for The Visitors12/14/2014 c3 
10DappledKarma
Oh, they fight already? Cool. For a sec there, I thought Sofia's ice attack was overkill. Of course, it only awakened the beast in Jessia, lol. Just what is she? The mysterious air around her is pretty interesting.
10DappledKarmaOh, they fight already? Cool. For a sec there, I thought Sofia's ice attack was overkill. Of course, it only awakened the beast in Jessia, lol. Just what is she? The mysterious air around her is pretty interesting.
12/14/2014 c2 DappledKarma
I liked how Jessia gave Brandy half of the money she had. Looking forward to Sofia eventually confronting Jessia.
I liked how Jessia gave Brandy half of the money she had. Looking forward to Sofia eventually confronting Jessia.
11/3/2014 c1 7Daniel Kozaki
Uh... I have good news and bad news.
Let's start with the bad first. Let's see... this chapter has some issues with grammar, like a few tense switches and punctuation-related ones (recheck carefully, like the "it's" and "its"). Awkward sentence structure sometimes, resulting in tacky prose, like, 'The room was a bright white and her dress was purple and pink as her long brown hair covered her eyes.' A beta reader would be super-helpful. I don't want to go editor mode, so... let's move on with the story.
Getting over those, this story has a fitting atmosphere, you can tell it's going to be a tense story. The scene of the second half with the bugs is quite tense, I think you did better in this style rather than piling description, because this is a fast-paced section (unless you're some genius story-teller who can get away with piling description that flows smoothly like clockwork). Too much details and the flow would be disturbed. Oh yes, and the premise sounds fun (although the story description might be reworded to sound better).
Keep on writing. :)
7Daniel KozakiUh... I have good news and bad news.
Let's start with the bad first. Let's see... this chapter has some issues with grammar, like a few tense switches and punctuation-related ones (recheck carefully, like the "it's" and "its"). Awkward sentence structure sometimes, resulting in tacky prose, like, 'The room was a bright white and her dress was purple and pink as her long brown hair covered her eyes.' A beta reader would be super-helpful. I don't want to go editor mode, so... let's move on with the story.
Getting over those, this story has a fitting atmosphere, you can tell it's going to be a tense story. The scene of the second half with the bugs is quite tense, I think you did better in this style rather than piling description, because this is a fast-paced section (unless you're some genius story-teller who can get away with piling description that flows smoothly like clockwork). Too much details and the flow would be disturbed. Oh yes, and the premise sounds fun (although the story description might be reworded to sound better).
Keep on writing. :)
10/30/2014 c2 41Rogue Melody Angel
Sometimes slower paced ch are good cause it give readers the chance to get to know the character!
Nice work love the fact that Jessia is really a kind hearted person.
41Rogue Melody AngelSometimes slower paced ch are good cause it give readers the chance to get to know the character!
Nice work love the fact that Jessia is really a kind hearted person.
10/29/2014 c1 Rogue Melody Angel
Really like the 1st ch! It was epic! Wonder what kind of being Jessia really is? She's strong... Oh and that woman that was to examine Jessia is she alive?
Really like the 1st ch! It was epic! Wonder what kind of being Jessia really is? She's strong... Oh and that woman that was to examine Jessia is she alive?
10/26/2014 c1 17cud-b-better
Well the girl is interesting although nothing particularly original. You have a bit of a habit of wording things a bit awkwardly things like "It seemed that their blood was green" there is no reason for the doubt in the sentence either it was or it wasn't. And you shouldn't worry about the word count its the content that matters. Now the one million question, just what is that girl and why were those insects there in the first place?
17cud-b-betterWell the girl is interesting although nothing particularly original. You have a bit of a habit of wording things a bit awkwardly things like "It seemed that their blood was green" there is no reason for the doubt in the sentence either it was or it wasn't. And you shouldn't worry about the word count its the content that matters. Now the one million question, just what is that girl and why were those insects there in the first place?
