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6/23/2016 c1 Rosefox17
Hello:) I immediately fell in love with your book! It's touching cause it has a lot to do with family and surviving. I can tell already I'm going to love reading into it more and following their lives. I like Janelle the most so far ;)
1/25/2016 c6 6Victoria Best
Hello again :)

I really liked this chapter! 256 is so cute. That moment at the end was adorable. Very delicate moment and showed a vulnerable side to him, not the angsty side we have seen in other chapters. I also love his natural chemistry with Carey, which felt smooth and realistic.

Carey continues to be an awesome character. It's great that the first thing she was thinking about was how to get out of the place. She's certainly a fighter and I'm looking forward to seeing how she gets out of this one, which she will do hopefully do by managing to turn invisible. It was quite interesting to see that she could not turn invisible on cue, although I'm guessing she will slowly master this.

It was also interesting to see how ruthless the leader is, straight away telling them to execute the person who made the mistake. Says a lot about the world they live in.

I love, love, love the dialogue between Carey and 256. You use such snappy lines like, "There's no point." And, "Need to sleep eventually and then I'll be gone." This is so great because it's fast, smooth and slick and clearly shows their chemistry. They just bounce off each other, which is great to see.

"Smelled like it had recently been peed on." Why not just say "smelled of urine?"

"Getting louder and louder." This sounded very clumsy.
1/25/2016 c5 Victoria Best
Hello! Finally found some spare time to read some more and the chapter did not disappoint!

I smiled straight away when I read the name 'Janelle.' We haven't seen her and Saamantha for a while, so it was good to continue reading about them.

"Small creek of water." I love this paragraph because not only are you describing their surroundings, you link it back to their homes. Two descriptions in one paragraph, which is a really clever way of broadening your world, enabling us to visualise more than just the one setting. Nicely done :)

"Air was thick with smoke." I love the little lines like this that you use. They really enhance the piece, without distracting from it, and prove that less is more.

Marvin is a fascinating character. I love when he tells them that "revenge won't overthrow them." That's a unique and powerful idea, one I haven't really seen developed in other books / films in the genre. That was a great piece of writing and added a lot of depth - this isn't a revenge story, and I think in this section the characters realise that revenge alone isn't strong enough.

I like the character development, such as Janelle's lack of confidence. It's great that she has this flaw - it shows us she isn't perfect, and a lot of characters have a habit of coming across pretty much perfect. So this made her realistic and relatable.

Going back to Marvin, I also loved his speech about how he has helped people only for them to be killed immediately, and it felt like quite a vulnerable moment when he said that. Having said that, I am suspicious of him. Seems a bit too good to be true, and I think he opened up to them that he wanted to overthrow the Gifted a little too soon. I reckon he might turn out to be an antagonist.

One thing I have to say is that I was a little skeptical of this chapter. The girls believe that he is going to help them straight away, only based on the words from the woman from the inn, who I really not a reliable source. Similarly, when the doctor opens up very quickly also, I just found myself not believing it. I think there needs to be so much more caution, so much batting around the subject before they open up to each other. How can they be certain the other isn't working for the Gifted? It just happens too quickly, in my opinion. You could get away with really elongating this, because it's such a dangerous, crucial moment. Maybe even two chapters about it, as they try and work out whether he is on their side or against them. This is a great chance for some really psychological writing as they try and work him out without actually asking him outright. I know that they are teenagers, but considering the world they live in, they would be very careful, very wary, as this is how they have had to behave all their lives.
1/15/2016 c4 Victoria Best
Hello!

Another great cliffhanger. You write such killer endings :p

I like that we see this through 256's eyes. It not only allowed us to delve into his mind and his life, but also created a much broader image of Carey than the one we have seen so far, and it also fleshed out the visual description of her also, in the scene where he admires her. Nicely done! I like 256 so far and I'm looking forward to reading more about him. He comes across as quite set in his ways, very immersed in the world of the Gifted and aware of who he is and what his role in the world is. However, I get the feeling that he's got a good heart, for example when he is eager to help Carey at the end of the chapter and feels somewhat protective of her. I think he just needs someone to show him the cruelty of the Gifted, because he has grown up with them and so has never seen it from another perspective and has never questioned it. This has the potential for an awesome plot line, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you have planned for the character!

"He couldn't help but notice that she was quite pretty. The thought made blood rush to his head." Wow, I loved this! What a great way to hint to us his attraction for her, without flat-out telling us.

