for The 30-Day Trial2/14/2015 c30 Trekhorse42
...wow. I have spent the past week reading this, and it is so amazing! I can tell a lot of work has been put into it because it clearly shows. Every chapter has a great hook, and that made it really hard to stop reading. The entire story also flows well, and I feel like the characters are real people! The plot is also interesting as a whole, and it has all the ups and downs like a published book does. However, I did feel the ending was rushed, because the note seemed to come out of nowhere and then there were only twenty minutes left on the bombs. It also seemed a bit unrealistic that she knew how to disable them, but because they live on a different world maybe the design of the bombs is simpler. I also found the part about Earth interesting, and seeing how it was brought up several times, I thought something was going to be done with it. Anyways, amazing story! It was definitly worth reading.
...wow. I have spent the past week reading this, and it is so amazing! I can tell a lot of work has been put into it because it clearly shows. Every chapter has a great hook, and that made it really hard to stop reading. The entire story also flows well, and I feel like the characters are real people! The plot is also interesting as a whole, and it has all the ups and downs like a published book does. However, I did feel the ending was rushed, because the note seemed to come out of nowhere and then there were only twenty minutes left on the bombs. It also seemed a bit unrealistic that she knew how to disable them, but because they live on a different world maybe the design of the bombs is simpler. I also found the part about Earth interesting, and seeing how it was brought up several times, I thought something was going to be done with it. Anyways, amazing story! It was definitly worth reading.
1/18/2015 c11 TheGreatEscaper
Well, a lot of things sure happened in this year!
Rebekah was very mysterious and you built up tension well, but this also meant the final 'confrontation' felt like a tiny bit of a letdown. Apart from that and a couple of typos here and there, this story is developing really nicely, and this fictional world you have made is really starting to take shape.
One thing I find a bit strange though is that there's been no interaction with Life Lovers for a while now. It's all Fearless. I guess there's still a lot of time left for that to happen but I almost forgot that they existed!
There's a lot to be curious about here and the banter between Iil and Ray is really fun to read.
I can't wait to read the next year!
Well, a lot of things sure happened in this year!
Rebekah was very mysterious and you built up tension well, but this also meant the final 'confrontation' felt like a tiny bit of a letdown. Apart from that and a couple of typos here and there, this story is developing really nicely, and this fictional world you have made is really starting to take shape.
One thing I find a bit strange though is that there's been no interaction with Life Lovers for a while now. It's all Fearless. I guess there's still a lot of time left for that to happen but I almost forgot that they existed!
There's a lot to be curious about here and the banter between Iil and Ray is really fun to read.
I can't wait to read the next year!
12/31/2014 c3 
8TheGirlWhoRambled
Sorry for taking ages to get to this O.o I’ve been much, much busier that I thought… Anyway, here I am at last xD
This chapter was definitely the best so far. This trial sounds very interesting, and I really liked your descriptions of the cavern or whatever it was :P It’s kind of creepy they can read minds their though O.o Still, I’m excited to finally learn more about the fearless. One thing I did find strange is that apparently kids apparently don’t have fearless thoughts? Most kids I know will do the craziest of things without being afraid of death. If anything fear of death is something I associate with adults, not children. I don’t know, that seemed odd to me.
Haha, I must say I find Ray’s friendship (?) with Eddard amusing. It made me laugh when she was like “Eddard never complains). I don’t usually laugh out loud when I read stories so that’s an achievement :P
“I glare at him and say sneering” should be something like “I glare at him and say sneeringly,” or “I glare at him, sneering” and then just continue with the dialogue since it’s not necessary to write that she’s saying something.
The rabbit’s behaviour still bothers me too, but I won’t rant again xD Also, about that – why do they have rabbits and other earth plants (apple trees, rice plants) if it’s an alien world? I mean, if there really are other planets they wouldn’t have the same animals as Earth, they’d have their own species. Same with the rice and apples, wouldn’t they have their own plants and common foods? I know it seems a little silly to nag about these things, but they are things that readers will pick up on.
