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9/15/2014 c5 1Tosha Goff
He says that he doesn't really remember anything in this, but in chapter 3 he tells that girl that the important memories came back. I'm probably looking too far into this, but was that mistake or did he just tell her that to get her out of his room? And I see that the plot is thickening, but I'm getting suspicious. Maybe his hate for everyone is his subconscious trying to tell him something? ... Or maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Either way, I really like this story so far. I'm definitely going to keep reading this.
9/15/2014 c4 Tosha Goff
"While they were busing pulling strings, he was busy watching everything fall apart." I don't know if you intended for it to be a word, but wouldn't it be 'busy' instead of 'busing'? From what I can see, that was the only mistake other than the dash at the beginning (but then again that's just my opinion). I do like where this is going, and I like the metaphorical chain he mentions. I wish I could say more, but I don't want to sound like a broken record.
9/15/2014 c3 Tosha Goff
This chapter just makes me even more curious as to what the fuck happened to him to make him forget everything, though I do feel the same way that the main character feels toward her. There's nothing there to feel any sympathy towards this girl. There's not much for me to say about this chapter. I liked it, don't get me wrong, but I can't find anything to say other than telling you again that I'm getting a bad vibe about their little meeting.
9/15/2014 c2 Tosha Goff
It might be where you just now re-edited these chapters, but I didn't find any mistakes in this one. I'm curious as to what's going on and I feel like it's going to be a big reveal when he remembers who he is. I'm liking the main character so far, and the idea of this story. It's really nice to see the character work to find out who they are, but in this one he doesn't want to remember and I think that's even more awesome. But I found myself asking, why does he hate his wife so much? Maybe it's because he doesn't remember anything, and I can understand, especially where he's in shock from being married to someone he doesn't know. Like I said before, this might be going to a big reveal later in the story.
9/15/2014 c1 Tosha Goff
This chapter is tense. I'm curious as to what in the world's going on with him and what the accident was. I got the creeping suspicion that either she killed someone or she set it up, but that might be just me. I have a feeling I'm going to really like this story. Now, on to the constructive criticism: I really didn't find any mistake, but something did irk me at the beginning of the chapter.
"-I don't know you-get away from me-stop touching me-what does that mean-I never said it, I really, really didn't-never said 'I do' and you can't make me-don't touch me- get away, get away, get away-"
This isn't really a problem and you could ignore me if you want to, but I'd suggest that; if you have Microsoft Word, I don't know if this works on other word processors, but to do two dashes instead of one. Like I said, it's not a big problem, but it's just what I thought and you could look it over if you want to.
8/28/2014 c1 Music4Life6
This was excellent! I loved it :) I loved how you portrayed the emotions and contrasted and compared them (such as how the girl and people are happy but he's bewildered), I love how you kept the characts ananymous because that added to the suspense and mystery, and I loved this story. I honestly see no problems in this story excepet the last line; I'm not that good at punctation but maybe you should take out tje coma before tje "and" word. But if you think it's right and everyone else does then I have no compliants. Keep up the brilliant work!
8/18/2014 c2 7Arkenn
Hm... Odd.

Odd in that I've never read anything like this. I must admit to liking this chapter more than the previous one. I think it does the information-veil much more effectively, probably through the fact that the increase of dialogue means one can keep up without too many hard stops.

It still obscures a fair amount of information. It's easy to follow but it's like grasping a thread in the middle. Where it came from is arbitrary, and the destination is just as impossible to tell. You just assume you are going forwards because that's the way you are traveling.

The reason I say that is because here it is hard to tell if this is the time during his accident (and he is seeing his wife to-be) or if this is after the marriage where he fell apart. Or sometime completely different from the others. This I like, because I can make an assumption based on my own inference without breaking the immersion.

All-in-all, a great chapter. I don't know how long the information covering will go on before things get too distorted, but I am still interested in the storyline and where it might take me next.
8/13/2014 c1 Arkenn
I'm a fan of short opening chapters, but I have to admit there is a bit of a brevity issue here.

The tone is consistently in a type of panic, the sentences are short to get across this feeling of uncertainty or difficulty in thinking. It is useful when the character itself and the surroundings are supposed to be dissonant, but I think it might be used just a tad but much here. This could be a case of personal preference, that I will admit.

Hard stops in writing put strain, intentionally, in the persons reading of the story. It makes it so people have to stop often and move on, making it difficult to piece together an entire understanding of what is going on. It is a very useful element but here I think it may be a bit too prevalent. But that's in the reading, so it is incredibly difficult for me to point at one particular thing and say 'that's the kernel which tips it over'. This could be isolated to me, and I could just be picky :P All said, I think the stops are just a tad hard here.

Assuming that you wanted to veil as much information as possible here, I think you have done a wonderful job of setting the scene of this particular point while giving little away. More is known (mostly inferred) about the 'bride' than the 'groom', meaning that it is a bit difficult to know the context of the wedding. Is this a case of cold feet? Is this a culmination of doubts? Here it isn't that clear, and the final sentence about the world ending does create omen but it's a bit disconnected. That is probably intention to be explained in a later chapter, so that is no great issue here. I might prefer if there was just a bit more retro-omen (if that's a term) with foreboding a bit of what lead up to this. The state of the 'Groom' is a bit... Perplexing if I am totally honest.

All in all, I'm not sold on the intro, but I know that it is going places. Characters are set, if not by name then by 'bride' and 'groom', foreboding future and past is set through the lack of information on the state of groom before intro, something connecting the two through an 'accident' is also made clear. All in all it sets the story for the next chapter nicely. It isn't to my preference, but that's a non-issue, and I think you have done well all-in-all.
8/12/2014 c1 1Sarena Lake
Interesting... But i think the throwing up all over the hair, dress and flowers part is a little too dramatic.

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