for Blood Trail10/25/2014 c1 
1SenseiLock
You've got a lot of character developmental, maybe a bit too in your face about it, but good nonetheless. It's a little early and I'm sure you'll be working this in, but as of the first chapter, I'm wishing for a little more exposure to the world around them and immersion. Other than that, you've got a good start to an interesting premise, I hope we get to find out what happened to the previous society.
1SenseiLockYou've got a lot of character developmental, maybe a bit too in your face about it, but good nonetheless. It's a little early and I'm sure you'll be working this in, but as of the first chapter, I'm wishing for a little more exposure to the world around them and immersion. Other than that, you've got a good start to an interesting premise, I hope we get to find out what happened to the previous society.
10/22/2014 c1 2Unconsciousness
Okay so I found a few things on this specific chapter you might want to look at.
1. The hyphens are a bit confusing and odd looking.
"To say that it's cold outside is an understatement- but it's always cold."
What I do is, I just type a double hyphen "-" and Word automatically turns it into the line that you usually see in professional published books. Also, that same sentence has a lot of commas. It could be shorter.
2. "I stare at it for a moment until the adrenaline rush in my veins is gone, before silently picking it up again, smoothing it out and calmly sliding it into the folder where it belongs with the other loose sheets containing our records of history." That sentence is way too long. It could easily be two or three sentences. Also, the beginning could be reworded. Instead of "..until the adrenaline rush in my veins is gone..." you could say "...until the adrenaline in my veins disappears..."
3. "Anger is all I have and the only way I know that makes people leave me alone."
Sounds a bit awkward. You could change it to: "Anger is all I have. It's the only way to make people leave me alone."
4. "I'm an orphan. And I want to be alone now."
Should change to: "I'm an orphan and I want to be alone now." (One sentence)
5. Right after she yells at her father, she says. "As I storm through the woods..." That should be a new paragraph.
6. "Always too busy attending to everyone else..."
Should be changed to: "Because he's always too busy attending to everyone else..."
7. "I always say I don't like people. But maybe that's because the loneliness hurts, and I like to pretend I'm okay with it."
Should be one sentence, not two
8. "...before I know it, I'm saying words." You used the word "saying" but then next sentence, you used "scream". Try to be consistent. I read it and got the feeling of calm words when it was the opposite.
9. When using "..." there should be a space after the third dot.
10. When she talks about the announcement of her mother being "dead", she starts off talking about it, then in the same paragraph, switches to her admiration towards her mother. It just felt to me like two different subjects that needed to be in separate paragraphs.
11. You didn't really explain the concept of "being a crutch" when you first mention it and I think it might be confusing.
12. "There's no chance of anyone coming in here now. This place is mine, mine alone." You could probably add an "and" after the comma. I think it might sound more fluent and smooth that way.
That's basically it. I could have been really nit-picky, but I knew what you were trying to say and most of them weren't really a big deal.
Also, remember to write out your story as how you would want it to be read/how you want it to sound (enunciation and tone) by using commas at appropriate times and making sure that you're not writing two sentences when it could work much better as one.
Spelling is great. I didn't see any of those kind of errors in this chapter. There was another thing I wanted to mention but I can't remember what it was... xD oh well.
I hope this helps and if it does, I'm glad I could contribute a little :P
2UnconsciousnessOkay so I found a few things on this specific chapter you might want to look at.
1. The hyphens are a bit confusing and odd looking.
"To say that it's cold outside is an understatement- but it's always cold."
What I do is, I just type a double hyphen "-" and Word automatically turns it into the line that you usually see in professional published books. Also, that same sentence has a lot of commas. It could be shorter.
2. "I stare at it for a moment until the adrenaline rush in my veins is gone, before silently picking it up again, smoothing it out and calmly sliding it into the folder where it belongs with the other loose sheets containing our records of history." That sentence is way too long. It could easily be two or three sentences. Also, the beginning could be reworded. Instead of "..until the adrenaline rush in my veins is gone..." you could say "...until the adrenaline in my veins disappears..."
3. "Anger is all I have and the only way I know that makes people leave me alone."
Sounds a bit awkward. You could change it to: "Anger is all I have. It's the only way to make people leave me alone."
4. "I'm an orphan. And I want to be alone now."
Should change to: "I'm an orphan and I want to be alone now." (One sentence)
5. Right after she yells at her father, she says. "As I storm through the woods..." That should be a new paragraph.
6. "Always too busy attending to everyone else..."
Should be changed to: "Because he's always too busy attending to everyone else..."
7. "I always say I don't like people. But maybe that's because the loneliness hurts, and I like to pretend I'm okay with it."
Should be one sentence, not two
8. "...before I know it, I'm saying words." You used the word "saying" but then next sentence, you used "scream". Try to be consistent. I read it and got the feeling of calm words when it was the opposite.