8TheGirlWhoRambledSorry for taking ages to get to this O.o I’ve been much, much busier that I thought… Anyway, here I am at last xD
This chapter was definitely the best so far. This trial sounds very interesting, and I really liked your descriptions of the cavern or whatever it was :P It’s kind of creepy they can read minds their though O.o Still, I’m excited to finally learn more about the fearless. One thing I did find strange is that apparently kids apparently don’t have fearless thoughts? Most kids I know will do the craziest of things without being afraid of death. If anything fear of death is something I associate with adults, not children. I don’t know, that seemed odd to me.
Haha, I must say I find Ray’s friendship (?) with Eddard amusing. It made me laugh when she was like “Eddard never complains). I don’t usually laugh out loud when I read stories so that’s an achievement :P
“I glare at him and say sneering” should be something like “I glare at him and say sneeringly,” or “I glare at him, sneering” and then just continue with the dialogue since it’s not necessary to write that she’s saying something.
The rabbit’s behaviour still bothers me too, but I won’t rant again xD Also, about that – why do they have rabbits and other earth plants (apple trees, rice plants) if it’s an alien world? I mean, if there really are other planets they wouldn’t have the same animals as Earth, they’d have their own species. Same with the rice and apples, wouldn’t they have their own plants and common foods? I know it seems a little silly to nag about these things, but they are things that readers will pick up on.
12/31/2014 c1 1EquestrianGirl
Interesting beginning. I like the background information given at the beginning because it gets the reader oriented in where the story takes place and everything that's going on, which is good. I like how the characters talk and think about Earth, and I'm wondering if that's going to come into play later on. However, at the end, the dialogue didn't seem very realistic, and it felt sort of rushed. Other than that, I can't wait to read more!
1EquestrianGirlInteresting beginning. I like the background information given at the beginning because it gets the reader oriented in where the story takes place and everything that's going on, which is good. I like how the characters talk and think about Earth, and I'm wondering if that's going to come into play later on. However, at the end, the dialogue didn't seem very realistic, and it felt sort of rushed. Other than that, I can't wait to read more!
12/31/2014 c7 1TheTigress
Back to reviewing! Sorry this took so long.
I like the cliffhanger you left the chapter on, and I like how you did her nightmare because I could feel her horror (reminded me of Katniss's hallucinations in Hunger Games). I just have a few technical things to point out that you may or may not be aware of:
1) I was a little disappointed that there was all this build-up to the part of her dying and then... it just kind of ends up being nothing. Especially since the name if the book is 30 Day Trial, I was expecting it to be about the 30 days. Obviously you have more plot going on here, and it's an interesting plot, but I just felt a little misled to believe that this was going to climax in her actual death.
2) I know she pointed out that she was the youngest person to ever become a Tester, but I want to know- WHY did they let her become a Tester at 11 years of age? Just because she died and came back doesn't qualify her to work in a lab especially if she's a little kid. It kind of seemed unrealistic to me.
3) Okay this may be done intentionally but Ray tends to get too easily annoyed for no reason. Iil isn't annoying in my opinion, so I don't know why she finds him so annoying. She seems to be pretty bi-polar around him, but if this is how she's supposed to be then by all means keep it that way. I just think it's inconsistent. As for her not knowing what Iil means by more than friends... I don't think a person could be so blind to not know what that implies, especially an 11 year old with soon-to-be teenage hormones. :D
4) There were a couple of mistakes, for example you used "to" when it should have been "too" a few times, and when you DID use "too" it should have been "to". It's an easy fix with some quick proofreading. At one point you wrote that "We both go up for more water." I think you meant for more air. :)
5) Lastly (and this is nothing new, I've mentioned it before), they have apples on an alien planet? The more we find out about their world the more human it seems to me except for their belief system, which is a little confusing in itself.
6) I still don't understand the magical stairs or the reason for the Trial or a lot of things... I hope those will be cleared up soon.
Mostly I just see structural issues with the story. It's not a bad story, but I'm just having a hard time identifying the parts of the story (rising action, climax, ect.). So I don't know when to appropriately be excited or when something is not going to go anywhere so I shouldn't worry about it.
1TheTigressBack to reviewing! Sorry this took so long.
