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2/28/2016 c1 7vanillatwilight
Aw but I never got to read the end!
12/30/2015 c12 5Ishotthealbatross
Oh my god. I am so utterly creeped out right now. Especially by her saying 'it's your turn now.'

Oh, by the way, the 'your heart is blacker than a goth's wardrobe', that is an excellent sentence. I absolutely loved it :D

I can't wait to see what happens next!
12/23/2015 c1 9TotoDaDog
This is a really good first chapter. This was really funny - as well as realistic. I love how realistic he acted when he was drunk.

I can't wait to read more! Loved it!

Hey, could you review my story, Station Number Ten? It would be great if you could!

-Toto :)
12/23/2015 c2 kumamon
The parts with the dates make it look like a diary. Nice. I like how Alex becomes prettier the more he sees her, that's really sweet. But Jamie sounds like a douche, and he acts like a douche too. Who judges girls on their music taste? Some people just like everything, you never know. Jamie is a huge jerk to be honest, a lot of people have round faces, they're cute! There's a few mistakes here and there, but they're not worth pointing out either. But I like Anna, she's the nicest character in the story so far!

Keep up the work. Cheers!
12/22/2015 c1 kumamon
Oh wow, Jamie sounds like one of those people I would avoid. Not because he's a awkward-looking person, I mean I'm also awkward-looking, he just sounds like a douche. I can tell this was written a while ago, because your flow is less smooth here.

Don't jumble everything into one paragraph, it's a huge turn off. I like Alex though, although she comes off as a bit manipulative. Or is it just me?

Anyway, I like how there are interjections of thoughts from the future. It kinda keeps me on the hook, I like that. :9

Anyway, keep up the good work. Cheers!
12/21/2015 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
Okay, I really disliked the way Jamie described how much alcohol he has because it is highly unrealistic in reality, seeing as if Sam had 3 drinks and he had double what Luke had which was triple what Sam had, Jamie had eighteen drinks and then a Jaggar bomb, he wouldn't be slurring words, he would be in a black-out, passed out etc. I also really disliked the way Alex comes off because it seems very unlikeable and not someone you want to chill with. I do however like the ending because it shows he has some sign of humanity. Great read.
12/21/2015 c1 9Sjoorm
I would normally try to avoid using comparisons such as "about as appealing as apples next to pringles" just because they are completely subjective. Another person reading this could absolutely love apples, for example, so it would diminish your comparison when trying to describe how attractive this person is.

That being said, I understand that this is first person and that our narrator is (in my opinion) kind of an unrelatable, self-absorbed asshole, but I feel that is a tad bit of a copout to stop from having to go into more detail about his surroundings. Two examples would be your run-on sentence when he is describing how much he had to drink, or the aforementioned description of this supposedly stunning woman.
12/21/2015 c4 20Ventracere
Description: "She sploshes on the sofa" - that made me smile. That's wonderful imagery right there, with the way I can just picture her falling onto the sofa with no care. Lotta fun, lotta fun. I don't know why this kind of hammered it in, considering you've been using diction pertaining to British vernacular, but when you used "lad" that kind of just solidified everything for me. Which brings me to another point. You keep most things pretty universal. Readers who aren't familiar with the British system (Schooling for example, 6th form, college, uni) or the differences in language aren't hit particularly hard. There's no need to be super aware of it, but for those who are, the little pieces are rewarding. (For example, "bloody" and "lads" is one that I wouldn't have thought I'd grin at, but hey, there's a first time for everything right?)

POV/Character: I'm liking Jamie more and more. His sarcasm is always present. With the number of characters you have floating around it can be hard for the reader to keep straight. But you don't have a problem with making them distinct. Jamie is a laid back kind of guy - he's easy to please? Pizza and a movie (not the best movie, but he's happy enough with pizza it seems) and video games - classic lads doing lad things. There's something about the way he talks - even if he's getting the wool pulled over his eyes - that makes him likable. He can be a bit up in the clouds some times when he's with Alex and trying to impress her even though he isn't necessarily a fan, but for the most part, he's down to earth.

