Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for The Hitchhiker

5/15/2017 c12 Guest
You've come a long way since this story, Star Wars Boi.
1/12/2016 c2 8LorrahBear
I wonder if you meant to post this centered instead of started to the left. Either way, it makes it seem poetic.

I like how you give us a small tidbit of information again, but leave more than enough to keep me wondering. I only wish you chapter was longer so I could learn more!

I do have a few suggestions:

""Oh sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, miss[,]" [h]e muttered." When you end a speaking sentence and the next line is something like he said/she muttered/I groaned, you would end the speaking line with a comma instead of a period. If you end it was something unrelated to how/who is speaking, you end with a period.
An example: "I just love oreos." I made a move to dunk my double stuff in the milk before my lover had a chance.

There also should be a line break between when people speak. For example:
"Hey, don't take my milk," I said, irritated.
"No," he responded, looking away and grabbing the cookies. "I need this for dunking."
1/11/2016 c2 6Victoria Best
Hello!

I have read the prologue and this chapter and I have to say, they are certainly impressive. There are so many mysteries already unfolding, and I can tell this is going to be a suspenseful tale. I am intrigued who the boy in this chapter was and how he disappeared so quickly, making me think there might be something not quite human about him. I am also interested in seeing what secrets lie in the book! Keep writing!
1/9/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
I like how you use short sentences in this prologue to convey just how choppy your narrators thoughts are as they sprint away from whatever has terrified them.

My only suggestion for this would be to watch the last two sentences, as there's a tense shift there that doesn't match the rest.

Still, this is a gripping start. Well done!
7/22/2015 c1 1Chocolate Angel Wings Of Fire
Oh man this is so good!
6/15/2015 c2 19Ckh
THE POWER OF THE CLICHESNESS AND INSTINCT TELLS ME THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A LOVE STORY BETWEEN MC AND BOY. Either that or it turns into some twisted story whereby the MC suddenly gains magic powers and has to drain life from a cute boy in order to survive and then she kills the boy but is filled with regret and attempts suicide whereby the rest of the chapters take a dark turn in mental torture and stuff like that which results in a major "screw you" and reveals everything in just a dream by a eight year old kid. And then she gets magic powers and sees the boy again but explodes but to deus ex machina revealing that her powers are self destruction.
6/3/2015 c36 7sofimazz
Jake;

First off, I'd like to apologize for not reviewing earlier. My wifi has been acting wack lately, not to mention finals and exams and projects. However, in the days that I got poison ivy all over my face and got to stay home from school, I decided to finally finish your story, so here I am.
I'd like to start by saying I remember the first time I read the hitchhiker. I loved the cute little things Brook did and remember clearly the questions I had about what would happen. I had always expected it to turn out to be a cutesy little adventure about some people hitchhiking around (still interesting, but I would never have guessed...). However, as the story progressed, I realized that this heartfelt story including magic and mystery about a girl just trying to find her way in life. On that note, I feel it is safe to say that nearly all of us can relate to Elane Water in some way or another.
At this point, I should address the fact that Brook dies. THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED JAKE I GOT THIS FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH LIKE OMFG. BROOK. HE WAS PROBS MY FAVE WHYYY THIS IS SO LIKE. WHAT. WOW. NO. WHAT?
But seriously. Brandan's words towards the end were completely true. You have to lose some to gain some, right?
I really think the ending is sweet. I had never thought of Brook having parents at all, so this was a turn. I also love the idea that Kitty, Brandan and Elaine lived together. It just seems super sweet.
Jake, congratulations. I know this is super late and you have had this up for a while but I'd just like to say; I've known you for, what, a year now, or a little more? I know the Hitchhiker has been a journey for both you and me. It seems so long ago that I found your story in the depths of Fictionpress (who found who's, though? I can't remember), and I was writing North Star and everything...It seems so far off, but I just want you to know that this story is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Love always,
-Sofia
4/30/2015 c36 2Rain Anderson
God. I don't... I don't even know what to say. I started the story today, and decided to leave one review with all my opinions.
Okay, so. Beautiful story, well written. I have never seen a writing style like yours, but I loved it. I've also never seen some pull off a first person/ third person switch; At least, not as well as you. No grammar errors, at least that I was paying attention to. I was really into the story. While my feels hurt, I loved all the plot twists. I mean, King of the Mosquitos? Him being her uncle? Never saw it coming. But Brook's death... Ouch. Right in the heart. You did good, but ouch. I still loved the story, and I think his 'murder' was a great edition to the plot. I guess it's more of a sacrifice... Sorry, typing my thoughts.
So yes. Over all, it was one of the best stories on here I have read. *cues applause*
4/23/2015 c1 19Ckh
Review man is coming...
Later
4/1/2015 c33 5tifftiffhooray18
I'm am REALLY enjoying your story! Update soon plz!
Btw check out my new story "The Story of Us ... Again"
3/8/2015 c30 7sofimazz
HE TOOK HER MEMORIES!?
OMFG, AND IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY AND...OHHHHHH THIS IS INSANE, MAN!
3/8/2015 c29 sofimazz
"Kitty's face was as if she had seen a zombie that danced the cha-cha with a bear with a broken leg" And here we are, my quote of the day!
Oh man, this is getting complicated. I hope Elaine will be able to figure it all out...
3/8/2015 c28 sofimazz
Heyyyyy, guess who's backkkkkkk?
I got back on after being inactive for so long! I can't believe how much you've written, Jake! It's like, I've been reading this story since the first chapters, so it's kind of like watching my kid grow up, lol.
Anyway, wow! I have a lot of catching up to do, and I can't wait to see how this goes!
3/5/2015 c12 2Vamp712
I like the story so far but I feel repetitive with constant cliffhangers and more questions being raised and no answers or closure.
3/5/2015 c11 Vamp712
Good chapter, you explore expanding the chapter and made it a bit longer. I'm a third of the way done with your book and it is pretty good storyline/plot line wise.
70 Page 1 2 3 4 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service