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for Sky-Titans vs The Legend of the Wolf: Dawn of Justice

7/30/2019 c2 22Brendan Rizzo
All right. We open with some nice description of Zero getting used to his new body, and his confusion is fully evident through the narration. So I was wrong last time; I was misled by the reference to "fur". But this immediately tells us, even knowing nothing about Zero, that he is neither originally human nor otherwise mammalian. He also has never seen a mirror before, first calling it a "vertical lake". (At first I thought he was somewhere gravity was abnormal.)

Funny how Stringy says she won't reveal her identity, but then immediately says her full legal name. (Oh, and I forgot to say this last time, but you don't need to describe the specific font the I on their uniforms is in. It detracts from the narrative flow.)

Well, Zero does not fully trust these fellows. I'm sure that will change soon. And we get an inkling of the villain, Anzen. Just make sure to read over your work in order to correct misspellings the spellchecker will not catch.

On to chapter three.
7/30/2019 c1 Brendan Rizzo
I am sorry for taking so long to respond. That was my fault; I rarely check my emails. But I wanted to uphold my end of our agreement, and since all of your stories appear to be part of the same series, I started with the bottom of the list. I hope that that isn't necessary for me to get what is happening.

I am vaguely familiar with CardMaster123 and his works, though it has been a long time since I've read any. Yours are better than what I remember of his, but there are still some things I can recommend you improve upon.

The most important is to keep in mind that dialogue is always on a paragraph to itself. You must begin a new paragraph when a character's lines end, or else it is difficult to follow. You have one case where a character utters a single sentence but the narration leads into a long paragraph about a similar topic, in the same narrative voice, which threw me for a loop. That brings me to my other point, that perspective changes ought to be made organically, so you should never feel the need to mark them explicitly. And though Mopy and your other characters seem fine, I can't help but find her narration style annoying, since she mostly uses short sentences beginning with the first person pronoun. Using third person limited would have been better in that this would not have happened.

But that all being said, the story is interesting. I take it the man they find is not the narrator of the second part, who has been transformed into some furry creature. His story will be interesting; meeting up with the other heroes and getting turned back to normal.

Well, this is only the beginning, so I'll read the next chapter now.
2/19/2015 c6 356Imaginary Immortal
This story reminds me of the Avengers
10/21/2014 c6 CardMaster123
Nice chapter! The concept is interesting, but.. Lots of... Awkward moments with each character (Torrent and Zero) coming into play. Also, Torrent is kind of a prankster (but can be serious when need be), in case you couldn't tell from his in-story actions.

Torrent's Hissatsu is an offensive-type hissatsu that allows him to cloak various body parts (legs, hands, torsos, ect.) in a sticky gelatinous form of water. He does this and cloaks his fists and legs in water, going on to preform several kung-fu-esque moves.

'Kay? Just an idea. Keep up the good work, Daniel!
9/30/2014 c5 CardMaster123
The "girl in your girl" thing at the start looked kinda odd to me, along with the "hot" bit.
Try proofreading before updating; I'm not saying you don't.
9/6/2014 c4 CardMaster123
This chapter's not that bad. Anzen is... somewhat not what I had in mind.
Violate is actually spelt "violet", FYI.

Good luck on the next chapter!
8/13/2014 c1 anonminny
update soon .
8/13/2014 c3 CardMaster123
First off, it's "violet" for when Radii is introduced.
Then "torcher" is supposed to be "torture" when Zero's imagining the tour with Stringy.
Finally, Zero's first confrontation with Copula when he (Zero) says that he wants to know why Copula is 'holding him captive'; it needs to be "I said", not "he said", 'cause it sounds like Copula's speaking.
8/4/2014 c1 3Multiverse
OOOOOOH! This riveting indeed! We love this story unanimously, as always your dialogue and descriptive writing is sot on and your characters are distinguishable. Besides the fact that they were animals... Yeah, were definitely sucked into this one. Did you write this for a friend on hear? You should continue this. Please update! R4R
8/4/2014 c2 CardMaster123
Nice job!

You can still call the animals powers Hissatsu(s) if you'd like.
8/1/2014 c1 356Imaginary Immortal
I loved the first person point of views. I want there to be more to the story. You should add more chapters this story.
7/30/2014 c1 CardMaster123
Good use of my characters! Keep up the good work!

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