So that brings me to the scene at the museum. Hahah. This was great. "Look at me being all cultured". That sounds like something a lot of us would say. Don't necessarily want to be there, but we're there because of friends or significant others. Who knew? But it's nice to see that he tries. It was a fluffy scene, but at the same time, it was able to move things along. It's hard to do that - get a fluffy scene but still manage to move his and Alex's relationship forward. Nicee.

Ending: uh. So I'm a bit at a loss of words. But I'm extremely happy at the same time. We're finally getting to the heart of the problem. There's something going on with this "Game." Harmless at first, but it looks like it isn't all that harmless after all. Jamie knows more than he actually does - which makes me think, how much does Carla know? Did Alex glare at her because they were competing in this "Game" as well? God, I have so many questions - color me intrigued. Anyway, let me get to the point. You've set up a not-cliffhanger as an ending, but managed to make it an extremely good hook. You've got me thinking about situations that may or may not be true. And I want to know more.

Thanks for the read!
12/21/2015 c3 Ventracere
Let's start out with dialogue, since that's the part you want addressed. Okay, so the thing is, flow is good, easy to see happening. Natural, easy to understand, easy to see what is going on. Those parts you have down pat, not a problem! My main thing is whether or not /all/ that dialogue is needed. I know you're trying to establish that they're friends, best friends, but does that further the plot? Yes, they're gaming (I'll get to that in a minute), you've captured that fine. My suggestion is to move some of the dialogue into the description, give us a little more color instead of all this dialogue.

Ending: Ahaha, I'm going to be going out of order, oops. But here we go again! Another weird one liner of an ending (in a good way). What is going on? I like how you're leaving everyone in the dark. Alex is building up an interesting rep for the readers, but not necessarily Jamie. He's confused, doesn't know what's going on, but he hasn't begun to peg it on Jamie. What's her deal? With two endings in a row like this one, you've set your readers up with a lot of questions. This isn't a supernatural piece, so how does Alex know? What does she have that no one else does?

And that brings me to characterization: oh, I like Carla. She's fun - kind of like the older sister kind of way. She's the one that you'd imagine being able to sit down and getting hounded by (lovingly of course) about how your day was, have you been on a date. The one that would love to tease you to the end of the world. You do a fantastic job of portraying her relationship with Jamie not just through dialogue but through Jamie's thoughts. My favorite line has got to be when he said that she could annihilate in the game. Classic. Classic. She's a fun character I think, one that can keep up with the boys. That's always a fun trait - breaking away from the mold, so to speak, without being a Mary-Sue.

Relationship wise, huh. Who would've guessed that Alex and Carla wouldn't get along from the get go. Poor Jamie, so must for his hopes that his girlfriends would get along with his sister. Bet that idea went out the window. Except, it seems like he forgot all about that as soon as Alex introduced herself as his girlfriend. She's got a way of distracting him doesn't she? Honestly, all this has done is set the alarm bells ringing in my head. I don't know why there's a problem between the two when Alex knows that Carla is Jamie's sister. You're hoenstly bringing in the mystery. Wouldn't have guessed this would have been a part of it, but you're doing a great job!

Thanks for the read!
12/21/2015 c2 Ventracere
Characters: I feel like they flipflopped a little here. Pretty sure it was the alcohol that gave him the liquid courage the night before. But from the prologue, the feel was a bit weird. No matter. Jamie seems like a pretty nice guy - a little lost, but a good guy. His friends feel the same though, they don't have the depth he does just yet, like faceless sidekicks for now. Going to be interesting to see if they're going to be like that the entire time, lumped together like Jamie did in the prologue. Who knows?