Loads of questions for this chapter. I wonder what happens to those who form attachments, like the Leader says. I am guessing that they consider attachments a form of weakness, maybe? And eliminate them? I'm not sure. I also want to know more about the Leader and what exactly her role is. Is she the Leader of the world itself? Apologies if this was told to us in previous chapters. I also wonder how she managed to evade being chosen as a baby. There is definitely something unusual about this, and I have a feeling she might be either a really powerful Gifted, or something else entirely.

Nice sentence structures as well, with lines such as, "Gone was the girl..."

And yes! Carey's so awesome! Great job for creating such a badass character. I love when she waggles her tongue at the Leader. Go Carey! I was cheering her on then. :)

Be careful of the word 'struggle' - you use it about seven times in this chapter, especially near the top of the chapter, where it was used a lot in a very short space of time. I would recommend going through and mixing this up.

I would love to have seen more description of the Leader. All we get is a description of what she is wearing and her hair, which just isn't enough, especially because she is such a major character. I would also have liked some extra information, like the way she talks. I couldn't 'hear' her voice in the dialogue at the end of the chapter. Booming voice? Eerily soft? And what is her body language like? How does she move? Spikily and assuredly? Or unnervingly slowly and ghost-like? These are all questions I really wanted to have answered. You might have this information in another chapter, but I think I think it needs to be moved to this chapter, because it's the first time we see her and I was unable to visualise her. This is a chance for a great piece of writing.

"You hurt Wesley," she stated. Why is she stating this? I think she would be a lot angrier than this. Screaming at him, thrashing, possibly shrieking with tears or silently crying because she has just been separated from her family and will probably never see them again. Also, she would have been terrified of what was going to happen to her. She just seems incredibly passive for the situation and almost takes it very light-heartedly, the way she freely jokes around with him and calls him 'Nameless.' Does that make sense? I liked this scene but it did feel unrealistic, considering the situation.

"Her blue eyes flashing angrily." This sentence felt somewhat clumsy. Flashing angrily? What does that mean? I'm not sure about it. It just sounds a little silly to me, but of course that's just my personal opinion, so feel free to ignore.

Overall another awesome chapter, although I am missing Samantha and Janelle. Hopefully we will see them in the next chapter? :D Keep writing!
1/14/2016 c3 Victoria Best
Woah, this story is getting amazing! This chapter has been the best so far! I am adding this to my favourites :)

I cannot get over that ending. That's just shocking. I really thought Carey had gotten away with it. I did not expect the Assessor to work it out. And how? He only looked at her. I am also intrigued that he only looked fourteen. I feel like there is still so much more to learn in this story, and I am hooked! And again, awesome cliffhanger. I am very worried for Carey, though. This is not a good thing and I can only imagine what horrific stuff is going to happen to her. I wonder, will Wesley try and save her? I am also intrigued whether Wesley is gifted also - that would be an awesome twist. The possibilities for this plot are endless and it's great you have created something so complex and unpredictable.

The first section was strong also. I agree with Samantha - that sounds too good to be true. I have a bad feeling about it, especially because that woman looked so excited to see them and then told them the story about the two girls. She obviously knows that they are the same two girls. I am fearing for their safety also :/ It's brilliant though that you have created these characters we can worry for and root for. I think it's because of how realistic they come across - we can relate to them, even though the world they live in is so different.

I also want to talk about your world-building - it continues to be intricate and mesmerising. You don't do any infoloading either, which is excellent, just give us subtle hints, like the little sentences about Samantha's intense distrust of the inn, which again goes back to their overwhelming fear of the gifted and of being caught, and Wesley and Carey's reactions to Carey's invisibility, also hinting at their horror and fear. In addition, I can tell that you've done your research and thought this through to make it coherent and believable, which is great to see.

I have a couple of comments, nothing major.

"Early morning sun streamed through..." This is a bit of a cliche description.

"I don't understand why she's so excited to see us," and, "The boy's fear was replaced by excitement." Like I said in my last review, try not to use actual words for emotions. I've noticed you have a tendency to do this. I could already tell that the woman was excited to see them through her excessive handshaking. Maybe just build on how happy she looked (body language, facial expression) don't explicitly tell us that she is excited. Same for the boy.

Overall, brilliant chapter. I hope to see more like this, with suspense, action and cliffhangers and surprising plot developments, such as Carey being taken by the gifted. This is going on my favourites! :)
1/12/2016 c2 Victoria Best
Hello!

Wow let me start by saying, what an ending! That was quite a big twist. I thought the main action in the scene was going to be the attack, but then this happened which was even better. This is turning into one complex plot! I'm looking forward to seeing where you are going to take this and what is going to happen to Carey.

