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11/24/2014 c2 guest
can't wait until the next chapter!
10/17/2014 c1 9Mnop
This was certainly an intriguing introduction. You couldn't really tell what was going on, but it did leave me wanting to read more. The introduction to the main character was cool, setting up for a strong and independent woman as our protagonist, which is always nice to see when it's handled properly and doesn't fall into the trope of trying to overcompensate for the male protagonists you mostly see in fiction.
I did notice a small error in the line "So she screamed as loud as her could", thet "her" should be a "she". Also, even if the point was to throw people into the story, the jump from character introduction to the alleyway scene seemed a bit too abrupt. Maybe start with the alleyway scene, and have her remember her childhood as her consciousness faded away? I'm not sure, but I do feel like the pacing could be improved a bit.
All in all, nice start, keep up the good work! I look forward to reading the next chapters.

Cheers,
Mnop

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