I like the cliffhanger you left the chapter on, and I like how you did her nightmare because I could feel her horror (reminded me of Katniss's hallucinations in Hunger Games). I just have a few technical things to point out that you may or may not be aware of:
1) I was a little disappointed that there was all this build-up to the part of her dying and then... it just kind of ends up being nothing. Especially since the name if the book is 30 Day Trial, I was expecting it to be about the 30 days. Obviously you have more plot going on here, and it's an interesting plot, but I just felt a little misled to believe that this was going to climax in her actual death.
2) I know she pointed out that she was the youngest person to ever become a Tester, but I want to know- WHY did they let her become a Tester at 11 years of age? Just because she died and came back doesn't qualify her to work in a lab especially if she's a little kid. It kind of seemed unrealistic to me.
3) Okay this may be done intentionally but Ray tends to get too easily annoyed for no reason. Iil isn't annoying in my opinion, so I don't know why she finds him so annoying. She seems to be pretty bi-polar around him, but if this is how she's supposed to be then by all means keep it that way. I just think it's inconsistent. As for her not knowing what Iil means by more than friends... I don't think a person could be so blind to not know what that implies, especially an 11 year old with soon-to-be teenage hormones. :D
4) There were a couple of mistakes, for example you used "to" when it should have been "too" a few times, and when you DID use "too" it should have been "to". It's an easy fix with some quick proofreading. At one point you wrote that "We both go up for more water." I think you meant for more air. :)
5) Lastly (and this is nothing new, I've mentioned it before), they have apples on an alien planet? The more we find out about their world the more human it seems to me except for their belief system, which is a little confusing in itself.
6) I still don't understand the magical stairs or the reason for the Trial or a lot of things... I hope those will be cleared up soon.
Mostly I just see structural issues with the story. It's not a bad story, but I'm just having a hard time identifying the parts of the story (rising action, climax, ect.). So I don't know when to appropriately be excited or when something is not going to go anywhere so I shouldn't worry about it.
12/15/2014 c2 Blazing Lights
K, this is a rather pointless review but is is just to tell you that I gonna come back to this story. Give at least two more in depth reviews and get caught up in the story.
Anyways chapter two was pretty swell.
Have a Wondrous Day!:)
K, this is a rather pointless review but is is just to tell you that I gonna come back to this story. Give at least two more in depth reviews and get caught up in the story.
Anyways chapter two was pretty swell.
Have a Wondrous Day!:)
11/24/2014 c2 8TheGirlWhoRambled
This was a great chapter. I love your dialogue. You make both the characters act their age and their banter is really enjoyable. I also like when Ray talks to Eddard xD It’s funny and seems the sort of crazy thing some young ten year-olds would do.
Anyway, I’m really curious about what will happen next. I feel like something big is going to happen in the next chapter or the one after, and I’m excited to find out.
Some errors I found:
“A strange boy who wants me to go who knows where to see who knows what” The wording of this sentence confused me. I think it should be something like “A strange boy wants me to go…” or “I met a strange boy who wants me to go…”
“It’s absurd by how much he cares about these silly things”. This would sound better as “It’s absurd how much…”
“Flattery get’s you no where, girl” should be “Flattery gets you nowhere, girl”
“indecent at the pond” should be “incident at the pond” or “indecent incident at the pond”
Also, correct me if I’m wrong (I know nothing about mountain climbing, so it's likely :P) but I believe you’re using the word incline incorrectly. Doesn’t it mean that someone feels they have to do something, like: “I feel inclined to wash my car.” You seemed to be using it to mean an… increased slope of the mountain, or something? Honestly I wasn’t sure, I struggled to make sense of that paragraph (the one that starts with “I look in front of me…”)
Also, I found it hard to believe that Ray could restrain Bani with a rope around its neck. Rabbits are pretty wriggly, and I would have thought you’d need a harness or something to stop him from wriggling out of it or choking himself (even if the rope was not tight enough to choke him he could still choke when struggling). I found his whole behaviour quite unrealistic too – Ray’s only had him for a day, he was a wild rabbit before and yet he’s suddenly behaving quite like a domesticated pet. He wouldn’t become accustomed to her that quickly. Like when he stopped struggling against the rope and decided to just happily play or whatever – A wild animal wouldn’t do that. The first time I put my puppy on a leash she sat down and refused to walk, absolutely hating it and she has lived with humans her whole life. A wild animal would be even less willing, especially since Bani is a rabbit, not a dog. Sorry for ranting, by the way. I have a slight obsession with animals xD
8TheGirlWhoRambledThis was a great chapter. I love your dialogue. You make both the characters act their age and their banter is really enjoyable. I also like when Ray talks to Eddard xD It’s funny and seems the sort of crazy thing some young ten year-olds would do.
