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for The Killer

9/28/2015 c1 2LizzieS
Only one chapter in and I'm already feeling emotional. Poor Nate, losing the mother of his children in such a horrific manner and to be blamed for it. And the children, to no longer have their mother in their life and to have their father be under suspicion.

Perhaps this is just me being overly suspicious (or the result of writing crime shows) but I can't help but think Brandon might have something to do with it...

Wonderful story, love the characters so far and the mystery is definitely building.
9/21/2015 c9 Jenny L. Gale
I think the truest moment in this chapter is when Nate gets mad at his step-dad. He's running the cycle of grief, just getting past denial and hitting the angry stage. He sees everyone one in a negative light because he's seeing himself that way, unsure of himself and though he seems sure of his belief that Brandon is responsible for his wife's dead, he's unsure of that too. He just isn't ready to acknowledge it yet.

Nate is a heavily nuanced character and that's what I like about him. You don't know whether to like him, dislike him or just feel sorry for him. Good job! Look forward to more. :)
8/1/2015 c1 7beatrixlowe
I'm new to your story, and have held myself back from reading other reviews. I think this first chapter is a nice introduction to the story, as it shows Nate's struggles in coping with his wife's death. Especially like how he believes that others think he is the murderer. It does spring some questions, because if he was really all good to his wife, then there wouldn't be any suspicion, isn't it? Anyway, the ending of this chapter is nice too as it builds suspense, though perhaps the lure might be stronger if you revealed just a little more about Brandon, or gave just a bit more hints about how Nate felt towards him.
8/1/2015 c8 Jenny L. Gale
Wow. I'm really enjoying your story. The plot is well woven and keeps the reader's attention. I'm constantly left wondering about Nate. Did he do it? I like the back and forth with past and present, too, and the unanswered questions. It helps lend a bit of mystery to the story.

The one bit of constructive criticism I'd like to offer (and please don't take this badly) is the overuse of "as she", "as he", "as I" connecting a sentence that could conceivably be two sentences. Example: "My mind is so blank I forget to act like I've got an injured back as I give my fake details to the receptionist, prompting some rather skeptical questions from her." Edit: "My mind so blank, I forget to act like I have an injured back. I give my fake details to the receptionist, prompting some rather skeptical questions from her."

Again, please don't take this the wrong way. I only review if I read work from a storyteller with promise. I really do like your story and will follow to see where it goes.
5/10/2015 c6 Sevly
Ooh, I really like how this chapter shows us the start of Nate's angst, and these two little scenes really bring out Lauren's character, too. I have the sense of being at the edge of a drama that is only now slowly starting to unfold...
3/14/2015 c5 Sevly
Went back and reread it from the top. It's superb - great writing through and through. I love how you portray so much about the characters with simple, quiet scenes. Poor Max. I'm worried for him :(
2/26/2015 c4 Sevly
I almost feel like it would be better if we didn't know who had killed Lauren, but this chapter is excellent nonetheless. It has that same voice that I really liked about the first chapter—Nate is a great narrator, especially in the assumptions he makes about himself and the people around him. You know, though, somehow I feel more intrigued by Olivia and Frances than I do Brandon. Brandon is a mystery that I expect will pay off later, while Olivia's passive-agressiveness and Frances's near-breakdown are adding to the scene around the murder right now, and I'm dying to know more about them, pardon the pun :)
2/24/2015 c3 2Unconsciousness
Since I owe this to you, and because I really really like this story, here you go. Your review c:

So, I'm going to start off with saying that I'm not entirely sure on the start of this chapter. I mean, you gave the creature inside Nate's brain a couple paragraphs of narrative, but I still don't know how to picture this creature. Is it some sort of spirit? Does it have the same aspect of a ghost, or a mist? I don't know. It might just be the spirit of something, that can kind of possess humans or whatever. My point is, I'm not sure if this spirit or whatever has an appearance, but if it does, then maybe you could work on describing that, unless you're holding back from doing so for a very specific reason that has yet to be revealed. ;) sorry I like foreshadowing.

