for Talisman11/10/2014 c9 
13360pages
Who, a lot more detail over all, you seem to take that suggestion to heart. Though do notice that there is now some lump of description in places, which is bad at all. This really is up to the writer, I wouldn't mind you breaking it up a little more, but this is just preference at this point.
13360pagesWho, a lot more detail over all, you seem to take that suggestion to heart. Though do notice that there is now some lump of description in places, which is bad at all. This really is up to the writer, I wouldn't mind you breaking it up a little more, but this is just preference at this point.
11/10/2014 c4 3Psykofreac
Poor Kaze, I hope he'll manage to save Shin soon. Anyways things seem to be getting tenser now and ended with a good cliffhanger. I really felt for Kaze in this chapter and we all had some great depth with his backstory. Great work!
3PsykofreacPoor Kaze, I hope he'll manage to save Shin soon. Anyways things seem to be getting tenser now and ended with a good cliffhanger. I really felt for Kaze in this chapter and we all had some great depth with his backstory. Great work!
11/7/2014 c3 Psykofreac
Well, seeing more of Kaze and his interactions with Shin, he seems quite interesting. Noticed how he always behaved optimistically there, they have a nice friendship going. n_n
I wish Shin's family had more personality though, which would have helped us feel more for how he's leaving home, knowing the relationship he had with them. I know it would have made this part of the story longer, but I wouldn't have minded that much.
Seems the end of the chapter can be a nice setup for an adventure though, since it'll take longer to get to school. I'll see how it goes.
Well, seeing more of Kaze and his interactions with Shin, he seems quite interesting. Noticed how he always behaved optimistically there, they have a nice friendship going. n_n
I wish Shin's family had more personality though, which would have helped us feel more for how he's leaving home, knowing the relationship he had with them. I know it would have made this part of the story longer, but I wouldn't have minded that much.
Seems the end of the chapter can be a nice setup for an adventure though, since it'll take longer to get to school. I'll see how it goes.
11/2/2014 c8 13360pages
Okay, pretty good chapter. Hmm, I would put a little more tags on certain dialog near the start, even though it's only two people. A string of dialog can be boring to read without any things to spice it up here or there.
A lot of skills shown near the end, though I'm not sure secret city should be capitalized.
You also learned about that having dialog within prose is okay. And you also are doing it right, so that's a bonus. Outside of that, nothing really happened, though I'm going read the next chapter soon.
13360pagesOkay, pretty good chapter. Hmm, I would put a little more tags on certain dialog near the start, even though it's only two people. A string of dialog can be boring to read without any things to spice it up here or there.
A lot of skills shown near the end, though I'm not sure secret city should be capitalized.
You also learned about that having dialog within prose is okay. And you also are doing it right, so that's a bonus. Outside of that, nothing really happened, though I'm going read the next chapter soon.
10/29/2014 c7 360pages
Hmm, I notice some large paragraphes, which are fine, though I would find a way to cut them up a little more considering it's still reading a large body of text without much spacing in it. Which is annoying somewhat on Fictionpresses format. (I wouldn't mind them having an option to have it ready like a regular book.) I also notice that you have a tendency to have a lot happen between chapters which is fine as long as nothing too important is missed.
Hmm, I notice some large paragraphes, which are fine, though I would find a way to cut them up a little more considering it's still reading a large body of text without much spacing in it. Which is annoying somewhat on Fictionpresses format. (I wouldn't mind them having an option to have it ready like a regular book.) I also notice that you have a tendency to have a lot happen between chapters which is fine as long as nothing too important is missed.
10/28/2014 c7 6Darth Zannacross
Kaze is looking rather impressive. Also, Deans being able to condemn people to life sentencing, rather scary lol. Well, should be fun to see where it goes from here, keep up the good work.
6Darth ZannacrossKaze is looking rather impressive. Also, Deans being able to condemn people to life sentencing, rather scary lol. Well, should be fun to see where it goes from here, keep up the good work.
10/28/2014 c6 Darth Zannacross
Well, things are getting rather intense, talk about a rough welcome to the city. Well, Shin's situation just keeps getting worst, curious on how he can escape such odds. He got pass Ando at least, even if it was just a battle in what might be a long war.
Things are going good, keep it up.
Well, things are getting rather intense, talk about a rough welcome to the city. Well, Shin's situation just keeps getting worst, curious on how he can escape such odds. He got pass Ando at least, even if it was just a battle in what might be a long war.
Things are going good, keep it up.
10/28/2014 c4 17cud-b-better
A brilliant chapter and finally get to see some kickass magic. Although I was kind of hoping Kaze was going to fight back a bit more rather than just trying to leg it. But now that they've been caught there is no telling what is going to happen. One thing though I think Kaze let his past history come out a little too easily for a boy he has known for little more than a few days, although I can see his bro coming into this, probably as an antagonist.