Anyway, I’m really curious about what will happen next. I feel like something big is going to happen in the next chapter or the one after, and I’m excited to find out.
Some errors I found:
“A strange boy who wants me to go who knows where to see who knows what” The wording of this sentence confused me. I think it should be something like “A strange boy wants me to go…” or “I met a strange boy who wants me to go…”
“It’s absurd by how much he cares about these silly things”. This would sound better as “It’s absurd how much…”
“Flattery get’s you no where, girl” should be “Flattery gets you nowhere, girl”
“indecent at the pond” should be “incident at the pond” or “indecent incident at the pond”
Also, correct me if I’m wrong (I know nothing about mountain climbing, so it's likely :P) but I believe you’re using the word incline incorrectly. Doesn’t it mean that someone feels they have to do something, like: “I feel inclined to wash my car.” You seemed to be using it to mean an… increased slope of the mountain, or something? Honestly I wasn’t sure, I struggled to make sense of that paragraph (the one that starts with “I look in front of me…”)
Also, I found it hard to believe that Ray could restrain Bani with a rope around its neck. Rabbits are pretty wriggly, and I would have thought you’d need a harness or something to stop him from wriggling out of it or choking himself (even if the rope was not tight enough to choke him he could still choke when struggling). I found his whole behaviour quite unrealistic too – Ray’s only had him for a day, he was a wild rabbit before and yet he’s suddenly behaving quite like a domesticated pet. He wouldn’t become accustomed to her that quickly. Like when he stopped struggling against the rope and decided to just happily play or whatever – A wild animal wouldn’t do that. The first time I put my puppy on a leash she sat down and refused to walk, absolutely hating it and she has lived with humans her whole life. A wild animal would be even less willing, especially since Bani is a rabbit, not a dog. Sorry for ranting, by the way. I have a slight obsession with animals xD
11/23/2014 c6 1TheTigress
Omg I can't wait to see what happens next. :D This is the moment we've all been waiting for...
I just have one thing to say that isn't really a complaint but just a thought:
I thought it was rather odd that Ray thought Ill was weak for being afraid of her when she gets so angry at him. I mean, it's understandable to me that he would be afraid because he just made his best friend get beyond angry at him and he's afraid to lose her. It's not really weakness, but I guess Ray is also very young and may interpret it as such. Still, for her to suddenly feel such a strong, negative emotion out of the blue when only moments before she had found comfort in Ill, it was a little out of place.
1TheTigressOmg I can't wait to see what happens next. :D This is the moment we've all been waiting for...
I just have one thing to say that isn't really a complaint but just a thought:
I thought it was rather odd that Ray thought Ill was weak for being afraid of her when she gets so angry at him. I mean, it's understandable to me that he would be afraid because he just made his best friend get beyond angry at him and he's afraid to lose her. It's not really weakness, but I guess Ray is also very young and may interpret it as such. Still, for her to suddenly feel such a strong, negative emotion out of the blue when only moments before she had found comfort in Ill, it was a little out of place.
11/21/2014 c6 TheGreatEscaper
Just finished reading the first year, and I've got to say you've got a very interesting concept/set up here that could go in many interesting directions.
What you've done best so far that other stories sometimes struggle with is the 'mythology' or background of this world. Lots of stories stumble by introducing lots of it at the same time or not enough, making a less believable world. You've managed to slowly ease little bits in here and there very well that keep the story going while also providing background info.
However, there are many paragraphs and sentences that are grammatically awkward or simply incorrect. It doesn't really affect the story too much but it can draw the reader out of it a little bit.
I agree with some other reviewers about these 'Beans' being too similar to humans, but maybe that's intentional. Also, the meeting with the mysterious girl while Ray speaks with Eddard feels a little forced.