Style/technique this is being a bit nitpicky. I know fictionpress has a terrible lack of fonts, so it's difficult to change between two is texting who. You change how they text in the middle of the chapter, presumably because they've begun responding the moment they get the text. It's still difficult to keep who is who straight, so perhaps change who gets the dash before the text and who doesn't. That'll help keep the story straight with who is talking.

Diction: Something I realized is that you tend to use "I grinned" "Nath grinned" a lot. There's a spot in the beginning/middle where you have the two rather close to each other. Change it up a bit so it doesn't seem so repetitive. Dialogue tags are hard man, I feel your pain. Something else that i've noticed is that you're in present tense - high five! I'm a big fan since it puts us in the moment that it's happening as we read along with him.

POV/Dialogue: In response to your AN, I think your dialogue is fine. I think you don't need as much description after your dialogue/instrospection afterwards, but it's fine. It flows well - without some of it, it would feel too much like you're giving us information rather than actually hearing what is going on. The introspection brings me to another point. Jamie ends up telling us a lot of what's going on instead of showing us. It's not a bad thing, not when your piece doesn't seem to rely on imagery to move the piece forward. His voice in extremely present throughout the piece and it's like he knows he's being drawn in at the last second. His confusion, his excitement is easy to detect like his annoyance, haha. Not going to lie, I laughed a bit when he was dealing with his friends.

Thanks for the read!
12/21/2015 c1 Ventracere
Ok. So you've set up a decent premise, a good prologue. You've introduced us to your characters, unique and with a mind of their own (definitely made me smile). Your protagonist, Jamie - he's caught my eye. I think with the way you introduced him, he kind of struck me as one of those hardcore, party-hardy frat boys, into lifting, jock-like, yadadada. But when you mentioned that he was tall and gangly, absolutely not what catches her attention, that pulled me to a stop. Sure, everyone can be a partier - that's not what main-stream books/society likes to depict protagonists as. It's either one or the other, so that was a nice breath of fresh air.

Which brings me to another point, the love interest. Now, she's more mainstream. Unobtainable, decadent, catches the protagonist with one fell swoop. I don't know about her. She's got an air of mystery about her and the fact she can hold her alcohol is a really nice touch. A strong side-kick or secondary protag so to speak. Makes me wonder who she really is, yeah? The descriptions on her looks are a bit much for me, but I understand why you need them. The ending sets up this ominous air for the protag, and I'm a bit worried about him. What is she going to do to him?

Thanks for the read!
12/14/2015 c12 2zzzeus11

seriously i would have been clawing my way through the wall. i totally and compleatly expected her to just start shanking him with a shiv that was up her sleeve.

i think woman are strange enough as it is (no offence) but Alex just takes it to an entirely different level. she is just soooo fucking weird... crazy or insane just don't do her justice, maybe in combination of calculating and evil.

that being said, Jamie is a special kind of fucked up too. i feel sorry for him but at the same time i keep yelling at the screen calling him a stupid ass most of the time.

double update for Christmas please?! ;)
12/12/2015 c11 7vanillatwilight
Honestly, if you want critique, I find myself skimming large portions of this story. I'm only interested in what seems to be conflict. The parts I skim are background on other characters, like Jamie's friends, or conversations or bantering between them. I also skimmed the part about his mom when he came home. Those portions aren't directly related to the conflict, which a few chapters ago seemed to be Alex knowing things about Jamie that he didn't tell here, Win the Game, and mysterious accidents. See, I only cared about Nath when he died, because it was the conflict. Lizzy I only care about if Alex finds out that they've been seeing each other. So, my advice is to cut down on passages that don't tie into the plot.
12/12/2015 c3 vanillatwilight
The one thing I would say is unrealistic is that Jamie know about Sherlock and the Hobbit and Doctor Who and things like that (there are references) and I think a typical dude wouldn't really be interested in those things.
12/12/2015 c2 vanillatwilight
Responding to the question about a guy narrator- it's pretty darn realistic. it's very good, especially the part about bra-burning and cursing a lot and manliness (hahahaha).
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