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for Psychic Dogs: The Icy Tempest

6/18/2015 c4 6J.A. Cadelina
Nice!
6/18/2015 c5 J.A. Cadelina
On a scale of 1 to 10, you're 11. Amazing writing!
6/18/2015 c6 J.A. Cadelina
Amazing story here! You're spectacular at writing! Special!
6/18/2015 c7 J.A. Cadelina
Amazing story! OMG so goooooddd!1 ;D
6/18/2015 c8 J.A. Cadelina
Nice as ice.
12/15/2014 c1 10DappledKarma
Oh, a story with an animal protagonist - and one with psychic abilities, no less. Cool.

This wasn't a bad start. The prose for the most part is good, very simple. However, some things progressed too quickly.

For instance, "He ran away as fast as he could, breathing out icy clouds of steam. But he fell unconscious and plopped to the ground. The last thing he knew, they were cradling him and the one carrying him said,".
The transition between the first two sentences is too sudden. There's no indication that the pup got tranquilized until one of the men says so in the dialogue. That may or may not have been intentional on your part, but I think a sentence between the first two to explain (or at least give a hint of) what happened to the pup would make things clearer and make the narrative flow more naturally.

Other minor things:
"The pup, who was about 4 months old, stepped out of the den, out of the coziness of the den and out onto the icy tundra."
Mentioning out of the den twice is repetitive here. It only needs to be said once, otherwise the prose comes off somewhat awkwardly. Personally, I'd just simplify it to "stepped out of the coziness of the den".

"Pushing the sled and going as fast as their feet can take them,"
'can' should be *could.

"Come on and let get Ymir off for her maiden voyage!"
*let's

I really like the last sentence. Made me "awww" out loud.
12/14/2014 c3 1TheTigress
I don't remember if I said this before but I like how you make it so that Pana has no idea what's going on. He actually thinks like a dog and doesn't automatically understand human terms. There are a couple of things I wanted to point out real quick- the first is that in the beginning you made the first couple of paragraphs all in italics. I don't think this was intentional? If so, though, it should only be in italics when he's thinking something in this case. Also I wish you could have described Willy, because I don't think you ever described what he looked like. Aside from that, keep up the good work! And aww thanks for the shoutout. :) It's a pleasure to review for you, really.
11/23/2014 c2 TheTigress
Hello again. :) This was a good start, and I like how you realistically made it so that Pana doesn't understand humans and what their words and concepts mean. Nice touch.

One thing to keep in mind is that you switched the tenses a few times. If you are writing in the present-tense, remember to keep everything that is happening in that tense. Likewise if you choose to write in the past-tense. But you can't have both. For example in one sentence you write: "It WAS really cold," and then a little bit later you write "I HEAR other dogs," so if you notice here you went from the past to the present.
11/10/2014 c1 6J.A. Cadelina
This was a great read. I liked it.
11/5/2014 c1 1TheTigress
I like stories that have an animal as the main character. As a dog person of course I had to read this. :)
This chapter was a bit confusing. I don't like stories that have way too much detail because they get boring and off topic. You did well with this- and I like that. I wasn't bored. However the way it was written felt to me like it all happened a bit too fast and I have no idea what's going on. I would reword a few phrases here and there to make it more understandable, but overall it was fine.

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