Very fun stuff!
Very best,
m. b. whitlock
7/28/2014 c1 9faerie-gumdrops
Hey :D.
So Oda seems like a spunky girl in a harsh environment. I liked how you decided to tell this story – it was different and interesting, and I think you demonstrated the medium of the sort of diary entry(?) well, with the underlining and stuff. Oda’s voice was also cool and clear throughout – you can definitely tell how pissed off she is by the fact that she’s being forced to write this. It was nice too to find out more about her personal situation – her brother and what happened to him, the fact that he’s not even buried under his own name.
I also liked the zombie story sort of aspect to it. I can tell there’s a lot going on that we only see very little of (e.g. that some people become immortal, some people die and become zombies?). And I suppose many of the interactions between Oda and death? There’s definitely a sense of a bigger story going on, which really interests me.
I think CCwise, you could maybe cut out a few bits and bobs – redundant sentences and stuff? Only because there is a lot going on here, and you can probably afford to make it a bit lighter? Like maybe the details about the dog (she doesn’t seem to really add to the plot)? Ummm example is ‘I’m not afraid of that. I’m not even afraid of what happens when I don’t exist’ – these could probably just be merged into a shorter sentence to make it read a little faster. Totally up to you though!
9faerie-gumdropsHey :D.
So Oda seems like a spunky girl in a harsh environment. I liked how you decided to tell this story – it was different and interesting, and I think you demonstrated the medium of the sort of diary entry(?) well, with the underlining and stuff. Oda’s voice was also cool and clear throughout – you can definitely tell how pissed off she is by the fact that she’s being forced to write this. It was nice too to find out more about her personal situation – her brother and what happened to him, the fact that he’s not even buried under his own name.
I also liked the zombie story sort of aspect to it. I can tell there’s a lot going on that we only see very little of (e.g. that some people become immortal, some people die and become zombies?). And I suppose many of the interactions between Oda and death? There’s definitely a sense of a bigger story going on, which really interests me.
I think CCwise, you could maybe cut out a few bits and bobs – redundant sentences and stuff? Only because there is a lot going on here, and you can probably afford to make it a bit lighter? Like maybe the details about the dog (she doesn’t seem to really add to the plot)? Ummm example is ‘I’m not afraid of that. I’m not even afraid of what happens when I don’t exist’ – these could probably just be merged into a shorter sentence to make it read a little faster. Totally up to you though!