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for Ghosts Of Our Past

3/7/2015 c4 Wendy Thompson135th
Well, most enjoyable. An interesting premise and a sustained and believable mood. Minor typos and an intriguing first chapter. I look forward for more.
10/10/2014 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
I really love Sheckley's voice. Even though the first half of this chapter could come across as a telling info-dump, it's done with a voice that's entertaining enough to where I really don't care or notice the telling. My creative writing professor called that "narrative telling." The turn of phrases and diction you use really help to reflect your narrator's personality, and it makes him extremely interesting. I think my favorite was the line at the end about Linus' security blanket.

I also like this idea of the detective having superpowers. It's pretty unique because it seems to come out of nowhere, but it also explains how he broke that mugger's fist so easily in the previous chapter. From the way Sheckley talks about his powers, he sounds so nonchalant about it that I can't help believe him and think, "Okay, sure. I'm willing to buy that." So I think you do a great job with suspending a reader's disbelief in the way you approach these "powers." It'll be interesting to see how you handle them in the future and if you can maintain that feeling.

Thanks for the read!

This review was brought to you by: The Review Game's October Review Marathon (link in my profile). Feel free to come by and check us out. :)
10/10/2014 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
I like how visual your writing is because it makes it very easy for me to picture the scene, the characters, and their actions. Due to such clarity, it also helps you show instead of tell, because you focus on showing me their interaction (like Mrs. Murdock taking a deep breath and removing the photos from her chest to signify how upset she is) instead of telling me how the characters feel. It really helps with the immersion and it makes me feel like I'm more a part of the story because I get to ascertain how a character feels from how they react.

While you do well in showing us these images and the characters' interactions (as referenced above), there are a couple places where you can cut some passive telling to make a sentence more lively. An example:

"I squeezed lightly and I felt the bones in his hand crunch to powder."

Instead of saying "I felt," because it's already implied the narrator will feel this since he's performing the action, you can just say: "I squeezed lightly and the bones in his hands crunched to powder." It makes the sentence more active and tighter. This doesn't happen too often in your prose, but I thought I'd point it out as something to look out for when you either start your next draft or go back and line edit.

Thanks for the read!

This review was brought to you by: The Review Game's October Review Marathon (link in my profile). Feel free to come by and check us out. :)
9/29/2014 c1 7LiVEWiRE360
I like the style of your writing, its unique. And the whole retired superhero thing got me excited lol X) the character's interesting. i want to see what will happen in this story. Good job ;)
9/27/2014 c2 20Ckh
Great story BTW. It's really nice to see you capturing all the details so well. One question though: How do you come up with all these names?
9/27/2014 c2 Blazing Lights
Oh, interesting this is cool. I am pretty much left wordless. Your character is very unique.

Have a Grand Day!:)
9/13/2014 c1 Blazing Lights
It caught my interest. Your detail was quite good by the way. I really have nothing else to say, so yeah.

Have a Fantastic Day!:)
9/9/2014 c1 1grumpyturtle
Hi! I'm from the Roadhouse! :D

There isn't much that I'd really critique you on other than a couple of things:

1. A lot of your sentences start with "I." Normally it doesn't bother me-I write in first person, too-but after a fair amount of them in a row, it started to catch my attention. But I'm terribly picky about stuff like that, so take this much with a grain of salt. :)

2. In the last paragraph, I would consider revising "Let me tell you" because it takes the reader out of the view of your character...especially in first person. It's reminding them, "Oh. Right. I'm not him. This isn't my story or my adventure." There's a detachment there, and while the distraction is minimal, it does detract from what you've created up to this point.

Maybe change to something like: "It feels good to be my age, but even better not to have to take any guff from young punks."

Other than that, I really like this setup. :D It made me laugh several times. Like the "pretty neat oddity: a private detective who's not a chain-smoking drunk" line. Fantastic, especially with how nice you put together the "P.I." feel in the piece. The beginning was perfect in that sense...just how any movie would portray it. (Except, you know, replacing the ginger ale with...well, actual ale. Because chain-smoking drunks... XP)

Also, I'm curious about the tail. Will he have a bigger role, or was he just there to introduce the whole "retired superhero" thing? I find him rather intriguing. :)

And finally, because it just needs to be said: The last line was superb. (Heh. Quasi-pun. Superb. Like superhero? No? Okay. I'm sorry. I won't make any more puns again. At least not for this review, anyway...) It made me smile and I was just sitting in my own little world like, "Everything makes perfect sense." I don't know why, since it was a statement rather than an explanation, but it made it feel like there was a piece of a puzzle falling into place.

Very nicely done. :)

Hopefully you update on a regular basis, because I'm getting ready to favorite or follow or however many other options there are.

9/9/2014 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
((from the RoadHouse; if possible, I'd like a review for CW :3))

That little thing in double brackets being said and done, I'm very happy and excited I decided to click on this: I'm a huge fan of genre noir, and have a completed story set in that genre that needs to be polished and revised. There's just something special about this genre: it's interplay of crime and dark themes, with a gritty, sarcastic detective that makes it all the more charming. NOW, I'll just give you bulletin points on why I liked this:

*You avoided the cliche of the drunk and chain-smoking detective that you so often usually find in the genre. I not only think that's great, but refreshing too. You'd think that with drinking and smoking being so unhealthy, most detectives would avoid it :P

*I felt that your writing style was a direct nod to Raymond Chandler: very sparse and clean, with a good eye for observation. It not only fit the genre, but also felt gave this story a tone that definitely made it identifiable as genre noir. While it wasn't as sharp as Chandler, I liked your fresh narrative and even am glad you didn't fully replicate Chandler - it makes this story your own.

*I liked how you're immediately setting up a mystery, with a stalker, only to reveal that the detective is a retired superhero. Cool twist :D I like superhero stuff - though not as much detective stories, but still :D

*I thought the scene with the woman who was being cheated on was very well done: well-written dialogue and fantastic descriptions here.

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