for Burn Through My Skin11/4/2019 c15 Guest
For a story which I read (and enjoyed) as a romance, this is a surprisingly good portrayal of lifelike investigative technique. Better than many, if not most, official entertainment media whose focus is detection. I'm very impressed
For a story which I read (and enjoyed) as a romance, this is a surprisingly good portrayal of lifelike investigative technique. Better than many, if not most, official entertainment media whose focus is detection. I'm very impressed
10/24/2014 c15 Hakalau Tom
Nice! Good pace till the end. (At least two confessions too many :-)) Decent chance I could pick Raze out by his brash dialog. He's a fascinating character. Thanks for posting.
Nice! Good pace till the end. (At least two confessions too many :-)) Decent chance I could pick Raze out by his brash dialog. He's a fascinating character. Thanks for posting.
10/23/2014 c14 Hakalau Tom
I found this story today and read through Chapter 14.
Overall comments on the first 14 chapters: Pretty good detective yarn with a little romance. I can take or leave slash, but I do appreciate the male narration, rare among the stories on FP I am currently following.
Fairly well edited; not too many mistakes, but could use a beta read.
I see an event driven plot, typical of a whodunit, with little need for character development or descriptions of places. I might be able to pick Ken and Raze out of a line-up. Flaine could be anywhere; where's not important. In the style of Agatha Christie, the characters and places serve the plot. Fine by me; it's working, and I'm looking forward to more.
I found this story today and read through Chapter 14.
Overall comments on the first 14 chapters: Pretty good detective yarn with a little romance. I can take or leave slash, but I do appreciate the male narration, rare among the stories on FP I am currently following.
Fairly well edited; not too many mistakes, but could use a beta read.
I see an event driven plot, typical of a whodunit, with little need for character development or descriptions of places. I might be able to pick Ken and Raze out of a line-up. Flaine could be anywhere; where's not important. In the style of Agatha Christie, the characters and places serve the plot. Fine by me; it's working, and I'm looking forward to more.
10/22/2014 c13 Hakalau Tom
Why are they so surprised that she doesn't confess? Only a moron would confess without consulting an attorney first.
Why are they so surprised that she doesn't confess? Only a moron would confess without consulting an attorney first.
10/22/2014 c11 Hakalau Tom
Comment about several chapters: You know how to type and use a long dash (m-dash), because I see it used correctly (no surrounding space) here and there, but other places, you type a hyphen and a space. Annoying.
Comment about several chapters: You know how to type and use a long dash (m-dash), because I see it used correctly (no surrounding space) here and there, but other places, you type a hyphen and a space. Annoying.
10/22/2014 c9 Hakalau Tom
Drive from school to SOUSA to Ken's house confuses me. Did they ever get out of the car in SOUSA's parking lot?
Drive from school to SOUSA to Ken's house confuses me. Did they ever get out of the car in SOUSA's parking lot?
10/22/2014 c6 Hakalau Tom
The Gecko parents are among the better described characters so far. Awful parents, it would seem.
The Gecko parents are among the better described characters so far. Awful parents, it would seem.
10/22/2014 c3 Hakalau Tom
Pet peave: "It was pink in color." Ugh. Say "It was pink," but that's still a wasted sentence, because a previous sentence could include the color: ". . . pink glitter on the floor . . ."
Pet peave: "It was pink in color." Ugh. Say "It was pink," but that's still a wasted sentence, because a previous sentence could include the color: ". . . pink glitter on the floor . . ."
10/22/2014 c2 Hakalau Tom
Concentrated acetic acid dissolves skin slowly, I think. Adequate murder weapon, but only if the victim is unconscious or immobilized. Not important to the story so far, but I'm surprised that you didn't select one of the common stronger acids, such as nitric, sulfuric, hydrochloric, or hydrofluoric.
". . . Professor Higgs, one of our science faculties, . . .", spoken by someone who should know better. Faculty is a collective now. Higgs is one of the faculty.
Victor nodded, ". . ."
Raze brightened up, ". . ."
Ken frowned, ". . ."
I would substitute period for comma after these and other complete sentences introducing dialogue.
Concentrated acetic acid dissolves skin slowly, I think. Adequate murder weapon, but only if the victim is unconscious or immobilized. Not important to the story so far, but I'm surprised that you didn't select one of the common stronger acids, such as nitric, sulfuric, hydrochloric, or hydrofluoric.
". . . Professor Higgs, one of our science faculties, . . .", spoken by someone who should know better. Faculty is a collective now. Higgs is one of the faculty.
Victor nodded, ". . ."
Raze brightened up, ". . ."
Ken frowned, ". . ."
I would substitute period for comma after these and other complete sentences introducing dialogue.