9. When using "..." there should be a space after the third dot.
10. When she talks about the announcement of her mother being "dead", she starts off talking about it, then in the same paragraph, switches to her admiration towards her mother. It just felt to me like two different subjects that needed to be in separate paragraphs.
11. You didn't really explain the concept of "being a crutch" when you first mention it and I think it might be confusing.
12. "There's no chance of anyone coming in here now. This place is mine, mine alone." You could probably add an "and" after the comma. I think it might sound more fluent and smooth that way.
That's basically it. I could have been really nit-picky, but I knew what you were trying to say and most of them weren't really a big deal.
Also, remember to write out your story as how you would want it to be read/how you want it to sound (enunciation and tone) by using commas at appropriate times and making sure that you're not writing two sentences when it could work much better as one.
Spelling is great. I didn't see any of those kind of errors in this chapter. There was another thing I wanted to mention but I can't remember what it was... xD oh well.
I hope this helps and if it does, I'm glad I could contribute a little :P
10/20/2014 c3 Unconsciousness
Oh my goodness gracious, this is amazing! I cannot stop reading, but I promised you a review so I'll stop just to write this (then I'll go on to chapter 4).
This book is very captivating and you're narrative is superb (admittedly better than mine). The story line is intriguing, the characters are well thought out and well described. The setting is very unique and interesting and I am able to visualize very easily.
Some things that you could work on would probably any minor spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes (I saw a few). Also, you alternated quite randomly between people's names and their title (for example, you would sometimes use the word "father" and then a couple sentences later use his name.) I thought it was a bit confusing at times and that specific detail could be fixed.
I like how you use your exceptional narrative to fill in the gaps between the dialogue. There's just enough thought and speech in every paragraph and I found that to be one of your strongest suits in writing.
I am really curious as to why this doesn't have much popularity because, as I have said previously, it's amazing.
Keep it up! :)
-Unconsciousness
Oh my goodness gracious, this is amazing! I cannot stop reading, but I promised you a review so I'll stop just to write this (then I'll go on to chapter 4).
This book is very captivating and you're narrative is superb (admittedly better than mine). The story line is intriguing, the characters are well thought out and well described. The setting is very unique and interesting and I am able to visualize very easily.
Some things that you could work on would probably any minor spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes (I saw a few). Also, you alternated quite randomly between people's names and their title (for example, you would sometimes use the word "father" and then a couple sentences later use his name.) I thought it was a bit confusing at times and that specific detail could be fixed.
I like how you use your exceptional narrative to fill in the gaps between the dialogue. There's just enough thought and speech in every paragraph and I found that to be one of your strongest suits in writing.
I am really curious as to why this doesn't have much popularity because, as I have said previously, it's amazing.
Keep it up! :)
-Unconsciousness
10/16/2014 c1 5TheGirlWhoRambled
Sorry for taking a while to get to this! Anyway,I really loved the way you portrayed Lilith’s emotions. It felt very real and I could definitely feel all the anger and sadness over her mother’s disappearance. I’m really intrigued to see what happens next, and I hope she manages to find her (I think she’s still alive). Overall, this was a very intriguing start, and I’m definitely looking forward to seeing what happens next :) I felt kind of sorry for her dad too, I hope they can fix their relationship sometime.
In terms of editing and stuff, some of the sentences I felt could be a little shorter. I mean, there would be three or four commas breaking some phrases up in one go. I think it would be more fluent if you broke up some of the longer ones into a couple of shorter sentences, but that’s probably just me. Other than that, I didn’t really notice any errors or anything. Although I’m a pretty bad editor, tbh xD
5TheGirlWhoRambledSorry for taking a while to get to this! Anyway,I really loved the way you portrayed Lilith’s emotions. It felt very real and I could definitely feel all the anger and sadness over her mother’s disappearance. I’m really intrigued to see what happens next, and I hope she manages to find her (I think she’s still alive). Overall, this was a very intriguing start, and I’m definitely looking forward to seeing what happens next :) I felt kind of sorry for her dad too, I hope they can fix their relationship sometime.
In terms of editing and stuff, some of the sentences I felt could be a little shorter. I mean, there would be three or four commas breaking some phrases up in one go. I think it would be more fluent if you broke up some of the longer ones into a couple of shorter sentences, but that’s probably just me. Other than that, I didn’t really notice any errors or anything. Although I’m a pretty bad editor, tbh xD
10/12/2014 c1 Blazing Lights
First off it has an intriguing start.
I feel that you could maybe expand on the setting a bit. Where and when? I am not exactly sure of the landscape really, I mean I know a few things.
Otherwise I am not really sure what to say. For the most part I didn't catch any mistakes but I really don't have an eye for those type of things.
Keep writing and have Wondrous Day!:)
First off it has an intriguing start.
I feel that you could maybe expand on the setting a bit. Where and when? I am not exactly sure of the landscape really, I mean I know a few things.
Otherwise I am not really sure what to say. For the most part I didn't catch any mistakes but I really don't have an eye for those type of things.
Keep writing and have Wondrous Day!:)