10/22/2014 c1 10DappledKarma
I want to start out talking about the summary. While it is interesting, there are a few grammar errors, and I think the hook could be strengthened. In the first sentence, "of" should be "for". "fondness of" is possessive, so in that sentence it is basically saying "earth's fondness". That doesn't really make sense there. You might just mean 'fond', in which case the sentence should read something like, "Creatures from other worlds seem to be fond of earth." But if you want to stick with "fondness", I'm confident "of" has to be replaced with "for". (Just to be sure, I checked for examples on some dictionary sites. I saw several instances of "fondness for", but none of "fondness of".)
I don't really understand what the second sentence is saying. Are you saying something to the effect of "parasites that find a host feed off them and return the favor rather well"?
I think the summary would be better if you tweaked the tense a little bit. Present tense would give it a much stronger sense of 'immediacy', if that makes sense, and that's what you want when you're hoping to lure in readers, right? Let me show you what I mean:
Creatures from other worlds seem to be fond of earth. Parasites attach themselves to hosts and feed off of them while returning the favor. Thus is the life of Jessia Floydie, who was picked on a whim by these creatures. However, as she soon discovers, the parasites aren't the only thing that were sent here.
Doesn't it feel more immediate now? And take a look at the summaries of any of the stories posted on this website. Chances are most of them are told in the present tense. Look at stories with a high number of reviews and favorites, and study their summaries; try to dissect what makes them captivating and apply that knowledge to your own stories.
As for the story itself. I like it. It's peppered with grammar errors but the story itself isn't bad at all. Especially when the bug thingies come in to the picture, it really picks up. Not a bad first chapter. Like the first reviewer said, it's somewhat reminiscent of Parasyte - which is pretty cool.
You should make the chapters as long as you think they should be. Personally, I'm iffy on ones that go beyond 2000-3000 words, but if you feel like it's gotta be long, go for it.
10DappledKarmaI want to start out talking about the summary. While it is interesting, there are a few grammar errors, and I think the hook could be strengthened. In the first sentence, "of" should be "for". "fondness of" is possessive, so in that sentence it is basically saying "earth's fondness". That doesn't really make sense there. You might just mean 'fond', in which case the sentence should read something like, "Creatures from other worlds seem to be fond of earth." But if you want to stick with "fondness", I'm confident "of" has to be replaced with "for". (Just to be sure, I checked for examples on some dictionary sites. I saw several instances of "fondness for", but none of "fondness of".)
I don't really understand what the second sentence is saying. Are you saying something to the effect of "parasites that find a host feed off them and return the favor rather well"?
I think the summary would be better if you tweaked the tense a little bit. Present tense would give it a much stronger sense of 'immediacy', if that makes sense, and that's what you want when you're hoping to lure in readers, right? Let me show you what I mean:
Creatures from other worlds seem to be fond of earth. Parasites attach themselves to hosts and feed off of them while returning the favor. Thus is the life of Jessia Floydie, who was picked on a whim by these creatures. However, as she soon discovers, the parasites aren't the only thing that were sent here.
Doesn't it feel more immediate now? And take a look at the summaries of any of the stories posted on this website. Chances are most of them are told in the present tense. Look at stories with a high number of reviews and favorites, and study their summaries; try to dissect what makes them captivating and apply that knowledge to your own stories.
As for the story itself. I like it. It's peppered with grammar errors but the story itself isn't bad at all. Especially when the bug thingies come in to the picture, it really picks up. Not a bad first chapter. Like the first reviewer said, it's somewhat reminiscent of Parasyte - which is pretty cool.
You should make the chapters as long as you think they should be. Personally, I'm iffy on ones that go beyond 2000-3000 words, but if you feel like it's gotta be long, go for it.
10/17/2014 c1 3My21Heartbeats
I always say that adding too much detail to a work would turn off the reader. Part of reading is too envision the world and, even though the author builds the world, the reader has to also build their own idea of it as well. Balance is key. There are only slight mistakes here and there but they don't really detract from the writing. It reminds me of Parasyte - The Maxim anime, which I consider to be a good thing.
3My21HeartbeatsI always say that adding too much detail to a work would turn off the reader. Part of reading is too envision the world and, even though the author builds the world, the reader has to also build their own idea of it as well. Balance is key. There are only slight mistakes here and there but they don't really detract from the writing. It reminds me of Parasyte - The Maxim anime, which I consider to be a good thing.