I like the fact that you focused your chapter on one specific aspect (except for the little excerpt of the creature talking at the beginning, of course), being Nate and Lauren's past. You described it perfectly, and stayed on topic, which is one of the things that makes a good writer. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like this chapter was a bit small. Now, I'm of those annoying commentators who just say stuff like "make it longer!" or "post more chapters!" (i hate those people). On the contrary. I think that the shortness was refreshing. It was pleasant to read, and I think that if it was forcefully dragged on or something, then it wouldn't really have the same quality as it does. As i always say, quality over quantity.

I hope this helped, if not, then I'm always happy to show support! c:
2/15/2015 c3 Sevly
I have to admit I'm not quite sure how I feel about the... thing... inside Nate yet, but we I guess we'll just have to wait and see. His flashback to meeting Lauren is quite intriguing, though. I might just be reading too much into it, but Nate's question at the end seems on point, and the whole encounter just feels a bit too neat, maybe? Hmm.
12/22/2014 c2 1TheTigress
OH MY GOODNESS! I feel bad that I haven't gotten around to Gifted again so I decided to read this instead (and I'll get back to Gifted later).

Wow... that ending was phenomenal. I mean from the pure shock value. The chapter itself was low in the action, but that's okay because we need it to dwell on the negative emotions and the loss of his wife. I wasn't expecting that kind of ending though. Already I suspected that Nate had done it, and that he doesn't remember. But I thought he would have split personalities or something.

I definitely can't wait to read more. This is an awesome story, and it's dark and depressing just how I like it. :D
12/20/2014 c2 TheGreatEscaper
Wow... That last section is chilling.
I'm very interested in seeing what's going to happen next. Is this being a parasite? An alter ego? Something else completely? I'll definitely be waiting to see how this develops.
Everything is well written, although as this is first person the perspective change threw me off a bit, there's not much warning before, and it took me a little while to realize (or maybe I'm just slow... :).
Anyway, it's great so far and looks like it's only going to get better and better. Can't wait for the next chapter!
12/20/2014 c2 2Unconsciousness
okaaaaaaaay this is getting really messed up XD So I still don't understand how these creatures kind of take over the minds of people. I'm sure more of a description is to come, but so far, it's really good!
Probably the only major thing I would say that needs improvement is the consistency in which you uploaded. I read the first chapter a long time ago, so I kind of had to skim through the first one again because I forgot what was happening.
Also, it's a pretty short chapter and it could definitely could have used more things happening. Sure, there's the reveal about who actually killed Lauren, and the creature inside him, but other than that, there's not much else to say about the chapter. I also felt a lack of introduction to Connor. In the first chapter, you did a spectacular job illustrating Max, and I was able to put a clear image into my mind. But there wasn't much for Connor, just that he's a baby and cried a little bit. Maybe that could be something to consider in the next chapter? Just a suggestion.
This story is very interesting so far! Definitely a nice thing to read if you're into scary and horror stuff I guess. I would love to see more of it in the near future.
If you want, you could review another chapter of The 30 Day Trial. C; thanks

Peace :3
12/19/2014 c1 Sevly
This is one of the best funeral scenes I have ever read or watched. You've written Nate in a way that captures his pain, his cynicism, his stuggle, all of it perfectly, and it comes across as very real: the comment on the "unknown, perfect person", in particular, resonates deeply. Great work, great voice, chilling and yet compelling.
12/7/2014 c1 1Beck Keep
This definitely gets your attention to the story, starting off with someone already dead. Based on the description, I'm curious how this will progress and what that has to do in relation to Lauren's death.

I found Nate relatable, especially his negative thoughts about how he thinks everyone thinks of him and his attempts to keep collected. Having the five-year-old there really sunk the mood further down in despair, and I found what bit I did see of him accurate for a kid that age.

My only real suggestion would be showing more in certain spots than telling, like the eulogy. You don't have to show the whole speech, but I think it would've really stabbed a reader in the heart if you showed Nate delivering a few lines while trying to hold himself together. Other than, great start! Curious how this one will progress.
11/25/2014 c1 1BlackTieBride
You managed to capture the mood of the scene very well. The thoughts and feelings of Nate were just so...right. I have been very fortunate to have never suffered a great loss like that, but I can Iimagine myself feeling the exact same way he does. The point of view you used was so natural. The story flowed very well, like you'd been using first person forever. This is an incredible story.
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