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for Tylia's Legend

3/17/2015 c1 Alix20
I really like this story, the characters seem strong. I hope you continue writing this. Although there were originally 3 or 4 chapters.
11/4/2014 c1 abby
First off- I love your story. The main female character is quite refreshing in her personality. It is very interesting and so I have been checking on it to see if there are any updates whenever I have the time!
Upon searching for it this time, I found that chapters 2 and 3 seem to be missing, but the reviews for those chapters are still up (unless this was done by you as you edit ect) I wanted you to know if something had malfunctioned on fictionpress. Otherwise, no worries and thank you for sharing such a unique story.
10/30/2014 c1 4m. b. whitlock
Well I really like this. I guess I usually say that about your stuff. :)

I like Tylia and the relationship you develop between her and her brother. She is such a fun, brave girl and she seems very believable. Cool stuff!

Here are some notes:

Nice opening paragraph. It immediately pulls us into Tylia's head and gives us the impression of a fearless, determined girl, who might also be just a bit obsessed with snow flowers ;). I do think having the entire paragraph as a long sentence with multiple dependent clauses reads somewhat awkwardly. You might want to consider refining it some, along with the second and third paragraphs which are also single sentences.

The third paragraph in particular is difficult to read and I believe it could use some editing:
"No matter how the winds battered her, the jagged rock prodded her gut, or how dizzy she felt from blood rushing to her head, she hung on, metal clippers ready in one hand and the other gripping the outcrop."
Especially the "jagged rock prodded her gut" part. Not getting what you mean or how it's supposed to flow there.

I really like all the concepts you present in these opening sections though. I also think you're doing a great job here moving the plot along briskly.

Really like this description:
"Before she could reply a gust of frigid air smacked her face, stealing her breath and throwing snowflakes in her eyes." Effective visuals and relatively concise language, without too many dependent clauses ;).

Hmmm… This sentence seems a bit crammed with visuals to me:
"It perched on a gnarled and nutrition-starved tree that had grown out of the cliff side rock like a determined stray nose hair."
I don't think you really need "nutrition-starved". Maybe try cutting the description of the tree to simply 'gnarled' or 'gnarled, skinny tree'. :)

"Elegant and ethereal defined him."
Elegant and ethereal what? These are just adjectives. You could say 'the words 'elegant' and 'ethereal' defined him.'. Honestly, I don't think you need this sentence at all. The description you've already given us is so striking and telling us he is 'elegant' and 'ethereal' here sounds a little weak and unnecessary. Also the following sentence: "She didn't need to see the way his short-cropped hair shimmered like starlight or the flash of dark, purple light in his slanted eyes to know he wasn't human." is great! And gives us a very vivid impression of his appearance while hinting at Tylia's attitude towards him.

Really like your description of Tylia's plainness, especially the oinks the village boys sound when she walks past.

"Understand*ing* marriage would never free her and Radagast of this place, Tylia would have to find other means."
Might want to make a few corrections here.

"Relief and *concerned* painted his features." 'Relief and *concern* painted his features'

""Most are lucky to find *on* in a decade."" Think you mean 'find *one*'. :)

Don't quite get why you use '.'s here, might be better without…:
""He. can't. know.""

Definitely interested in reading more.


10/6/2014 c2 nightfuries
Here's your long awaited review, sorry it took so long! I see you've added another chapter since I started noting down stuff on this chapter, so I'll get to that new one in a few days :)

"...refusing to call him father..." - I feel like that should be "Father", capitalised

"...they found father sitting on a log..." - "Father", capitalised

"His eyes were sunken into his sockets and were like hungry animals peering out of two caves." -Love, love, love this description!

"Is that true?" he released..." -Capitalise "He"

"...he rasped, shaking his head, tears rand down..." -You've got a run-on sentence here. Change the comma after "head" to a period or semicolon

So you've got a very interesting story concept here! I'm intrigued by the idea of cravens and really want to know more about them! I also feel bad for Radagast (hehe, all I could think of was the wizard from The Hobbit) and Tylia with their father though. The only point of criticism I have is you may want to change the ending of this chapter. It feels a bit abrupt, both in the way it suddenly ends and in the way you change the subject. They were just dealing with their crazy, drunk father and suddenly Tylia's thinking of the craven again? It's a bit hard to follow - also, it doesn't seem realistic for her to be so wrapped up in anger at her father then suddenly switch trains of thought. I'd rework that bit. Otherwise, though, you've got a great story so far!
10/2/2014 c1 5Evelyn Baker
This is generally well written and a great intro. I'm not sure about the flash back though, it seems like an odd thing to remember/dream while passed out, and just feels like an info dump. I don't think you need it, especially since the information in it is covered in other chapters.
10/2/2014 c3 3TheGirlWithTheNotepad
Since you gave me a review, I thought I'd give you one too, except I don't have much to write about this because I think it's great. I really like the characters you've created, and I really hope you update this soon. Please do, I really want to know what happens :)
10/2/2014 c3 Elysha
I am in love with this story. So good! More please. :)

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