I really like the story so far and how you've been developing the world, just work a bit on the grammatical expression (I know, I'm being nitpicky here) and it'll be a winner ;).
Just finished reading the first year, and I've got to say you've got a very interesting concept/set up here that could go in many interesting directions.
What you've done best so far that other stories sometimes struggle with is the 'mythology' or background of this world. Lots of stories stumble by introducing lots of it at the same time or not enough, making a less believable world. You've managed to slowly ease little bits in here and there very well that keep the story going while also providing background info.
However, there are many paragraphs and sentences that are grammatically awkward or simply incorrect. It doesn't really affect the story too much but it can draw the reader out of it a little bit.
I agree with some other reviewers about these 'Beans' being too similar to humans, but maybe that's intentional. Also, the meeting with the mysterious girl while Ray speaks with Eddard feels a little forced.
I really like the story so far and how you've been developing the world, just work a bit on the grammatical expression (I know, I'm being nitpicky here) and it'll be a winner ;).
11/11/2014 c1 8TheGirlWhoRambled
Hey, sorry for taking so long to get to this! I really enjoyed it :) You’ve definitely set up an interesting plot here, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens. I found the name “Life Lovers” a bit confusing though. I’m not sure if that’s the best term to use for them, considering most people (including myself) associate loving life with not being afraid of taking risks and living life to the fullest instead of being afraid of death. Perhaps that was intentional though, because it is ironic that they call themselves that even though it really means something else.
I like the idea of a different alien race. Their name made me laugh :P But… I don’t really see the point of making them an alien race if they’re exactly like humans. They even have the same animals on the planet as they do on Earth (rabbits). I know this is a story but I don’t really find that plausible in terms of sci-fi stuff. Unless they actually are just humans but they don’t know it, or something :P They are called Beans, like “human beings” so at the moment my theory is they’re actually humans who got separated from Earth and have since forgotten where they came from (or the government has hidden it from them or something). And since then they’ve evolved weird hair colours and eyes :P
I admire your portrayal of Ray. Particularly because her inner thoughts and stuff make her actually seem like a ten-year old, when I’ve read countless stories where kids sound like adults. Overall this was really interesting – her meeting with Iil was funny, I laughed several times xD
There were a few awkward wordings here and there, but otherwise I think it was well written. I can point them out if you’d like, but I’m not sure if other reviewers already have. One recurring problem I did notice – when you write dialogue, it should be like this:
“Thanks,” I reply.
With a comma after the dialogue instead of a full stop like you were writing. Sorry, that’s really picky, but it’s one of those things that just bothers me :P
And finally, sorry for rambling so much xD
8TheGirlWhoRambledHey, sorry for taking so long to get to this! I really enjoyed it :) You’ve definitely set up an interesting plot here, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens. I found the name “Life Lovers” a bit confusing though. I’m not sure if that’s the best term to use for them, considering most people (including myself) associate loving life with not being afraid of taking risks and living life to the fullest instead of being afraid of death. Perhaps that was intentional though, because it is ironic that they call themselves that even though it really means something else.
I like the idea of a different alien race. Their name made me laugh :P But… I don’t really see the point of making them an alien race if they’re exactly like humans. They even have the same animals on the planet as they do on Earth (rabbits). I know this is a story but I don’t really find that plausible in terms of sci-fi stuff. Unless they actually are just humans but they don’t know it, or something :P They are called Beans, like “human beings” so at the moment my theory is they’re actually humans who got separated from Earth and have since forgotten where they came from (or the government has hidden it from them or something). And since then they’ve evolved weird hair colours and eyes :P
I admire your portrayal of Ray. Particularly because her inner thoughts and stuff make her actually seem like a ten-year old, when I’ve read countless stories where kids sound like adults. Overall this was really interesting – her meeting with Iil was funny, I laughed several times xD
There were a few awkward wordings here and there, but otherwise I think it was well written. I can point them out if you’d like, but I’m not sure if other reviewers already have. One recurring problem I did notice – when you write dialogue, it should be like this:
“Thanks,” I reply.