Some lovely writing here, like the line, "More vibrant colour than her orangey-red curls." This was great because not only did it introduce the boy and allow us to picture him, it also helped us picture Jannelle as well. You were describing two characters in one line basically, which was great. This was another lovely piece of description, "Her eyes sweeping over the farmlands."

"This may be the last time I ever see my home." I loved this sentence and the way it was on its own line. Really brought to life the fear and sadness she must be feeling.

The only thing I have to say is that there was quite a lot of infoloading in this chapter, which made it hard to follow and a little tiring. I was following well, until we got to the part about the old lady, which was quite a long section and slowed down the piece, I think. Could you maybe cut this down a little or save it for another chapter? It didn't seem to go there, if that makes sense, just felt a little misplaced and slowed the action in the story.

"Late autumn wind howled." Could you think of a better word to use than 'howled?'

Finally, "Both from the cold and from fear." Try to avoid using the words for actual emotions, such as 'fear.' They immediately turn the section from a 'showing' one to a 'telling' one. We can already infer that she is scared from the scene.

Hope that helps! This was a strong chapter and it has certainly added to the plot after that intriguing ending! Keep writing!
1/10/2016 c1 Victoria Best
Hello!

I stumbled across your other story, but saw that I had to read this one first as it was a sequel, so here I am! And I have to say, I really liked this. You've set the plot up nicely in this chapter, and I can already tell its going to complex. You've left the story on quite a cliffhanger, and I am looking forward to finding out who or what the Gifted are and where this story is going to go.

You've got some cute characters here, and I particularly liked Carey and, in the second section, Janelle. Both felt strong protagonists and were relatable, especially Carey, because of the mention of her home life, which certainly fleshed her out as a character. I quite liked Wesley as well. He seems very laid back, the way we first see him lying on the grass. I am looking forward to seeing more of the characters and seeing how they develop.

I also liked the subtle humour in this - it added to the story and did not distract from it. I particularly loved this line, "Pulling a lock from the goat's mouth." That was cute :)

Great start and I will be reading more when I can. Keep writing!
8/22/2015 c29 9Waxing Shadow
I want to start off by saying that this is a fantastic story. I simply couldn't put it down, it was so good! Everyone was characterized beautifully, from Carey, to 256, to the rest were as likable and unlikable as you likely intended for them to be. The way that you divided up each chapter, effortlessly transitioning from the Gifted side to the rebels' was nothing short of genius! You did a very good job of painting the Gifted as human beings, however suppressed their emotions and attachments might be. The same goes for the rebels. I legitimately feel sorry for 256. He literally has to bury his feelings within his psyche, or be tortured for them. I feel no less pity for Carey, Janelle, and everyone else's plight. This is horrible all around, and you brought it home brilliantly. I can only imagine where you'll take the story from here. By all means, keep writing!
8/22/2015 c2 6JustAnotherNewbie
OK apparently I have terrible reading comprehension. Jus t because it's sunny doesn't make. It summer, but am I correct in assuming Carey and Janelle's live slightly away from each other?

So far I like Carey more than Janelle's, because Carey seems sure of who she is. I like the scene with her dad and the Monster when she was a child. Shows how much he cares :)

I wonder why you included the scene with Samantha's brother. Will he be important to the story later?
8/22/2015 c1 JustAnotherNewbie
Hello! I found your story via The Roadhouse.

I like your simple writing style - zero purple prose found. I like the juxtaposition of the two stories - Carey's and Janelle's. I want to know how they will intersect, especially when Carey is somewhere sunny and Janelle's is experiencing snowfall.

I found the names a bit confusing because there were too many at once, and I don't know enough about them yet to keep track of them all.
8/19/2015 c1 2J. Jordyn Jackson
Wow, this is really good! I'm hooked!
8/19/2015 c5 9TotoDaDog
This is a really good chapter. Sorry for not reviewing more often...life is getting busier! Anyway, this was a good chapter like always! Can't wait to read more!
6/19/2015 c4 TotoDaDog
This is really starting to get good. I loved this chapter! Carely is really defiant XD and funny. And awesome. Starting to be a great character. :)
And I like 256 :D Him and Carely are funny. I also like his character a lot. :))))))
Anyway, looking forward to more! It's great so far!
Peace,
Toto
6/17/2015 c1 LonelyGirlLoveStories
I like the start and I am going to keep reading! ALso the plot sound capturing!
6/9/2015 c3 TotoDaDog
Whoa! Can't stop reading! I love it! :))))) it's definitely not boring now, I really really like it. I'm so glad the baby wasn't taken, poor Carely though! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Peace,
Toto
Ps. I'm curious about why they want the gifted so much, and what they do with them!
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