for Torn Out Pages in Life12/30/2014 c1 T
It's weird but fascinating in its own way, I'd love to read more of it. The plot and the way it's written just keeps me wanting more. Great story and I like he way it's written, although I think it looks more like a draft rather than a finished piece. Otherwise good job and we'll done to the author.
It's weird but fascinating in its own way, I'd love to read more of it. The plot and the way it's written just keeps me wanting more. Great story and I like he way it's written, although I think it looks more like a draft rather than a finished piece. Otherwise good job and we'll done to the author.
12/30/2014 c1 
16One Last Note
Hello Siv!
Ok, so firstly, this made me laugh from the moment I read the description, so well done! I took notes on things to improve while I was reading it, so there's gonna be a few negative comments before you get to the nice things I have to say later!
In the first sentence, the parenthesis doesn't really work somehow. I understand that you were trying to include the reader and set it up as a very personal thing, but there are subtler and smoother way to achieve this - perhaps try "(and frankly rather ugly) desk.
The use of "uncomfortably far away for my liking" is repetition (with uncomfortable being synonymous with "for my liking" in this context).
Excellent use of short sentences in the last line of that paragraph!
Nice line to start the next paragraph, but there's either a typo or a grammar mistake; you shouldn't use a dash and then ellipses because they are both pauses. Also, put a comma betwenen "It's comfortable, shut up" as shown.
Nonetheless is one word :). Because it is one word, there is no need for the parenthesis of commas used.
Beyond that, I loved the serious message in it, and think that this deserves WAAAAAAAY more than 10 reviews, so I'm afraid I have to recommend it to all of my friends on here to try and make you lose that bet. I also think that the humour was incredibly well executed.
I know this was a dare, but I really connect with the idea of being tired of helping people because I kinda do that all the time - I'm one of life's carers and I have been through those exact moments many times myself. I don't want to presume whether or not you have (being writers we always take on different personas) but I can tell you that you described them perfectly!
Again, I loved this! All that I have been able to point out for improvement are tiny operational changes, and I hope you make them because this is a story that will be changed from brilliant to perfect in my eyes!
Many thanks,
- Inky
16One Last NoteHello Siv!
Ok, so firstly, this made me laugh from the moment I read the description, so well done! I took notes on things to improve while I was reading it, so there's gonna be a few negative comments before you get to the nice things I have to say later!
In the first sentence, the parenthesis doesn't really work somehow. I understand that you were trying to include the reader and set it up as a very personal thing, but there are subtler and smoother way to achieve this - perhaps try "(and frankly rather ugly) desk.
The use of "uncomfortably far away for my liking" is repetition (with uncomfortable being synonymous with "for my liking" in this context).
Excellent use of short sentences in the last line of that paragraph!
Nice line to start the next paragraph, but there's either a typo or a grammar mistake; you shouldn't use a dash and then ellipses because they are both pauses. Also, put a comma betwenen "It's comfortable, shut up" as shown.
Nonetheless is one word :). Because it is one word, there is no need for the parenthesis of commas used.
Beyond that, I loved the serious message in it, and think that this deserves WAAAAAAAY more than 10 reviews, so I'm afraid I have to recommend it to all of my friends on here to try and make you lose that bet. I also think that the humour was incredibly well executed.
I know this was a dare, but I really connect with the idea of being tired of helping people because I kinda do that all the time - I'm one of life's carers and I have been through those exact moments many times myself. I don't want to presume whether or not you have (being writers we always take on different personas) but I can tell you that you described them perfectly!
Again, I loved this! All that I have been able to point out for improvement are tiny operational changes, and I hope you make them because this is a story that will be changed from brilliant to perfect in my eyes!
Many thanks,
- Inky