17cud-b-betterA brilliant chapter and finally get to see some kickass magic. Although I was kind of hoping Kaze was going to fight back a bit more rather than just trying to leg it. But now that they've been caught there is no telling what is going to happen. One thing though I think Kaze let his past history come out a little too easily for a boy he has known for little more than a few days, although I can see his bro coming into this, probably as an antagonist.
10/28/2014 c3 cud-b-better
It looks like he is finally on his way. The story looks ready to kick off from this point. Anyway I noticed a few grammar errors like no closing speech marks and commas instead of ? but nothing really to worry about. The only part I wasn't to keen on was at the beginning of the chapter how you essentially want on to talk too much about their friendship, but once again this is minor.
It looks like he is finally on his way. The story looks ready to kick off from this point. Anyway I noticed a few grammar errors like no closing speech marks and commas instead of ? but nothing really to worry about. The only part I wasn't to keen on was at the beginning of the chapter how you essentially want on to talk too much about their friendship, but once again this is minor.
10/27/2014 c2 3Psykofreac
Why now brown cow?.. Okay... o_o
Anyways, nice conflict with Kaze attempting to lift the pool's water. That was unexpected and gave an idea into his character being a little overconfident sometimes.
I love Shin's quirks so far, him getting over dramatic about his haircut was hilarious. Decent characterization but I'd say what it's lacking at the moment are some depth. Internal description, particularly with his enthusiasm for enrolling in the magic school.
Yes, learning magic is awesome, we all want to and almost everyone knows that, I get it. But we want Shin's opinion on it, not just that it's his dream but in what way? For example, maybe a thought of what one looks forward to using their powers for can add depth to their dream of becoming a mage.
Other than that, you seem to do well with external descriptions. Except maybe a certain bit where I would like to have an idea of what Kara's escort's containment ball is like. Reading back, it seemed to just be summoned and is there. :/
3PsykofreacWhy now brown cow?.. Okay... o_o
Anyways, nice conflict with Kaze attempting to lift the pool's water. That was unexpected and gave an idea into his character being a little overconfident sometimes.
I love Shin's quirks so far, him getting over dramatic about his haircut was hilarious. Decent characterization but I'd say what it's lacking at the moment are some depth. Internal description, particularly with his enthusiasm for enrolling in the magic school.
Yes, learning magic is awesome, we all want to and almost everyone knows that, I get it. But we want Shin's opinion on it, not just that it's his dream but in what way? For example, maybe a thought of what one looks forward to using their powers for can add depth to their dream of becoming a mage.
Other than that, you seem to do well with external descriptions. Except maybe a certain bit where I would like to have an idea of what Kara's escort's containment ball is like. Reading back, it seemed to just be summoned and is there. :/
10/27/2014 c5 6Darth Zannacross
Well, I been starting to like Kaze more, hope that does not mean he is about to die. Well, the " Dark Side" is strong in this chapter, Shin and co are in a tight spot, we will see if they can wiggle out of it.
6Darth ZannacrossWell, I been starting to like Kaze more, hope that does not mean he is about to die. Well, the " Dark Side" is strong in this chapter, Shin and co are in a tight spot, we will see if they can wiggle out of it.
10/27/2014 c4 Darth Zannacross
Well, SMALS seems like a rather devastating thing to have for many tragic reasons. Well, not many stories have both a magic world and a mage world, interesting. Seems we are getting to the juicy stuff here, evil mages, failures and all that , nice to see things are taking off. Looking forward to where it all goes, time to see what Shin and co can really do.
Well, SMALS seems like a rather devastating thing to have for many tragic reasons. Well, not many stories have both a magic world and a mage world, interesting. Seems we are getting to the juicy stuff here, evil mages, failures and all that , nice to see things are taking off. Looking forward to where it all goes, time to see what Shin and co can really do.
10/27/2014 c2 17cud-b-better
Hmm, don't understand that brown cow thing, but oh well. Just a slight slice of life chapter I suppose. I'm guessing they'll be going to the school soon, but his escort is quite the troublesome one (I was starting to wonder whether they're some sort of special existence or something) not very knowledgeable about social norms. Here's me hoping for some action soon though, me want magical battles! And one thing I noticed, didn't his friend arrive a little too quickly?
17cud-b-betterHmm, don't understand that brown cow thing, but oh well. Just a slight slice of life chapter I suppose. I'm guessing they'll be going to the school soon, but his escort is quite the troublesome one (I was starting to wonder whether they're some sort of special existence or something) not very knowledgeable about social norms. Here's me hoping for some action soon though, me want magical battles! And one thing I noticed, didn't his friend arrive a little too quickly?
10/27/2014 c3 6Darth Zannacross
Well, not quite what I expected but, cake is always fun. Looks like the adventure is just getting started, we will see what becomes of things from there.
6Darth ZannacrossWell, not quite what I expected but, cake is always fun. Looks like the adventure is just getting started, we will see what becomes of things from there.
10/27/2014 c2 Darth Zannacross
Well, got a bit more in to this world, a watery world so far lol. Well, we will see how it goes from here.
Well, got a bit more in to this world, a watery world so far lol. Well, we will see how it goes from here.