With a comma after the dialogue instead of a full stop like you were writing. Sorry, that’s really picky, but it’s one of those things that just bothers me :P
And finally, sorry for rambling so much xD
11/8/2014 c14 Guest
pale white eyes yooo
pale white eyes yooo
11/7/2014 c5 1TheTigress
Interesting bit about Trever. Perhaps he was the one who invented the machine... hmmm... One thing I wanted to mention, not just about this chapter but in general, is that I would actually like to see the conversations that the characters have instead of you just writing "and this is the conversation we had". I think it takes so much away from the characterization, and it doesn't allow the reader to really see the relationships between the characters. Actions say a lot, but I like things to be shown rather than told. I think that one of the most revealing things about a character is their dialogue, and it's not just what they say it's how they say it and what particular words they choose. I found it hard to connect with Ill and Ray here when it should have been a revealing conversation. I do like the ending of the chapter- emotionally it was good- but the middle needed more of that.
1TheTigressInteresting bit about Trever. Perhaps he was the one who invented the machine... hmmm... One thing I wanted to mention, not just about this chapter but in general, is that I would actually like to see the conversations that the characters have instead of you just writing "and this is the conversation we had". I think it takes so much away from the characterization, and it doesn't allow the reader to really see the relationships between the characters. Actions say a lot, but I like things to be shown rather than told. I think that one of the most revealing things about a character is their dialogue, and it's not just what they say it's how they say it and what particular words they choose. I found it hard to connect with Ill and Ray here when it should have been a revealing conversation. I do like the ending of the chapter- emotionally it was good- but the middle needed more of that.
11/4/2014 c4 TheTigress
I still don't understand why and how they can read each others' minds lol...
Aw it's cute how she worries about Eddard. That's probably one of my favorite parts of this story. Her adorable relationship with a mountain. XD
And hello...who is this girl? I wonder if we'll see more of her later...
I still don't understand why and how they can read each others' minds lol...
Aw it's cute how she worries about Eddard. That's probably one of my favorite parts of this story. Her adorable relationship with a mountain. XD
And hello...who is this girl? I wonder if we'll see more of her later...
10/28/2014 c3 TheTigress
I totally didn't review chapter two...I'll go back and do that later XD Wow, this escalated quickly. I have to say I totally didn't see the whole trial thing coming. I mean yeah the title of the story is the 30 Day Trial lol but what I was expecting the trial to be was much different than what it really is. I like the concept of it. I'm actually really curious to see what that trial is like... and I'm assuming Ray is too? XD
Lol Ray is so grouchy. I don't think Iil is that annoying. Poor Iil. A lot of things still need to be explained, like why in the world can they read each others' minds? And are the stairs really magic? If so, who put them there? How did these guys discover it? I'm not sure if you elaborate on that later, but as of now those are my questions. It still bothers me that their "alien" world is so human-like, but that's really not a huge deal.
Remember when I made you a list of all of your spelling/grammar mistakes for chapter one and then you did the same for my story? I actually liked that because it helped me spot a lot of things in my writing. I can make lists for all of your chapters if you want, but I won't put them here in the reviews because I think it's too long. I can pm them to you and vice-versa (If you want to help me edit, that is, because I know it's a tedious job. You don't have to, but if you do decide to I think pm is the best way to go).
I totally didn't review chapter two...I'll go back and do that later XD Wow, this escalated quickly. I have to say I totally didn't see the whole trial thing coming. I mean yeah the title of the story is the 30 Day Trial lol but what I was expecting the trial to be was much different than what it really is. I like the concept of it. I'm actually really curious to see what that trial is like... and I'm assuming Ray is too? XD
Lol Ray is so grouchy. I don't think Iil is that annoying. Poor Iil. A lot of things still need to be explained, like why in the world can they read each others' minds? And are the stairs really magic? If so, who put them there? How did these guys discover it? I'm not sure if you elaborate on that later, but as of now those are my questions. It still bothers me that their "alien" world is so human-like, but that's really not a huge deal.
Remember when I made you a list of all of your spelling/grammar mistakes for chapter one and then you did the same for my story? I actually liked that because it helped me spot a lot of things in my writing. I can make lists for all of your chapters if you want, but I won't put them here in the reviews because I think it's too long. I can pm them to you and vice-versa (If you want to help me edit, that is, because I know it's a tedious job. You don't have to, but if you do decide to I think pm is the best way to go).